Loni,




My cousin / aunt / sister sent this to me today. I thought that you might enjoy it also.

I hope that tonight is a calmer night for you.

Stay Strong!

Hi WTF and Mrs. Field,

I am having a calmer night. Let me explain to others that didn't get to hear about last night...

My H came by to pick up my DS17 for his visitation day. While he was enroute, I was trying to get the mower out of the shed and got it jammed up on the ledge. I called him and asked him if he would Please help me get the mower out. He ran right over and as he was pulling it out of the shed, my sister called. (my younger one, not the one who gave me a hard time). She told me that my dad's kidneys are failing and that he isn't doing very well at all. Of course, I have been expecting it but it still hurt. My H asked if it was about my dad and when I told him, I started to choke up. I turned and headed for the house so my H wouldn't see me cry. My H called out to me and told me that he wasn't going to bite and then held me and comforted me while I cried. "Hello H". I calmed and went back to the lawn. H even offered to let the boys stay with me but I told him that I was fine and have a good night.

Then, when the kids came home, I had a whole new set of problems. My DD15 was angry with her dad and told me that she saw him talking to the OW at her ballgame that day. She said that she gave him a "look" to make him stop but he continued. Then, after the game, she told him that she didn't like him talking to the OW. He told her that he didn't really care what she thought. Well, that really ticked her off. So, she came home without eating, and without talking to her dad. She started off just being mad at her dad but then decided to spread the wealth around to me too. She told me that she hates me, hates her dad, hates living in this house, etc... Then she told me that her dad left because I didn't keep the house clean enough. I told her that her dad left for other reasons. Her brother came up because of all the yelling and screamed at her to leave me alone and then hit her. I got on him for hitting his sister and then told DD to go up to her room. Instead, then she proceeded to "clean" the house, which really meant picking up stuff and tossing it around. I told her to quit and she proceeded to scream and have a complete meltdown.

I then decided to call her dad. I asked him what happened with DD because she was 'losing it'. He tried to say that she just got mad at him and then finally admitted to talking with the OW. I told him that the kids are upset and that DD thinks he left to be with the OW and that he loves the OW more than her. I told him that he needs to talk to the kids and tell them the TRUTH about why he left. Because, if he all of a sudden starts dating the OW they will know that it wasn't right. I also told him about our DS13 being afraid of something happening to me and he would have to live with WH and OW.

WH talked to dd for a bit and she brought the phone back to me. WH then proceeded to tell me that she was mad about the house and that I need to take care of the house. I told him that he wasn't to tell me that anymore, that he left and gave up that right. He said that the house is still half his and I said," NO, you left and you told me you wanted me to have it, Remember?" Then he said that half of the equity is his and I said, "you told me that you wouldn't take equity because I couldn't afford the house if you did." Then he called me "Loni" and I asked him what he was referring to. He said "nothing". I then told him that I don't have anything to hide and that I haven't done anything wrong. He got mad and hung up on me then.

Then, this morning, he called me again. This time he wanted to talk about our DS hitting our DD. He suggested that our DD should live with him because she isn't getting along with me and isn't safe around her brother. I told him that I don't think she wants to live with him but he can ask her. Then I told him that I think he was missing the point about what was really going on with our kids. I suggested that he think about it for awhile and then get back to me.

Whew, I am having one awful year. I kind of wonder what else is waiting around the corner. I am so thankful that God is with me. If he wasn't, I would probably collapse under the strain. But, I'm not. I am still standing albeit with God holding me up.

Loni

hey there...

welcome to the life of raising a teenage daughter!!! i went through the exact same issues that you are going through...let me throw this your way...my X, on her wedding day, was told by both my kids that they didnt want her to get married and were not happy with the OM....X got ticked off, called daughter "a Bi**h" and told her that "this is my day, nothing you can do about it"......i was shocked, to say the least...

i read things you write about your WH, i see my XW...very similair, she became someone i dont even know anymore...not the person i loved...

with your daughter, she is acting like mine did...she is mad at the world, she "hated" everything....took it out on me as much as she did her mom...

just stay strong...when she DESERVES discipline...give it to her...when she deserves a slap...slap (or whatever you do)....just STAY consistant....

she knows she is saying hurtful things and acting up, this was my daughters way of copeing...

my relationship now....is AWESOME!!! it just took 2 years...OK....just understand, it may take just as long with yours...

my daughter kept throwing out that she wanted to live with whatever parent "was the nicest" at whatever time...said some pretty hurtful stuff...i just kept telling her, "its not up to you, a judge said i get you 50% of time" or something like that whenever she would throw crap my way...

you are still the parent...regardless of your marital situation...dont let her forget that....

hang tough!!

