My gut was right - something didn't feel right. WH called me last week and asked if he could take kids on Wednesday instead of Thursday because there was a special event he wanted to attend last nigh. I said sure - have a good time, drive carefully.

Still didn't feel right, DD15 told me WH picked her up from school, in his leather jacket and jeans. Told her he hadn't felt well today and decided to stay home. So I called all sweet and nice, asked if he needed anything. No - he was going to stay in tonight. But he'd like to come over tomorrow for lunch.

Still didn't feel right - so hopped in the car and drove over there. PERFECT timing - they were coming out of his apartment. She flew up from TN last night for the weekend. He was furious that I'd caught them together. Hh was yelling, grabbed me, I thought he was going to hit me. She went and stood on the porch. I knew it was her - we have met before. He was yelling for me to leave, she invited me in. Wanted to talk. I stayed long enough to check the bed out and see her suitcase on the floor. She apologized, I said a few things and then left.

I called her husband and told him exactly what I saw. Short of it - she called me to tell me that she was leaving first thing in the morning. That her husband was very angry. She said the relationship with WH was over, and they had only just started their PA.

Called both sets of parents, my brother. Called the locksmith to change the locks, and in the morning I will throw the rest of his clothes and stuff out in the street (to bad it's suppose to be a nice day tomorrow).

I am clam - maybe it's shock. I mean I should be hysterical - they are probably in each others arms right now.

SO now what? - he will never talk to me again - his last words were - I hate you and do not want to ever see you again.

But at least I feel I have finally really done what should have been done years ago. He has been FULLY exposed.

I lived almost this exact same scenario on my 2nd D-Day and we are happily recovered. This is STANDARD WH behavior...saying that he hates you is his attempt to justify his UGLINESS..

As hard as it is for you to believe it, this is a good development for you..

Such exposure was the nails on the coffin of my FWH's affair..it's more FUN for them if they do it in secret..not it feels ugly AS IT IS...



What is the purpose of this? Do you want to recover your M or not?



They might be in each other's arms but it NO LONGER FEELS THE SAME....



Bull...as I said before, this was his reaction to being CAUGHT..projecting his anger and shame of himself onto you...

A large part of him is GLAD that you CARE enough to EXPOSE and believe me the OW HATES it that you still care about your WH....

((Jan))

Sorry you had to see them together, but know more info is out there,less secrecy is good.

I am in TN if your OW is in my area and you need some sleuthing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

((((((((((((((Jean)))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry that this happened. But I went through the same thing over 2 years ago. My WH insisted that there was no contact. I drove by where he was living to get the address. Lo and behold, his car and her car were in the driveway.

I knocked on the door, and his roommate let me in. I walked up the stairs and knocked on the bedroom door. I heard them in there having sex.

My husband was extremely angry - he had finally been caught. Strangely enough, it was a relief to me.

Jan ~ throwing his clothes in the street won't help.

You can draw a boundary without lovebusting. Pack his stuff up and send it over.

Exactly. That's what angered me the most about my wife's A, the not knowing. Once I knew there was contact I actually felt calmer then when she said there was none, but my gut told me otherwise.

So sorry J. I doubt they'll be in each others arms, they probably both feel like idiots.

OK - I won't through his clothes in the street. But I am tempted to change the locks today. I was actually afraid of him last night. A little boy who had a toy taken away from him - that's what he looked like. And he was angry. I do have a bruise on my arm from where he grabbed me and held my arm last night - wouldn't let me go. He is suppose to come over today to see the kids and work on the motorcycle that we are putting up for sale. I do not want him here right now.

Can you have another adult in the house tomorrow when he comes over?

Not sure who to call. I don't have very many "my friends" right now (they all are people we have known for years through his work and community contacts). And my family is out of state.

My borther lives about an hour away, but he has his kids this weekend and I don't want to expose them (they are alot younger and have been through enough with their mother). So my brother is not an option.

I am toying with the idea of asking WH not to come. But really don't want to talk to him.

I do and I don't want to talk. Right now - he's probably still so angry.

I agree with Dobie,

Have another adult there with you, brother, sister, friend, anyone who will be able to stand up to him, if you have a bruise, there is reason to be worried, you never know what he will do when you're alone together.

There is also possibility that he will not come over, he might be too ashamed to face his family.

WS's can act very strange when they get busted and anger is at the top of the list so don't take everything too seriously what he says but his actions I would take more seriously. If you're afraid of him with him grabbing you and leaving a mark, put up your guard for you and your kids.

