Hey Sturgis..

The RO is longer then a TRO. It is in effect until Oct 31st. It is for everything, including, being within her sight. How on earth am I supposed to stay out of her sight in this little town. Come on. Our kids are friends and they go to the same school. Honestly, this is hurting them more than me because their contact with their friends is severely limited. Also, there is no way for me to argue against this. It was done without a hearing and without evidence. I am going to my lawyer tomorrow to check on taking care of this and on how to protect myself from more false allegations.

Yeah, my nose got bloodied but I know that the truth will win in the end. I will be better because of all of this and they will not be happy. At least, not for long.

Hangin on
Loni

NC is difficult but a necessity for keeping your sanity. Nothing changes with continued contact. The words and actions that you long to hear and witness will not happen until the WS comes out of their fog. Also, NC allows you time to clear your own BS fog of co-dependence. Dang...this is all very hard on the family left behind....especially the BS who has to keep it all together for the sake of the kids.

Best of luck to you on Plan B. You won't regret it!!

Oh, Loni! I'm so sorry it's coming down to this. I'm glad that you at least have the evidence you need about the A. Boy, these long-time MBers really know what they're talking about, don't they? I was wondering about the A, but they all knew. I'll know better than to wonder next time.

That PPO is crap! I can't believe some judge would sign that w/o evidence or even hearing your side of the story. Is that how they always do it? That's crazy! Anyone could (and did) make up anything they want about anyone and get it signed -- WHAT!! There should have to at least be some evidence. Whatever!

Okay, Plan B it is. You are going to really get some relief from this. You'll enjoy the peace, I'm sure. You and your family will be better off and WH will someday see his way out of the fog. And in the meantime you are a lighthouse. You are strong. Keep it up Loni -- hope your call w/ Jennifer went well. Take Care,

Dulce

Loni,

How did the call with Jennifer go?



Hang in there! This is the dark before the light "relief" that will be yours once plan "B" goes into effect. You can "pack up" those mometos but don't throw them away quite yet.

As for going on a "date or two" grab some of those supportive GF's and head out for some 'rita's. Make sure to hoist one for Mrs. Field and I, we'll be the with you in spirit and have a good time.



Try to think of it this way. They ARE NOT the people that you used to love. These are ALIENS with an uncanny resemblence to our loved ones. I still haven't quite made up my mind if they're actually human yet! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


That will be the real relief of plan "B".

Never got the call from Jennifer. Maybe the number got messed up. Huh. I'm not sure but I will be emailing them today.

I am in Plan B right now. I have already had my friend forward a message about the kids to my H. I'm sure he's wondering what's up. I talked with my lawyer today and he is going to try to get the PPO rescinded. He says that I have shown that I can get violent if provoked enough. That is from the incident 15 months ago when she threated to start the affair up again and I pulled her by the hair. I told my side of the story and also pointed out all of the lies that she wrote down. I was pretty discouraged after the talk. He also told me that I can expect my WH to get half of everything. I hope he has a guilty conscience during mediation.

My DS13 told me that he doesn't want to see his dad anymore because of how he is acting and the fact that his affair with the OW has "ruined" his life. His counselor has been encouraging him to talk to his dad and tell him how he feels. Last night, he finally mustered up the courage and called his dad. He told him that he doesn't want to talk to him until he quits acting so bad. He also said that he ruined his life by messing around with the OW and that he hates how he always defends the OW and never defends his mom. Then he started crying and hung up the phone. My heart was just breaking for the guy. I told him that I was proud of him because he was so brave and that must have been really hard. What else could I say? He didn't disrespect his dad, he just told him how he felt. I'm sure that it is going to come back to me being the villain and putting our DS up to it.

My DS says that his dad is really trying to figure out how he can go to the OW's house with the PPO in effect. That figures. I told our DS that I have no problem with him being with his friend and maybe his friend can come over to my WH's for the night. I just don't want the kids around the OW until the D is final. Guess they kind of screwed up with that PPO. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Everyone is telling me to just give up and accept the inevitable. I haven't given up but I have given it over to God. If my H ever comes out of this fog, then we'll see if there is anything left to work with. Who know. Maybe I will be completely over him and on my way to a new life. Either way, I am going to work on me during the next several months.