I am hanging tough. I don't really have the choice to not hang in there. These kids are depending on me to maintain some kind of stability through this ordeal. My H has talked with my DD and now she is saying that it's fine with her. I don't know if this means that he is not going to talk with the OW with my dd around or if she is fine with them talking now. She won't elaborate and I am not going to press the issue. I just told her that I don't want her to be as upset as she was the other night.

My DS13 is blaming himself for the affair and for his dad leaving. He feels that if he hadn't been friends with the OW's son, then WH would have never met her. I really enforced to him that he didn't do anything wrong and that this is not his fault, in any way. I told him that he couldn't have prevented this and that he couldn't have stopped it, that his dad and the OW made a choice and that it is on them. I really hurt for him. He shouldn't have to feel responsible for the harm our family has experienced.

I hope that my H wakes up one day and realizes what he has done to our "little man". No kid deserves that kind of guilt.

Feeling pretty sad today but I will be ok. Maybe I will go buy some flowers for my yard because that always cheers me up.

I tried to pray for the OW and my SIL last night. I was finally able to pray for them to be transformed into women that are pleasing to God. I couldn't pray for them to be happy. But I found it easier to pray for them to be better people. Making some progress, huh?

One last thing, I am not going to my DD's softball games yet. She has a double header today and I don't want to be there with my WH and the OW. Just not ready yet. I'll cut myself some slack and take care of me.

Loni

one of the hardest days i had to face, and dreaded it was seeing the OM as we took pictures of my daughters winter formal....i was pretty pumped up because of all my anger and rage towards him....

after it was all said and done...it was NOTHING like i imagined...its scarry, but it was actually pretty easy...

i have NEVER missed one of my daughters or sons games because of the OP...the only one who really suffers will be you.... and your kids...

please reconsider, because if you dont go, your kids will have NO alternative but to have interaction with OW...think about it...if you think it will be hard for you, i gaurentee that it will be 100 times harder for OW and put your H in a very wierd position...especially if you are nice and pleasant....

go....then come back here with a couple of stories how she and your H squirmmed all through the game...then we'll all get a LAUGH, OK...

i know it will be he hardest hurdle you have faced, but i did it, and even now, after my X and OM is married, he still is MORE uncomfortable around me, than me around him...

guilt has a funny way of playing with peoples minds...YOU have nothing to be guilty about and NO reason to miss a kids game on account of a CHEATER!!!

your kids are more important than that, dont make them suffer for your pride...

im not trying to sound harsh...but i feel very strong about keeping your kids a NUMBER 1 priority!!

ill b praying for you....

BE STRONG!!

I'm just not ready yet to do that. I will eventually. I would prefer for my H to wonder what I'm doing. Also, the more he is with the OW, the more likely for her to LB. I am not going to LB at all. In fact, not going to the game allows me a reason to call him. I check on our DD's playing and the score. I get to be positive and friendly while allowing him to believe that I am busy with our boys. Which I really am.

I invited him for "family time" again. He doesn't sound too sure of it but I don't have my heart set on it either. I figure that I am earning points with him by offering him a chance to see the kids on days when he wouldn't normally. Especially for that time when he doesn't see them for a week, EG tuesday till the next tuesday. Whatever, I will be having fun with the kids.

Man, I really am having a hard time today. I have been pretty weepy and have found my mind wandering to doing something stupid. I know it's the devil playing with me. I won't allow him the victory, though. I am completely aware that all of this is temporary. The reward will be when my time on earth is done. I just really hope that God allows me some relief soon. I feel pretty overwhelmed with my dad, the kids, work, the house, bills, and the problems with my WH. I think that I am due for another day of putting down all of the balls that I am juggling and just being alone. Maybe next Tuesday when the kids are with their dad.

Don't worry about me. I am stronger than I was before. I just am getting tired and feeling the weight of decisions that I didn't make. It really stinks that my WH can decide to change my life, our kids lives all to be with someone who won't even want him when she gets him. It's so obvious to everyone except them. Guess that's why we call "the fog".