A man has no right to physically abuse his wife or family, to me that makes him a coward.

It is good though that you busted him, you dug the grave for the A, if he wants to make your M work, he needs to put the A in the grave and then you both need to bury it.

Good luck,

Why do you have to be home today? I would take the kids and do something fun today, far away from the house. And make sure all cell phones are off and locked in the glovebox. After last night, you do NOT need to see this man today. You need to protect you and the children. How about a movie and lunch out?

I think I would be gone today. Any conversation with him is not likely to be productive. He will probably give you excuses, which will make you angrier.

Jan, why not call one of these friends? Is there one that you feel somewhat close to that could support you through this? It matters not if they are mutual friends, what matters is that you have the support you need.

After this all dies down, you are probably a ripe candidate for Plan B. You might want to start thinking about that as a future step.

((( Jan )))

I tried to post to you last night, but could not get through. Just wanted to tell you that our gut instincts are almost always right !! Can not ignore them.

Like other posters have said, the finally knowing is a huge (but sickening) relief...

I would be gone today when and if he comes over.. just my thoughts...

Bless you Jan. Carnation

Is it normal to be afraid of contact with him right now - I mean I am really terrified of any conflict with him. He is not himself.

I spoke to OW this morning - suprised she picked up the phone - gave her a piece of advice - get tested for STD's! I I HPV from 6 years ago (not from my PA 4 years ago). Not sure where it came for - but it was high grade and I had to have cervical surgery. PAP smears are clean now - but I don't what her to skip out on her paps and get cervical CA. She was floored - said that I must have gotten it from someone else. Meaning I must have had an affair before 2002. NOPE - only two sexual partners in my entire life. ONCE with my HS sweetheart (he dumped me 2 days later) and then with my WH. My PA was - with my HS sweetheart - and that consisted 2 encounters after the HPV. So what do you think? It finally dawned on her - that I must have gotten it from WH - which means - he has done this befroe - which means she is not the first - which means he's lied to her - and it goes on.....

Good - I say.

Now I must wait - and figure out a good plan B. I am ready now for this - the last ditch effort. I can do this. It will take some real work though with the kids.

any suggestions?

Jan - Take pictures of the bruises. That's physical abuse! Stay safe! Either tell him not to come, get people to be there with you, or don't be home when he gets there.

God bless,
Rose

Jan,

Go report this to the police. Extreme measure? Nope. Better now than later.

My Ws went so far as to think he could call the police (cuz I was throwing his clothes out the front door......after over 5 recovery attempts...he knew I would do this.....he choose to put me to that limit). He called 911 to report me as a 'crazed woman'.....what the 4 police officers found was him pushing me into the house. As bad as it looked, the police told him that if he was having an A, he ought to pick his stuff off the ground and leave our home. Well that didnt' sit well with the WS (cuz you realize NO ONE can tell the WS what t/d). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> So the Ws started to verbally argue with the police.... you just don't do that. He was yelling (this is normally a mild manner guy) and the police arrested him and placed a 10 day RO against him. Hm....he went into the clink as a WS and came out enraged but couldn't come near me.....so instead of his other options, he choose to stay with the OW which lead to another recovery day because in our case.....no one can seem to live with that OW very long....she is one controlling psycho....well you know. LOL!!

My point is report it and get help, that way the next time he decides to get out of control.....you have a backup plan. Yea, this is on H's record. Can't fix that. The police said I should have reported it earlier. They were right.

JMHO,
L.

I am exhausted this morning and rather down. Didn't sleep well keep wondering if I did the right thing. I feel for OW's husband. He is going through ****** right now and I had something to do with it.

My MIL just called. She and I spoke last night and I guess I said something that kept her wondering. She asked exactly what happenend on Friday night - i gave her an abbreviated version. She told me I was extremely short-sighted and she didn't think it was going to help anything. Thanks for the help Mom. I tried to explain a few marriage builder principles - and sghe doesn't get it.

Am I nuts here? I have suffered so much at the hands of my husband who has been in love with another woman, deceptive, constantly lying, for FOUR years. My emotional ups and downs, my insecurities, my hurts and anger - all a result of their relationship. Why is it when I am finally beginning to feel good again, whole for the first time in years everyone thinks I am losing it again.

You did exactly the right thing. [and I think you know this deep down] You likely dealt the death blow to this affair, possibly saving TWO marriages. However in the world that could be considered "short sighted" is beyond me. You are NOT losing it, SHE IS.

p.s. and you should feel happy for the OWH. He now has a chance to save his marriage that he did not have before! You gave him a great gift.