Loni,
I agree with Believer -- you need to stay in a strict plan b. That means don't call him or leave him any messages or send any messages through the kids or friends or anything. Just stay out of the fray. It's got to be so hard, but you will have to be strong. You can't exactly be the lighthouse for WH right now (since plan b is all about being "dark,") but you can and will be a lighthouse for your kids and yourself. You know what you need to do. You definitely can't give up yet, plan b hasn't even been on for a week. Hang in there and stay dark and I'm sure it'll get easier. Come here to vent, call a friend, but DON'T call WH. You can do this, you can stick to it. Make a firm, fast goal to go one week with a perfect plan b, then see how you feel about things. I'll bet things'll look better to you. Getting out of the fray will help.

Okay, just my humble, inexperienced opinion here. I'm sure others can guide you better, but I say if you're doing plan b, do it as perfectly as possible.

Loni, my thoughts are with you. I know this is so rough on you ((((((Loni))))). We're here for you and you can do it!

Go Loni!!!!


Dulce

{{{{Loni}}}}

I just came to check up on how things were going and Im so sorry that you are struggling so much.

I hope you have the strength to keep going. You can't go away somewhere can you?

Take the kids and disapear for the weekend? I know with your work you probably can't.

But I am seriously thinking of doing something like this in a few weeks time if it's all getting too much for me. Cause I fear I will be in Plan B for a while longer <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

My WH also thinks it's 'stupid' to be contacting me through our friend. And he is sending her msgs 'venting' at his brother -for her to pass on to me. She is ignoring them.

Anyway - I just wanted to give you a {{HUG}} Please stay strong! I am fighting to do it too!!

zuj

Thanks everyone. It is really a struggle but I am better today. All of this legal junk is wearing me out. Thank Heavens I have a really good lawyer. He is taking care of the PPO and all of the junk that goes with it.

Funny how you mentioned getting away for a few days. I am going on a conference in Las Vegas Sunday. I won't be back until late Thursday. I can't wait. A good friend from work is going with me and I know we will have a great time.

I'm still on the high road with the Divorce. But I am beginning to believe that my H is gone forever and I really have no respect for the man he is now. The SOW can have him as is.

Ok, I am expecting a few 2x4s but I am on a dating service. I haven't dated yet. I have only just e-mailed a few and one has emailed me. I am kind of curious about this whole dating thing. Curious but also incredibly scared. I haven't dated since I was 17.

Yes, I will stay dark. My goal is to stay dark for the next 7 days and then go as long as necesary.

May 24th, I go to court about the PPO. Pray for that one. I hope the judge sees it for what it is. My lawyer thinks the abuse of the PPO is just going to tick him off. Let's hope.

Loni

I put my pic on [email]love@aol.com.[/email] It hasn't been posted yet but now I'm scared. I feel sick about dating. At first, it felt kind of exciting. I am a married woman. More than just legally. I have been married for most of my life and I don't know how to not be. I just miss what was. I really don't like the man the my WH has become but I really miss the man he was.

Loni

Loni


The legal stuff is very stressfull and tiring. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> But on a good note they are shooting themselves in the foot everytime they try something like this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> The PO is keeping your kids away from SOW so OW can't try to normalize his relationship to her with them.

The Police call is going to backfire on SOW big time! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />Judges don't like being "played" this way. You and your lawyer know you've got evidence to back you up. What does SOW and OW have? NOTHING. Lies and inuendo! That doesn't go very far in a court of Law.



Excellent Timing! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> That will be a real boost to your plan B. Getting away from the drama AND having a good time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> Remember what I told you about your kids cell phones. WH may try to use them to contact you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />


And the High road is where you need to stay! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Your H is currently a card carrying, member in good standing of the WH club. Whether he becomes the H you used to know and respect is entirly up to him. You don't need nor should you respect the WH that he has become. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Of course, sometimes the best revenge is to give someone what they think they want. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> Just look at what SOW is getting. A cheating husband who left his family for her. Of course, she will need to keep a VERY close eye on him to make sure he doesn't cheat on HER. Look at what WH is getting. A cheating wife who left her family for him. Of course, he will need to keep a VERY close eye on her to make sure that she doesn't cheat on him. Doesn't that sound like a match made in he11?

You got the good, respectable, upright, moral man for 16 years. SOW is getting your "leftovers".