Thanks for the quote WTF. It hit the spot.
Loni

hey...

its 11:00 pm in Cali, i just got out of the jacuzzi with my GF, my DAUGHTER and her BF....i look back about a yr ago, and im unable to contain a smile and shake my head in dis-belief about how great God has been to me and my children..

i say that to make a point...I KNOW how you feel, I KNOW how hard it is...God knows, i know.....but your kids are trying to cope too, the only way they know how...hurt the one that loves them...

if you wait to take that step and go to a game when your ready...you will NEVER be ready...

something to think about....i hate to sound like a broken record, but i feel so strongly about this....

to be honest, about a yr ago....i HATED my daughter for the way she was acting towards me and felt she also BETRAYED me.....

how wrong i was....

just something to think about...OK...

good nite.

Loni,


Don't worry about going to DD's games until YOU are ready for this. W'ere still in plan A and will be for a while.

I'm afraid that seeing WH and OM together @ DD games would be VERY painful for you. You've got enough pain to deal with right now. You don't need any additional self inflicted to add on top of it.



Why, oh Why, did he drag DD15 so deep into the fog with him? He's not doing her any favors by doing this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


You know what Loni? That's exactly what I'm praying for them also.


Give him a hug and keep telling him its not his fault! Repeat as often as necessary. And then do it a few more times just for good measure.



I'm pretty sure WH knows this already but he will not likely ever admit it to you or DS13. The quote from my father was "It helped you to grow up didn't it boy!" NOT one of my fathers prouder parental moments. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />



Hang in there Loni. I've alway felt that "getting my hands dirty" and doing a little work always helped me feel better.


Have a great weekend Loni!

Stay Strong!

Hey there,

I'm doing a little better tonight. I decided that a funny movie and some R&R with the kids would be good for my emotions. It worked.

H came by tonight to drop off something for DS17. He seemed kinda depressed. I put on my best Plan A face and met him at the door. I even gave him a hug and wished him a goodnight. I hope this doesn't sound wrong, but I hope he is depressed. If he is, it has to do with him and his choices, not with me. Maybe he might begin to see that happiness isn't going to happen because he's not with his wife. That unhappiness is part of him now and HE has to take care of it.

I am waiting for more on the "stick". I will let you all know as soon as use it. Pray for this and for me to use it wisely.

I talked with a friend of mine and my husband's today. He was telling me that he went to my H and told him that he was making a horrible mistake and that he was hurting his family in ways that will last a lifetime. My H respects this man very much and I'm sure that he didn't like hearing what this man had to say. The truth hurts but it's still the truth. I am praying so hard that my H realizes that before our marriage is over.

I am going to go to one of my DDs games before the season is over but I want to make sure and have a few friends there before I get there. It will really help to have some support and an insulating layer between me and the OW. Esp. if my WH is with her. If it gets to be too much, I will just feign a call that sends me home. My WH and the OW will not see me be weak in any way. In fact, I will listen to your words, Sturgis, and remember that they will be more uncomfortable than I will be. Kind of like pretending your audience is in their underwear during a speach. Whatever helps, right?

Does this get easier? I keep remembering the good times. It hurts so much to know that he doesn't want to remember and that he wants this OW more. How do you forgive this? Even if my H and I manage to reconcile, will I still relive this all the time. I know that I won't forget but will I heal? I am probably having such a hard time because this is so against my H's character. Everyone that knows him is shocked. His brother even told our friend that the whole family isn't happy about this at all and is angry with my H for messing up his family. That really helped me feel better. I had been thinking that his family had just dumped me. My SIL probably has, but she is not right. If you know what I mean.

The kids have been pretty good. DD is practicing her driving and hasn't had too many attitude problems.

Praying harder than ever because I know that the devil is working hard on me. He is attacking my resolve and my will. Pray for me a little bit out there. OK?

Loni

Prayers for Loni: ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Loni,


The "stick" of plan A is finally bearing fruit?? Is he finally waking up to the fact that he can't run away from himself? Hopefully he'll be inclined to turn his vision inward and take a good hard look at what he's done and decide that it's time to start "fixing" things.



Let us know when you're ready. If you don't want to post it on the board you know how contact Mrs. Field & I.



