Oh, I remember those sleepless nights - miserable. Now I look back and don't know how I got through. But I did, and I'm happy again, and I wasn't able to save our marriage.

Loni,

You've got mail. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hang in there!

(((( Loni ))))


I couldn't agree with this statement more! I'm so sorry about this total lack of support from your family. I'm really hoping that the're just wanting to help you get through your pain more quickly. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

On the plus side: I'd be proud of those boys of your's if I were you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> They really stuck up for you that night the WH came over the spew venom at you. They came to YOUR defense. They instinctivly have a good idea of what going on and have chosen to protect you from the alien.

I wish I had some words of wisdom to help with DD. I can feel her pain and conflict all the way over here in WI. We both know that WH has been working her since the beginning of this. I think that she is starting to come to that realization. That's probably one of the reasons she came down from her room to talk with you that night.

As far as the lighthouse is concerned. I have embedded some special items in the email for your use. These items are: Fire glazed hardend bricks [glazed in he11 fire to stand up to the he11 that WH is putting you through], Steel beams [to represent our support for YOU], and Mortar [this mortar is infused with our belief that you can get through this ordeal and infused with YOUR faith in God].

Patch up the light house Loni, These supplies woun't fail you.

Stay Strong!, I'll post more later.

Loni:

I found that I had to stop talking to my family about the affair. I trusted only in the LORD.

Also, ask your medical doctor for antidepressants. That helped me tremendously with the insomnia and tearfulness.

((((((Loni))))))


Same here Loni. It's funny how people don't want to hear the truth sometimes and would rather bury their heads in the sand if it means avoiding it real issue. It might be wise to disucuss the issues with your counsellor instead.

People don't really understand the feelings you have and that is why you get "get over it" or "move on with your life".

Don't listen to people who tell you to give up since you don't know what is impossible until you actually TRY!

Stay strong and were thinking of you!

hey.....howyadoin today....

family and friends will always fail you when you need em the most....

in the LONG run though...things have a way of working themselves out...

what my therapist recomended in the early stages of my ordeal, when i would be lonely and depressed...she said first thing every morning pick 3 things you like about yourself....write em down...then do that everyday...even if you have repeats...it does help....before you know it, you will have pages of good stuff!!

hang in there!

Are you out there today Loni?

How did things go with the counselor today?

Let us know if you need a "repair crew" to help you with that lighthouse.

Stay Strong!

Thanks guys.

I'm here. Been patching up the cracks in the old lighthouse. Making sure the light can shine through newly cleaned windows.

I'm doing much better today. I had a good counseling session and I have decided that I am going to do what I can to save the marriage and if I don't succeed than I know I tried. If I do succeed then my family and his might be in for quite a surprise. My counselor is very much into staying on this plan. She is encouraging me to not give up yet. That my H is still very conflicted despite filing for the divorce. She also gave me some pointers on dealing with the venom spewing and with my family. And, she agrees with you all about my family not being very supportive.

My dad called me a couple of times and tried to get me to see his viewpoint. I finally just told him that I disagree and why but I am not mad at him any longer. I just don't agree with his logic.

As for my H... he called me today too. I was very polite and let him talk but didn't offer too much, if anything. Other than, when he asked me if I was doing ok with finances, I said that I was fine and not to worry. That I am taking very good care of everything including myself. It was a nice little talk, but I couldn't help but wonder how the "stick" was being loaded. If you all know what I mean. LOL.

Gotta go. I'm getting tired and ready for bed. Love you all and WTF, you guys are the ones who gave me the mortar, steel beam and ******-fired bricks to help me rebuild this lighthouse.

Thank you so very much.
Loni

It's dark outside. I've been driving through the countryside for about 45 min. Sunrise woun't be for awhile yet, not until around 6:00 am.

I see a light in the distance. It's bright white stands out against the darkness. It's good to see this light. I drive closer, I can finally make out the source of the light.

It's a small church, near the highway, surrounded by fields. The only light at the church comes from a lit cross, placed high upon its steple.

I smile, it's my reminder to say my prayers to the Lord. I pray and give thanks for all the blessings that the Lord has given me. I pray for my friends whom I've never met that the Lord will guide them in his will and grant them the strength to persurvere.



Sorry, I was remiss in my earlier post <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />. I forgot to include the Windex <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />. Glad you had some on hand!



I'm glad you're doing better and that the counseling session when well. You've got a great attitude considering the situation <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />! Keep it up!



I would most hartely agree! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



It sounds like you have gotten a very good counselor. I think she's a keeper!



