Tigger, I saw that you and your H were both once WS and that you were high school sweethearts, and thought you may have some input into my situation. H and I were highschool sweethearts for 5 years before I broke it off. During that time H cheated on me twice (one night thing), and I him twice. I feel like mine were more for revenge than anything else. Young and dumb. We remained apart for 7 years, but always stayed in contact, sometimes we tryed to date again, but one of us (usually me) was never ready to commit. Obviously we have a long history together with lots of joys and hurts. We have been together for the second time for 11 years and things are better than they've ever been. We've grown up a lot since the discovery of his affair and communicate SO much better and are SO much more loving and considerate.

My question is, with such a long history and with the many infidelities between us (only 1 on his part since we M, I'm pretty sure :-)), how do you just let it all go and put trust in your partner again. I know everyone on here struggles with this, but thought maybe you would have some more direct insight into my situation.

Things kind of came up the other night and it's clear that we both hurt eachother a lot in the past. I think he's let it go, but with his affair, I just wonder sometimes... I mean it's not in our history to just "stick it out" through the hard times. If I want to spend the rest of my life with this man, will I ever feel safe? Or is it just constant nurturing of the relationship that keeps it together. You can PM me if you don't want to divulge anything personal. I'd appreciate hearing how you two have come through all of this.

I just wanted to let you know that I read your post, but will not reply till tomorrow some time. I've been a little bit under the weather today, and so need to head to get some much needed sleep. I just wanted to let you know that I am not ignoring your questions/post.

Before I address your quesitons, I want to apologize for not getting back to you before now. It's been a crazy week(end) with Abbi's birthday, our anniversary, which we had to spend apart from eachother, getting sick, and now getting ready for spring break and going down to visit parents in our home town. Now I've got a bit of time and will try my best to help you out with your concerns and such.


Let me know if my addition is wrong, but you have been "together" for 22 years off and on? That, in and of itself is pretty great. You've been M'd for 11, correct? So, during the time you've been M'd, the only A was your H, but during your dating years, you both cheated twice? I just want to be certain I have the facts straight.

As for Sailorman and myself, we celebrated, although apart from each other due to military(he's in a school right now), our 17th wedding anniversary yesterday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> It's not an easy thing, gaining back the trust. I have to admit that there are times when I do worry with him being so far away from us, and those are the times that he would "stray", well some of them. You kind of have to just make the decision that you want to begin trusting your H again. Let me share a couple examples with you from our own experiences. When we transferred to where we are now, he had to go to FL for recruiter school. When he drove back, he "travelled" with a female classmate, each in their own vehicles. When he first told me this, the day before they were leaving to drive the 2-3 day drive back, I was not too happy. Then, I thought to myself, "Why would he tell me he would be traveling with this woman if something was going on? Maybe he is telling me this, even though he knows it might cause suspision{sp is awful} so I CAN trust him!" I chose to trust him, and that was the beginning of my trust being back pretty much full force. Now, in the school that he is in, they are working in crews of 3. His crew just got switched around a bit, and their new member is a female. When he told me this, I was perfectly fine with it. I had 3 years of trust building, even though there are still moments, you have to allow the trust back in.

Maybe what you and your H can do is discuss the little things that might cause you to NOT trust your H and how to get past that. First, you need to look into your own heart and see if you even WANT to trust him again, if you kwim. Personally, if you want to stay M'd to this man, then you HAVE to learn to trust him again. If you don't you are sabatoging your M from the start. Your H needs to understand that you need him to be open with you about what he's doing and why. Not that you need a play by play of each second of the day, but you need to know his motives for going out with the guys, or why he's 45 min late getting home. Stuff like that. When we were VERY early in our recovery, we got me a cell phone, and if H couldn't reach me at home, he would call me on the cell. He usually got me at home, because I would tell him if I was going out or whatever, and why. I WANTED to rebuild that trust, as did he. I knew that I could pretty much call him at work if I needed, but because of being military, I didn't abuse that privilage. Even now, we pretty much know that if we need to, we can call each other. Now that we are almost 6 yrs in recovery, my concerns when I can't get ahold of him on his cell, my worries aren't A related, they are for his safety. It takes time, work, perseverence, work, patience, work. Do you see the main thing there;) work. Unfortunately, it doesn't happen over night. If you and your H are both willing to put in the work, it's well worth it. You need to have the open communication, and in the beginning it seems like a pain to give all the information of what you are doing and such, but it becomes second nature after a while and you will both just offer up what you are doing when you aren't together.

If that wasn't enough let me know. I'm pretty open about most things, and don't have a problem sharing our success with others. If you have more questions, just let me know. I will be "gone" for the next 3-4 days, but will check back in when I can.

Thanks Tigger. That was helpful. As you know being together for 22 years can be a double edged sword. On one hand we have a lot of memories together, on the other, we have a lot of baggage together. :-)

I do want to stay with this man, it's just hard to make myself believe that when the going gets tough again, he will not turn to someone else. I know we've grown up a lot together and that things are different now, and I guess I just have to try to stay in the here and now and remember that.

Take Care! Cold