I've been married 16 1/2 years. My husband has a pattern of buying what he wants when he wants. I've gotten into the bad habit of just shrugging it off. Basically I usually take the "he already bought it, its too late" attitude. I'm not talking little things, I'm talking cars boats etc. The smallest purchase being a remote controlled car that cost over $500.00. The last purchase being a Harley. He did this knowing I would have several issues with it. First, motorcycles terrify me, and he knew this. Second, he went and got the loan behind my back. Third, he has been telling me for years that there is no way he can get another loan for things we need.
Early in our marriage I had to take over the "fun" chore of keeping the checking account balanced and paying all the bills. I have set up several budgets and pay schedules only for him to spend to the point of almost causing us to loose our home. I had to go as far as cut up all his credit cards, set up a seperate account for bills and assign him an allowance. I don't hide our financial status from him, he just doesn't get it.
So now he is upset because he has to sell the bike. The last straw with it is finding out that if anyone were to get hurt, I am legally responsible. I have to carry insurance on something when I had no decision, something I don't even want. We both feel stuck, having the bike is making me miserable, selling it is making him miserable. I feel our families needs are more important than his toys. He has thousands of dollars in RC cars and planes that collect dust. My kids and I barely have one decent outfit to wear. Lately everything he says starts with I, Me, My or Mine.

Welcome to MarriageBuilders, At...

Have you read the articles on Love bank, Love busters, Emotional Needs? These might give you a better perpsective on what is going on in your marriage, and some ideas on your issues.

I see the most basic issue as Disrespectful Judgments (DJs)

I also see your H's spending as an addiction. Fits the criteria for one.

There is also a lot of stored resentments on both sides, which feeds entitlement and a lack of respect.

Perfect formula for As and addictions.

I'm really glad you're here and have found this place. When you read about the three stages of marriage; the four rules to marriage, I think you'll have some of your answers.

Do you think your marriage has felt like a power struggle?

LA

He sounds like a little kid! I want what I want and I want it NOW! He needs to grow up. I know in interest of self-preservation you have separated your finances and put him on an allowance but that is putting you in the role of parent and not partner. I don't have any answers for you, but tons of sympathy!

He acts like a little kid at times. I definately feel like I am parenting 3 kids instead of 2.
We have talked this out. I read all the pages and printed the questionaires. After all was said and done, he still asked if he could keep the bike. I just gave him a look of disbelief. I know I should have said something, but I was exhausted and didn't want to start fighting again. Also, just before he got home from work I recieved a call informing me my dad and step-mom are getting a divorce. Alot of what she said to me with the threats of divorce sounded all too familar. So I was emotionally and physically drained.
As it stands now, he has promised to stop spending and to help out more with the bills. I plan on him having no time to get on that death trap.

Do you believe with these new promises in place that you have resolved the conflict in your marriage?

LA

We have till the next time he wants something. Then we will see. He says he doesn't want anything else. We shall see. I have a hard time believing him.

I take your answer to be that you are leary, disbelieving and believe what you've gotten was a temporary solution, would that be close?

Have you read the Policy of Joint Agreement? Says that both partners need to come to an enthusiastic agreement when resolving issues. I've found that this can only occur in my marriage when we both own what we do.

What would you say was/is your part?

LA

I am the giver. I give (more like give in) to a fault.

Have you read The Giver and The Taker in the Basic Concepts section?

LA

Yes.
I am the one that gives and gives and gives till I explode.

Am I wrong for making him sell this bike? It really is beyond the money issues.

You said yes...you mean you read The Giver and The Taker article here on this site? And you're saying you're the one who chooses to give until she explodes?

What do you think are the issues behind the money issues?

As for you being wrong making him sell his bike...

Can you be wrong, actually be wrong, or can you make a wrong decision? And can you truly make someone else do anything, without their choice, such as selling the bike?

LA

Well yet again I have given in, except this time it has done major damage. He just doesn't see what he has done to our marriage. We haven't had sex since he bought this bike. I know it has to do with the issues behind buying the bike and the reminder of what was done everytime he starts it or I have to go into the garage and see it. To me his actions in this case show me just how little respect he has for me. And knowing he doesn't respect me makes it hard for me to want to be with him. I really don't know if we are going to make it through this. I try to talk to him about this, try to tell him how I feel, he just doesn't get it.
As for why he puts us in debt. He is trying to keep up with his father. Prove to his father that he can afford the same stuff he can. All growing up his father told him he was worthless, would amount to nothing. All his adult life he has been trying to prove his father wrong.
I do believe that if we didn't have kids I probably would have left after this last incident. I'm so tired of living in a situation where I can't see the light at the end of the debt tunnel. Tired living without respect.

You are dealing w/addiction. You are an enabler (whether you realize it or not).

The more he buys, the bigger the endorphine rush. And he will need to buy more and more to keep the high. He doesn't need to buy anything cause he's still up. Trust me, when he sells the bike, he will see it as cash to spend. And he will go looking for his next rush.

You don't HAVE to pay insurance for that bike. Let dh pay for it. Have him sign the house into your name. If he gets into an accident, he only stands to lose his possessions, not the family abode. Likewise, you can use his "lull in buying" to your advantage: have him put a stop on his credit. I've heard of alerting the credit companies that he is a compulsive buyer, but I don't remember if they actually DO anything about it.

It's really hard to figure out how you're enabling his behavior, but it is freeing to take his ability away to drag you down with him into financial ruin.

He needs counseling of some sort.

It doesn't work that way in NY. I called the insurance company and asked why I was on the insurance. The bike is only in his name. They told me that I have to be on there because I am his wife and in NY I am equally liable for anything that happens with the bike.