Thanks Sturgis,

Lighthouses don't get lost do they? I wasn't kidding when I said that this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. thankyou for reminding me about David and his battles within himself and the trials that he faced.

I want to talk to my H about this but I think it's better to just lay low and let him enjoy his fog for awhile. I need to remember the whole "silent" part of being a lighthouse. What do you think about my SIL? A good one, huh?

Hanging in there.
Loni

Do you have a copy of the book SURVIVING AN AFFAIR? It describes PLAN A in detail. Until you get a copy, you can read about PLAN A on this site.

Plan A does not involve sitting back, Loni. It involves taking ACTION.

OK MIMI.

LOL I'm listening and yes I do have the book and I will read it again tonight.

I talked to my H tonight again and smoothed some of his ruffled feathers. I also told him that the invite to come over Saturday and spend time with his family is still on. He wants to see our DD15 anyway, because she returns from Aruba on Friday and he can see her pics and hear all about her trip

I'm OK. He knows that the decrease in family contact makes me sad but he also knows that I am doing well regardless. I was positive while still conveying that this isn't what I want and is indeed a painful experience. He also said that he isn't having a great time with it either.

Good news about the b-day party with the OW...H, SIL (one that is nice) and BIL all said that there was no direct contact between the OW and my H. OK. That's good. It still stinks that the OW was invited by the mean SIL.

Going to bed now. take care and I will read the book tomorrow.

Loni

Ok. Went to the lawyer today and got the letter my H sent through his lawyer. Pretty much what we had agreed on but he added and addendum about discussing with our kids the finances, emotions, and fault about the divorce. I agreed to not discuss the finances other than their dad and I had agreed and the lawyers are taking care of it. The Fault, I said that the kids are well aware of the fault in this situation so therefore it doesn't need to be revisited. But, I said that the kids are of an age that they can and should discuss how they feel about the divorce with anyone they choose including either parent. Also, that they would be more harmed by believing that the divorce is a good thing and that both parents act as if they are happy about it.

As for Plan A...

I am doing pretty well. I talked with H a few times with him contacting me. I stood up for our marriage in a positive and easy way. He is still thinking about the counseling and I really hope he sees benefit in it. If he left because he believes that things can't and won't improve then counseling will help. I did tell him that I wanted him to go willingly and if he wasn't willing then it might be best to hold off for a bit. He seemed open to the idea. Throw a little prayer in there for me.

Next, I got my hair done like he likes it. Highlights and it is longer than it has been for years. Very current and sexy.

The house looks great. Smells great. By the way, so do I. LOL. If he comes by anytime this week, he will be pleased. I picked up some boxes at work but I'm not going to pack for him. He can come by and pack. I can help him and Plan A my butt off while I am.

Saturday is the day for movies and pizza with me and the kids. I hope he comes. Maybe a little dose of "family" will further encourage him to reconsider his choice.

One thing I need some help on though. I am not a very good flirt. Anyone out there with pointers? Come on everyone. Girls that are great flirts? Guys who know flirting and know what gets them?

Feeling better than yesterday. Slept awful but my resolve is still strong. Lighthouse is standing tall and ready.

Loni

its good to see you are being much stronger in dealing with your husband....anyway....

just remember that men are like light switch...we are very simple minded...on/off....it dosent take much to get "us" excited....

what turns me on is simple....you GOTTA smell good...i LOVE the body sprays from "bath and body" like "warm vanilla sugar" or "cucumber melon"....wear something cute but not overly sexy...nice fittin jeans, nice top...simple but sexy and as long as you smell good....evrything else dosent matter.....

i would not go over board with flirting...theres alot of emotions goin on right now between you guys....that may just cause more pain for you if he dosent respond...so i would just be yourself....SMILE alot, LAUGH...maybe alittle wine to relax you....

think back...what attracted you to him to begin with...and vice versa....

just relax...be yourself....ACT HAPPY!!!....even if its hard...but around him....ACT!!! remember "small talk/happy talk"....

you sound like you KNOW how to be sexy....you just need some reasurance....not being needy and clingy are very attractive traits to me....AND....................

you ALWAYS want what you cannot have....create some sexual tension...but LEAVE him hangin in the end....it'll drive him NUTS!!!!

have fun and good luck!!