I was so discouraged today. I really felt like just running away. I know that I can't do that but the feeling was still there. One day at a time. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Meanwhile, I am typing out the Plan B letter and I will send it to my H through his brother. That way, I am sure it got to him. Please pray for me and the kids to have a little peace.

On another note, my DD15 was heard telling one of her teammates that I was just too lazy to come to her games. She knows why I wasn't coming. So much for taking the high road.

Still standing,
Loni

The following is the Plan B letter that I am giving him this evening.
May 8th, 2006

Dearest WH,

I am writing this to tell you that I love you and that I want our marriage to survive and grow into one that makes you happy as well as myself. But through the last few years, I have felt the love I have for you weakening. In order to preserve what is left, I need to avoid contact with you and I ask you to please not contact me. This isn't to punish you and I don't intend for this to hurt our children in any way. It is to protect myself from further hurt and to preserve any good feelings that I have left in my heart for you. Which in turn will only benefit our children, whom we both love so much.

The problems in our marriage were not caused only by you. I know that I did things too that hurt you and made you feel less than important to me. I see that so clearly now and I am sorry for the things I have said and done that have hurt you. I have spent the last two years learning how to be a better wife. I have made mistakes that I can't take back, but I want you to know that I would if God let me. I am still looking into my heart and searching my soul and I pray that I will be a better woman, mother, and hopefully wife in the future.

I have asked (a friend's name) to act as an intermediary for urgent cases involving the kids or other important issues. She will make sure that I am contacted whenever it is necesary. If you feel more comfortable with your brother, to act as intermediary for you then I have no problem with that as long as he is fine with it.

If, you decide to end your relationship with Ms. OW, then I could resume contact with you and look into repairing the damage our marriage has sustained. During this time apart, I will continue to work on myself and becoming the best woman that I can. I will also be working on helping our children with this difficult adjustment.
As for any of the legal issues, Our lawyers will be the ones handling those.

I love you very much and for a very long time. I hope to have the opportunity to make a marriage that would bring joy to both of us and that would meet the needs that the two of us have. I have so many wonderful memories of you and I and our family. Please know that I care for you and I am praying for your well-being every day. Take care of yourself and God Bless.

Love,
Loni

What do you think?
It's the last thing I will do when I have a WH. If my H returns, then I would climb mountains to save the marriage but only if he is climbing right next to me.

Loni

Sounds great to me. Let's see what everyone else thinks.

Actually,

I like it.

Thanks you two. I have delivered the letter to my BIL's house after he agreed to be an intermediary for me and my WH. I'm sure that my WH has had a couple of big hits in the last few days. I hope that his fog has cleared a little and he can see that this isn't as easy or beautiful as he imagined. I know that the PPO threw him off. My DD said that he was calling "friend of the court" to see if I can still come to my children's activities. I think that if he was in on the whole idea, that it backfired when he found out about the kids having to stay away from the OW's house. I also know that it threw him when our DS13 called him and told him how he felt and not to talk to him anymore until he starts acting like his dad again. My DS13 has held true to his word too. He hasn't called his dad and he has asked his brother and sister to not give him the phone if his dad call.

I talked to my lawyer about this and he said that I needed to strongly encourage my son to have time with his dad. I did that and then the decision is up to him.

Feeling stronger now. Looking forward to some peace and healing. I might have to go to a hearing about the PPO but we'll see. My DS13 told me that the OW's son says she called the judge and admitted to lying. I doubt it. I'll believe it when I see some proof. Until then, I am staying as far away from her as I can. Actually, I prefer it that way.

I'm glad you liked the letter. I called a short family meeting with the kids and discussed the reasons for plan B and that I don't want them to become messengers for me or their dad. But, if they have something to discuss with their dad, they can talk to him about it. They all seemed pretty happy about the idea behind the plan. I told them that it will bring us all a little more peace and quiet in our home.

WTF, Thanks for the suggestions for my letter. Can you see that I used them? Give a huge <<<hug>>> to the family.

I feel lighter and more free already. My friend is going to come over and help me rearrange the house and then go over the bills with me so I can manage keeping the house if I have to give him half of the equity. I have at least 2 mos before the mediation so a lot can happen before then. By the way, It has been exactly 2 months since my WH filed for divorce.

