I am here at work and felt pretty strong most of the morning. But, God help me, I am back to really feeling low. I just want my marriage. Everyone tells me it's over and to move on. That seems like the healthy choice but I still don't want this to be over.

I miss my h very much. I don't think it's a addiction for me. It feels more like I need to learn to breathe with only half of the oxygen that I used to have. This pain is physical and crippling. I am not standing in his way with this D. I am not begging him to reconsider. But, I am praying for him to reconsider. I just love him. I hate what he has done. I hate how he has ruined this M with his lies and deceit. I pray every night for God to whisper in his ear all throughout the day. Then for God to come to him in his dreams all through the night.

Please remind me that I don't need him. I am so sad that I think I could cry an ocean.

Loni

You can't say EVERYONE anymore, Loni. I'm not telling you that! Folks told me that, too..but I refused to listen. I kept my FAITH. I listened to the HOLY SPIRIT... I am HAPPILY RECOVERED in my marriage...It was hard..It was difficult...I had many days such as yours when I didn't know how I would make it..didn't think I would make it.. I just kept putting one foot in front of the other...living from minute to minute..then from hour to hour...

I worked these MB PLANS and I had FAITH that the LORD would take care of me..Rest in HIS ARMS, Loni...HE WILL NOT LEAVE YOU OR FORSAKE YOU...regardless of the outcome of this...HE WILL BE THERE FOR YOU IN THE MIDNIGHT HOUR...TRUST IN HIM...

Hugs to you....

Thank you Mimi

I am trying to take it a step at a time. I can't even think about tomorrow because that is too overwhelming. Sometimes, the next hour is too overwhelming. THis is the longest I have ever been apart from my H. I can't hardly believe that two weeks ago, I thought we were working on the M. I feel so stupid for believing him. I know, he is a WS and they are capable of anything. I keep telling myself that I want my H back not the WS. I keep telling myself that the OW can have the WS because he is sooo much less than what my H was. the WS will never satisfy that bottomless pit of selfishness. I do have faith in that. Even if I don't have faith in my H to return from his fog. How do I hold on to hope without hurting myself anymore?

Please pray for me. I know God is with me but I am struggling with remembering that. My pastor says I am being molded by His hands now. Please let the rest of this "molding" be less painful than I have experienced so far. Please pray for my H's ears to be open to God's truth and his eyes to be opened so he can see through the fog.

I am still the "lighthouse". Still, silent, steady (as I can be) and faithful. May God's light shine through me into the darkness surrounding my H.

I don't know what I would do without this message board. Everyone here should consider themselves God's chosen ones. Thank you so very much.

Loni

Loni,

Just wanted to let you know that I am still praying every morning for you, your WH and your dear family.

Remember my epiphany story that I posted on a diffent thread of yours? I'm praying that God will move your WH the same way that he did me that night.

Is WH still living with his parents or does he have his own place now?

I'm glad that you kept the appointment with Jennifer. Not at all surprised that WH didn't show up for it. Jennifer gave you a great plan of action. Stick with it!

Jennifer thought that WH was still in the affair. I agree that the timeing of the divorce petitions is very coincidental.



I'm hoping that the people telling you that are just trying to help you feel better. We both know that it IS NOT over. It's only over when YOU give up on WH. I don't think that your close to that at this point.



You don't need WH. What you want is H back.


When you're not feeing so strong remember this. There are many people here saying prayers for you & yours daily. I will continue to pray for you & yours daily, so will many others.

Stay Strong!

WTF,

You are right, as usual. I don't need the WH. I need my H for my M to work. I am praying as hard and as often as I can. Thank you for the prayers you are sending on our behalf. My family is so in need of them. I told DD15 last night that God is on our side. She felt better after I told her that. At least that is what she said. I am trying to focus on the positive for them. The negative just overcomes me sometimes.

I can't get over that he doesn't care enough about me to work on our M. That is the thought that just breaks my heart into tiny pieces. I don't know if my heart will ever be whole again after this.

I'm still standing. Barely, but I am. Thank God for all of the support here and with my friends and coworkers.