Mrs. Field & I are also Loni.



Excellent Plan! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



YES!



You forgive him because it will help YOU and WS to heal. You forgive him because it will help your family heal. With or without WS you need to grant forgiveness to move forward. If you need help granting forgiveness you know who to ask for help.



No, you will not. It will come back to haunt you on occasion but the occacions will become fewer and fewer as the years go by. And when it does come you with have you H (now WH) to help you through them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



Yes. All you have to do is ask. But you already know that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



I'm glad that things are a little calmer for you. Enjoy the realive peace while you have it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



We are Loni!

BTW: Sorry I missed you call last night! Mrs. Field took the DD14 and DD9 to the monthly 4H meeting last night. I was over at MIL's with DD1 performing a medical treatment on MIL's head. Mrs. Field & I called back and left you a message. Hopefully we can touch base soon. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Stay Strong!

I had a good session today with my couselor. She is really encouraging me to not give up yet. She is also hoping for a chance to talk more with my H. Tomorrow is the day our son DS13 goes to see her and H is taking him. I have to work late and it's also my H's day with the kids. I will say a prayer for an open heart and mind for him and wisdom for my counselor. Also, a prayer for healing for my kids.

I got good news on the "stick" aspect. Seems there was NC with the OW and my H all weekend. At least, not in person. I will know more about other contact later this week. I really hope and pray that he's being honest with me for once. I also heard that she might be seeing somebody else. That would be a huge relief. I knew that her attention for my H wouldn't last but that would make me feel sooo much better. Now, if that is the case, I just have to win my H back, not defeat the OW at her game.

Plan A is in full-force. Today, I called just to see how he was and I was carefree and upbeat. I also bought him a "friendship" card. It just says that I was sending him a hug. Inside, I signed it with XXXOOO Loni. I hope he takes it like I intended it.

Still fighting this depression. I think that I am just worn out. I really hope and pray that I can stay strong and see this through. This marriage is very important to me and our kids. I can't wimp out now.

Lighthouse is upright and standing strong.
Loni

Sounds like you are doing well. It is best to not get your hopes up, just keep Plan A'ing away. Otherwise it is disappointing if they see each other.

Hang in there. You are doing well.

Thanks Believer.

I know what you mean. I'm still waiting for final proof of contact via other means. I will have this later this week, if not today. I hope that he's being honest but I have experienced too much dishonesty to get my hopes up to high. I haven't given up hope yet for my H to return and for the WH to be just a memory. I am so ready to start a new life. One that I hope my H is part of. I know that I will come out of this a better person. I have changed and grown in so many ways and I needed a time of trial and heartbreak in order to even understand why I needed to change. God didn't do this to me but he allowed it to happen for a greater good. I needed to really understand that He is my rock and not my H. I had to realize that He is the one for me to rely on and place all of my hopes in. OK, I get it. But, now it's time for my H to meet his challenge. I am praying for him to turn toward God and maybe he has to be completely broken, like I was, in order for that to happen. God has him in His sights and hasn't let go for a second. I am waiting for the day that my H looks up and sees God holding his hand.

I know, I am kind of on a pulpit today. I just know that the only way through this is with God by my side and in my heart. Otherwise, it is all too easy to slip and let the sadness, anger and fear take over.

I left the card on my H's truck this morning. I am not expecting any response, in fact, my friend warned me to be ready for a negative response. If that happens, I will be OK because I know that I didn't do it to manipulate him or make him do anything. I just want him to remember the parts of me that he loved and (I think) still loves. What do I have to lose by showing him kindness, he's already filed for divorce. A card of friendship is pretty tame and doesn't have any strings attached. My kids, nor his family, don't even know about the card so there won't be any pressure on him. At least none that is from anyone other than himself.

Still praying and still holding on to God.
Loni

Loni:

You are doing GREAT!!!

A minor suggestion:

Try not to focus on the NC with the OW because there's a real good chance that it is still occurring. Focusing on this will set you up for a letdown. I would say assume that there is continued contact in some form or another. If no contact over the weekend, then expect that this can pick back up.

Try to strictly maintain a FOCUS on YOURSELF and YOUR PLAN...which it sounds like you are GREAT at doing...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hey Loni!

We haven't heard from you in a few days.

Can we assume no news is good news? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. Field & I are still praying for you.