If you don't mind, could you share some of those pointers with us? Someone reading here may pick up a nugget of wisdom from it. We can all use some pointers sometimes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



I'm glad that you made up with your Dad. I was a bit concerned when you first posted about that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />


Have a great weekend Loni!

BTW: Mrs Field and I sent you some mail.

Stay Strong!

Hi y'all,

I'm doing much better. Hanging in there. I even turned my wedding pic back up on the armoire. I did have it face down.

OK, WTF, you said that posting the pointers might help someone, so here they are. When my WH starts spewing, first... imagine he is sitting on top of an ostrich, holding a feather duster and wearing the most ridiculous hat you can imagine. Second... everything he says , imagine he is telling me that I have a huge purple beehive on my head (because that is about as true as what he is saying). Last of all, calmly tell him that I will talk to him later, when he can keep it civil then hang up.

OK so that's all there is to it. Sounds simple but I am going to do it. The counselor also believes that my H is beginning to feel badly for what he's done and is doing. His phone call to apologize for the whole "suck my D#$$" comment shows her that. I let her listen to the message on my cell. She said it sounded like "I'm sorry" several times followed by a sigh of disgust, like he knows that "sorry" is nowhere near enough to fix what he did.

I hope so. I'm letting him stew in his own juice for awhile. I need a bit of a rest from the drama. I will persue plan A more aggressively later. For now, I will plan A only by showing how strong and together I am. Oh, and by how nice my house looks when he comes to pick up the kids. Otherwise, I am an a short sabbatical. LOL, the paint is still drying on the lighthouse.

God Bless each and every one of you. I am praying for all of you too.

Loni

My kids had their counseling session today. I learned that all three of them are messed up but in different ways. My DS13 is hurting the most and is the most afraid. DD17 is angry and hurt and wants out of the family. My DD15 is completely sucked in by her dad's fogspeak and believes that I am at fault for this divorce and that I am weak for being sad and that her dad had to leave to be happy because he could never be happy with me. The counselor is concerned about how cold she is and how much she is enmeshed in her dad's doctrine. DD15 stands a good chance of growing up into an unhappy, critical and mean person. Nothing like the little girl I was raising.

WH already told the kids that they don't have to go to any more sessions so the oldest two won't. The youngest is the only one willing. Please pray for my kids. I love them so much. I am afraid of them being turned into people that are angry, bitter or untrusting because of their dad's actions. I am praying so hard and trying to be the mom that they deserve regardless of what their dad is doing.

I am just very afraid for them and I am soooo angry at my WH for doing this to them and me.

Loni

OK,

I am doing pretty well considering. I've had a rough weekend worrying about my children. I finally came to the realization that God is going to have to take that from me also.

Yesterday, I got a call from my DD15. She wanted me to go with her to her friends house and watch a movie with them. I said I would pick her up and that sounded like fun. I went to the mall with my friend to help pick out an Easter outfit for her, and I was 5 mins. late getting to my WHs to pick up DD. She started in on me with the whole attitude of how I stink as a mom because I was late. I told her to stop with the critism and she continued. So I stopped the car and told her that I want to spend time with her but not like this. If she wants to go with me, then she needs to pull herself together and talk to me right, or I would take her back to her dad's and he could take her to her friend's house. She continued to harp, so I turned around and pulled up in the drive and she got out, yelled at me that this is why she doesn't like to do things with me and she went in the house. I told her that I love her and Goodbye. Then I left. I was pretty proud of myself, because I didn't get emotional until I was driving away. I was calm, and never raised my voice. It was hard though.

I later left her a message on her cell to wish her a happy easter and that I love her very much. I also wished my boys a happy easter and told them that I love them very much.

I got a call from my counselor yesterday also. She said that my H called her and talked with her for about 1 1/2 hours. She said that he was very hostile at first but after about 20 mins of slamming me and my "lack of dealing with things" that he calmed down a bit. She challenged his belief that I wasn't coping well and she thinks she got him to put himself in my shoes for a while. She said that he was actually crying during part of the conversation. He also admitted to her that he is having a hard time looking at himself in the mirror.

My favorite part, was that he finally admitted that I am doing a great job considering everything that has happened. He also was able to look at the situation with my dad differently than "we're friends and she needs to deal with that". The counselor asked him if he would have something to say if his daughter got married and her husband had an affair and hurt her and then left for the OW. My H said that he would have alot to say and that he was surprised that my dad hadn't said anything to him yet. She asked him if his daughter deserved to have her dad stand up for her and he said "of course". Then, he finally admitted that it must be pretty hard for me to have my H leave, my dd15 blame me for everything, my SIL to side with the OW and my own dad to not stand up for me.

