I will try and explain. Husband has addictions and is not ready to deal with them so he is forgetful etc. He had agreed to no contact and we were enthuisastic to move to a different town to get away from our previous existance.

So now in new town I find out he lied he is still calling OW and was with her before we left but there is now no opportunity to see her. He is here she is way out of physical reach. We are living is seperate houses right now. I also have addictions and just had a relapse so am feeling weak but will get better soon. Kids are with him and his parents. They are all doing fine. For how long not sure as it is hard to live in someone else's house.

We had planned to live together and he said he would sleep in my bed and help raise the kids like a team but he refuses to give up phone contact with this woman. He says he is in love with her and I say why did you come here? He says he puts the kids above everything. I don't know what to do. My addiction counsler says he must feel consequences so don't rent the house (don't let him be so comfortable or he will never change) He says he has to get help for addictions and NC. I don't think I am strong enough to stick to that boundary. I love him and need him and want him in my life. I just think I will go insane though with him talking on the phone with her saying he loves her and misses her and where will all that go? He doesn't know. He is all messed up and so am I and I feel the kids are very confused. I know I sure am. Don't have a clue where to go from here.

Should I rent the house and hope for the best that eventually the phone calls will stop? He says he loves me but can't deny his feelings for her. Has anyone ever had such a problem and if so how did it end? Do you just keep doing a Plan A and hope for the best? I don't have anymore plan Bs left in me and the other plans are runaway plans as I am not single mom material. Then I thought I should find another man but who would want to take such a mess on?

I'm pretty messed up and am looking for some good advice or kind words or similiar stories. Thanks for your time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I've done some reading here and found a few inspiring thoughts. It is wierd how the mind works. I have been entertaining the idea of being with other men but I am married and I was totally forgetting about the moral issue! I don't want to be separated, or divorced, I want my husband.

I found a good line it was on if you should put yourself out as single if they are dating and someone responded with, Say your very much married and working hard on getting your cheating husbands head out of his [censored]! lol Loved it so now I have a better mind frame. Thanks MB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Work your program and listen to your counslor? Why Yes, that is what you should do. Once you get to a better and more stable place, emotionally, and are working a true program of recovery, that does not include relapse, then you'll have better vision on where to go from there.... In the mean time, squash all that thought about finding another dude, get right with you 1st, and the rest will follow......

his feelings are shmmmeeeelings...

he does not feel..

he self medicates and self soothes...

you need to stop all enabling...

you need to stop absorbing ANY type of consequence...
the kids need someone to be the grownup...and it's YOU..

what is his addiction...
what is yours...

you need tough love...

you need to fully immerse yourself in your twelve step program and become a champion....

you need to heal you...

and you must stick to the boundary..
there is NO other path and nothing will work and be right till you aren't using and he is not using..
until then you live on a house of cards...and the stress is unbearable and it feeds in to the need to medicate...

do you see this
can you see this...

braveheart..this is the time for you to be more brave than ever...
immerse yourself in recovery
surround yourself with only healthy sober people..

plan a and plan b can not and do not work on addictions...

the kids must come first right now
they deserve a sober mom...not a perfect mom...but a sober mom working together with them..to do the best you can enjoying life...
not drama
not crisis.

normal kid and mom life...

braveheart be brave...and do what you must for the kids...

ARK

Thanks guys. I just got the book Fall in Love, stay in love and it has sparked my imagination a bit. I need to follow a plan and I'm just all over the place. I'm going to Alanon tonight and I'm back in recovery for my bit of alcoholism. My man is a bigger alcoholic. He knows it but choses to keep drinking. He also smokes pot and has done coke in the past but I'm not sure to what extent all that is at now that he is living at his moms. Just seems booze is on his plate a lot.

It is St. Patricks day and he has been getting smashed today and he is going to a hockey game tonight so it will be a big drinking/smoking fest. I told him I was going to go out with a friend.

He is trying to be honest with me about his feelings and I wonder if a good plan A and just me being there day in and day out being super kind and not doing my old nagging dance will eventually wear away at him and he will get enough love deposits to fall in love with me again. What will that do to my self-esteem though. I just don't know what I can handle at any given minute. I sometimes feel I am going crazy.

I am now second guessing my plan to not rent a place for us. His mom told me this is terribly stressful on her husband and I didn't know what to say to her. I told her everything is up in the air and she said what is different from that when you left BC? I just said there are so many issues. I don't know what to do.

