I feel like I am losing hope. My wife and I just kind of exist in the same house. I have read SAA and HNHN and been working really hard on trying to meet her needs. I am just really discouraging becuase she doesn't really show any sign's of trying to work on our marraige.
Our anniversary is this weekend and I have rented a motel room with a jacuzzi in it. I was thinking that maybe a romantic evening might jog her memmory of why she married me in the first place. I just wish she could show me the same kind of affection and commitment to this marraige that I have.
Am I expecting to much? I feel like my marraige is over and we are just to afraid to end it. We have been together our whole adult life. I can't imagine not waking up to my kids every morning and kissing them good night every night.
I just don't know how much more I can handle.

How far from D-day?
how long the affair?
agreed no contact or still contact?

marriage counseling?

are you in PLAN A

ark

need2;

you should not be imagining anything like not being with your kids everyday. you've done nothing wrong. if she wants out -- she will have to be the one to leave.

get this straight: if she decides to end the marriage, she will be the part-time parent, not you. stand your ground.

hopefully MM will come along to coach you on custody issues.

if she is going to pursue an affair, one of the consequences is that she will lose her family. She doesn't get to mess things up and then make YOU leave.

Hi need2bloved. Here is some encouragement. It can get better. It's a ton of work on YOUR part. But if you do the work there's a decent chance it can get better. Been there, done that, and I think our marriage is coming out better than before.

IMHO do not look to her for the answers. You are the key, not her. No guarantees though; even if you do everything right, your marriage may not survive. But if you want to improve your chances, I suggest you consider doing some major introspection, and probably making major changes in yourself. (Who among us couldn't benefit from improving ourselves?)

Don't lose hope.

I read your story and it sounds very similar to mine. I do understand the pain you are in, so I hope my response doesn't seem insensitive.

I'll give two reasons for some hope.

First, my sitch.

D-Day for me was about 8 months ago. My FWW has said many of the things you say your WS said. My FWW broke NC and we had relapses. She hasn't lived at home for much of the last 8 mos. We have up days and we have down days. With all that, things are getting better. She sent a final NC letter all on her own. Her idea and she asked me to okay it. We still have a long journey ahead and I don't think we know where it will end. We are talking about our feelings. She is doing many things to make me feel safe. We are both working hard at it, each in our own way. We're both in MC. It's progress.

My advice to you is to try to be patient. Your not that far from D-Day. Most likely it took a long time for your WS to lose the feelings for you. Its going to take just as long for them to come back.

My FWW and I have talked about this type of thing. Our minds are just on 2 different timetables.

To her our M was in bad shape for many years and it took a long time for the feelings to go away. When I do things for her now, well, two weeks or two months of affection from me does not wipe away many years of neglect. When I expect it to, she feels smothered.

In my mind, I thought my M was okay until D-Day. My mind sees this as alomst like I forget to do something yesterday, so if I do it today, all will be solved. Just doesn't work that way and the conflict in our minds is because one of us had full information, the other didn't. It is unfortunate, that I did not have full information, but that's the way it is.

Anyway, one of the biggest things I have had to do is be patient.

If an example is not a good reason, I'll give you a more machiavellian approach. What do you have to gain by giving up hope now. If you are safe and your kids are safe, you have time. Yes, it may seem you will avoid some heartache. Yes, maybe you will save some time. But you will have just as much heartache if you give up. And you can avoid the heartache now by working on your self.

As far as time goes, what's the hurry? You're a young man and I doubt you're in a hurry to start dating again. So give it some time. You have much more to gain in the long run by continuing to fight the good fight than by cutting and running.

Just my two cents.

Thanks so much for the ecouragment!

Some days I feel like a divorece is the only way for the pain to stop. Other days I want to do whatever I can to make my marraige safe again. The good news for us is that we are still living in the same house and trying to be friends once again.

We spent spent alot of time together this weekend which was really nice for a change. Conversation is hard because we are so disconnected from one another. I guess as long as she stays in the house and we are together as a family then we have a chance.

I can't find the post, but someone posted something about detaching with love. Aside from working on yourself, its a good concept for dealing with some of the pain.

I basically viewed it as how I feel when a sibling does something I don't agree with.

You may not like what a sibling chooses to do, but you don't take it personally, and you don't try to control them. Yes, you still love them, always will, but they have to make their own choices. When you don't agree with their choices, it may pain you some but not terribly. You just hope for the best and help when you can. Detached with love.

On conversation, my advice, don't talk about the R. Treat it like you would on a first date, when there is no R. What I have been trying to do is get to know my FWW better than ever. (Something I should have done long ago). I'm sure their are stil things about your wife that you do not know or have forgotten. Relearn them.

Also, I should say, your conversations need to be pure and safe for her. By that I mean no manipulation, no hidden agenda, no digging for other answers. Just safe pure discovery. I point this out because my FWW says some of our conversations our difficult because she thinks I'm checking up on her. I really try to avoid that because we are both trying to be transparent. I have committed to my FWW that if I want to check up on her, I'll tell her and we can POJA a way for me to feel safe. If you have a hidden agenda, its a conversation killer.

Thanks again!

This marraige builders forum is the only thing that keeps giving me hope. When I feel down, I get signed on and read that other folks are having the same problems that I have. It is nice to know that I am not alone.

Since D-day I have not been able to think of anything other than this horrific thing that has happened. I think I rely on my wife for my happiness and it is just killing me that I don't know where things are going. She is riding the fence, and so am I, on weather or not we should split up. It is not what I want to do but on the other hand I am optimistic that we can recover from this and have a great marraige. I feel like the longer that this goes on, I am losing the connection we once shared. We are not intimat at all which is a big problem for me. She says she does not feel comfortable being intimate. Our marraige is so fragile right now.

Please read bobpures story...

you are letting yourself become victim to her actions...
you are losing yourself in the pain.....and in the end it makes you too vulnerable for a false recovery...

you need to fill your self with your own self worth..

you are not lovable or worthy based on her witholding or giving of herself...

you need to find a support group for you
you need to find some interest outside of the home
you need to be interesting and charming...and take control of any and all gloom..

you need to be less concerned about being together at any cost and put your vision on a marriage that fullfill both of you...

I garuntee to you that OP are NOT emotionally flat...or afraid ..
they are strong confident and daring...
ALL part of the allure.....

you have to start acting from that same modum...

you are better than the OP...start acting it..

Ark

Hi again need2bloved43. rprynne's post sounded familiar; my own situation has followed a similar track. Details upon request. Short version: my FWW had As last year. In Sept she talked to a D attorney, in early Dec I talked to a D attorney. But here we are still together and on the recovery path. It is getting better, I know I am a better person than before, and I think our marriage will come out stronger than before. It can get better for you too. LMK if you want to hear more about it.