Loni

Loni, I wish I could be there to give you a real hug, 'cause that always helps me -- but here's a cyber one ((((((((Loni)))))))). I never have any good advice, but I do think you are doing well. There's no way this could not be painful, but the choice is in how you handle it, and you are handling it very well. Keep up the good work and yes, God is definitely on your side.

You ARE a lighthouse!

Dulce

May your light guide your WS (Wandering Spouse / Ship) into your safe harbor.

The link below has some pictures / history of some of the lighthouses around Lake Michigan.

http://lighthousegetaway.com/lights/michigan.html

History links you and WH. You and WH have a long history and many happy memories that you have shared throughout your long marriage. It is / can be a source of great strength for you & H.

OW & WH have no history. The R they had / have is based on lies / deceipt. It's foundation has no strentgh and will crumble.

On a lighter note: We now know of another way in which DD1 takes after Mrs Field. Turns out that she is allergic to penicillen and sulfa based drugs!

DD1 caught a cold at day care last week that turned into an ear infection (remember those days?). The doctor gave us the standard Amoxocillen treatment that we gave to DD1. I noticed during her bath about 4 days later that she was starting to get a rash on her chest / stomach. We called the Dr. and he suggested that we stop giving her the Amoxocillen. The rash continued to be worsen (the Dr had already warned us that it would for a few days).

On Monday this week Mrs. Field took DD1 to the Dr. again. The Dr. perscribed a medicine that cleared up the rash in two days. Last night when I bathed DD1 there was not a sign of the rash at all!

Last weekend we picked up DD14's summer project. A new pony to train. The pony, now named "Cindy" is a 14 yr. old Shetland / Welsh cross.

The pony used to be a "child's" pony but had not been ridden in the last two years. Turns out that when the children actually SAW how big a pony was it frightened them. So they never rode it.

DD14's challenge is to train the pony so that DD9 can handle the pony easily. DD14 is a very good confident rider and helps a local riding stable work with the lesson horses. She will be allowed to have a job there after she turns 16.

DD9 is a very beginning rider. If DD14 is able to train the new pony properly she will be allowed to sell the pony in the fall. Ready for some lucky child to truly enjoy. We already each have our own rinding horse and don't need any extras. This project is basically a "summer job" for DD14 and a chance for her to really "earn" some money.


Stay Strong Loni, We are keeping your family in our prayers.

Dulce,

I love hearing from you. I know giving advice is difficult but you make up for lack of advice with extra love. Your H is missing out on a wonderful woman and I pray that he wakes up and sees you as you should be seen. Thanks for the hug. Here is one back to you (((((((Dulce)))))).
May your lighthouse shine brightly and lead your H home. If not, and I hate thinking about the idea of "not", then you will be loved by someone who really knows how to appreciate the beauty you have shown us.

WTF,

You are great. I love to hear about the family. Your life is so different than mine. Not quite a farm girl. I bet the pony is adorable and your daughter is very lucky to get the chance to train one. How cool that is.

The lighthouse sight is great. I go to the St. Joseph pier quite often. It is only about a 1/2 hour from my home. We actually watch fireworks from that beach every summer.

I got a chance to Plan A some more with my H. He called today to talk to me about our DS17 and plans for extra classes so he can graduate with his class, next year. I stayed upbeat and positive the whole time. He talked about a bill that arrived that was a mistake and how he could drop it off for me to call on it. I said "sure, or you can just give it to DD15 when you drop her off from Driver's ed." I can Plan A much easier in small doses. I will make sure that the house seems warm and inviting when he drops Jo off tonight. Even if he never leaves the drive, he will see into the Living room and the lights will be on and the room will be clean and cozy.

This weekend, I am taking the kids to see a movie. I thought a comedy would be good. Should I invite my H along? Or is it better to let him miss the kids? If I invite him, should the kids do the inviting and I am "agreeing"? Or should I just offer him a chance to hang out with the kids for a couple of hours?

I dunno. I'm not used to this at all. I have only been seperated from him for 9 days at the longest. This is now officially the longest seperation for us.