Sorry for this Loni <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> (whack) NOT a good idea right now. If SOW and OW find out they WILL try to find a way to use this against you.
Mrs. Field and I would think that this is wonderful news and applaude you for getting on with your life (if you were posting this in January 2007).

Frankly, I'm frightend for you right now! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> You haven't had your EN's meet in the years that this has dragged on and I think that your Love Bank balance is near zero. I'm afraid that you may be very vulnerable to an A / Revenge A yourself. Please reconsider putting yourself on a dating site. I really don't think that this will help right now and it could seriously complicate matters later.



Back up into the saddle: Way to go! And that little Las Vegas excursion has some wonderful timing to help you along! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



Your Lawyer seems pretty on the ball. I suspect that Legally things should start going your way now. Lord knows that you are due for some GOOD legal news.



I do hope that you'll reconsider and pull yourself from the site. I do want you to know that you deserve so much more than what you're getting right now. You deserve to have someone who will cherish you and accept your love in return. But I really don't think that the timing is right now.

My family is keeping your family in our prayers!

Stay Strong!

BTW: We'll try to get ahold of you tonight. Probably a little before 10 your time.

Loni,

I agree with WTF in that you may not be ready for daing yet. I know how you feel...trust me. We are no where close to being ready for dating. I know your EN haven't been met in a very long time, but try to meet your needs doing other things as 2long suggested to me. Keep busy with things you like to do or try something new.

I'm thinking about going to Vegas myself. That will be a great trip for you.

Please stay strong.

Ok. I took my whack and listened to your wonderful advice. The truth is that I am not ready. I haven't even begun to heal yet and I just really needed to be cared for. My ENs are empty. I am trying to fill them myself but I don't have a whole lot of practice doing that. I am a much better wife and mother than I am at self-love.

My face and profile are no longer on the site. I did get some really sweet emails and I emailed them back with apologies and a short explanation about not being ready to be a good partner for anyone right now. In January, I just might be ready. Who knows. I am still praying for my husband to come out of the fog and turn away from the OW.

Speaking of which, My DS13 told me last night, that he told his dad that he would forgive him if his dad called the OW and broke it off with her. My WH has the map back to his son and his wife. It all relies on breaking up with the SOW. He knows that. The longer my son doesn't speak to him, the more he proves just how deep into the A he really is. Despite all of his denials.

I leave for Vegas in 2 hours. I am excited and kind of nervous. I need some time away.

My DD15 blames me for her brother not talking to WH. I figured this would happen but it still hurt. She didn't want to spend any time with me for Mother's day and I balled my eyes out to my sister about it. My "little man" DS13 made me feel better with a letter he wrote at school about why he loves me so much.

I am praying for transformation for my WH and the OW. God is in charge of this. My the transformation be as effective as it was for me. I know mine was extremely painful so I can't imagine what those two have in store for them. It's all up to God though so painful or not, I would be pleased if the results were pleasing to God. Can you guys pray for this as well?

The SOW tried to trick me this weekend. She was allowing her son to spend the night here with my son. But, I was to pick him up at her house. No way!!! I stated very clearly that this was not going to happen. I never spoke to her but this was all going through the boys. She even tried to make it sound that I was the one being mean by not coming to pick up her son. It backfired on her though when our mutual friend offered to pick him up and she refused that. That showed everyone that her only goal was to get me at her house. Lucky for me, that I am not that stupid. A really good thing about her son coming over here is that she is going to have a hard time explaining how she is so afraid of me but her son is safe in my home.

Like my friends are saying, I might be losing some minor battles but she is going to lose the war.

I think I might change her ID on here from SOW to ESOW. Evil, skanky, other woman.

Gotta run.
Loni

Hope you have a wonderful time in Las Vegas. I love going there.

Just thinking about you Loni.

Hope you're having a wonderful time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Check back with us when you can!

Stay Strong!

The Vegas convention is winding down!

I hope you had a great time! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Catch us up when you have some time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Stay Strong!

Hi everyone,

I'm back safe and sound. I had a really good time and got some pampering while I was gone. I treated myself to a manicure, pedicure and a massage. It was totally worth every penny. Speaking of pennies, I won $500 bucks between roulette and slots. Whoo hoo!! Then I spent it on shopping and the pampering. I drank a little, ate a lot, gambled some and tried to leave my troubles in MI.