Believer, Yes, I am still the lighthouse. I have a few more cracks and a couple of broken windows but the light is shining bright as ever. <<<hugs>>> to you too. I know you have been here and I appreciate you very much.

Loni

Another day and another step toward peace. My WH came to pick up the boys and my DS13 wouldn't go with him. WH hugged him but my DS13 wouldn't hug him back. WH said "Ouch! Pretty cold." DS said goodbye and came back inside. I never saw my WH or talked to him. Almost one whole day of Plan B is over. Whew! I think I can do this. I feel horrible for my DS13 though. Maybe this is what my WH needs to come out of the fog and see what he has done to his family.

Even then, how do we forgive him? How do we ever trust him again?

I am feeling so sad again today. I just miss how things were and everyone tells me to get past it and accept that the marriage is over and to start over again. I don't want to start over. I want my family to be OK. Does anyone else feel like they have a scarlet letter on when they are getting divorced?

Loni

well, I am slowly doing it. Today was another hard one though. I am really grieving for the marriage. I do have some hope for a little happiness to come my way. I am way overdue for that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

I know that this is it for the marriage. If Plan B doesn't do it then I hope that I will be OK with the idea of not ever being with my H again. It hurts so much to think of him with the OW but everyone assures me that their relationship will be short-lived at best. Or at least, very unhappy.

Loni

Hugs Loni,

I went to plan b last night, after a rollercoaster of 6 weeks.

Today I am sane, for the first time in six weeks of heartache I am sane.

I am not living with my mobile phone constantly in my pocket, waiting for a msg from him.

I do think of him constantly, but the churning in my chest is gone (well, almost gone)

ANd I was able to play with my children this morning - and that was a big step.

YOU CAN DO IT LONI.

And let us BOTH pray that our WHs come out of that fog very quickly and back to their loving families.

Hugs
zuj

<<<<<ZUJ>>>>>

Big hugs to you. It is a comfort to not be waiting for a positive reaction from a WH. I don't feel like I am under the gun to be perfect for him anymore. I wanted to call him a few times but only to tell him what a huge mistake he is making for our family but I know that it wouldn't have done any good. He needs to find that out for himself. My counselor says that now is when he is going to begin to realize that his unhappiness resides in him and is not because of me or our marriage.

I'm looking for the time when he takes all that anger and frustration out on the OW. It's only a matter of time before he starts criticizing her because he can't criticize me any longer. AHHHH I am really looking forward to that. If our H's never come back, at least we know that the OW get our scraps. We had the good guys. The honest, hardworking men with character. They get the cheaters and liars.

Take care girl and send me as many messages as you want. I'm sending up lots of prayers for you because Plan B starts off hard but gets easier. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Loni

Well,

My WH called and left a long message on my cell today. It was about the kids and he just went on and on. Ok, I know. I shouldn't have listened to it. (ducking the 2x4s). I called my friend who is acting as an intermediary and she called him. He told her that this NC with each other is stupid and what is he supposed to do in an emergency. He also told her that it wasn't fair to her and she told him that she agreed to it. He also told her that there are two sides to every story and that he's keeping his side to himself. Like he has this huge arsenol to use on me.

Then he called me back and left another message, which I deleted. I felt bad about bothering my friend again to tell him that he could pick our DS17 up tonight like he wanted, so I text messaged him. OK, another 2x4 coming. I won't do it again, and my friend reminded me that she doesn't mind being a go between because she knows that I won't abuse it.

I came home and reread the Plan B letter. Just as I thought, I spelled it out exactly and without any confusion. If it was all about doing what was best for the kids, he would stop contact with the SOW (skanky other woman) and then we could resume contact with each other.

One question though, what if one of the kids gets hurt and goes to the hospital? Plan B goes out the window? What if it just ticks him off and he will only leave a message on the cell for me and I just delete it without even looking at it?

I really want to do a great plan B without hurting the kids. Pray for this little family. OK?

Loni

Loni:

Change your cell no. unless you have enough discipline not to listen to his messages.

Plan B is just as much about you having NO CONTACT with him as vice versa.

Continued contact with him runs the risk of you losing your love for him.

Thanks Mimi,

I am doing better. I have enough will power to just erase any messages and I don't answer when he calls.