WOW, all I can say is that God put this counselor in my life at a perfect time. God's timing is completely perfect even if I don't see it or understand it.

So, my youngest is going back to see the counselor. I won't share any info with my H about how he is doing but I will tell him to call her for reports. That would be a great way for my H to continue contact with the counselor. Throw some prayers up for this to be of help for our family. Please.

I am hanging in there and God is with me even when I don't hold on as tightly as I should. He is never far from me and I am not about to distance myself from Him.

Loni

Today, I had a counseling session. She told me more about the conversation with my H on Saturday. She said that she actually prayed about our sitch several times over the weekend. Basically, she believes that my H is going to have and most likely, is already having a hard time reconciling his beliefs with his actions. Hence the fault finding he is doing with me. He knows that what he is doing is wrong. He was also told that he may very well be underestimating the power of love and the amount of love that I have for him. She was also able to stress that what he is doing is affecting not only me but our children in ways that will last for a long time,if not a lifetime. She really hopes that she is able to talk with him again. She thinks that my H is like 2 seperate personalities while in the affair. And that she was able to talk to the fogged out version and the clear person.

To help her get a chance to talk with him some more, I am going to not tell him anything about our DS13 appts. I will tell him that if he wants to know how our son is progressing, to call the counselor.

I am feeling pretty sad today. I miss my H very much. I don't want the WH back but I miss the man I love very much. Otherwise, I am doing OK.

I think I ticked off my WH today. In a good way though. He called and wanted to reschedule his day with the kids because the kids are busy tomorrow. I told him that Tomorrow works better for me. So that didn't make him happy. But then, he brought up that my lawyer hasn't contacted his in awhile. He asked if I knew why. I said that I don't have any idea. He said that it's important for us to figure everything out before the mediation session. I said that wasn't my biggest concern and that I am not going to help him with the divorce.

He then said that it is going to cost us alot of money if we don't settle stuff before. I told him that I am not going to help him do something that I don't agree with. He said "fine, then be ready to pay half of what it costs." I just said 'ok". Then he told me that he thought that was foolish. I said that I feel the divorce isn't the brightest idea. He said that he just doesn't want to spend all kinds of money. I said that maybe working on the marriage would have been cheaper. He just said 'bye" and hung up then. I felt like laughing after he hung up.

What do you think? Did I do Ok?
Loni

""What do you think? Did I do Ok?""


hey there...i was outa town for past several days and was just catchin up...sounds like you had a pretty "incredible" time (i use that delecatly)

i went through the same thing with my 16 yr old daughter early on too...so its was like "de ja vu"...i used to think...i didnt do anything wrong, why are you so angry at me?

i went to a therapist and she kinda put things in perspective, she lashed out at you and is angry with you.....BECAUSE SHE KNOWS YOU CARE!! she knows you love her...she knows you are not abandoning her...she cant say this to your WH, if she did, she may think he would kick her to the curb too....the best thing you did was drop her off....(its kinda "we hurt" the ones we love, menatlity)

i now have an OUTSTANDING relationship with my daughter...it just took time and just KEEP being the parent...she is angry, hurt and confused and may feel she has NO control over her life right now, but dont let her be disrespectful or manipulate you, if you do, she will lose respect for you...this is what my therapist said, i made sense to me and now things are good...

as for you question....how do you feel about what you said and did??? as long as you feel OK and you arent letting your H continue to "beat" you down....i think you did the right thing....

KEEP LAUGHING!!! its great therapy!!!

stay strong!

I think you did GREAT!!

I love Sturgis' recommendation: KEEP LAUGHING..IT'S GREAT THERAPY!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Loni,


I think you did GREAT! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> No LB's, Strictly stated the facts, and you stayed COMPLETELY ON MESSAGE! There was no ambeguity for him to "reinterpt". Good Job! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />



I've said it before, & I'll say it again. I think you've got a real keeper for your counselor!



Yup! Have you asked your counselor if she has an MB screen name? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



[color:"red"] Bullseye! [/color] Right on target. This is EXACTLY what we need to work on with him. HIS issue. HIS belief. Only he can fix himself in this. All we can do is to keep up Plan A and hope he notices.



Add my voice to that chorus Loni. What he is doing WILL affect his children for a lifetime.

My father made me his "affair confessor" when he was teaching me how to drive (does this sound hauntingly familiar yet?). It still ranks as my #1 most unpleasant memory while growing up. I eventually came to peace about what he did to my mother and I but it took MANY years to reach that point.



I hope she gets the chance.



Excellent Plan!



If you need to talk Loni, you know how to get ahold of us. Mrs. Field and I enjoyed speaking with you.