A couple of things upset me while I was gone. First of all, seeing all these couples together and missing my H like crazy (H not WH). Then, I called my DD15 at her dad's because she lost her cell phone. My FIL saw my number on Caller ID and didn't even say "hello". He just answered the phone abuptly with "YES?" I cried for a little bit. I really loved my FIL and I am so hurt by his attitude toward me. Did he forget that I didn't do anything?

I have a problem that I need your help with solving. My WH let himself in my house twice while I was gone. He doesn't have a key, he just lets himself in when the kids are here and the door isn't locked. What do I do to stop this? I know that he is just nosing around for ammo to use on me. He has been told several times to not come in when I am not here. Now that I am in Plan B, he isn't to come in at all.

I talked with Jennifer Chalmers this week. She called me while I was in Vegas and she thinks I am doing everything right. She did mention that I should tell my WH, via letter, the things that he should do to get his family back. I don't know how to go about this, any suggestions?

I was, and am, very depressed this week. I am so unbelievably sad. I have been praying for some relief soon. I am also worried about Tuesday when I go to court about rescinding the PPO. Speaking of which, I just got a letter from the State Police about not getting a firearm. Please! I can't wait for the junk to be over.

I am still hanging in there.
Loni

Glad you had a good time, and won some money. I always lose, but have a great time doing it.

As far as him coming in the house, there is probably nothing you can do about it. I live in California, a community property state, and here, you can't change the locks.

Loni,

Glad to hear you had a great time in Vegas. Where did you stay? I'm planning on going in the fall and was thinking of staying at the Ballagio.

What you are going through is extremely difficult and it doesn't make it any better when you get attitude from your FIL. Don't feel to bad about this...I can already see my IL's appeasing my WW. It's family and they tend to overlook things that are painful them to admit.

Seeing other couples having fun together is painful right now for you. Once you begin to focus on other things, the pain begins to receede. It takes time Loni.

I know what you mean about wanting the "junk" to be over. I cringe when I get an email from my WW or my lawyer. Our defenses fully up right now and that is not a fun way to live.

Please stay strong.

HTW

Thanks everyone.

First, The Bellagio is beautiful. The musical fountain is amazing. If you get a chance, see the show at the Wynn called "Reve". It is like Circue de Soleil only with water and diving. It is beautiful and amazing. We really enjoyed it.

I found out that the OW is trying to get me arrested and that she is claiming that I committed fraud when I obtained the cell phone records. My WH is claiming the same thing and it seems that he doesn't care whether I lose my job over this or not. They both claim that I obtained info on them from work and used that to get the records. I talked to my superiors and to human resources about this situation. I think I will be ok but I still worry. I work for a large company and I am just another nurse. Thank heavens for the nursing shortage. It gives me a little more security. I also have an excellent work record.

My WH is telling my kids that I broke the law with the phone records. My DD15 is the only one who believes him even though she knows that I hired a PI to get info for me. I crossed the line a little bit this morning when her dad called and she was busy complaining to him about me. I told her to tell him "thanks, for not discussing the divorce". She told him this and then told me that he only did it once and then quit because she was starting to blame him, just like I wanted. I told her that all I want is the truth. This she also repeated for her dad. She left for school and an overnight sport tournament with barely a word to me.

I am obtaining letters from all that I can to stand up for my character and morals. I am going to bring them to court on Wednesday. I think that I will bring my two boys as well because they can verify that I have not done anything to the OW, that the OW and WH have been talking to each other during the time that she stated they weren't on the PPO. My youngest can also testify that he has called her house and cell to talk to her son because they are friends. I don't like the idea of bringing them into court. Maybe, they can wait in the hall so they don't have to hear too much but can testify for me if needed. I will check on that with my lawyer.

Gotta go and take care of my son. He is off to a friend's house.

Loni

Welcome Back Loni! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


Sounds like you had a great time! A well deserved break! I hope your feeling "recharged". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />



I understand what you mean about the trigger of seeing all those couples. After you have been married for so long you tend to stop thinking of "I" and start thinking "We". Kind of like two people becoming one flesh. It's hard to break out of that mindset after so long.

So sorry about the incident with the FIL. You already know this but I'll say it anyway <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. They are pulling back from you and "circling the wagons" around their son. They have chosen to support their son over you <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. They know what their son is doing is reprehensible but he is still their son / blood. In FIL & MIL's eyes you will not be family for much longer so they CHOSE to support their son (right or wrong: emphasis on the WRONG <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />).