I was just thinking about laying in bed next to him. Man, I miss him so much. Please, God, bring my H back. My H not my WH. Bring him home to me and our children with a chastened heart and a willing spirit. Do your will so that he is able to see through the fog that his actions and Satan have placed him in. May your light of truth and love then shine into his soul and lead him home. Please keep me strong and steady. And, Lord, please end my suffering soon. Lift my burden and ease my pain. Amen

Sorry, through a prayer in there. Prayers come to me in the middle of a conversation sometimes and I need to let them. God is the only one who will be there 24/7. He is without fault and fails me not.

The lighthouse, steady, strong, silent and faithful.
Loni

Ok I need to vent....

Pardon my rage. My WH is a true [censored]. I can't believe he didn't have the guts to look me in the face and tell me that he filed for divorce. How in the ****** could he pray with me every blessed, stinkin night for the health of our marriage after he filed. That lying, cheating, no-good, SOB. I deserved so much better than what he gave me. I gave birth to his three children. One of them took me 36 hours. I loved him even though he broke my heart. I respected him even though he lied to my face and called my names. I forgave him for ruining my belief in good people. I forgave him for cheating on my with my friend. I forgave him for yelling at me when his sister told horrible rumors on me and I fought back. I forgave him for making me believe that I was crazy or wrong or hateful.

I pray that God lets me see his fall. I pray that it is hard and quick. Mine was slow and more painful than being stabbed every day. I let him make me think that I was fat and ugly and less-than this OW. I let him think that because I didn't want to leave him that I was stupid, and chicken and a fool.

I hate what he did. I hate how he did it. I hate that my children actually think that a divorce might be better for all of us. I hate that I still love him. I hope that he wakes up with a bleeding ulcer and that it eats at him every day what he did to me and our family. I hope that the OW is already cheating on him and I hope that he finds out in the most painful way possible.

Go to ****** WH!!!! You might think you have found heaven but it is only an illusion and you will find nothing but pain, remorse and guilt. You are a fool.

Loni

I am sooo scared. What if he convinces the kids to share custody, or worse, to be with him. I can't live without my kids. Why can't he realize what he is doing? Oh God, what do I do?

Loni

Loni, I understand the fear and anger you are going through. It is good to get it out, but try not to let it consume you. Fear is a terrible emotion that really prevents us from living.

You will find once you let go of the fear and anger you will start to feel better. It hard, very hard, and when you understand that you can only control you own actions or feelings then you will start to feel more at peace.

As for custody, you can't control who you kids decide to live with only how you interact with them.

If you can do some things to take you mind of the situation that will really help you right now.

What do you do? Focus on yourself..developing and working on YOUR PLAN. There's NOTHING you can do about HIM...

I hate to tell you this, Loni. I can just about guarantee you that he will not be seeking custody of your kids. He's planning on focusing on ROMANCE at this time...YUK!!!

Thank you Mimi and HTW. Sometimes, the fear is as overwhelming as the pain. I am trying so hard to stay on this high road and on the plan. I asked a friend how I was going to be able to get through this, and her reply was "on your knees". Prayer is my only salvation and I think this forum is an answer to prayer.

As for his romance... I hope it's going hot and heavy right now. Because, the hotter it burns, the faster it will die. Let it's natural death be before the death of this marriage.

Loni

(((((Loni)))))

Please feel free to vent here with us. We all understand what your feeling. It's safe to vent here with us.

I'm so sorry that WH is being such a typical WS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I think that the A and DJ's and LB's are much easier to forgive than the LIES <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> . The lies are much more like a cancer in the soul of the M. They slowly eat away at the body of the M. Slowly eating away Trust (we WANT to trust our spouses!), respect (how can we respect someone we can not even trust?), & Love (how can we love someone we can not even respect?).

I used to be guilty of lying to Mrs. Field <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. I used to tell her that things were always "peachy" & "rosey", "Sure, We can afford that", when I knew that struggling financially (I handled the vast majority of the money and did all of the bill paying). I wanted to make her happy and protect her from a less than plesant reality. You can guess where that led us. Finally, I had to come clean, as you can guess, it came as quite a shock to Mrs. Field. Mrs. Field was "not amused".

