I agree with Melody, you did the right thing. His mom isn't exactly the person I'd turn to for an unbiased opinion.

So what do I do now? No one has heard from him, and I am not sure where I go from here. The only thing I really know right now is that I love him!! I know he is hurt - and we have made a real mess of our life, he may never want to see me again. He did threaten that the other night. And he was very angry. He has never physically hurt me before, and it really scared me. I realize that at this point he has to work stuff through on his own. I can't help him right now. BUT I want to - every thing in me wants to reach out to him.

Do I just go dark and be quiet and do nothing right now? DO I wait for a sign from him? What do I do - I have never been at this point before with him. I want to do it right now - I may never have another chance.

How do I get him to come here? Maybe someone here can help him?

Right now you....leave him alone. Remember he is a WS. You have wounded him as a WS. Expect him t/b angry, abusive, threatening....whatever. Yea, you should notify your support group and prepare them for what I just outlined. Ask them t/b on standby.

Here's the deal.....with your exposure you have just cut a hole in the fog.....impossible? No. Now your H can see the light and if he has the strength, your H can start fighting back.

You don't want to give the WS strength. You want the WS t/b in pain and most often those WS choose to threaten and have a tantrum. When you experience this, don't be afraid....know it is part of how a WS dies and gives your H a chance to come home. You have opened an escape portal for your H.

This is a very very different POV than your MIL will have. She still sees her son as an H when he is her son as a WS. How you explain it to her is important.....the next time you speak to her, ask her:

BS: Mom, do you think the WS is acting as the son you know and love?

MIL: Hm....No.

BS: Our family and friends have noticed that also. It seems he has become a strange different person and I have been doing research as to why he has changed so. What I would like to know is if you are interested in helping our family get him back as your son, my H and our children's dad. If so, I respectfully ask you to be part of our support group. The method may seem unconventional but I have read and heard experiences where it worked. R U with us?

MIL: Hm...let me think about it.

BS: Ok, mom..... I love you. (then walk away or let her go).

Now your MIL will have to give thought to your words. Whether she support you or not, you have made your stance and will move forward.

ok?

Now go work on identifying your boundaries. Get the book Love must be tough by Dr. James Dobson. Read up here on plan B and get that backup plan in place. If your WS reacts less than I outlined, that's good. Either way you w/b prepared. That's the key.

take care,
L.

I was very happy when I read what happened. Believe me, I know how uncomfortable it is living through this stuff, but this was the best thing that could have happened for you. You will see.

An enraged WS is no longer comfy in the A, and that is only to the good. You want him to have as little comfy, guiltless A time as possible. This was awesome!

MelodyLane -

I ahve the book Love must be tough -reaf it a few months ago. Guess I should review it again. I am so nerved up about this. The best thing to do right now is work on me and leave him alone right?

I want to be sure he's ok - but I know he's not ok. Just wait it out - let him come to me?

What kinds of boundaries do I need to set. Are these "steps" that need to be taken to bringg him home. Or are they more to keep me safe right now?

Orchid: Right. Re: Now he is a WS. You don't want one of them in your home.


Orchid: Let your H come back to his family. As far as his being ok, you'd better face the fact that he is NOT ok but also that you can not fix it for him. He needs to fix it himself and may have to hit rock bottom before he does.


Orchid: Boundaries and the plans A & B are all for you. What things, events, habits will you NOT accept in your life. At first my boundary list was long. Then I finally narrowed it down to 1 thing: The OW must be out of MY LIFE. Even if that meant losing the Ws (big deal - didn't want the WS anyway....our family wanted H back). When that boundary solidified, it was much easier to decide what t/d. The WS and OP lost their power over me. I regained my strength and stance. I was able via reverse babble to kick back all the crap the WS and OP tried to throw at me. I eventually got quite good at it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

Don't worry about him, Jan! He is a big boy and can face the consequences just fine without your help.

In the meantime, I would focus on keeping busy. Paint your toenails, join a yoga class, clip your nose hairs, just take care of yourself. You can't help him right now so any contact would be a waste of your time. You have been through a terrible shock and need to focus ALL your attention on HEALING FOR JAN!! Jan has been treated very very badly and she needs your FULL ATTENTION.

Thanks Ladies -

I just needed to hear it. I have taken care of myself today.ANd spent some wonderful time with my kids. Just got beaten in a wicked game of chess by my 8 year old. I am in BIG trouble - my kids are smarter than me!

And you are right - I do not want my WS back - never have. I wanted the sweet, sensitive, romantic that got lost a few years ago. Or at least to start - I want the am I love to come home.

While I have felt strange today - I have also felt strong. I FINALLY feel like I fought for my husband and my family. If we fail now - I know I DID everything in my power to end the affair, and I will do everything I can to reconcile.

OK - time to get back to time with the kids.

Jan

U sound more in control and that will help you in your personal recovery. Keep up the good thoughts and work.

Btw, our kids are smarter than us. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> We are the generation who are dependent on our children to program our TVs, computers, phones, DVDs, VCRs....who knows what else!?!?!? Scary isn't it? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

L.