I was thinking this morning on my way to work about how I feel about recovery (mine anyway). I have stated here more than once that if I could go back in time and choose to do things differently, I believe that rather than try to stay with my FWH, I would end my marriage.

This attitude, or belief is not intended to discourage those near to d-day who are just beginning their recovery, but it really is the way I feel. It is just that I know now, after all this time, just how much damage was done and that I am left with a marriage with a great big, ugly bandaide on it.

Surely, most of us BS here on MB if we could choose to go back to a point prior to our WS affairs and somehow prevent them, we would. Heck, most of our FWS would even more eagerly make that change.

So, what do I know fairly certainly.

1. I know that if OW had been able to convince my FWH to leave me for her (note this was never even close to happening), I would probably be the only remining survivor of the three of us. OW began almost from the onset of the affair to make constant demands on FWH, he was miserable and scared of what she would do. FWH is a somewhat emotionally fragile man, always has been. FWH is capable of doing her grave physical har.

2. Had FWH left me to begin a life with OW, she would have completely destroyed him in a matter of months.

3. His relationship with his family would have nearly ended.

4. His career would have ended.

5. His anger towards her would have become uncontrollable.

6. He would have killed her. And then himself.

I, on the other hand know that if he had left me, that far more than suffering and struggling through recovery, it would have stiffened my back bone and given me the strength to recover my own self esteme and begin anew.

Off all of us, I would be the only one to survive, and I might just end up feeling smug. I hate myself for feeling this way.

Who

Is there a history of violence with your H? Why are you so certain about this?

Hmmmmmmmmm.

I don't know, Who.

Putting aside the marital recovery challenges - because I have no experience with that - you may be too confident that you "know" what would have happened in the other scenario.

They might not have killed each other.

That said, like me, you may have become the only "survivor."

I'm the only survivor of the four adults involved in my sitch. OMW became a basket case and, despite my efforts, could not corral her emotions. She became the perfect BS for the infidels - a ready whipping girl.

And the infidels each married a known, continuing, unrepentent adulterer. Maybe that's worse than death.

So I claim to be the only survivor. I pity OMW, but I am a little smug thinking about my good fortune compared to the infidels. I don't hate myself at all for feeling that way.

Maybe you shouldn't be hating yourself.

Sundog,

No history of violence whatsoever with me. OW was a different story from what FWH told me. As soon as they had hit the sheets once, she started to make all sorts of demands on him.

Because they had been friends, they actually had discussed the "affair rules and guidlines" before they started their PA. I know, real romantic.

Well my naive FWH actually believed OW when she said that their arrangement was SF with no strings attached. WHen after a few months he realized that she had lied, he tried to end the A. SHe held on for dear life and on occasion showed up at his hotel room while he was on a business trip with several coworkers, all of whom know me. He said he beat the living tar out of her.

The last time he saw her.....another unannounced surprise visit, and demanded he take her away for the weekend, he said he spent the entire weekend trying to figure out how to make her disappear without anyone suspecting him. He decided that it was too risky.

She brought out the absolute worst in him and I really do think that he was, at that time, capable of murdering her.

Who

WOW.. This is like Sopranos and shiate... Are you really living with a man who you think is capable of murder?? REALLY? Or are you projecting how much you would have liked her offed (DEAD) ?

Well,FWIW, I think alot of us are capable of murder if pushed far enough in the right direction and if the circumstances are right.

I don't know your sitch, EarthMan, but I do know what I saw happening to FWH during his A. He became edgy, short-tempered and was constantly agitated. I think some WS find engaging in A's easier than others do. FWH realized very early on that his A was a big mistake and although no one can force anyone to remain in an affair, they can certainly make it seem at the time that it is the easier path to follow. OW threatened of tell me everything if he ended their A. She played all sorts of mind games with FWH when he was at his weakest and he grew to hate her long before the A ended.

FWH never wanted our marriage to end and he was desparately afraid that I would throw him out when I learned the truth. Before he realized that no matter what happened, he would not be able to keep it a secret from me, he contemplated murder as an option of keeping OW from exposing their A to me.

As far as me wanting OW dead, I don't care what happens to her. Actually knowing that she didn't get what she wanted despite her best efforts is better than having her dead. She wasn't important during the A and she isn't now. This was never about her anyway.

Who

"He said he beat the living tar out of her."

If this is true I would say WH needs counseling.

Hope,

FWH has had counseling and understands why he was violent with OW. Newsflash....nearly everyone is capable of violent acts if pushed far enough over and over. I am not justifying FWH violence towards OW, but I do understand how he was driven to it at the time.
I have worked in law enforcement for nearly 30 years and have seen some very stable folks pushed over the edge.

Who

WoMe,

Your D-Day is two weeks from my D-Day 2. We seem to be close in our thinking about what-if alternatives as well as in recovery time.

I also know if FWW and OM were living together one or the other would be incapacitated in some form by now. They both would be miserable beyond reckoning. A suicide in there somewhere would have been likely.

At the same time, I know I would most likely be over it all by now. No recovery effort, no lingering A and M issues, probably a fresh new relationship, seems so much more preferable. Instead of all this R work, I would be free and clear. I even daydream about it once in a while.

I often think automatic D after adultery should be the standard approach. Get it all over with quickly, like ripping off a band-aid. Then take your time deciding if you want to reengage with your spouse. A definite way to see how much WS actually wants to stay with you. No reason you can’t remarry them at some point. This approach seems so much cleaner and gives the BS more time and more options.

That being said, I still love my FWW. I am reasonably certain I made the right choice in my case. But, it is the more difficult choice. Not the easy road at all. And I know this road benefits DS the most.

But the grass sure does occasionally look greener along that other road.

With prayers,

As bring out scary things in normally stable people. We said and did things to each other that we had never, ever done before. It is very sad.

I understand the emotions involved, but I cannot understand beating a woman under any circumstance.

In my case, the OM was planning on taking over my duties as a father and husband. He mocked me and looked me in the face when discussing the affair with my wife. I could have crushed his little head between my hands, but violence was never 'brought out' of me or even considered.

That side of your husband was there... is there. I think at least some IC would be important to see what's bottled up in there.

WhoMe,

I know what you are feeling. I have had the same thoughts myself, but I am still at a point where most times I want to keep going with recovery. If my kids weren't such a factor, I think things would be different. Best wishes to you, whatever you decide.

Sundog,

That makes you a rare breed. Your reaction to those circumstances is not the norm. Your OM had a good thumping coming, and would have been deserving.

Perhaps in the case of the OM this is true. Pounding him would've just pushed her to him even more and put me in jail.

In regards unconditionally being against beating a woman, I prefer to think my breed is not so rare.

Whome,

I understand your POV. Those feelings in my recovery makes me feel that way also at times. Why? Because the trust factor is gone. If the Xws doesn't do his fair share to restore that trust factor, the BS who is already quite exhausted, will feel like M recovery isn't worth it.

I keep plan B in my back pocket. I know that if we had gone the D route, I would be ok and the WS w/b worse for the wear.

Like yours, the OW in our case was and is a nut. Her demise of life wouldn't have been enough punishment. What i fear is she will do similar damage to others. I can't control her but I make sure my 1 boundary of her not impacting my life nor any OW messing with my life is a firm boundary.

Plan B is my safety net. When I feel weak, I let H know and he steps up to the plate. Reassurance is a biggie for me. Way more than the ILY's.

take care,
L.