[color:"green"]My BF has a much greater need than I do to socialize. I'm fine with getting together with other folks once a month or so - he'd rather see people every weekend.

Last weekend was packed - get together at his house on Friday with a bunch of folks, activities for my children taking up most of Saturday, and Sleep over child with us Saturday and Sunday, plus BF, church, and dog...

I feel like I didn't get any rest. Daughter's work forces me to have to get up early on weekends too and BFs party meant I got to bed in the wee hours.

Now this weekend is a friend's b-day party at a pub followed by dropping in at another friends after a green beer, another late night and up in the early a.m. for daughter.

He's complaining that I don't sleep over his place any more and that he is leaving town on Sunday for a week.

He understands that I have obligations to my kids. I suggested that we could skip the social and spend time together (alone) tonight instead. He doesn't want to do that. He could even sleep at my house which would fill his need to sleep in the same bed together which rarely happens.

Now that I think of it - the weekend before last I went out with him to celebrate a wedding and slept over.

I'm pooped out on the social scene. I think I'm going to pass on tonight's event and tell him to go alone.

Any ideas for other solutions? His activities are always a 30 minute drive away. Longer if I drive 30 minutes to his town and then 25 minutes to an event across town.

V,[/color]

I'm that social person and my friends can't conceive of planning more than one event into a day. While I see and opportunity to do many things.
I don't have a solution, but I think it goes to the different natures of people and are you comfortable with someone who is more social?
Core values. Kids just add another layer.

I agree, this is often the source of many problems. My ex and I were on the opposite ends of the spectrum in this regard - I was content to spend the weekend as a couple, while she had the "where is the party?" mindset. I think extroverts and introverts are like oil and water.

Like newly says, you having kids and him being a carefree single guy just makes it that much tougher. You have your hands full with your daily life, and would prefer to relax with him at the end of the week. He doesn't "get it", and doesn't see why you would be all worn out from taking care of kids all week long, driving all over town, etc. I suspect that no matter how much you try to explain it to him, he won't get it.

But regardless, if he is as extroverted and you as introverted as you make it sound, this will likely be a source of constant disagreement. BTDT. I don't really know how you POJA this, assuming you really want both of you to be enthusiastic about it. I suppose you can try to establish some guidelines you both will be happy with (e.g. "go out only once a weekend"), but I think it'll be hard to find a satisfactory middle ground where one of you does not feel dragged all over town or held captive. And I don't think that him going out alone will be a wise option, it does nothing to further your relationship and to fill each other's Love Banks; just the opposite.

AGG

[color:"green"]AGG,

I'm actually higher scoring in the extrovert range, although I have a very healthy dose of the introvert. I enjoy myself when I am out. I am just tired.

Tired tired tired. I just want to sleep for hours with the kids not home.

I don't think it is a bad thing for him to go out with his friends alone. I would rather he did that than be resless or resentful all night if he had rather gone out for St. Patties day.

See days mean things to him. This is St. Patties day, so of course you have to go have a green beer...

Me, I don't care what day it is if I'm tired. Unless I have an obligation like it was Christmas or something...

He just emailed me and offered to cancel his plans and stay with me, but then asked "don't I want to celebrate St. Pattie's day?

I think in order to be "self caring" I need to just get the rest I need. I was all over last weekend and I was still tired from the previous week.

I need about 12 hours of undisturbed sleep.

V.[/color]

[color:"green"]I usually enjoy myself when we are out - I just don't have the same compulsion he does to always be doing something. When I am tired I just want to lay down and sleep. Having the kids 24/7 is draining and my batteries need recharging.

V. [/color]

Sunny, you lost me here. You said in your original post:


Now you are saying:


So is he more social than you or not?

Or, are you saying that you are both extroverts, but that you are presently tired a lot and because of that you do not want to socialize as much? If so, perhaps therein lies the solution - if you can find a way to get yourself some uninterrupted sleep, then you'll be happy to go to the activities with him?


Well, it gets back to Harley's Love Bank concept. If he goes on his own, then neither of you is depositing units in each other's Love Banks; worse, other people will be potentially making deposits into his when he is out.


Well, that's not POJA, because he is offering something to you that he is not enthusiastic about.


And do you think that then you will be willing to go to the activities? If so, it seems to me that you have a plan! But, if the real issue is what you said originally (that he has a much higher need to socialize than you do), then this still needs to be dealt with.

AGG

[color:"green"]We are both extroverts. He will continue to drive himself even if he is tired - I will not. So while I'm social he is like the social nazi. He will go to 5 or 6 events on a weekend if offered - even if it was something he didn't care to go to.

He emailed me and said that he was going to skip the bar and go to his friend's house instead. He doesn't want to go to the party alone.

I'm wondering if he would drag me around until I dropped. Which is what he does to himself I think?

But yeah, if I get some good uninterrupted rest I'm quite willing to go wherever he wants to go - I'm very accommodating.[/color]



[color:"green"]Or worse he will be withdrawing units if he or his dog have a restless night tonight and keep me up... [/color]



[color:"green"]I think eventually it is going to have to be dealt with. Come to think of it - last summer I made a "request" that there not be any more than two social events a weekend and he didn't follow it... I think he didn't count it as a social event unless there was a people count barrier. Like having another couple over to visit didn't count - or his folks - only if it were more than six people or something... I'm getting better at just not going over for every event - like today. If I'm not up to it I just say nah.

I don't know what would happen though if we were married. I guess I could leave the house and go shopping or ignore people or read in my room if I didn't want to socialize but that doesn't solve the problem. The problem to me is what you stated - his need is greater than mine. I keep trying to rationalize it by thinking that his need is excessive and therefore wrong. (it is excessive - I can't think of anyone I know that socializes like BF)

And you are right - I think I would go nuts with a houseful of people all the time and he would go nuts without having guests.

Does that change with marriage? Like if you have a family and a companion does your need for others diminish somewhat?

V. [/color]

Sigh, this sounds a lot like my "issues" with G - I don't know of anyone who has sleep and "getting ready" needs as great as hers. Unfortunately, even if it "wrong" by most people's standards, I don't know what good that information will do me in trying to get her to sleep less, or you in trying to get your BF to socialize less.

I wish I could say something like "it'll get better in marriage", but my experience tells me that the opposite will happen. I think all annoying habits, being classic Love Busters, will grind away at you - so either the habits need to be changed, or how you react to them needs to be changed. It's nice to hope for that to happen by compromise (I know I am still hoping to try to get used to G's habits), but it will definitely be an uphill battle. Regardless, I don't think that it will get better after marriage; it needs to be resolved beforehand.

AGG