I listened to you sturgis. Here is what I did... I went and bought cucumber melon scented body spray and bath gel. I remembered that he bought me a ton of that stuff about 4 years ago. He must have really liked it. I hope he still does.

I'm a little sad right now because he said he would call me tonight about the counseling. I haven't heard from him yet and I think he's ditching me. Well, I guess I am not better off or worse than I was before.

Ok, here's a question for ya. My DS turns 18 next month. Should I invite the SIL over for his party or leave her out (which is my preference but not very nice)?

God is good and I am still hanging in there. I was thinking today about the mortgage and how little time is left before the house is payed off. I will have to go to a 20 or 30 year if this divorce goes through. I could just throw a brick at my WH for that.

Loni

right on!!! just dont GET your hopes up...be sexy...but....do it for yourself..first and foremost...HUGE self esteem builder....just think of it as if you were in the line at starbucks and some guy paid you a great compliment...your cute...you smell good...whatever...you know that would not only make your day, but youd wear a smile all day long...thats the mind set you should be in...do it for yourself...

have fun with it!!! and keep the smile on your face <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

oh yeah...as far as your SIL...thats a tough one...

i HATE my XMIL....but i go outa my way to be nice cuz it pisses her off...but thats me...

if you invite SIL...remember that the greatest revenge is "living well and being happy".....

your a woman...how would you feel if she didnt invite you somewhere....ask your kid....what do they want???

i personally would invite...and if she showed up...kill her with kindness....youll feel good later!!!

I heard from my WH last night. He doesn't want to do counseling. His answer was " I don't think so right now". OK. No worse off than before but no better either. Although, he did ask me when my session was and where. I guess that I will pray on it and let God do his will with my H. Maybe, some whispering in his ear from the Holy Spirit will change his mind.

I haven't decided yet on the SIL sitch yet. Im still thinking about it. She has been pretty vicious and I just don't even want to be around her. I think I might just let my son decide what he wants.

I am feeling pretty worn out today. Everyone is telling me to write him off. That he isn't worth it and that taking him back or trying to win him back is stupid. That he is no longer the man I knew and that I am better off without him. It's hard to argue such a "logical" decision. Because it does make sense. But, wow, it really hurts to think of my marriage being over.

I am still doing plan A and I am still being a lighthouse. But today seems so much harder than yesterday. I guess the seperation was a good thing because I don't have to keep up on Plan A for hours on end. I do get downtime and can just brood or be sad if I want.

Anyway, I do hope my H joins us for dinner and videos on saturday. I can plan A my butt off of an evening and then just fall asleep when it's over.

I was thinking about doing a little spying to see if the affair is still going on. You know, the old carrot and stick of Plan a. What do you think? I guess that I feel better when I know for sure what is and isn't going on. One of my coworker told me that if our court date is set for November, then to expect a December wedding. My anniversary is in December. That would really hurt me.

I really hope my H is telling the truth for once. But, honestly, he has lied and hidden things from me for so long that I absolutely can't believe a word he says. As much as I would like to. If he is telling the truth, I stand a better chance of reconciliation than if he is still in the affair.

Not having such a great day.
Loni

Loni:

Don't worry about the counseling. It won't be helpful at all unless he ends his affair. The counseling I would recommend is through MarriageBuilders with Steve Harley. Otherwise, it would be useless. Your WH is definitely not listening to the Holy Spirit these days....



It's important not to listen to such people. Don't you believe that God brought you and your H together and that you married him for life? Don't you believe that he is under the influence of Evil Spirits? Rely on your Christian beliefs and your own feelings and thoughts about your marriage. Do not listen to what those people are saying. They will lead you straignt into the Divorce Court.

I think Sturgis is giving you great Plan A advice.

Loni, the affair is still going on. You don't have to do spying to find that out. Gaining more information is always helpful, though.



This coworker is not your friend. What an awful thing to say to you. That's bull. There's a very, very low likelihood that he will marry that OW.


Your H is a Wayward, Loni. It is the nature of a WH to lie and to be deceitful. Knowledge of this should give the power and conviction to work your PLAN A.

