Dear ____,
I love who you are as a person—with even more passion now than in even our first months together—and I am so sad for what has happened to both of us, our relationship, and our family.
The past three months have been the most difficult time of my adult life. With all my heart, I would like to build a new relationship with you and I am willing to do whatever it takes to correct the detrimental patterns and mistakes we have made that have hurt us.
As you know, I have decided to once and for all finally confront the demons in my closet which have caused my life and our relationship the most destruction. It is a scary journey, but with that healing, I believe that anything is possible—within myself and with us. Along with that and regularly seeing my therapist, I am also on a quest to gain more knowledge about communicating in a loving relationship. Whatever happens to us, the changes within me are permanent and I will continue to grow and be a better person because of them.
As I have told you, I am very sorry for the role I played in the breaking down of our relationship and for the mistakes I have made. I realize that I did not understand what it took to have a successful and fulfilling relationship, or how to meet your needs—including your needs to be listened to; to be fully respected; for physical closeness; and for quality one-on-one time together—and I am sorry that I didn't pay more attention when you were withdrawing from me. I was ignorant to the ways in which my frailties affected you and how that helped create a void in our relationship—a void that helped allow this to happen. I have learned a lot—about me, you and our relationship—and I want to learn even more about how to be supportive and loving to you—to be the person you would be proud to call your partner—in a relationship where we both feel safe, loved, heard and respected on a permanent basis.
The pain I have gone through and continue to endure because of your decision to go outside our relationship to have your needs met, to separate, and to continue your relationship with OP, is indescribable. Seeing and talking to you is a constant reminder of the pain that I feel and it is not healthy for me. While I get to see you and be you “friend,” OP is benefiting from that which completes the package.
In order to take care of myself, I simply cannot see you, talk to you, and be your buddy under these conditions any longer. I am separating from you to protect myself from further pain and to preserve my love for you until, if and when, you are ready to commit to rebuilding our relationship. In doing so, you must be willing to cut off all contact with OP, put in for a shift different than OP's (which will also gives us more quality time together), have both feet in, and want to do the work necessary for all long term couples.
I hope you understand that I am not doing this out of anger, to hurt you, or to punish you in any way, but that it is to protect my feelings for you and to stop the pain. I understand that you have your own pain and fears and that I am the source of some of that. I believe these things are repairable if we are willing to try. I know such a decision may be hard for you and I will support any need you have in a non-judgmental way when or if you decide to recommit to us.
Of course with the house, the mail, some bills, insurance, emergencies, etc., some contact will be necessary and we can communicate through e-mail, text messaging and voicemail. As far as DD goes, I believe a relationship with you is beneficial to her and you can (and I hope you will) talk to and see her any time you like. I only ask that you do not introduce her to, nor have her in the presence of, OP.
Separating like this is not my preference, _____. I’d much rather be a part of making you happy for the rest of your life. I believe we are a great team and that our relationship is worth it. We can build a new life in which we are both happy and there would never be a need for us to separate again. I want to be your best friend—someone who is always there for you. I love you completely—as my best friend, my lover and my partner. Today and always.
_____________________
So, that was it. WGF was was not home. She and OP took a long weekend together. I went in with my key and dropped it off. Later, she texted me and said "Your letter made me sad, but I understand. I'm sorry for hurting you."
I wrote back "It's all about choices WGF. I don't want to hurt you, so I don't. Even in the midst of of lustful euphoria, you have your brain, your values and CHOICES."
Then she wrote "I miss you."
That, of course, freaked me out and made me wonder what she was thinking, so I called her. We talked for two hours and cried for half of that. She didn't want to "lose me" and I told her that I wish she meant "lose me" in more than a "friend" sense. So, it's cold turkey for her. I can only hope now that OP won't be able to meet all of her needs and that she will miss me. I don't have a lot of optimism. Out of sight, out of mind. In the end, she said, "So, text messages and e-mail only?" I said "Yes." She said, "What about emergencies?" I said "You can call me for emergencies."
This will be very very hard, but in a way, it is better than my stomach being in knots about their R every time I see or talk to her. She was so having her cake and eating it too and I'm worth more than crumbs, darn it! I miss her like crazy. I wish she'd come back. What a horrible experience--as you probably know! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