I honestly don't think that there is much that we can do to stop this unless the kids always leave the doors locked and start activly supporting that boundry. I suppose that you could try to get a restraing order on WH but I really don't think that would help much at all. It would likely be seen as retaliation for the RO leaveled against you. On a good note you don't have anything to hide so WH is basically wasting his time and effort in a futule search. On a side note: All of the legal stunts that WH and OW have tried to pull are backfiring on them. These little "home invasions" are just a symptom of how desperate they are becoming to dig up dirt on you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />



I'm glad that Jennifer got ahold of you and is in agreement with the current plan of action.

I kinda thought that we went through that in the Plan B letter. If you want why don't you think about and jot down the changes that you would need to see in WH to become your H again?



<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I thought you were having a good time in Vegas <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I wouldn't sweet the PPO hearing. Once you side of the story is told I wouldn't be surprised if the whole PPO thing backfires big time on SOW / WH.

As for the letter from the Police. What kind of friends would we be letting you go out and getting a new firearm when you could just borrow one of ours? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> JUST KIDDING!

Just a little side note about the fire arms: In 1999 I owned a .22 rifle & .410 shotgun for small game hunting (squirrel & rabbit). I also owned a .30-06 rifle that my grandfather gave to me for Deer hunting.

In the 2000 I lost 13 relatives <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> (including my father and father in law). Most of these relatives willed firearms to me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />. By the end of 2000 I owned 20+ rifles, shotguns, & pistols of various caliburs / gauges. I had to buy a large gun safe to keep them in! And build A lockable gun case for the overflow <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />.

To add to this arsonal, I have a friend who is a gunsmith by trade. For Christmas this year he gave me a .357 magnum pistol. An interesting choice for a Christmas gift wouldn't you agree? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I custom built him an entertainment center for his TV and stero for Christmas.



We already know that SOW / WH are trying to set you up. They are desparetly attacking you from every direction they can think of to weaken your position and possible standing in court. I'm glad you made your supervisors and HR aware of this.



Unfortunatly, this is just more of the same <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />. WH is trying to put his "spin" on things. As far as I know it is NOT illegal to hire a PI to get this info for you. DD is simply "forgetting" this little fact. The kids do know what is going on. They know who's on the straight and narrow.

Just on little note: I know that it's tempting, but try to avoid passing messages back and forth through the kids. MAKE him go the the intermediary.


Let me know if you want Mrs. Field and I to write one. Maybe we could get the Judge to log onto MB? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Stay Strong.

Thanks WTF, Believer and HTW,

I have talked with my pastor and he is going to come to court with me. I also am getting letters from the mutual friend that the OW and I have as well as from neighbors and from my church family. If you feel comfortable writing a letter for me that would be greatly appreciated.

I am really scared. I know that God is on my side but I am afraid of how much He will allow to happen before He steps in. I just want to give up and run but I can't. I guess that it is that whole fight or flight syndrome.

I heard through the grapevine that my BIL is not happy with my WH at all because he has lied to all of them. He still refuses to get involved but he is really angry at his brother for all of this junk. I had asked him if he would write a letter of reference for me to show that I am of good character and he refused because his family would see it as betrayal toward my WH. I don't see it like that at all, of course, so I am pretty angry about the lack of justice. He knows me to be a good person yet he refuses to say so publicly. I would understand more if this was my WH going to court and not the OW. As it is, I see it as standing up for the OW and not for me. I am probably reading too much into it huh?

Any advice out there on the deal with court?

You asked what would I need from my WH to take him back. Ok, here it goes...
1. No Contact with the OW with a NC letter as shown by MB.
2. Transparancy about the affair, his thoughts, EVERYTHING.
3. Take the initiative and read the book. Then come to me with the plan in his head. No more "I don't know" statements on what he should do.
4. Counseling with my counselor and MB.
5. Commitment to follow the Marital Recovery Plan.

That is what I would need before allowing my WH (FWH) to come back to the home. I settled for less before and got burned badly. I want no more excuses, denials, lies and criticism from him. I know that he can do it if he wants to. He may not know it and, right now, he probably doesn't want to even try.