I think the people that you are talking to are bringing you down.

I'm encouraging you to FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE. You have to recognize and accept that this is a BATTLE. That you are dealing with a VICIOUS ENEMY that your have the POWER to FIGHT as long as you DO NOT GIVE UP.....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Loni,


I thought that I'd throw in my 2 cents on the SIL sitch.

I would NOT invite her. That would just create a lot of tension in your home that you do not need. You do not need to INVITE trouble into your home.

I would leave soon to be DS18 out of it. If you ask him to decide he may feel obligated to invite SIL even if he really doesn't want her there. I think you would be doing him (and yourself) a favor by not putting him in a position to say Yea or Nay to her coming.



This being a BS is awfully drainging isn't it?

As for everyone telling you to write him off, Thank them for their concern but keep on doing what your doing. YOU know the man that he used to be. YOU know that he's still in there buried deep inside the WS. YOU know what a treasure he once was and is worth fighting for to get back!

You are much better off without the WS and you will be much better off when your H comes back.

It is logical for these "others" to write off WS / H so easily. They don't know him like you do.

You know as well as we do that your marriage isn't over yet! It's only over when YOU give up. You've got a lot of people here praying for you and backing you up. Borrow our strength when you need some.



That's a great plan! Even if H doesn't show up plan on having a good time with the kids. H will hear about it through them and learn what he's missing.



I know that I certanly would! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



I couldn't agree with you more.



I think that your coworker has developed a case of diarrhea of the mouth <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. I'd be really surprized if the coworker knew more that you about what's going on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> And if by some chance he / she does know more that you about what's going on I would have some serious questions for him / her. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Personnaly, I'd just ignore this particular comment.


Always keep in the back of your mind that he is currently operating is WS mode. Believe very little of what he says (ie. Councelling, etc...) and watch what his followup is. That'll give you a much better indication of what he's thinking.

A little snooping will give you an indication if he is still in the A. I don't know if he is or not but it sure seems that toxic SIL is setting things up to get your H and OW together again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Stay Strong!

Mimi,

thankyou for helping me remember that this is a fight. I want my marriage and I want to be with my H not the WH. I love my H very much and our family is too important to just throw it away. I will work harder on tuning out the negative influences in my life. Also, I will work harder on figuring out what my H's needs are and do my best to meet them. But, only in an honest way. He will know when I am full of it and just trying to fool him.

WTF,

I love to hear from you. I am sending you a private email because my H knows about this site and I don't want him to know about this one item of discussion.

Thankyou for the words of support. This is one exceptionally hard deal that I have been given. By choosing to act as God would have me act is like choosing the high but difficult and long road.

Sometimes I really do feel such hopelessness but I have got to recognize that as coming from the devil and not God. Ok. I feel like I am starting all over again. You know, the whole "what do I do?" mentality. I am rereading the book "Surviving an Affair" and I hope that it sinks in my brain.

And yes, my SIL is toxic. I have come to have no respect for her and dislike her intensely. Maybe you all can pray for her because it's just no in me yet.

Gotta go, I have a counseling session tonight and I will touch base later.

WTF, hug that family of yours for me and let me know how the horse is doing that your DD is training.

Loni

WTF, I can't seem to send you a private message. Would you be kind enough to email me at [email]AK4nzrn@aol.com.[/email] I promise to not abuse the priviledge and I would more than welcome your wife to read the email I send you. There is a line and I won't cross it.

thanks,
Loni

Loni,

I believe that the moderators have turned off the private message feature.

I will send you an email at the address you stated so you can remove it from your thead if you wish.

Actually I will ask my W to look at the email. I learned long ago to be radically honest with my W.

I still say a prayer for you, WS, & your family each morning, I'll include the toxic SIL, I'm sure GOD will know whom I mean.

Stay Strong Loni.

Loni,

You have mail (or at least you should) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> .

Loni,

You've got mail (again)! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Stay Strong!