What I had learned from this is very simple in hindsight, but I could not see it back then <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. I was deftly afraid that she would see me as a "failure" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> for not being able to provide the financial resources we required to strive for the lifestyle we wanted. It was a real shock to me find out that the real reason for her anger was the lying <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />(I was just trying to protect her from an unplesant reality it told myself). Simple lesson learned: Lying to spouse for any reason = BAD.

WS's tend to lie, a lot <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> . But they tend to lie for a different reason. They aren't lying to try and protect the spouse (Lying to spouse for any reason = BAD. See I did learn that lesson <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />). They lie to protect themselves and enable the A. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Mulan used to use a tag line that summed things up very well "Remember that a WS cares nothing about YOUR pain".

WH is CHOOSING not to remember the good times in your M. WH is CHOOSING not to remember the pain that he is causing to your and your family. WH is CHOOSING to prolong the fantasy.

I don't think that the children really think that the divorce will be better for them <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> . What your children want is an end to what their father is doing to you and them. Don't doubt for one minite what your children really want. THEY WANT THEIR MOTHER AND FATHER TO BE HAPPY TOGETHER. THEY WANT THEIR FAMILY RESTORED!

Don't hate the fact that you still love him. YOU are still the last best chance of giving your children what they really want. A restored family.

BTW: I prayed for you and yours this morning (yes, even WH), I'm sure many others did so also!

Stay Strong!

Loni,

It usually takes me a few HOURS to create my posts. Obviously we cross posted.

I just wanted to let you know that the kids know what is going on. They know who is struggling to keep the family together.

No, WH DOES NOT realize what he is doing. That would require thinking beyond himself. I don't think he's up to that challenge right now.

Stay Strong!

Honestly everyone,

How much of a chance does this marriage stand? I am feeling so hopeless right now. Everyone in my circle tells me that he won't come back. They probably want me to just pick up and move on, but the thought that he won't is killing me.

I am constantly saying that I'm ok. I'm not ok. I feel awful. I am angry and shocked and brokenhearted. His family is so busy trying to stay out of it, or blessing it(like his sister) they haven't even checked to see if I am OK. So much for 18 years as their daughter-in-law. So much for 18 years of loving their son and raising their grandkids. Maybe, I am better off without all of them. Then why do I feel like my world is ending?

I hope and pray that he hurts like ******. I hope that the guilt of what he is doing just eats him up. I hope that when he looks at our kids, he sees broken dream and heartache.

How do I plan A now? I have been calling it "grass fertilization". May the greener grass be on my side of the fence. I know that I have so much in my favor. E.G... The kids, the outrageous amount of money he will be giving me, our home, and a history of a lot of love. He is throwing it all away for someone who will never appreciate it.

He firmly denies even talking to the OW. Just way too coincidental with the file date for our divorce. His history of lying is just too long for me to buy that one. I think that he is just trying to make it look legit by laying low until the divorce is good and going. When is he going to learn, that I have a much higher IQ then he does? He might fool some others, but I will know the truth. His kids aren't dumb either and they will know even though I won't tell them.

Oh god. What if he doesn't ever come back? I don't know if I will ever get over this. I heard, today, that 50% of women and 30% of men are still not over their divorce after 10 years. What if I am still grieving in 10 years and he is happily moved on with the OW? Isn't that too much to ask of someone?

If God would just let me stop breathing, if I knew when that would be, I could probably adjust.

Sorry, don't mind me, I am really enjoying this pity party. Does everyone feel this awful right after the breakup?

Loni

Honestly Loni,

I don't know what the chances are of reconsiling. THAT depends on WH. I DO know that if YOU give up that the chances are ZERO.

I think that everyone in your circle want to see an end to your pain. The easiest way to do that is to give up / in. I don't think that your willing to just throw away and 18 year M. I think you'll regret it if you don't try your very best to save the M.

If you don't mind my asking, what the story with your SIL? She seems to be a very TOXIC influence in this mess.



That's the other side of this mess. You feel betrayed by a whole section of YOUR family due to WH's indescretions. You're being made the "outsider" due to WH's infidelity. Again, WH's action / choice and IL's choice. I wonder if they really realize that "trying to stay out of it" is tatamount to condoning WH's actions? Sigh... they probably do... they are just trying to ignore that inconvient little fact. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />



Do it whenever you get the chance. When he calls about the kids, etc... I know its hard to do but I think that Jennifer gave you some good advise and it's worth sticking to.



