Hi Loni,

First of all, glad court went okay. Could've been better, but could've been worse, huh? Someday OW will be exposed for the manipulative liar she is.

Okay, now for the 2x4 -- Loni, PLEASE don't do this now. Even if things don't work out with WH -- and I know and understand you don't even WANT them to right now, this is not a good time for you to start a new relationship. Even if it is only long distance, or only online even. I know from watching my XMIL the past year. About 6 months after FIL left his wife and family for another woman MIL started an online relationship. She was so vulnerable she got very, very hurt in the end. She's still not ready for a relationship, in my opinion. It's just too soon for her. And I'd say double ditto for you. It's just too soon. Please just take care of yourself and your kids and concentrate on healing. You don't need a man to help you heal -- only God. He will help and guide you. Then when you are stronger (assuming WH remains a WH and things don't work out with you two), and the d is final, you will be more ready for a relationship. I'm just concerned about your well-being -- emotionally.

Okay, off of my soapbox. But I strongly encourage you to reconsider this or any relationship at this point. Make yourself and your kids your priority right now. BTW, have you talked to your pastor about this at all? Dating I mean? You might want to see what he advises.

Well, Loni, it was good to hear that you are okay. Take care and continue to update us.

Dulce

Hey Loni,

I'm hopeing that no news from you is good news. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I hope you are seeing some peace now from Plan B. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

How are you doing?

Let us know when you can!

Loni, are you out there? Hello....

I hope everything is all right. I'm still thinking of you and praying for you.

Please update when you can.

Dulce

^ bumping up for Loni.

Let us know how you are doing when you get a chance. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

PAGING LONI!

Will LONI please come to the white curtosy phone? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

How are you doing?

Hi Everyone,

I'm sorry for the lapse in contact. I have been very busy learning how to be ME. LOL. I am doing very well. I have begun dating and am enjoying spending time with a really nice farmer here in my town.

The kids are doing pretty well. They are all happy with the idea of me dating and actually decided to meet the gentleman that I am seeing. I feel like I am reaping some of the rewards of doing things the right way. Their dad is also getting some of what he has sown. The kids are giving him a horrible time about his continued lies and deceptions. He still refuses to admit that he is seeing the OW despite being caught with her many times. Therefore, his kids are not respecting him very much these days.

As for his feelings about me dating, he seems to be not too happy about it. Isn't kind of funny how life works. I spent 2 1/2 years trying to save our relationship and he didn't have any interest at all in it. When I let go of the relationship and decided that there was too much hurt and damage to repair, then he shows an interest.

I didn't give up on my marriage easily. Just the opposite. But, I can sleep easy knowing that I did everything I could possibly do to save this family from a divorce. Even after he filed, I still followed the plan. But I couldn't continue after the PPO and all of the drama that came along with that. The night after I went to court to defend myself on the PPO, my STBXH, treated me with so much anger, hatred and disrespect that I felt the last little bit of love I had for him be torn from me. I cried like I hadn't cried in months. I was at the lowest point that I have ever been and I decided right then to turn my life around and find the joy that God was saving for me.

I believe in the site and all of you. I'm sorry that it couldn't work for my marriage and I am still grieving over the end of something that I valued so much. I promise to stay here and help as much as I can with the newly betrayed and the occasional WS that needs guidance. I am still the lighthouse. I am just shining the light of God's love and truth for others now. E.G. my children, friends, coworkers and hopefully anyone who needs it. I am not a perfect person but I am so happy with who I am and who I have become. I meant it when I said that I would be a better person after going through this.

Thank you to all of you who helped me through this horrible experience and offered your prayers and guidance to me. I will stay in touch.

(((((hugs)))))
Loni

It doesn't fit with my Christian beliefs to date while you are married.

You aren't divorced are you ?

Don't you think of this as infidelity, Loni?

In my view, God does not look favorably on this.

I don't say this to hurt you but what you are saying puzzles me.

Your behavior is not consistent with your beliefs.

