Well, today my husband resorted to one of his "old ways" that I cannot stand. He has hardly said more than 4 or 5 sentences to me all day. Tonight, he sat watching television, looking straight ahead like I wasn't even there. I am not going to put up with this. I have lived too long in a silent home. If something is bothering him, he needs to open up his mouth and TELL ME! I refuse to go back to the way things were. I have told him that I will not put up with this. This is the first time in 3 months that he has pulled this crap.<P>Okay, I'm asking, what do y'all suggest I do? He usually opens up a little bit in counseling, but we don't go to counseling for another week and a half. Do I have to live like this for another week and a half until I can find out what is on his mind? I swore I would not go through this again with him. I swore I would not tolerate this silent treatment not another single day. Okay, what should I do?

Hi PodPerson -<P>I, also, cannot stand the silent treatment.....absolutely makes me crazy!<P>I don't know how much humor you have in you or your marriage....but what I always do is stick my face right in front of theirs and start making goofy faces....I don't care how mad I am!!<P>It works!!!! I have not seen it fail yet since I was a kid!! <P>Yeah, the initial reaction might be angry words....but they are words!!! Things can be handled from there.<P>Most of the time I finally would get laughter.....but you have to keep it up through the angry words like "what the hell are you doing?" or 'get away!!" I can be very persistant and it breaks the ice!!!<P>Might not be what you expected to hear, but I always go with what works for me.<BR>I could talk till I'm blue in the face, won't do no good.....Laughter is it!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

PodPerson, have you read Divorce Busting by Michele Weiner-Davis? If not, I would like to recommend it to you - it is a great book! Michele describes techniques that YOU can use to effect change in your relationship: By changing some of your own behaviors and reactions, you can change some of those of your husband's.<P>Here's an example: How do you normally react to your husband's "silent treatment"? Be as honest with yourself as you can be. Then, deliberately do the EXACT OPPOSITE of what your habitual response would be. If you normally ignore the behavior and go on about your business, then perhaps acting EXTREMELY concerned about his emotional well-being would be a good idea. If you normally get angry and yell, then act sweet and loving and don't even mention that his behavior upsets you. Michele calls this "doing a 180" and it can be extremely effective.<P>And remember that sometimes we have to be VERY specific when we tell our spouses what it is we want or need from them. They don't read minds any better than we do, and sometimes they haven't got a clue that they are doing something that is upsetting to us.<P>I hope this has helped at least a little bit!<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>No, I'm not a Marriage Counselor,<BR>But I did sleep at a <BR>Holiday Inn Express last night...<BR>

Pod per, This is what is known as having the other shoe drop. He is starting to feel the anger seep in because it is dawning on him that no matter how bad it was, you did not have the right to cheat on him. Betrayal is the worst thing you could do to another person. From your post the other day, you had a big feeling of self rightousness. I suggest very strongly that the two of you get into counselling more frequently to guide you through the storm that lay ahead. There are a million thoughts going through his head right now and many of them are not nice. I can tell you that I blamed myself at first but then that wore off very quickly and there has been hell to pay on her part ever since. Most of it was generated by herself when she came to the realization of how wrong she was in what she did. The guilt is eating at her and there is not much more than we can do. There are a number of great articles in this forum and books referenced here that you should read. But, It is very important to get a good counsellor. I say this only as an observation of what happenend to me and many others. When these things happen, it is the betrayer that suffers the most over the long run.<BR>In the mean time, be as nice as you can be and open up to him. With betayal comes fear of confideing in the person that betrayed you. <P>I hope the best for you

I feel like I have no reason to repond because I apparently can't handle my own marriage and am having problems, but here goes...<BR>Podperson<BR>I do what you say your H does. I am a "silent treatment" person. When I am bothered by something, rather than talk about them I tend to hold them in and try and deal with them on my own. Even though I always (well, almost always) feel better after talking about them. My W says this drives her crazy because she never knows if I am upset with her or something else. I don't know how he responds to you asking what's wrong but I assume he ignores you. I would suggest trying what Sheba and terri have suggested. My W returns the silent treatment right back at me and let me tell you. That does not work. I don't know what I would do if she started acting all goofey and making faces and such or if she just sat down and started non-stop talking to me. I would think that it may just work. Good luck.

podperson, i still admire your courage to have the affair and now to work on your marriage. i applaud your resolve in refusing to take it any longer.<BR>i agree with all the advice offered here. your h is probably beginning to see the reality of what you've done and is hurting. in a way that's a good sign. he's emotionally involved with the marriage. remember the little things, like his silent treatment, the days he used them, etc., so you can talk about them in specific terms during your counciling sessions. that's better than taking in general terms.<BR>shebas' advice to get right into his face and make funny faces is cute and would probably work on me. be careful though, if your h is very angry, he might react violantly, taking your funny faces as intimadation.<BR>good luck!!

