I thought we had a good marriage. Hubby kisses wife goodbye in the morning, goes off to work and does his thing, wifey carts kids around and does her thing, we check in with each other once or twice a day, come home, dinner, bed and bath for the kids, watch TV, read, wifey turns in at 9 p.m., sex on Saturday mornings. He even acknowledged at one point that our marriage wasn't perfect, but it wasn't toxic or troubled.

Haven't I just described most marriages on the planet? I was asking my girlfriends if they sent their husbands text messages all day and naked pics of themselves to him at work and such and they said, "uh, no." I asked them if they spent seven hours a night talking to their Hs, even when they were dating, and they said, "Dear God, no." I asked my dad if the men at his office obsessively check their Blackberries during meetings the way WH does and he said, "uh, no."

I just feel like I lost at a game that I didn't even know how to play. When we first dated we, uh, went to movies and dinner. Met each other's friends. Hung out together. We talked on the phone to arrange stuff, not to spend hours and hours on phone sex. In fact, we could go a day or two without talking to each other. But he "fell in love" with this old girlfriend long-distance through all this other tech stuff that I had no idea even existed. He speaks to her 8 hours a day. And now our marriage is ending.

I feel like such a fool. I am beating myself up for not nurturing our relationship in the way the OW did, but it never dawned on me to do this. Is this really an addiction or is it the way that relationships start nowdays? If so, I don't know if I have it in me to do it. I don't want to spend 7 hours a night on the phone with anyone, even a boyfriend.

I don't know. I'm just lonely and sad tonight.

There's nothing you could've done, please don't beat yourself up. It's not about you, it's all about him.

You already see the signs that this is not normal, you described them yourself. Talking 7 hours a day, emailing and texting each other at all hours. This is an affair, which is much like an addiction. What they have is not real love, it's fantasy, and sooner or later that will become apparent.

Any long term relationship becomes what you had with him once. Perfect marriage? Doesn't exist. There is always bills and disagreements and real life crap to deal with. If their relationship reaches the point of them living together, they'll soon realize this.

When you are in an affair its easy to only see the side of the other person they want you to see. There is roses and love poems, secret emails and late night reunions. Once they are together, it becomes dirty laundry, hiding from old friends, unwelcome belly button lint and tv dinners. Reality will crash in on them.

Rest easy, you did nothing wrong.

Oh, they're going to live together all right. He's job hunting in her town, they've set a wedding date, the whole shebang.

And he's going to be a stepfather to her kids while mine cry for their daddy, his parents loathe her, his friends dislike her, etc., etc. Part of me thinks I should have faith and be patient and wait for this to end, that impatience is one of my biggest flaws and that this is a lesson from God for curing that. The other part of me thinks "Hey, I'm only 36, I'm attractive, if he's going to be an idiot then there are plenty of fish in the sea who might cherish me. I'm not gonna wait around for something that might not happen. Tomorrow is Friday night and I want a date." I am RIPE for a bad rebound relationship right now, LOL.

I know you are joking, but please be careful. It may seem like a good way to just temporarily get even or remove your pain, but you'll regret dating at this point.

You've been strong, while he was committing adultery, you stuck by your vows. You are in the right, he is wrong. Don't lose this, its very valuable for both yourself, your soul and your children.

Their relationship is already doomed before it has truly started. When he realizes the severity of his mistake and blindness, he will be tormented. You may or may not be there for him when this happens.

I know. I will not date unless and until the D is final. I have to have that integrity. I was looking through the archives and I saw a bunch of posts from a woman who stood and prayed for her marriage for several *years* after her divorce. She posted that she had met a nice man and was tempted to go out on a date, but that she would not. And she was divorced! Turns out that during the month she was posting that, her H and the OW were ending (I think the OW actually *died*) and they reconciled.

I admire that strength and faith. And if a test of faith isn't tempting, then it's a not really a test, I suppose. But it *is* tempting, if only to see a movie and feel attractive and talk to someone over the age of 5. But here is where values will out, I guess.

Hoopsie I too have followed your posts as my situation is somewhat similar to yours, except for them knowing each other previously. The OW in my case has the same surname as us and thinks moving countries taking my place is going to be 'fun'. I am sure you know, as I am now believing, this is NOT going to last. Your marriage was similar to ours, but WH never complained that so much was missing that going outside our marriage was an option. I believe Frank Pittman when he says that romantic affairs will end very quickly when real life cannot fulfil their expectations. The climb to the top of the mountain is exciting but when they reach the summit there is really nothing spectacular that recognises the efforts to get there. I will continue to follow your posts, as real life for me is not until April when they start living together. I know exactly how you feel, just when you start feeling some control, you ask yourself "is this really happening to me?". I do know that we won't come out the losers, and that if we reconcile we will be stronger than ever, as I am a far stronger person now and will not accept anything but total respect. You won't either. I keep reminding myself I have done the hard yards the last few months, but the real hardship is now theres. Keep your chin up, and don't buy into their fantasy.

When STBX first left me, I kept on thinking about this. It occurred to me that when STBX was trying to decide whether to leave me or not, the OW had a huge advantage over me - she knew about the affair and I didn't. I only found out when he told me he was leaving! So, OW could use everything in her armoury - hot affair sex, 'soulmate' conversation, etc to persuade him to leave. All he got from me was a grumpy old moo who knew that something had changed in her relationship with her husband, but didn't know what. He withdrew and became cold, whilst I battled with Crohns and his indifference - I became a much less attractive prospect than the OW! When he left, all I could think of was the injustice of it all - how could I play the game when I didn't know the rules or even that a game was being played???

I admit that, even when STBX and I first got together, we didn't talk for eight hours a day. In reality, how long do you think that can continue? Seems like a logistical impossibility, not to mention the fact that eventually, they will run out of things to say when the honeymoon stage of the A wears out. And it will. Then, they will either jell together and form a quieter, less energy-intensive long-term relationship, or they will split. As the OW has already dumped your WH once, the long-term relationship doesn't seem the more likely outcome.

I know it's hard, but try to stop thinking 'what if?' and start thinking 'so what?'. If WH and OW TM each other for eight hours a day for the rest of their lives - so what? They'll have huge cell phone bills and people will think they're just a little bit unhealthy and obsessed. If WH doesn't come back - so what? You and your family suffer and will continue to suffer for a while - I truly understand - but it will not go on forever. You will find that life goes on, even better than before, whether you decide to let another man in your life or not. WH and OW will be irrelevent to you.

My STBX has been gone nearly a year now. I thought I would die when he first left, almost did in fact! Now I am at the 'so what' stage. I feel very sad for my children, that they will never have the relationship with their father that they deserve, but for myself, I feel light and free. I wonder much of the time what I ever saw in STBX.

Keep your chin up - none of this is your fault. But I think you know that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Omigosh, Sundog is right. When I read your original post, I thought, "That doesn't sound like love! Sounds like an obsession or an addiction to me!"

Thoroughly yucksome.