Put your opinions where they'll be archived.

No one has made any contributions to the Affair Exposure 101 thread (linked below) for quite sometime. Further, no one has made any contributions to all the sub threads imbedded in it either.

Frankly, I'm perplexed at all the recent controversy on this topic. Maybe I missed an evolutionary event? - a harmful mutation? - a beneficial mutation? - Mothership medling? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

In keeping with what I believe to be is the spirit of this forum, all views are needed - not just requested - needed.

Please keep in mind when contributing to these threads that they are for the benefit of newbies. Imagine yourself as a newbie as you contribute. Get it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

And please - don't get into arguments. Having to squelch one of these OLD threads would really be sad.

So, make general exposure contributions to the "Mother" thread and context specific contributions to the sub-threads. Once you get in there you'll know what I mean.

If someone would like to recommend a new sub-thread, please recommend it.

[color:"green"] No contributions?

None?

I guess all that yapping about exposure recently was just noise residue from the real desire - something to argue about? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT
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licensed to chill[/color]

Does my opinion count?!??!?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Mr. Worthatry.
You might need to change your Title to: "Novices" or "Experts" because most of us here are novices.

So this thread will be a SAFE place for our opinions?

If so, here is mine.

I think EXPOSURE advice lately on this forum, is being recommended as giving TOO MUCH exposure; even more than Harley recommends. Perhaps: "Less IS More" and works just as good or better than exposing TOO MUCH to TOO MANY people.

In my sitution, I feel like I SAVED my wife's reputation. Some here may say, she forfeited it by having an affair but actually it isn't until it is the topic of gossip (for instance in the workplace or church) that reputations are ruined.

All four spouses know and as far as I know, that is all.
Their affair was descreet and secret; was never flaunted.

My wife and I, as well as the other couple, have been in recovered marriages for over a year.

SPRING IS HERE AND LIFE IS GOOD AGAIN.

I agree with celt that exposure needs to happen for SURE to the spouses involved, and I guess I don't really understand why some posters are sooo adament that the earth should be scorched with exposure immediately. I know that I read Surviving an Affair like it was my bible after D-day and for the life of me can't remember reading that I should run out and tell the world that my H had an affair. the OW in my sitch didn't have a husband, so I couldn't expose that way, although that would have been my first move if she had been married. Eventually, H exposed himself to his family and they were a great help in encouraging him to save the marriage so I'm not saying it should be a national secret, just that in some situations I think less is more.

I completly belive the MB concepts work, and I credit them for saving my relationship. But I agree with Celt when he says {{I think EXPOSURE advice lately on this forum, is being recommended as giving TOO MUCH exposure; even more than Harley recommends}}

Can't there be a meeting in the middle, depending on the situation..?

I've got a question--no expert here, so I will refrain from posting on the threads you have linked. But I have some questions that involve exposure (out of necessity I guess.non-controversial I think)that maybe have been addressed before, not sure. These are about the "awkward moments" we all have had I am sure.

If your WH moved out, then you found out of the A, and has been gone for months (7 in my case) what are you supposed to see when you run into people at the grocery who ask how your H is doing? or how do you sign b-day and christmas cards when you are the only one working on the marriage? or better yet, what about when you are handed a church directory sheet to fill out about your family when the D is only weeks away?

I don't think spreading it to every soul who ever knew your WS is beneficial--but what do you when you run into people and they simply ask how he's doing? or why they heard we split up? I can't really say he's fine. I don't like saying that we are separated or getting a divorce--that seems to apply that I am in agreement to them.

This might not have been the right place to post this.

The impression I get, or have read here. Most posters are advised to expose immediately, and always. If someone comes along with an alternate recommendation as to why you may not want to expose, or even wait they are normally met with criticism.

IMHO exposure is a big play or move in what could be considered a chess game. Also there are times that exposure could be more benifical than others.

I also believe I have heard folks here advise posters to expose, but after speaking with the Harley's were recommended not to do so at this time.

Short of listing these circumstances (which I can not) again just my opinion, exposure is a key tool, there are times it just would not be the right move, or better saved for another phase of attempted recovery.

Just my .02

There are many facets to exposure.

from having read the book, listened to some of the radio shows, and reading lots on the site and forum, I am going to give you my thoughts on this in several different scenerios.

1. BS discovers an active affair and WS refuses to stop the A: To stop the affair, the BS employs whatever is necessary to bust up the affair. That includes the OP'spouse and anyone who has influence on the WS. It also includes the workplace if the A is between co-workers.

2. BS discovers an active affair that ends on discovery or BS discovers an affair that has recently ended, but no contact is not going to be easy to maintain because they work together ot attend church together: The OP's spouse must be notified. Dr. Harley specifically said in such situations more exposure is necessay to help maintain no contact- and that means people at church or work.

3.BS discovers an active affair that ends on discovery or BS discovers and affair that has recently ended. No contact is maintainabble in this circumstance. The OP's spouse must be notified. All others should be POJA'd as to who else needs to know.

4. BS discovers an affair that has been over for sometime, No Contact has been maintained. The OP's spouse must be notified. All others should be POJA'd as to who else needs to know.

The other person's spouse is not debatable in any situation.

Exposure in the case of number one, should all be done at one time without warning the WS.

I don't think that idea of exposure is to cause gossip. I think that exposure is to be used to bust up the affair and to help with keeping it from resuming.

Just my opinion

MF posted wisely.