PodPerson, <BR>I have learned a great many things since my H's affair.<P>Perhaps one of the most important lessons I have learned is not to be teethered to my H's emotions or nonemotions, which is really more accurate.<P>It's tough, and to be honest it is not always possible, but if the idea is firmly planted in your head and through experience you H may begin to respond differently when the old way no longer works.<P>I understand you do not want to put up with the silent treatment. Choose one of the ideas proposed or one of your own. Keep in mind the bigger reason you are doing it is because YOU REFUSE TO HAVE YOUR EMOTIONS DICTATED BY YOUR HUSBAND. YOU WILL NO LONGER LET HUSBAND PUT YOU IN A BAD MOOD JUST BECAUSE HE IS. <P>Sadly, we can not control another's behavior, although we are free to influence it. These negative behavior/communication patterns may take some time to unlearn and the establish healthier patterns. So a little bit of patience is also necessary.<P>A couple of books I would recommend are:<P>Distant Partner: by Les Carter which is about distant evasive mates and how to better understand and communicate with them.<P>What if I Married the Wrong Person? by Janis Long Harris. This book was about if we felt this way, it helped change how we thought about our marriage and had much practical advise.<P>Amazon.com became a good friend of mine for a while. But you know what? Every book, everything I learned here and just the strengh it took to live through this, made me a better person and a better partner. My H is, too, but if I had not taken the lead in restoring our relationship (he was cooperative) and did most of the work on myself for myself, we would not be as far.<P>Best of luck in your journey.<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Thanks everybody who responded. For those of you who say that my husband is acting this way because he has finally "realized what I have done," I just want to let you know that this is nothing "new" for him. He has always given me the silent treatment, sometimes for weeks on end. He used to leave for work in the a.m. without so much as a goodbye, then come home and go straight into the bedroom and close the door. Often, he doesn't even talk to our children. I've lived with this b.s. for more years than I can count.<P>I have made it perfectly clear to him that I am not going to stand for this any more. Last night, when he got into bed, I told him that I didn't want to sleep with someone who cannot talk to me. Within 5 minutes, he was snoring, loudly. I HATE that. So, I got out of bed so he wouldn't see me shaking and crying.<P>Now what am I supposed to do? I ended things with the OM like I was supposed to and now I have no one to talk to again. Am I just doomed to be in a lonely marriage? How do I get out of this hell? I guess some will think this is what I deserve for cheating. As if I haven't paid enough already.

Hi PodPerson -<P>Where on earth does this silent treatment come from? Was he like this always? Is it something from his childhood or past? Did it start some time in the marriage? Is it alot for no reason or only when he is upset or something? Is he moody and maybe just tends to shut out the world?<P>This is very strange.....have you given thought to where is might come from?<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Pod--<P>A suggestion for what it's worth...<P>My H sometimes lapses into silent moods. On occasion, I can draw him back out by carrying on my own conversation with myself, answering FOR him. It works best when I remain light and humorous. Usually he will respond and start talking, if only because whatever I said ISN'T what he was thinking. <P>It gets the talk going again. He also picks up on how I'm talking as him--maybe I'd like to hear some stuff like that FROM him.<P>It's always off the top of my head. For example: I'll say, "honey, you're awfully quiet..." He may just smile, or say "a little." I'll wait...nothing...so I'll start, as him, "well, actually, it's because I was reflecting on the highlights of your hair..." "you flatterer...." "I can't help it, you're gorgeous...." "oh my, but shouldn't we be talking about what our plans are for the weekend? we've got soooo much to do." "I'd rather talk about your eyes..." He's usually laughing at me by then, and adding his own compliments, and then we continue talking about the weekend.<P>Try it?

Oh, Lucks.....I love it!!!<P>I've done that once or twice myself!!<P>Even if he didn't laugh....it would be a heck of a lot of fun!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Pod per, we're not here to see that punishment is meted out to you or anyone. <BR>If he was quiet before, it is going to be worse now unless you take steps to work on it. In counselling would be great. A quiet disposition is not unusual for most guys. So he may not see it as critical as you do. You need to make certain that he does. <BR>Generally men complain that women talk too much and women complain that men don't talk enough.<BR>Try callng him at work on his lunch hour or even going to his work to speak to him. THe " I missed you last night" works well.<BR>You could also get up with him in the morning while he is getting ready and talk to him.<BR>Good luck.

heeheehee, Sheba...yes, can certainly be great fun! and here I thought I was the only loose-marbled one that did things like that, glad to know I've got company. <P>Upon more reflection, maybe Pod should try the self-talk, but with compliments for him too, like, "it's okay that you're so quiet, dear, it gives me a moment to stare in awe at your biceps." "why thank you, darling, the better to hold you with..." "ooooh, your voice is giving me thrill tremors, say it again..." "say what? how much I want to hold you and whisper sweet nothings in your ear?" "that's it...." He'll think she's gone nuts, but it IS weird enough to get their attention focused. <P>(I've done that concerning projects I need help with to...90% success rate...if/when he reads this, H will tell me that of COURSE this will NOT work again, lol) "I sure wish my dear, kind H would take a moment to unbox these things..." "anything for you, my sweetums, I was just about to do that, of course, after dipping you for a kiss..." "you're so wonderful to me, would you like a backrub later, my magnificent, understanding H?" "well, only after I give YOU a backrub...your skin feels like silk." Okay, so he's probably thinking UGH, she's a walking romance novel, I wretch, but he gets a kick out of it too...and I got help and maybe we both got backrubs later. Win-win.