A few months or even weeks ago you indicated that you "love" your H and now you are dating...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Loni,

I'm so glad you are okay. I was actually getting a little bit worried about you. Thanks for checking in, and please take care and think things through carefully. Good luck to you!

Dulce

Loni,

You've got mail! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hey WTF,

I missed the mail. Can you send it again?

Update. Boyfriend and I broke up 3 weeks ago. Divorce is almost final. STBXH is denying relationship with SOW. SOW is telling everyone, including the kids, that the wedding is planned.

I am filled with so much hatred for both of them. I know that is pretty normal considering everything they have, and are, putting me through. He seems to hate me more now that he is getting what he wants. I can't deal with the complete lack of respect for me and how he is rewriting marital history to paint me as the bad guy and himself as the poor mistreated husband who had no choice but to cheat. Then, he even tried to say that he never had an affair. That is until my kids called him on it and reminded him that he admitted it to them.

What are the chances of hating them forever? I think that it is a real possibility.

Loni

Hi Loni, good to hear from you again. It's been a really long time and I was wondering how you were doing.

As for the R you had with BF, it really didn't have much hope since it started while you were still M to your WH. I know how you feel about wanting your EN's met...TRUST ME, but the wounds from your M are still fresh and until you can deal with the anger and resentment any R with another man will be sabotaged by those feelings.

Loni, I also know about the anger, hate and resentment you are feeling. Those feelings will consume you if you let them and they aren’t productive to your recovery. It is perfectly normal to feel that way and I think the only way to get over them is with time and doing things that make you happy and productive. Your WH can try to justify and rewrite history all he wants, but he will NEVER change the TRUTH. That is a heavy cross to carry.

Are you in a Plan B? If not, you may find that going into no contact with your WH will help remove you from the fray.

I still feel anger and resentment towards my WW for what she has done to me, but I find living well is the best medicine for that. Do it for YOU and not for revenge.

HTW

HTW,

You have gone through so much junk with the affair just like I did. I am sorry about the seperation and Plan B. Although, plan B does bring you so much peace from all of the chaos that these fools we are married to live in.

I am working through the anger. I understand that it is a vital part of grieving and that is what I am doing. I am focusing on my kids, buying a new house for our little family, and taking care of me.

I realize the relationship wasn't the best idea but it did give me some sense of being attractive to other men. My stbxh left me with such feelings of isolation and worthlessness that I needed my ego stroked more than you know. I know what all the books say about not needing someone else to validate you, I needed someone else to validate me if only for a little while. It reminded me of what I already knew about myself. That I am a good person, mother, wife and friend. It also reminded me that I could attract a man with my personality and looks. YEA!!!

My marriage ended with me feeling fat, stupid and ugly. I am not any of those things. Now I can move on with my recovery knowing that my romantic life is not over just on hiatus.

Plan B my STBXH? sounds good. I think I shall start that right away. Whew. It will be such a relief.

Loni

He is still a WS who will never ever be satisfied. Not even having the D and marrying a witchy OW.

So you need to move forward to implement the care you learned t/d in plan A.

Let him know before you go to plan B (if you even need to go there, since the D is in process), let him know that for all the misery he has created, he or the OW had better be happy 'cuz your family is NOT.

I demanded the WS show me he was happy. But due to the laws of the mothership.... a WS can not be happy when a BS demands it. LOL!!! I basically added to his misery with my reverse babble and his face actually would look pretty weird when I demanded he smila and laugh when having to interact with us. LOL!!! The internal struggle that caused on his side damaged the WS in him.

That's a good thing.

L.

Actually I think most BS's can empathize with you here as the betrayal from our WS's leave us emotionally raped. So I DO know how you feel and was very close to entering into an EA because of those feelings. I still have urges to be cared for and wanted by someone I like, but I know I have to recover from this first. It really sucks...doesn't it?