Thanks WTF,

Some very good advice and tell Mrs. Fields that I appreciate her input in this. I do know that my WH is still in the belief that the OW is a nice girl. I know differently as from everything I have learned about this woman. I know that any relationship that he would have with her is doomed but I just hope that my marriage doesn't have to end in order for that to happen. My H also has said that he can never be with the OW because the kids would never accept it. I don't doubt, however that he would think he can sneak the OW in the back door and that the kids would just get used to it.

I am completely at odds about this. I love my H but the WH has been so horrible. I really would be better off without the WH in my life. But I miss my H very much.

I am going to talk with my lawyer about stalling the D as much as possible. I am also telling my H that a long seperation would be better for all of us, including the kids. He seems to be trying to rush the process with giving me everything that I want so I can't contest anything. It's pretty difficult to contest something that is financially in my best interest yet will speed up the process. If I do contest, then I risk being put out of my home.

This really stinks. Sometimes, I think that if he ends up with the OW, then they both will get what they deserve. Then I remember that my H was a good man with a godly outlook and I don't want him to go down the wrong road that will leave him emotionally and morrally bankrupt. Afterall, he is the father of my children and my best friend of 22 years.

One thing that I know for sure, if I delay the divorce as long as I can, the OW will show her true colors and maybe my H will be enlightlened.

A few friends of the OW's have reached out to me. One is her best friend from childhood. She knows about all of the affairs that the OW has been involved in. Should I ask her to call or maybe write my H with the truth of this woman's character? Maybe an anonymous letter. What do you think?

Still standing, and yes, I am being strong. As strong as God is making me. It's easier to stand when you are hanging onto the Rock.

Loni

Loni;

Do you think that you can talk an alcoholic out of taking a drink at an open bar?

Your H is ADDICTED to the high that the OW is producing for him. Telling him about her..sending him a letter about her will do no good. Sorry. He may even know all those things about her. It will not matter to him.

Focus on YOURSELF, Loni, making yourself into the best person..the best wife..the best mother that you can be.

You can only control yourself..a hard but very important lesson for you to learn.

Hi Mimi,

I forget that fog dwellers don't think logically. Almost everyone sees what kind of person the OW is. I do remember that she is a sociopath. She can charm the spots off a cheatah, but she can't maintain that kind of energy forever. My H will see her for who she really is at some point in time. The question is, will my marriage be totally lost by then and how long am I willing to wait for him to realize the horrible mistake he is making.

I am having a hard time with plan A. It seems that no matter how good things are, how good I look, my great attitude, lit candles when he comes over, he always finds something negative to say. It's like he doesn't even see the good. Kind of like some sort of glasses that filter out the positive and allow only the negative to get to his brain.

I think I made a booboo today. He called and asked me a question and then I said "why, you got plans tonight?" He said that he had a date. I could tell from his voice that he was most likely joking but I couldn't help getting angry. He noticed and started laughing and said "wow, got angry quick, didn't ya?" I said, "Yeah, because we're still married and I still love you and going out on a date would be bogus." He was laughing and said that he didn't have a date and that he doesn't even want to date. I said that I don't either and now I was laughing too.

Whew, this is really hard work. I called for another appt with Jennifer. I don't know when it will be as yet. I also invited my H to counseling next week with me and told him that my counselor would like to meet him. I then reminded him about tomorrow and he said he will get back with me. I said "Ok no biggie, come by if you want."

Still here and still strong.
Loni

Sorry, Loni. The instructions for the WS SCRIPT say: DO NOT LET YOUR BS KNOW THAT PLAN A IS BEING EFFECTIVE. The more effective Plan A is, the more the WS will try to come up with some rationalization for continuation of the A. So his negative responses actually are GOOD. I know it seems bizarre to you but, believe me, that's how it works. I did not know that my Plan A had really been effective until we reconciled. He informed me that the changes that I had made during Plan A caused him to MISS ME and to THINK ABOUT ME during Plan B.

This is why I keep telling you to focus on yourself and to try to disregard what he says and does. He is lost to you right now. He's struggling to make it to his next FIX with the OW.

Also, be careful about allowing the WS to provoke you into anger. That's another one of their strategies to justify the A to themselves. Looking back,my FWH would especially do this when he was planning a special night with her. I guess it would relieve his shame over what he was doing..able to justify his actions to himself.