Yup! Does he realize that? Nope! Will he figure that out before it's to late? I hope so for you and your family.



I would agree with you on that! Watch what he is doing and don't give much credence to his words right now (even the ones you long to hear). Your kids will probably get wind if things are going on with WH and OW before you do. Hopefully they'll clue you in if this is so.

As far as custody of the kids. I remember that I was so upset with my dad about the affair that I told him that I would REFUSE to live with him. I wouldn't be at all surprized if you kids developed the same attitude. Even the kids are old enough to know the answer to this morals question.



If he doesn't come back then you'll have known that you did your VERY BEST to preserve you marriage. You will then move forward with God's grace.



Yes, everyone does.


Stay Strong!

WTF,

I am just so down today. I hope this loop of despair turns back into hope, soon. I miss him terribly.

I spoke to him on the phone today. I don't think it was a good idea. I was cheerful and positive but he was able to quickly turn the talk into something negative. He asked how I was going to get the bills to him so he could pay them. I said that I was planning on paying them. He said that he would and he thought that was the verbal agreement that we made. I told him that we never discussed this move and that I didn't make any kind of verbal agreement with him. I asked him if he had talked with his lawyer yet and he said that he hadn't. I told him that the lawyers were coming up with their own plan on how to pay the bills. He said "fine, if you want to pay the bills then I will just have a lot more money tomorrow." I encouraged him to talk with his lawyer. He was actually getting mad at me because I was going to just pay the bills. He asked me if I really thought he wasn't going to pay them. I told him that I know him to be a good man but the lawyer is coming up with a plan to meet our needs. I ended up telling him he could pay the bills and I would give them to DD15 to give him when he picks her up from Driver's ed tonight.

I didn't give her any bills because I don't have any here for him. Also, I was wondering if I should just ask him to come over and pay them here. That way I can make sure they are sent out and it might keep my lawyer happy.

I asked my WH how he was doing. He said he was OK. I said good because I worry about him. He says that he isn't going to counseling yet. He probably won't. I told him that I hope he does because this is such a huge transition. I asked him if he was 100% sure about this divorce. He hemmed and hawed but gave no answer. So... I forged ahead. I told him that I know him to be a good man and I know that if he has any doubts and continues anyway, he will have a hard time dealing. He said that he guesses that he will just have to live with himself. I asked him to, please, search his heart, and if he has even a 1% chance of doubt, to put the brakes on the divorce action. I told him that this is the longest we have ever been seperated and that, it seems, after 18 years of marriage, a little bit of cooling down time might be in order. I said that nothing is saying we have to live together. Just that a divorce is so undoable, that it should be something that we are 100% sure about. I asked him why he didn't tell me about the divorce action for 9 days after he filed. He said that he wasn't sure if he wanted it then and he waited to make sure. He also said that his lawyer told him not to tell me first because then he would have to come in after hurting me and fill out the paperwork. I asked him why he did this because I thought he respected me more than that. That I had to find out from a piece of paper and not the one I have been with for so long. That it hurt me and I had trouble understanding it.

He just said that he didn't want to discuss it anymore. I said "ok, I just want you to know that I care about you and I have more faith in you then you think." I told him to take care and talk to you later.

I am soooo stupid. What was I thinking? that I would change his mind? uuuuggggghhhhhh.

