could you experts please give us newbies MORE examples of a typical evening in Plan A. I know you prob feel like you are beating a dead horse with it, but I ALWAYS find myself discussing R, LBing, etc.

Please go thru a series of events/conversation that would be a strong Plan A.

Also, I read in someone else's post ato give their story so yall could "get them a plan" I want one too!!!!Pleeeeze!

Typical Plan A evening:

-when my xws comes home I have his "favorite" dinner prepared with his favorite wine

- we take a bubble bath "together"
-"Bubble Baths" usually end up to be very "bubbly" if you get what I mean! :-)

-cuddled up on the couch he gets the "remote" and we watch whatever he wants to on TV.
-I get him something to drink or something to eat so that he can simply enjoy himself.

I do very simple things but they sure have a great affect!!!

The greatest affect is that my husband has learned to "Plan A" me too!!!!!

bb

Good question, cgu.

Blondblossom I like your response. Fuels ideas. Good deal.

I cant see mine lay on couch with me- much less bubble baths! He is completely avoiding me at this point.

cgu, didn't WS just begin acting this way? Do you feel there is hope he will turn around. Maybe you can alter a plan that seems more in alignment with how he is responding.

yes, just this week, as you remember, we went on a trip last week and things were great! So this is a new thing- this distant, avoidance, and annoyed behavior.

What type of alteration would deal with his indifference?

cgu, Hang in there. I'm wishing you well.

cgu, I'm posting to bump your thread and to sort of put in a little of my thoughts about it.

It seems to me that calling WS indifferent is a DJ. But what does it mean to you? Do you feel his behavior about the A is indifferent. If so, does seeing him this way help you or hurt you (your perception of him)?

Typical Plan A night...oh, you take me back...

R talks were scheduled for 20 minutes on Thursday nights...all other times were off limits.

Weekends found me cleaning, cooking and lighting candles, playing new age relaxation music or sounds, scenting the house and giving massages. I still rub his feet.

I printed out jokes from the internet, one a day, and put one in his car each morning.

Did and still do "I feel" and "I believe" statements.

Friday and Saturday nights were out to a bar that had darts, pool and air hockey. My treat.

Lots and lots of listening and repeating when my WH spoke, staying aware not to fix his work problems he was relating unless asked. Wasn't asked. LOL. This was new and different. I intentionally broke my previous patterns. We took drives into the mountains, played slot machines, ate buffets and saw whatever we could new...we'd forgotten that we loved to see new places together...in fact, it was what we missed most, being somewhere new together, and how that was a reserved spot in our relationship.

I stopped my LBs with the listening and repeat and the weekly relationship communication exercises. I made a habit of congratulating myself for each DJ I didn't say out loud, which progressed to getting them out of my head, too. All this while triggering, snooping, fearing and sorrowing while he was taking a couple of months to decide to commit or not. There was contact at work and it wasn't until after he changed locations that NC was insured. No letter.

My Plan A had help from our MC. And me. I made sure when I felt deprived, resentful, on the verge of LBing, that I remembered what I wanted and to be grateful I was getting it right then. The chance to stay married and in the future, to be in love again, fully, maturely. I replaced resentment with gratitude through an act of will, focusing on what was my want and what were the have-to's to get there.

I slipped, LB'd old style three times. Huge ones.

Over a year later, I got what I wanted and he followed his belief lacking evidence...that his ultimate happiness lay in our marriage and our future together, though all he felt was anger, resentment and suffering at the time of commitment to it. Today, we respect boundaries, choose to create no resentments, and know that suffering is optional. Everything Harley promises is true in our experience.

We have the good stuff while still working through forgiveness, our patterns, our beliefs, getting to know and share our feelings and his SA. We use a phrase that my DH came up with, "When I fear, I tell myself, 'Well, we're in this together.'" See, he shares his fears. I'm safe. I made myself safe. I know it is sharing because I don't believe he is putting his fears on me nor do I allow myself to reach for them. They aren't mine. I hold myself to doing the same. That's the difference of being in this together.

LA