Hi,

I would love comments from both men and women on this one.

My problem is that my husband (we are newlyweds) has a habit of looking at other women when he's with me. They tended not to look like me either. I'm a light-skinned black woman (my husband is white) and he seems to always look at blondes the most, brunettes second and dark black women third. We have discussed it till we're breathless. I always told him go and get what you want, lets move on if you're not satisfied. He would always assure me: "If I wanted a blonde I would have stayed in Minnesota." He assures me that he's wildly attracted to me but I see no evidence in the women that he drools over. Frankly, his behavior has given cancer to the magical feelings I once had for him and they're hanging by a thread from all the drama.

Do you think he's lying to me? What's his deal? And why wouldn't he just exit? I left the door wide open, it's still ajar.

My question is why are men so compelled to look at other women when they are attached? If they want to look at other women doesn't that mean they want to try to be with them if they can? What makes woman so interesting to look at anyway? Ultimately haven't they seen it all before?

How would a man feel if the woman he loved was constantly distracting him and when he looked back at her after she made him look at some car he found her oogling some man. Once in a while it happens, we're all human but if she did it about 15 times every time you went with her somewhere wouldn't you start to get the impression that she's just not that into you and you should move on? And would you still have strong feelings for someone who seems to still be looking for someone else?

I never make him feel like second choice even when black men are IN MY FACE trying to get my attention I look the other way.

Finally. HOW DO I STOP THIS BEHAVIOR IN HIM?

Thanks all

Good luck, my husband does the same and we have fought about it continually. He has even accused me of being crazy, that he is not even looking at anyone. It has made me feel worthless and almost inadequate. I had gotten to a point where it was hard to even go out in public with him as it was embarrassing.
Not sure what to do either???

Check the posts for the same subject under [emotional needs]

This is apparently not the innocent pastime that men always want you to think it is. Most women don't engage in it and don't like it. And men have a very bad habit of lying about things instead of dealing with them. My guess is that he gets too much pleasure from doing it and doesn't want to give it up. A lot depends on how old, mature and secure your husband really is. An insecure man needs to seek out and be validated by (usually younger) women.

Proving that he's doing it with a camera won't do any good all he'll do is launch into a rage about privacy and completely avoid the issue. Try doing it to him while he's talking to you a few times. Game playing is not always a good things but you need to make him feel what you feel at least once so he has a reference point.

my ex used to do the same thing. he almost got in car crashes cause his head was turning to watch women on the street. we went to a sex therapist who wasnt much help except to make me to feel sure that it wasnt me or my looks that made him to it.

it drove me nuts. ill go out on a limb here and guess that your hub also uses pornography?

i think it has to do with intimacy issues. and the insecurity that was mentioned in starbuck's post.

our intimacy issues eventually led to the spiral we rode to divorce ville. not that yours will, but if he cares about you, he should invest in understanding and trying to curb his behavior. (my opinion anyways)

hug for you...dont let it ruin YOUR self image

Starbuck,

I'm a blonde, slim, shapely and attractive and my husband has been doing this for years. Does it matter how I look??? As long as the woman has big boobs, he stares at them - they could look like "doggy bags". Even when he watches tv - he goes ga, ga when he sees boobs. I'm an attractive woman, yet he looks at women, that in my opinion look like nothing. As long as they are thin, with big boobs - to him, he'll get into a car accident and drive sideways to look at them - or walk into a brick wall. Then he gets this silly grin on his face - we all know what that means. Then will say "what?" - like we didn't know he was checking out the other woman.

Men are all the same, not matter how old, they all think like a man!!!!!We notice when a man is attractive or has a good build, but we keep things to our selves. We don't do a 180 turn to look at them - do we. Men are all the same. My dad is 85 and he still gets a goofy grin on his face when he sees a pretty woman on tv. He's in adult diapers and can't walk, but yet he still has the same instinct.

If that's the way your husband is, get used to it -he will never change - it's just their nature. Don't get yourself upset. I'm sure he loves only you, but men don't think sometimes.