Plan B is supposed to protect me from more pain right? How am I going to protect that tiny ember of love for my H when he is going for my throat. I don't recognize any of my H left in this man. For you Star Wars fans, He has gone to the dark side of the force.

I did have a good time in Vegas, by the way. I just had a hard time leaving all of this behind. So many things remind me of how it was and then I remember how it is now. It's kind of like ripping a scab off and having to heal all over again.

<<<<hugs>>>> to all of you. I love all of you guys and count myself as a lucky one to have found this site and all of you.

Going to sleep now, Take care and God Bless,
Loni

Hi,

I am hanging in there still. I am having a really hard time of it though. I am preparing for court on Wednesday morning and I think I am going to be OK. I think that she is going to be even more ticked off after the hearing if she doesn't get her way. Who knows what she'll pull then.

I fell off the wagon this weekend. I just wanted to ask him how he could let her do this to me. Why? How can he let the mother of his children possibly lose her job and maybe, even, go to jail based on things that he knows aren't true. At first, he said that he knew I am a good person and that he doesn't want me to go to jail or lose my job. Then he got defensive and said that it has nothing to do with him. Then, he started telling me how low it was of me to hire a PI. He said that I went lower than he ever did. I don't think so. I didn't have an affair with one of his friends.

Back to plan B. Today, I went to see my DD15 play softball. She was bumped up to varsity so the OW wasn't there. My WH showed up but steered clear of me. I just actied like he was just another face in the crowd. It really hurt though. I can't seem to believe that I mean so little to him. What happened to the man that I loved?

The sadness was overwhelming. I don't want this to be happening but there isn't a blessed thing I can do about it. It's up to my WH and God at this point. I have no faith in the former and I don't know what the latter is planning.

Somebody please tell me that I am not going to hurt like this forever. I want to be OK regardless but I am afraid that it will always be painful for me to see him with someone else. I want my family back as a whole.

At the same time that I am feeling so sad about losing my H, I also felt so much anger with him for what he is doing and the lousy excuse of a man he has become. What kind of loser lets his wife go through this and jeapordizes the future of his kids to be with another woman?

Just call me "flip-flop". I am praying so much and I hope that God helps me through the next few months.

Gotta go and be "mom",
Loni

((((Loni))))

You are NOT going to hurt like this forever. Whatever happens you will get stronger and stronger and you will be okay. I'm sorry that it's so hard to avoid WH and OW. I know how it is, living in a small town myself. I see OW at orchestra concerts, church functions, the library, the park -- you name it. And if I see her, WH sees her too, I'm sure.

But back to the subject-- God does have a plan for you and He loves you. Don't give up on Him, keep believing that He has your best interest in mind. He WILL help you through this and you WILL be better for it. I promise!

Hang in there Loni, you're doing great!

Dulce

Loni, how did court go? Is everything okay? Please update us -- you're in my thoughts tonight.

Dulce

Hi everyone,

First of all, court went OK. The OW's best friend came with me to be a witness for my defense. The OW dropped the show of cause charge that would have got me arrested or fined if I had been found guilty. The bad part was that the OW got to keep the RO in place purely because I told her that I would kick her butt when she called me and threatened my job. I cried because I know that she isn't going to leave me alone but my lawyer told me that he is aware of what she is and that he is ready to defend me whenever needed.

Icing on the cake was the smirk she gave me as I was leaving the courthouse. UGH!

My WH actually ended up yelling at me and telling me that I deserved the PPO because of the cell phone records. He is really ticked off because of that.

I was so down after all of that and I was feeling hopeless and scared.

Then... I was on the computer and started talking with someone. He is so nice and he thinks that I am intelligent and funny and special. I know... ((ducking 2x4s). You can't know how good it feels to be appreciated. He likes my picture and I like his. He lives far away (about 8 hours) so I feel safe from a serious relationship. It feels really good. My love bank was EMPTY. I haven't been told that I am pretty or special in a very long time. I need to hear that. I need to feel that someone thinks I am precious and that is what he tells me.

All my H has done is hurt me. He treats my dad better than me. He accuses me of all of these horrible things that he is actually doing. I still believe in the MB program but I want to move on. I don't expect this man to be my all in all. I just think he is someone to help me get through the worst time of my life. Kind of like an aspirin to soothe the pain in my heart.

Ok, feel free to start swinging. I love all of you guys and I really respect your opinions.

Loni