OMG I am hurting sooo much. I just want to call him but if I do then I will just be repeating the same mistakes. I just want him home and it hurts so much to know that he doesn't want to be with me or talk to me or even see me.

Loni

Loni,

I don't know your story....are you in plan B?

I know how you feel, the need to call is overwhelming sometimes. But try to resist.

[edited - again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />.....ahhh <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />.....]

{{{{{{{{Loni}}}}}}}}}}}
Hang in there!
Daisy

Loni

I don't know you, Loni, and I've just started posting again today. But I have been where you are. I at that time call my sister who always tells me: "there are no emergencies". She tells me that although my emotions may be telling me "the house is on fire", There are no emergencies.

Wait it out. It will pass. I know it is hard. But we've all been there.

I don't know if this helps at all or makes any sense to you, but it has helped me and I want to reach out to you and help. I know what it is like.
Hang in there!

Daisy,

I am in Plan A still. He just left Monday night, to think. He has done this 4 times in the last two years. He just told me two weeks ago that he was going to work on the marriage. Then he just springs this on me Monday night. It's not fair to me to do this again. He promised to stick to the plan. I want him to come home and do what he promised. I want him to see that with a little work and a lot of forgiveness, we can be happy again.

I just miss him and I am so scared. He says he doesn't feel the same for me and doesn't love me like he should.
I still love him in spite of everything.

Loni
M-18+ years, 3 kids-17, 15, 13 years old. EA from 2/03 till 5/04 with my former friend.
Me 38
FWS-him-38

Loni,

I was lucky to find a picture of my WW and her OM in each others arms. I framed that picture and had it at my office and home. Whenever I would get all needy and sentimental and especially when I had talked myself into denying what my WW had done...I just looked at that picture.

A lot of people here felt I did it for spite but I did it for strength. I knew that I could also suffer from the "fog" and mistakenly give my WW my warm, fuzzy, and extremely illogical feelings.

It forced me to keep my head in the reality of what my WW had done and indeed was still doing. That "fog" that everyone alludes to is not just confined to the WS.

Best of luck

Thank you Dorri and Daisy. Sometimes, I feel so in control and other times I just KNOW that it is all falling apart and if I don't do something, there will be no marriage left to save. I feel like I am going crazy but I know that I will survive if I just take it a day (or a minute) at a time.

He tells me that he will be here Sunday night for our scheduled 1st talk with Jennifer Chalmers. He agreed. I am praying so hard that he will hear something that clicks in his head. He doesn't believe that he will ever feel in love with me again. He told me, a long time ago, that he never felt anything like what he felt for the OW. What's scary is that he believes it.

I wish he would read Surviving an Affair. Should I offer it to him?

Loni,
How long have you been in Plan A?

How was your plan A? Are there LB etc....

Do you think there is someone else? His words of not being in love with you may be an indication of that.....

Do you think Plan B is the way to go now.....

HAve you done a Plan B in the past?

Daisy

Hi Cy,

I don't have any real pics. Just the ones in my head that come forward to torture me. The A is physically over, I think that he is still dealing with the withdrawal from the A. He can't get all the way through it without leaving me. I should say, he won't get through it. I just love him and I don't want to give up on a really good marriage that turned really bad.

Loni

Loni,
Did you see my post above?

Do you think there is any chance that contact between your H and OW resumed?

Cy, wow <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />, I could not do that. You must be strong....its all I can do to get the mental immiges of H with some woman out of my head, I could not deal with an actual picture! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

He just left here after picking up the kids for an evening with them. He told me about a card he gave my dad for his Bday yesterday. He also asked how I am doing. I told him that I am fine and he looked at me with sadness and said that he doesn't think so. He told me if I needed any money to go ahead and get it out of the savings. I again said that I am fine. I asked him "how long do you think you need to think?" He said he didn't know. I told him that I really needed to have some idea. He told me OK. He didn't give me an answer though. I kissed the kids goodbye and told them to have fun. Then I started to cry. I told him that he needed to go because I was going to beg him to stay if he didn't hurry and leave. He said "ok" and hurried the kids to the truck. Then I went upstairs and bawled like a baby.

Maybe, I need to only think about the ways he has hurt me so that this doesn't hurt so bad.

Loni

I would go Plan B in no time if I found out that he was seeing her again.

Actually, if he was, I know that it would fall apart in a matter of time. She is awful and even her friends will tell you that lying is her favorite activity, next to being the center of attention.

Everyone seems to think that he is having a hard time dealing with the guilt that he feels for the affair and for hurting me. He has always been the "good guy". Good guys don't cheat on their wives and he has found himself in the position of being one of those men that he always looked down on. I can't even tell you how many times he has told me about some guy messing around on his really good wife. He was always downing those guys for screwing up a good thing. When his fog clears (which happens occasionally) he tells me that I am and was an excellent wife. He tells me that it's him and not me. It's when the fog is thick that I hear about all the horrible ways I have treated him.

Please, God, let him come back to himself and see clearly. I know that he still has love for me. Even if it is just a glimmer. I don't know how to show him the girl he fell in love with. She is buried under 2 years of hurt.

Loni

white-daisy,

My purpose in telling the story was not that I am strong. Quite the contrary. I know my weakness for the person that I married transcended all common sense. Just like the line in my sig

Daisy,

How did you make it through those first days, weeks, after he left?

Loni

Loni,
The first days, I can tell you I just cried and cried, and I cried some more every time we saw each other. He did give me hope by agreeing to go to counseling, and that was slightly helpful. I did almost drive over a pedestrian, not because I did not see her, but because I kept pressing gas instead of the break, so that tells you where my mind was.....