I can't really see myself being able to look after myself (self-care that I desperately need right now) and the kids full-time and deal with an angry addicted man who is not in love with me. He loves me but is so messed up and we are all just hurting awful. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I can't really see myself being able to look after myself (self-care that I desperately need right now) and the kids full-time and deal with an angry addicted man who is not in love with me. He loves me but is so messed up and we are all just hurting awful

that's the whole point is it not..

drop the angry addicted man who is not in love with you..

find your own strength power and love for yourself and your children..

since you cant' change a thing with him..often times as proven here over and over...the greatest catalyst that start others changing is the changes we make in ourselves...

what is your other option rely on a drunken angry man...

how will that ever ever work..
and what will that expose the children to ?

drop the man
drop the fears that he doesn't love you...he's not capable of loving you in a healthy way so why stress yourself about that right now...
there's always tomorrow....

please please get those children in a stable stable home..

please...

ARK

OK, I talked to him when he was sober this morning to see what he wanted and he said we should get the rental house to get our stress out of his parents house. We will have our own place, privacy and stop moving the kids around.

We will be the best parents we can and I at least will stay sober. Not sure about the relationship but for sure for the kids stability we are going to try our best. If the modeling from him and the values he represents make us suffer to much I will get strong to be on my own and kick him out. Money is becoming a concern now for me though.

My Alanon meeting was great last night. All the women were so helpful and told me about the Transition houses and how you can get daily support if I decide to go the single mom route. I'll give this a shot at least until end of June/school. Then at least his whole family will see I tried my best to make a go of it here.

He claims he always puts the kids first but his behaviour is so opposite that right now. I never claimed to be a saint but I do try hard.

I get confused between the difference of trying to control the situation and trying to insist on boundaries. What I think I can live with changes minute to minute these days. I know nothing of boundaries and everything about controling. I will learn to do my best to stop controlling though for my children's sake. Any insight would be appreciated. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

braveheart ~ I'm just curious why you would ignore the advice of your counselor?

You are not too weak to do this, thats a cop out - pure and simple.

You do not want to do this. Your self will is running rampant here.

When you are attempting to force someone else to change to suit yourself - it is about control.

When you are changing yourself to protect yourself - its about boundaries.

And I just want to point out just how selfish it is - to insist on enabling your husband's addiction because of your own emotional dependency.

You are totally right. I've been a control freak all my life (alcoholic mother/bipolar Father) so change will not occur over night. I am severely depressed right now. I can barely take care of myself much less our children on my own. I know this all will pass though and I will get stronger. With the help of maybe some medicine or counselors or God. I am just doing all I can right now to not go absolutely insane and have to put myself in the hospital.

It is one thing to learn the talk but another thing to walk the walk. He knows he is an alcoholic, he knows what needs to be done. He is unwilling to stop drinking or go to no contact but he lives for the kids. I have not been living for the kids the past few years I have been on the money hunt, online here, so that is how I can be so selfish. I am used to it.

I am also at the mercy of my addictions but at least I am in recovery and taking some action. At least I know what has to be done. I see the whole picture and am willing to try.

I had a really bad year, not only the affair but my manic depressive Father went Manic during a big move (dirty,packrat ******) and I had to put him into the hospital against his will and then move him and that is when the affair started.

so my life has taken some extremely hard blows lately and yes it is selfish to enable my husbands addiction but I have to be gentle with myself and work at my own level and abilities right now. It would be more selfish to kill myself or run away. I am taking the lesser of the selfish options to allow myself some time to let go and let god.

I know it will come together it will just take some time and patience. One day at a time. I feel a bit better today but am in the middle of the move and pms week (lol - I know myself very, very well, I am at my very weakest check back in two weeks!) so won't be able to check in here as much. Thanks for your insight it is much appreciated. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I am creating a poster with inspirational thoughts. I am going to add pain is given, misery is optional. Got anymore good ones anyone? So far I have.

want to be happy and only I can make me happy
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
This pain and suffering will pass
If I continue to do what I have always done, I will continue to get what I have always gotten
You can't hurt others without hurting youself
The highest form of wisdom is kindness
our family motto is - to be kind and helpful
when anxiety begins, faith ends
submission is frustration, surrender is acceptance of reality
when in doubt - Don't!
Love is a decision, everything is a decision so use
Policy of Joint agreement - all decisions, both should be enthuisastic about, or they won't work
Your thoughts create your world so be sure your thoughts and words express prosperity and blessing rather than poverty and defeat
Nurture compassion, love, kindness, tolerance, patience, courtesy and humour
If you live in harmony with yourself, you are apt to live in harmony with others
The real fault is to have faults and not try to mend them
Self pity is one of the most miserable and consuming of all our defects
I have no control over other people, addictions, places and things, Let Thy Will be done God
Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die
Sacrifices kill marriages, one should not suffer for the other
HOW - Honesty, Openness, Willingness