Thanks for the posts,

svan, yes my H used to use porn a lot when he was single for many years (he broke up with a girl he almost married and broke her heart and didn't want it to happen again) I have heard this correlation many times and I don't understand it - does it mean they are looking for some of these women in the general population or are they just oversensative to the image of women?

Forgive, that's interesting, do these women often look like you or do they look different most of the time? If you can put up with that maybe I can relax a bit, but the way he does it is not quite as playful as it sounds when your H does it, also my H seems unable to let these women escape unnoticed like he's got some compulsive ting going on. That's pretty funny about your dad though.

Starbuck,

My husband looks at all kinds of women - but he prefers slim women. He has no preference to short hair, long hair, short or tall - as long as they can walk. It's funny because my husband really likes redheads - which I am not. If the woman has red hair and big boobs, that's when he gets the goofy grin on his face.

To me, it's just showing that they're normal men. Tv - it doesn't matter, because they're not real. The only thing I would mind is if in real life he didn't just look, but touched also - if you know what I mean - then you got to worry. Some men are just like this. You'll drive yourself crazy if you constantly are upset about it.

So far as porn - I guess all men look at it once in a while - on the internet or magazines. As long as it doesn't get excessive, or they start contacting people on the internet.

My husband always says, "Once you stop looking - you're dead"!

As time goes on it will bother you less and less.

Got a funny story:

My husband always trusted me, still does, but doesn't care if guys look at me. Sometimes, though I wish he was a bit more jealous.

About 10 years ago I went on a business trip to Chicago and my husband came along. After dinner, me, my husband and some of my work associates went out for drinks at a cocktail lounge in the hotel. My husband started talking about football to the people with us. Once he starts with football, he can't stop. I was bored to tears. The whole time it looked like I was sitting by myself on the bar stool - because he had his back to me.

I looked across the bar and there were 3 good looking guys trying to get my attention. I tried looking away, but they kept waving and smiling. One of the women in our group noticed and told my husband. My husband didn't even flinch, turned around and kept talking about football. The guys even offered me a drink - I waved no to them. I got bored so I asked my husband to leave. So we did.

My husband was still talking about football as we were leaving - I was in the front - it looked like I was by myself - my husband trailing several feet behind. My husband stopped and started talking some more to the people in our group. I didn't notice this - so I kept walking towards the door. The 3 guys leaped from their bar stools and ran up to me - asked if I could stay. They weren't being fresh or anything. I said no thank you, I am with someone. They said who? then they went back to their seats. All this happened and my husband was still totally engrossed talking about football.

One of the women said to my husband, "Did you see those guys trying to pick up your wife"? My husband replied what guys? Everyone that was with us had such a laugh at this. They said to him, "your wife could have left and you never would have even noticed". He told them I could handle myself. Do you believe this?

Now, we are in recovery from his affair, my husband and I go out dancing. I love to dance - disco/club music. Guys try to pick me up and soon as he leaves to go to the men's room or to get a drink. This never bothers him. It doesn't even phase him, if guys look at me, or talk to me.

That's trust!

Hey Forgive,

Sorry for the lapse in resonse. Been really busy. That's a pretty intense story. Did I miss something or did you say your H had an affair? If so I'm sorry to hear that.
I wish I could feel the way your H feels about this with my H. I am starting to. This week I had to leave him at a BBQ on his own because I had to go to work shortly after we got there. Later on he told me that one of the blondes that was there was floating around him for a while and finally said: "Hey you've got big feet, you know what they say about guys with big feet, well, is it true?" And without look at her he said: "I'll leave it to my wife to enjoy wether or not that saying is true." Nice job! But what if the woman wasn't a total idiot and was actually charming? I guess I don't think those guys that were flirting with you were harmless. It seemed kind of disrespectful to yor husband (and you) but you handled it well.

If it means that much to men to look at women then I guess I'll have to revise my thinking. Some columnist told me that men tend to look at what they don't have. If you were a redhead then your H would start taking an interest in blondes, etc.

Recently at my request I asked my H to show me his online dating spread sheet with pics of all the women he'd contacted before we were even dating and half of the women looked like me so I felt a bit relieved.