One funny little thing happened last night. I was talking with a friend on my cell when someone beeped in. I didn't answer it, or even look to see who it was. I turned out to be the cold phone. The secret phone that my WH is using to carry on contact with the OW. What on earth? I was surprised to say the least. He didn't leave a message but it kind of threw me.

I replaced my wedding set with a mystic fire topaz ring. It is beautiful and the heart shaped stone is to remind me to love myself.

Loni

What a great idea with your rings!

I'm pulling for you Loni!

You've been really strong, and you deserve peace.
I'm so glad your DS13 stands up for his principles.
Give that guy a big hug, and reward him for his strength.

All WS think plan B is "stupid", because they no longer have free rein. Your counselor is so right on the criticism, its going to get directed elsewhere since it can't get directed at you anymore.

Great job on the family meeting. I hope your other kids get on board with it.

That PPO is such an insult. What kind of man has an affair and allows his wh*** to treat his FAMILY this way???? Because your kids are feeling the brunt of this too. Now mom can't come to their activities? Because Dad wants the wh***???

UUUGHHHHH.

Hey Loni,

Just thought I would pipe in for a bit.

I liked the idea with the ring. I'm quite fond of those Myptic Topaz stones myself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

As for the unwelcome phone calls, I think I mentioned in an earlier post that you could block numbers from reaching your (cell) and (home) phone. I would at a minimum recomend blocking WH's cell, SOW's Home and cell, the cold phone, IL's phone. I would also be a little leary answering the kids cells when you know they are / could be with WH. I suspect that he may "borrow" their cells to contact you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

You've got a good friend there that's agreed to be a go between for you and WH! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Let her be a good friend and force WH to go through her to get messages to you.

No 2X4's from me & Mrs Field ( <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />yet!). You know the routine. Delete without listing to voicemail messages. If he gets ahold of you, HangUP!

If he sends you mail; toss it away unopened (perosnnaly I shred it).

If he show up at the door. Don't open it. BTW: Have you changed the locks yet?

If he shows up at work. Let it be known that you do not wish to see him and let security deal with it.

You're doing great so far! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

On another note: We no longer have birds in our basement! They've been moved to the aviary. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Stay Strong!

It has gotten worse around here. The OW sent police to my job today. I had called the cold phone and said "hi, WH, Gotcha!". Last night the cold phone called me but I didn't pick up, in fact, I didn't even know who was beeping in until I got off the phone with a friend and checked my missed calls. I saved it on my phone to prove that it called me.

The police said that she told them that I am fraudulantly obtaining her cell phone records to harass her. She believes that I have a secret internet account that gains me access to her records. Nope. I just hired a really good PI.

I went to my lawyer and filed a termination of the PPO. In it, my lawyer tells my side of things and that the OW lied in her statement. He also said that the judge wasn't going to be happy about the abuse of the PPO. By calling the police about me leaving a message for my husband on a cell phone that I believed to be in his possession, I didn't violate any order. My lawyer says this is all BS and he is going to take care of it.

I broke plan B and called my WH about stopping the harrassment. He went to spout venom at me and I just hung up. Back on the Plan B horse. My dad called and told me that my WH called him to tell him that he doesn't have any secret phone and my dad actually doesn't want to disbelieve him. I told dad that I won't discuss this with him because he doesn't want to see the truth even when I have proof of it.

I wanted to give up today. I felt like it didn't matter if I was doing the right thing or not. I felt abandoned by all including God. Everyone at work saw the officer. Everyone saw him talking with me. What if my patient's family had seen that? How would they trust me to be a competent nurse when the police are questioning me at my workplace?

I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired and hurting and this is becoming too much for me to bear. Please help me out here guys. I'm scared. What if she causes me to lose my job? How am I supposed to take care of my kids? Oh please remind me that it's going to be OK. The lighthouse is crumbling and I don't think God is staying by me anymore. What if I did do something that He hasn't forgiven me for? Maybe this is my punishment for not being a good enough person.

I'm really struggling guys and I'm sorry that I'm not stronger. I am trying so hard and I don't know if I can do it anymore.

I don't think I can ever get over what my WH has done. Even if he somehow comes out of his fog, I think I am done with him.

Loni

Stay in Plan B, and don't call him on any phone. You need to remain out of the drama for awhile. Free your WH and the OW to start fighting with each other.