I talked to my brothers (my parents were on vacation) and they were in shock as they had no idea we had any problems to speak off. It helped a lot, and they were more then willing to listen to me, especially my younger brother who is married and does understand marital difficulties.

I remember I went for a drive after he said he wanted to seperate. I needed time to think, and I told him he did as well, and when I got back he was gone. This was the third time he brought up seperation and after the other 2 times, he never did try to do anything to improve our marriage (my suggestions were dismissed, and honestly, I was in so much pain that I did not constructively work on the issues as well, so he interpreted that as us not working). WHen he said it the third time, I had that moment where I thought, "I cannot keep you here against your will". But when I got back and saw the note that he left me, I was shocked to realize that he actually did it, because honestly I had thoughts of quiting as well, but never acted on them....I always tried to step up....I found out that day just how differently we felt about each other......

In any case, it has been 10 months now, and I can tell you I still cry and writing all this out, brings tears to my eyes, but at the same time, it is not so often anymore either....and actually sometimes I catch myself and realize how sad the fact is that I AM moving on and one day I will not feel this pain......I know I am feeling better, and one day I will be well again, and that saddenes me, because I committed myself to him completely......

Daisy

Loni,

It's easier if we keep your posts together. Otherwise some of us helping you might miss the other thread. I'm copying your new thread's post here:

Loni,

I wouldn't send this letter. Wayward spouses leave their spouse because they feel controlled and guilty about their affair, and so they can have easier access to their affair partner. He'll just feel even more pressure from you at this point if he reads this.

I know you don't want to believe this, but there is a very good chance he left the house so he could be with the OW. A WS will say they need their space, or time to think, but they are almost always leaving the house so they can continue the affair without such drama.

Try to be strong, be happy and up when he is around, as hard as it will be for you. It sounds like you are still in plan A. Keep busy, don't let him see you wallowing in sorrow. Being needy and groveling will just turn him away from you even more.

Don't worry about him not loving you like he should. He is comparing what he feels for you (real love) with what he feels for the other woman (lust/fantasy). What he feels for her is not real and will die with time.

Am I reading your posts correctly that his A has been going on for a couple years now? I'd seriously consider going into plan B if this was the case.

Loni,
I don't think it is a good idea to tell him that you don't think his love for you is gone. The fact is that he feels it is gone, and if you say otherwise, he will see it as contradictory. So, he may actually see that as an LB.

Ok, I would say, take some time, read ARK's post on being still!

Don't do anything yet! I know how you feel, been there, but if I had to do all over again, I would not have pushed so much....I would have tried to give space more. You want your marriage, you do plan A. So read up on Plan A again, ark has another thread on plan A, if you can find it......

DON'T react! BE STILL!

I tell you, I wish I could go back and "just be still".

You see, I found MB about a year before H left, I was on the EN part of this forum and I posted for a couple months. But when H left, I was such a mess it did not even occure to me to come back here. When I did, I was on the EN part again, and although helpful, it is not a place to go when seperated. I was not dealing with an A, so I did not go here right away, and by the time I found this place, I had made all the mistakes you are talled not to make! AHH! My M was not over at that point, but if I had come here right away, who knows......

So, be still is my suggestion.....

Don't send the letter. You see, your H knows how you feel. He knows and frankly expects you to tell him "WE CAN WORK". HE does not want to hear that. So, one way to handle this if you are emotionally strong is Reverse Babble, because even if you send the same message, the dilivery is much different. And delivery matters!. If you cannot do that, go for the plan A.

Best,
Daisy

Thanks Daisy for your letter and for bringing up all of your own hurt to share with me. I will be still. As hard as that is.

Last night, I went to my friend's house while H had the kids. He was supposed to be home at nine with them so I returned at 8:50. I was surprised to find the boys home already. I guess they got bored over at their grandma's and wanted to come home. H was surprised to see that I was gone and very curious about where I could be. I see that as a good thing.

I am praying very hard that the A is over and that what is going on in his head is more to deal with his own fears of what reconciliation could mean. His constant statements have been along the lines of how I will never trust him and I will never get past the A. He has agreed to the MC with Jennifer on Sunday night, so I am going to follow whatever she says. I hope to not see or talk to him until then. It hurts to see him and I am having a horrible time keeping that hurt from coming to the surface.

I am with the kids today, so I will be very occupied with them and I am going to do my best to stay busy today. One day at a time, or minute, depending on the need.

I won't send the letter. You are all right. He knows how I feel even if he says that I don't love him and just want to control him. Or my other favorite, I don't love him, I am just scared to death to be alone.

Loni

Hey, Loni, it sounds like he is a wee bit jealous; that is surly a good sign, true?

I had to do some searching to find this thread by Carol.
You might get some hints from this creative lady. LOL

I hope you have time to read it; let us know what you think.
I like to read it every now and then. It is uplifting and fun to read, what all she does to make her husband a 'little jealous'.

Click here for: Carol's story; IT WORKED FOR HER!

Wow.... Carol's story is amazing. I will slowly try to implement that. I will do my best to be "busy" whenever he is sure to be coming over. Actually, a friend of mine told me to just act like I have something going on all of the time. He does think that I am here waiting for him. Which I am. It would probably be a huge wake-up call for him to realize that my life doesn't go on hold when he walks out the door.

I posted Carol's thread on my favorites. I promise myself to read it every day.

Loni