The Affair: Creates a hostile environment. Creates secret encounters where unknowing and unwilling parties (BS, family, friends, etc.) are pulled into the web of lies and dceit. Sometimes $$, health, work, lifestyle, homelife, hobbies, education, entertainment, etc.....are disrupted by the A participants.

Exposure: The purpose is to difuse the A. Put the pressure where it belongs.

Effects of exposure: Withdrawal of the A. Even if it temporary heighens it.....exposre removes the element of surprise.....kills the fantasy aspect of the A, very hard t/b seductive if all know you are banging someone elses mate. Makes the 'A' a killjoy. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Other side effects: hurts then helps the family, friends, relatives, neighbors, even strangers, co-workers, pets, homes, work environment, health, $$, etc..... People learn the A for what it is and no longer 'wonder' what is going on. No more guessing. The sick stinky A is out in the open and the mysterious event is exposed as the disgusting thing it really is.

If it creates gossip....so be it. Can't stop gossip but when the A dies, eventually the gossip dies. Look at Bradelina.....that A is still going full blast and makes headlines.......Look at Julia Roberts.....her M is marked as being started with an A.....not even her cute twins can escape that scar. How sad. Now her own M maybe in jeporady? Really? If so, are any of us really surprised? Btw, one day Brad will realize Angelina is a bit nutty, it takes time to see her irrational behavior, then again he is a bit off his rocker and that's something even his looks can't cover over for him. I pity the children who don't have a choice but are forced into dealing with 2 irrational adults.

L.

I say 'He left me for another woman'. Took a while to have the guts, but now it's second nature. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Good. I used to say.....The WS has chosen NOT to be with his family....he is choosing strange friends over his family. Most got the message....a few anal ones would keep questioning and I would just let them keep wondering. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.

Hey worthatry. You never came back to your thread with your comments on our posts.

EXACTLY! Failure to expose to the family, friends, work, etc. only enables the A and after awhile a cunning WS will revise marital history to make the BS look like an animal. Once seperated or divorced WS begins introducing OM as person they just met and they gain acceptance into everyones lives.

By exposing, you prempt all this and force WS and OM to feel the true weight of their indiscresion.

My WS is scrutinized very closesly by her parents, brothers and sisters. Her work is aware of the complaint that I lodged and both parties have been written up in the employee files.

How would you like to live a lie that this. The constant pressue will kill the A one day...I am sure.

Exposing is a win-win situation!

Same with me!!!

Well, it's obvious I failed in my initial communication on this thread.

My intent was to have folks who had recently been in discussions regarding exposure add their opinions and experiences to the Affair Exposure 101 thread or its sub threads. "Experts" was in quotes to recognize that there were some strong opinions voiced rather than indicating a distinction between old timers and novices. But the ultimate target is newbies not even here yet - let's provide a ready reference of one stop shopping with as many heads weighing in as possible.

WAT
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Exposure - shame IS the active ingredient, but presentation is everything.

WAT,

I have given my opinions on other threads regarding exposure and my regrets in not using it earlier.

In my case my WW told me that she had "exposed" her A to her parents in "detail". While she was at work, she wore her wedding ring and told her friends that we were going through "some problems". All the while she was keeping up a 10-12 times daily email, text message and telephone relationship with her "Mr Right" under the nose of her family and friends. Once I exposed, it probably did not change things overtly but she could not rely on her lies to get her through her business day. Of all of my exposures, she spat the most venom when I exposed to her boss. Now I didn't know then if that meant she did not respect her family or friends( I found that it means exactly that), but I found an ally in her boss.

Again, of all the stupid things that I did, delaying exposure easily ranks as number one on my hit parade. I have also adopted the position, as have several other posters, that I will no longer post to any BS that does not expose.

Mass exposure in all cases is not correct; it is on a case-by-case basis

What is important NOT to expose?

"Mass exposure in all cases is not correct; it is on a case-by-case basis"

The underlying assumption here is that the BS is omniscient. That the BS somehow knows exactly what is going on, what the WS is doing and thinking (if thinking at all) and planning in each and every case. That the BS even believes the WS any more.

In the middle of all the emotional, financial and family turmoil, while both WS and BS are deep in the early fog, it is best for the BS to err on the side of wide exposure. In fact, the more the WS does not want exposure, the more the BS ought to do it.

Exposure not only ends active affairs, it prevents later rekindling of suspended affairs. It prevents new affairs from starting, even years later. The WS needs exposure to learn actions have consequences. IMO, one of the major lessons in life the WS must learn is that secrecy is very bad and it will not be tolerated.

Besides, every WS thinks their "case" is a basis. WS and FWS alike need to learn life lessons concerning their case.

Added: And, the BS deserves to feel safer. If wider exposure helps the BS feel even a bit safer, so much the better.

Exposure is a strategic tool to pressure an end to an active affair.

If you can win the war with a small smart bomb, why risk all the collateral damage with a nuke?

The scope of exposure should be determined on a case-by-case basis. If ONLY notifying the OP's spouse is enough to end the affair, then that's adequate.

Excessive exposure will be perceived as character assassination and with bitterness even if the affair ends and recovery begins...it could even become a stumbling block to recovery.

Some people do choose to strike back at their WS under the guise of "exposure". My ex-OW's H told a classroom full of middle schoolers that his wife was sleeping with me...and claimed it was necessary exposure. Exactly how, pray tell?

Scorched earth might make you feel better for a time...but there are consequences to every action (as we FWS's are often reminded here).

Low