Let us know how you're doing.

Stay Strong!

Hey,

I have had a pretty busy few days and yesterday was just awful. Sry to have to pass that on. It started with the OW calling me on my cell while I was at work. I didn't recognize the number and answered it. She went on to tell me that she was going to call my director and get me fired. She said that she had heard what I had been saying about her at work and that I needed to be careful about who my friends were. I almost laughed at that but instead, I told her that she is the one who taught me that lesson. She then said she didn't do anything to me. OK. Right. She hung up on me when I told her that maybe her boss needs to hear what kind of woman is working at her salon.

I called my H and told him. Remember the whole deal with my SIL and how angry he was when she could have been fired by me telling the bank about the rumors? I never even said her name, and infact, I said that I didn't want anyone to be fired over this but it should be addressed. I put it to my H as "How will our kids be affected if she causes me to lose my job?" He tried to make a few excuses for the OW and then just got off the phone.

Later, I got good news about the phone records. Still waiting on all of them.

Then, my DD15 had another meltdown. I told her that she is not to talk to me with disrespect and that I am her mother regardless of how she feels about it. She said that she hasn't respected me for the last two years and she isn't about to start now. I said that if she wants to live with her dad then she should get packed. Because, apparently, she only respects him. She said that she respects him because he's not like me.

I called her dad and I fell apart. I know. I blew it. I am just so tired of this constant barage. I told him what had happened and he told me that I am going to have to figure this out with our DD. Then he said that he would talk to her. I told him that she hasn't responded to the talks at all. Then I asked him how he could do this to us. Why did his happiness have to come at my expense and our children's expense.

Later, after he dropped her back off at home, she went straight upstairs and refused to speak to me. I called her dad to check on how she was and he went off on me. Told me to start being a mom and take care of the house and Step up to the Plate and be an example for our kids. I asked him if he was a good example and he said he was. I said "how? by leaving instead of trying to save your family?" He hung up on me.

I cried all night. I talked with my friend on the phone and she was encouraging but told me that she thinks that he isn't ever going to change his mind about the divorce.

Still trying to hang in there but I am finding it harder to do. I set up an appointment with my counselor for tonight. Everyone seems to think that I have all of this strength but I am not feeling strong at all. I am still leaning on God and praying for relief and rest from all of this.

Today at work, a patient came in. Her family member is friends with the OW and she was telling a coworker that I am unstable and that she hopes that I keep my [email]Q@#@[/email] together and not embarrass anyone.

I know I messed up by talking to the OW and letting my H see me fall apart. I don't have it all together and I don't really know how to get it that way.

Should I just give up and move on with my life, at least what's left of it?

Loni

(((Loni)))

Just a Hug for now! I'll post more later.

Hang in there!

loni...

in reading your posts....nothing i can say or words of encouragement is going to change anything or make it easier....i coild give advice, but it isnt anything thats you havent already heard and know....just try to stay STRONG!

my heart broke reading about your recent ordeal....

just keep your faith in God...sometimes, sadly thats all we have!!!

ill keep prayin for you!!!

Loni,

I'm glad that you were able to turn that conversation around on her. SOW ((S)kanky OW) was just spewing venom @ you. There is not validity to what she said about your job, and I would have laughed at her about that friends comment, It's classic self blindness! On the good side, you now have a new number to block! In the future, were I you, if it was SOW on the line I would just hang up. Don't let her suck you into conversations with her. I woun't do you any good. Any convo with OW = BAD.



Interesting that he's still protecting her. Old habits die hard I guess? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />



Let us know the good news when you have time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



Sigh... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> WH has been working her for years about this and she's as deep into the fog as he is. She doesn't want to see whats going on. She wants someone to blame. Can't be WH because he might ACTUALLY not call or talk to her is she rants against him. Unfortunately that leaves you as the closest available target. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> As if 15 wasn't already a difficult enough age. sigh...



Don't sweat it Loni. Stand up, Dust off, chin up, Eyes forward and Go forward from here.



Sometimes I find that if I call the next day that calmer heads will prvail. Try to resist the urge to call right away, emotions will likly be high at that time and it is much more likely to LB in those sitch's.



Move forward with life, be proud knowing that you are fighting to save your M. Don't give up the fight, Remember: You've got someone in you corner who can't be defeated.

Stay Strong