This is a little lesson that WH needs to learn. When WS moved out he gave control of the house and kids to you! He no longer has a say in the control of the household or schedule of the kids. This is just the smallest of reminders of what he as to look forward to if this D goes through. I don't think it hurts at all to have the sitch he created bite him in the a$$ once in a while. Maybe he'll wake up to the fact that this isn't such a good / easy thing as he thought.



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Excellent! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Stay on message!



I hope you had a good laugh after that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I am feeling pretty sad today. I guess that's how grief works. I hope that the sadness will lessen and the episodes shorten as time goes on. I don't think I will ever get completely over this. I think that I will adjust and find happiness again, but I don't think I will ever believe that this sitch was anything other than awful.

I am learning about what love really is and about true commitment during this time. I have learned that people are never completely what you expect them to be. Some that you believed would never stand up for you are exactly the ones that do and the ones that you expect to stand up for you let you down. Probably the most important thing that I have learned througout this ordeal is that God is the ONLY one to put your faith in. The next most important thing is that I can survive on my own. I just really wish that I didn't have to.

I miss my H more than ever. He was my best friend for 22 years. I just want to cry. Alot. Instead, I am working and planning on doing some yardwork when I get home. I don't have time for crying right now. Something that I thought about today was that if my H had died, I would be allowed to grieve. In fact, everyone would expect it. But, since my H just left me, I am expected to just pick up and carry on. Any time spent grieving is viewed as weakness. If I don't go out and make like life's a party, then I am dwelling on the marriage. It doesn't seem fair. If my H had died, I would still have a relationship with my in-laws. People would have brought over meals and offered all kinds of condolences. Instead, I get criticized for feeding the kids take-out. Kind of funny, isn't it? In a sad way, of course.

Sorry for the meloncholy. I am still Ok and I am still leaning on God for love and support and for His grace and mercy. I tried to pray for the OW and my SIL last night. I just couldn't do it. I prayed instead for my children, my WH and myself. Of course, I also threw in some for all of my friends here and the newly betrayed that feel as lost and hopeless as I did. I threw one in for my counselor and praised God for putting her in my life.

Thanks Mimi and Sturgis for the vote of confidence. Fighting the fog is a little confusing and I need to keep on track with that.

I have set a timeline for Plan A to finish. I want proof of the affair first, and after my son's birthday at the end of may, I will send the plan B letter and begin that phase. I could probably start plan B right now but I want proof first and exposure to concerned parties.

What do you think? I will also check with Jennifer before I go to plan B. I will check with my counselor too.

Loni

I think you're being too hard on yourself. You are allowed to grieve. You must grieve. Recovery is not about pretending that the situation isn't horrible. R is about surviving a horrible situation with your faith and sanity intact.

You have been doing such a great job of Plan A. I know that future visitors to this site will be pointed to "Loni's thread" for insight into how to do the perfect Plan A.

{{{Loni}}}

hey.....

howyadoin today....

if you read all your past posts...you will see that you have been all over the place!!!

your grieving now, because its HARD to take the right road and do the right thing....

just dont GO backward.....like they say in war...dont buy the same piece of ground twice....

your plan is working and you are seeing a reaction....i know its hard...but without sounding cliche...nothing good comes easy....OK...

just dont beat yourself up and over "emphasize" any feeling you may have towards him or yourself....

stay strong....keep thinking about all your good traits and features...it helps keep your self esteem in tact at the time when you need it most!

Hey guys. I've been doing Ok considering. Last night was a very difficult night and I will tell you more about it in a later post. First, however, I wanted to say Thank You to Mr. and Mrs. Field for the call. It came at a perfect time. God's work? It makes you wonder. Doesn't it?

Intention, that was so nice of you. I really hope that my sitch does help someone out there. It is disheartening to know that so many people are going through this. If someone does get some help from us here than I feel better about all of this. Not great, but better.

Sturgis. I love to hear from you. Your viewpoint is a little different than my own and you make me think. Gotta love that.

Last thing... I think my WH is reading these posts. He referred to me as "Loni". I don't go by that name. My best friend in childhood used to call me that as "her" special nickname for me. I only go by Loni here and on Sims Online. He can't see me on Sims because he hasn't downloaded that on his Dad's computer. He refused to elaborate on what he was talking about. Just acted like he "Knew" something. I finally just told him that I don't have anything to hide and have a good night.

Sooo... I think I will post a seperate thread for others to tell my WH what they want. If he's reading these, maybe a little dose of looking in the mirror might be in order. It might be a good thing for him to really see what affairs do to others.

My lamp in the lighthouse is burning brightly today. The paint is fresh, the windows are clean, and all the cracks are patched.

Loni