HTW

Loni, it's so good to hear from you again -- I think of you often. I'm glad you feel better about yourself even though that R didn't work out. I'm also glad the D is almost final so that the next R can start with a clean slate, so to speak. I, too, know exactly what you mean about needing your ENs met and your ego stroked. Someone said it here and a friend of mine said it too, that during this time we just have to rely on a higher power to help us feel good about ourselves, and really that's good advice for life in general. Are you still attending church? Are you counseling with your pastor or with a counselor? While the anger is soooooo understandable, I hope you can work through it quickly. I know it's trite to say this, but you're only hurting yourself with your hate, not them. So, I hope you can find a way to distance yourself emotionally from them and take care of you and your relationship with God. He can give you peace.

Once again, glad you're doing well -- you're an amazing woman.

Take care,

Dulce

Loni,

Great to here from you again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I resent the email. It contains a link to a web page that I have just started posting some of my farm pics too.


Sorry if you're feeling down about these. Give Ms. Field and I a call if you would like to talk!



OMG! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> The SOW is blatently planning a not so secret wedding and poor STBXH is clueless! If you were speaking to STBXH you could warn him! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Alas, he's on his own on this one. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I'm sorry but the depths (highth?) of his fanatical denial of the situation would be comical if it weren't for the fact that he is destroying an 18 year marriage to achive it.



You'll work through it. It just takes time. Just be careful not to let it consume you. It takes a lot of energy to keep / hold of a grudge. That energy is better spent on making you the best that you can be and on your family. The STBXH and SOW are undeserving of it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />



STBXH has been doing some pretty rotten things lately and to justify this to HIMSELF he has to make you into the "Bad Girl". Typical WS mindset / thinking.

Don't waste your time & energy thinking about this. You know the truth about this, your kids know the truth about this, even STBXH knows the truth about this (even if he won't admit it to himself).



I don't. I don't think you will want to waste your energy on them for very long. Your family and YOU are much more deserving of it.

I doubt you'll ever like either of them again. Hating them would be a waste of time and energy better spent on other pursuits.



Excellent! Are you getting another home in the same town or are you moving out of town?

Hi everyone.

I am currently working with the bank to keep my house. I still have to pay off my stbxh but I really think I can do it. Throw a few prayers up ok?

I don't want to hate them because I know that it hurts me more than them. I also don't want them to have that much of my time or energy. I am going to take some great advice from the "divorce recovery workbook" and redirect that anger into something positive. I want to lose some of the weight I gained during all of this so I will be walking/running and I am also going to tackle a landscaping project that I have been avoiding while the house was up for sale. The change in my appearance and in the yard will be positive and I will be working off all of that negative emotion.

I wish I could leave town and let them all just stew here but my kids would suffer even more or they would choose to stay with their dad and that is something I couldn't take right now. I will be fine. What doesn't kill me right?

I am keeping dating to a minimum. Just short little lunches or dinners. Mostly, I am just making friends online and on the phone. I am going back to church. I miss it and I need to be close to other believers. I might even see about getting a class together for divorced/widowed singles. I hope I can.

I am praying a lot for God to work in my life. I am also praying for my children to heal as whole people.

Take care y'all
Loni

Update,

The divorce is final. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry so I did both. I have to say that I fell a huge relief now. I hope the drama is mostly over.

All I can say is "Whew".
Loni

(((((Loni)))))

Was if final today or as of a few days ago?

Mrs. Field and I were thinking about giving you a call a few days ago! Got distracted and then it got to late to call. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

How are the kids holding up?

The divorce was final on September 1st. I didn't find out until the following week. I guess that is pretty normal to not know immediately.

The kids are holding up pretty well. DD16 is having a hard time because of her decision to not accept her dad's relationship with the OW. Just this weekend, he called her and yelled at her about being "hateful, and decietful" like her mom. The denial just continues with that one. He just doesn't seem to get it that he is the one that destroyed the marriage and the family. My DD is refusing to speak to him or see him and he is beginning to get very angry about it. Just blows him away that the world isn't marching to his drumbeat.

I am doing pretty well also. Still dealing with some anger and sadness but I am moving on and building my life back up to something that is close to normal. Take care,

Loni