Lucks,<P>You have me laughing so hard!!!!<P>God, I miss doing those things...that's OK - I'm saving 'em up!!!<P>PodPerson - We're not all this nuts...but it does help, HONEST!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

PodPerson<P>I heard of a couple who had similar problems with the silent treatment.<P>When ever that occured, one of the spouses would go put on their Groucho Marx costume face. Glasses and big nose. When they got done laughing, they were finally able to start communicating. It sounds good. I beleive humor always is a good way to break the tension. Maybe you could learn some good jokes. Its at least worth a try.<P>Let us know what you try, and what works.

Thanks to all. All of you have GREAT suggestions for a newly married couple just starting out. Remember, I been married to this man for 22 years, so I've tried just about everything you suggested many times throughout. I used to carry complete conversations with myself with him right there. The kids used to laugh. It's not funny anymore. Yes, Sheba, he has always used this method of punishment for me. He KNOWS I cannot stand it, and yet he continues. He's snapped out of it now, last night he talked a lot more, but it'll probably happen again and again.<P>How do I send the message to him that I will NOT put up with this? Funny how I didn't have to play games like this with OM. I'm lo nely. Doesn't that count for something?

Podperson,<P>the question you should be asking yourself is what do you need to finally let go of your husband. You've done this for twenty years. TWENTY YEARS. How many more years do you want to waste? You've had an affair now. My advice is leave before you do more damage to yourself. I think the silent treatment is very passive aggressive. It is a way to be mean without saying or doing anything. Don't put up with it anymore. I know what it is like, to deal with a person that absolutely won't meet you halfway on hardly anything or you have to drag kicking and screaming. It sucks. Don't waste anymore of your time. Get a life for yourself, and if he wants to join you, fine, but it will be more on your terms.

Student, I am shocked and saddend by your reply. Even though he has this repeated behaviour does not mean that it will continue this way. Before she leaves this marriage, she needs to ensure that everything has been done to save it.<BR>Otherwise she may find herself in the same situation that you are in when the marriage could have been saved. <BR>Student is it your opinion thaty people are consigned and constrained to certain kinds of behaviour? Not mine... <BR>Podper, the other day you said that he was begging you. Was this not different behaviour than the way he acted before? THe silence now is most likely due to this new burden that has been placed on the marriage<BR>By you.<BR>Betrayal is the worst thing you could do to someone and before you walk out on him, try to at least undo some of the dammage you have inflicted upon him....<BR>

I'm not sure if this will be a double post. I sent it last night and it posted but this AM, it is not there. Tempest?<P><p>[This message has been edited by fighter (edited October 03, 1999).]

The dynamics of the relationship has changed. You are both dealing with your affair (and it has to have had an effect) plus your H is at least willing to go to counseling suggesting he is at least open to new behavior patterns.<P>That doesn't mean everything is accomplished at once. Negative behavior patterns are easy to slip back into because you both know your roles so well.<P>You can not control his behavior. You can control your own. You can choose your own words and actions. You can choose your own demeanor and attitude. <P>You can react negatively to his negativeity or you can choose to react differently. You can choose to try one of the above suggestions because even though it may have not worked consistantly in 20 years, it may work know because the dynamics of your marriage has changed.<P>Or you can choose to state appropriate bounderies. Tell him how you feel when he is silent (not how he is making you feel) just how you feel. Ask him if that what he is intending to do and ask him if that what he wants to keep doing. If he shows any positive emotion what so ever, let him know that you will have no choice but to emotionally distance yourself from these silent spells. This is not what you desire, but you must in order to protect your own feelings. If he is open to communication, ask him how you could either help him avoid the silent treatment or help him out of it.<P>There are many ways to proceed. You need to think of marriage as a team. Together you work to make it better. You are not on opposing sides even when you disagree. You are on the same team. If your H drops the ball, as he obviously has with his silent treatment, then instead of seeing him as the opposing team, think of him as a team member who needs help. Either pick up the ball yourself, or help him pick it up.<P>It is fine to say I want a marriage where this will not happen, but you got to allow enough time to get their. Demanding sudden permanent changes with no regressing after such an emotional trauma to your marriage is unreasonable...even though your hopes and goals for the marriage are more than reasonable.<P>Best of luck<P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13