The story on the SIL? Let's see. The OW has made a concerted effort to win over the SIL. All of a sudden, after the A was exposed, the two of them became tight friends. SIL, at first, told the OW that if she was lying to her, then she would kick her butt. Then, when the lying was exposed, OW told SIL that she was just protecting my WH because he had asked her to lie and that is the only reason she did. I then got to hear how the two have been friends "forever". I just know that I have never seen the OW at any of SIL's important events, like her wedding, kid's births, birthdays, even Home Interiors parties. The sitch became worse when the SIL began telling family members that I was threatening my MIL with physical violence if my H left me. And that I was going to have my sister help me. OK.... This is so stupid because, my MIL is hard of hearing, arthritic, over 60, and because I have never threatened anyone in this family, ever. To top it off, she tells her coworkers at the bank, and even customers. Unfortunately, for my SIL, some of these customers came to me to ask what was going on. I was livid. I called my H. He called his parents who called me. I told all of them that I was mortified because I had been seperated from my H for a week and already I was becoming the enemy. I told them that all I had done that week was get up in the morning, go to work, come home, take care of the kids, cry myself to sleep and get up the next morning and do it all over again. I had done nothing to ever cause anyone in this family to ever think that I would do something like this. I told them that if the SIL was ever to be welcomed into my home again, she would apologize to me. To put it shortly, she wouldn't. They told her to mind her own business but never really stood up for me.

A few days later, I went to the bank. I closed a checking account that I had there citing a vicious rumor being spread by an employee as the reason. I never said her name and we have different last names. I figured that if she was reprimanded that it would be because the manager had heard the rumor and who was spreading it. I even did this at a seperate branch.

My H was madder than you can imagine. He screamed at me and told me how horrible I was. He told me that his family will never forgive me and that if the SIL lost her job, it would be my fault and I would deserve for his family to hate me. It was that night that I tried to OD. The thought of everyone hating me was overwhelming.

Anyway, his family barely talks to me. I haven't spoken to the SIL since this happened and I don't plan on doing it anytime soon. Of course, the SIL and the OW are closer than ever. I have also begun to think that the "family member" that told my SIL the story was really my WH. My counselor believes that he was making sure that people thought he "had" to stay with me. You know, I'm too unstable and unpredictable if he leaves me. Maybe the OW was urging him to leave and he wasn't ready. Who knows. I have heard so many lies that I don't think I would know the truth if I heard it.

It's not over. One of my coworkers, today, said that I am going to see it get a lot worse. I am barely hanging in there as it is. If it gets worse, I don't know if I can deal with it. I am not ready for my H to turn nasty in this divorce. I am not ready to deal with my kids turning on me if their dad starts telling them that I am doing bad things, or trying to hurt him. My DD15 is already believing that I am trying to hurt him in going for child support. She says she hates my lawyer for trying to hurt her dad. I just kept telling her that the lawyers are doing what lawyers do and that the law says how much child support is and not me.

I don't know how much longer I can hang on. I feel like I am hanging by my fingernails and getting closer and closer to the edge.

DD15 also told me that she asked WH if he was with the OW again, and that he said "no". She said that she is going to believe him. I told her that I hope it's the truth but I am not sure.

I am still here but I am wishing that my suffering was over. How much more would God want me to suffer? Can't he make this come to a head soon? Please, God, ease this burden on me. Please, God, bring my pain to an end.

Does anyone else wish that their heart would just stop beating? Why can't I be the first to actually die from a broken heart? I know. I know. Why should I be? I'm not that special.

Loni

The family stuff is just the way it goes. It sounds like he may come from a somewhat disfunctional family. In my case, my SIL have been friends for 12 years. When WH had his affair, she took his side on everything. She didn't believe he was having an affair, and on and on. It is very hurtful unless you realize that this is just the way things go.

Your children may go overboard to placate your WH, and not lose his love. You are the safe one for them, and so they will give you grief, because they are afraid to be truthful with your WH. That happens.

You have to realize that your chances of getting your husband back are very good. But you must stop talking relationship with him right now. All he is doing is spouting the standard WS stuff, and you are taking it to heart.

Loni, I know it hurts. I'm so sorry for that. We all know that pain, at least to some extent. But you NEED to be there for your kids. Even if they don't seem worth it at times (you know, when they're being "teenagers" and all that. But you are the one stable, ssfe one for them now. Like Believer said, the way they're treating you is probably a good sign -- they're not worried about running you off -- they know you'll love them and be there for them. Please continue to do this for them. Don't give up -- this isn't the easy road (MB principles, hanging on to your H and M with all your might), but it's the one that will bring you peace -- whatever the outcome you'll know you did everything you could.

Hang in there. There will be an "up" soon. You can do it, you ARE STRONG!!!

Take care, I'll continue to pray for all of you,

Dulce