After 20 years and 7 kids, my husband after being in years of counseling. Tells me after being conforted with truth. Says Affairs, pron, inappropiate behavior with women and drinking is what he has done in our relationship. Now he has seen the light and told me the truth so he thinks God has changed him, and we are suppose to move on with counseling help. Can someone with a 20 year plus addiction turn things around. How do I believe him? He is just using my faith as a weapon. [color:"pink"] [/color]

If he has come clean and it is his faith too, I would give him a chance to prove it.

Is he willing to live his life like an open book?

Will he get upset if you keep tabs on him?

Will he become anger if you question him?

If he is sincere (speaking from my own experience), he will go to any length to ensure you are comfortable knowing

"you have nothing to worry about any longer".

Also make sure you keep him honest. Don't let your guard down.

If your husband is a sex addict and has revealed the entire truth. that is one hugh step. I hope he did it out of a sense of wanting to change and not a sense of being caught or pinned to the wall.

I had a sex addiction from childhood through adulthood, but I didn't know what it was. I was married for 25 years before it hit me and I saw the problem. I have now been in recovery for 3 faithful years. I have been told there is a 90% or better change of recovery if the sex addict is willing to be open and work on issues in counseling and eaccountable. I do all that. I attend an accountability group each week at our church, which really helps. If your husband follows through in a similar way you can build a better marriage than you have had in the past.

Going through something similar with my H. He was caught for the second time involved with OW on the internet. (Nothing physical I don't think) but it still hurts.

My husband and I are both Christians, and so I can relate to what you said about 'using your faith against you'... I feel sometimes like I'm in a position where I 'have' to forgive and forget as quickly as possible. And he says God can help him without counselling. And he says that it's his sin, and we all sin, so it can't be helped.

On the other hand, I believe in the power of the Lord. And I know my husband is sincere. Trusting him is best way to support him and give him strength with God. Do you and your husband pray together? That has been really important for us, and if you are having a hard time believing whether or not he can truly change, praying together will show you where he is with God.

Your husband will just have to show you over time that he can be trustworthy.

My heart goes out to you.

-friendless

Hi, What I'm going to say here goes against the grain of what most others have said. But I have been through the ringer on this topic, and have worked with so very many amazing professionals, and you know what, I have to disagree.

No, it is very hard for these people to make real, life long change if this is a problem they have had since their youth.

Sorry, you don't have to agree with me, but I couldn't not say it. My children and I live with the consequences of my xH sexual addictions each and every day. And you know what, they may try to change, you may think they change, but I'm sorry most of them don't.

Hi Sophie,

Just out of curiousity are you going strictly off your XH's results. Or are there other facts to back up that claim?

I have no idea, I just know what I read on sites such as this one, I have read the success stories.

My H, too, has a sex addiction and has relapsed several times. Here is some of my advice, mostly learned from mistakes:
1. Although it may be difficult, find a group that he can share his problem with. Encourage him to be truthful, although he doesn't have to tell details (for example, he needs to describe his A as an affair, not an inappropriate friendship). He doesn't have to call himself a sex addict (people often have difficulty with that label), but he needs the practice of honesty and the accountability of others.
2. Make sure that you aren't his keeper. That is not a good role for you. A good friend, hopefully with some technology know-how, should volunteer. Put controls on the computer.
3. He needs to be in some sort of recovery group with a sponsor. My H was so ashamed of his addiction that he went to a recovery group out of town. Of course, he didn't stay with it b/c it was too difficult. Relapses often occur after the addict stops attending the recovery group.
4. I am sure that your marriage needs some help after discovering such devastating information, but he needs to get help first before you can work much on your marriage.
5. Even though it seems more personal, remember that this addiction is similar to alcohol or drug addiction. The same chemical reaction occurs in the brain when someone goes on the computer to look at porn as when someone takes cocaine. That is powerful. If you are interested, here is an article that talks about what happens in the brain of a sex addict. sex addict
6. God is bigger than any sin or addiction that your H has and He can restore you both.

I think my husband's problems probably fall under the sex addict category. We haven't started counseling yet but we both feel that the sex addict label is a possibility. We are both believers and it is our sincere hope that with our faith and counseling this can be overcome and not repeated.

BJBU...why do you think the relapses occurred?

My H is in an addiction recovery center as I write for sexual addiction. I also recently discovered a year long affair with a co-worker. The addiction itself was not a huge shock to me. I had been noticing some behaviors over the years, yet the affair was a true shock. We truly want to rebuild the marriage. He has vowed to make it work. I, on the other hand, do want it to work but am so afraid of not being able to give my heart again. I have always stuggled with this, being broken before. I realize this may be too personal BUT Once he is home and we are working on the marriage. building the trust, fulfilling needs, building the friendship again, when does the intimacy start to happen. He has already told me that I am a huge "trigger". How does that come into play. I don't want our intimacy to be part of a "fix" for him. If anyone has any advice on this, I surely need it.

I'm new to this...you can read my story under General Questions 2...under something like revealed 2 weeks ago...but anyways for me the SF came pretty quickly. I was afraid this was strange but I've come across it a lot here but I think it just varies. I understand what you mean about it being a "fix" and maybe as part of his treatment that will be addressed. I'm sure there is a lot about this on theses boards...it just takes a while to go through all the info. The main thing is that there is hope and there are a lot of success stories. For me the SF part was so easy because I was able to be intimate with him like I had not been in so long because the wall between us had been broken.

I wish the best for you and your husband. I have read on this site that the success rate for SA is like 90 percent. That is very encouraging!