This is one forum I had hoped I would never have to post in, but here I am. She packed up and left on Wednesday, and is doing everything she can to get me to agree to a fast divorce. She's also stated explicitly that she considers herself available to start dating and find a new mate.

With God, all things are possible, I know. Nevertheless, I also know that my wife's choices are her own, and that's just the way it is.

So, how hard is it for a divorcing/divorced father to start over? I beliee that I'll have custody of our kids at least 50% of the time, but I don't know about that for sure.

When should I be open to the possibility of finding someone new?

When will the pain stop overwhelming me?

Thanks.

Hi Tested,

Sorry you have to be on this forum. We do have a good support system going here, though.

I'm in a similar situation. My STBXW moved out early in January and started dating right away. She left because she got involved in an A and could never break from it. You are right in that we can't control what they do, but we can control ourselves.

Our D is not final, although all we are doing is waiting on a court date. She has shown no remorse in all of this and appears to be having a good time.

IMHO, you should wait until the D is finalized and you've had some time to heal emotionally before seeking a new relationship. I know if I tried right now, I would only be seeking to replace my W, and that wouldn't be fair to anyone. I will honor my vows until the end.

The pain will ease with time. Are you taking AD's? I have been on them for a while, and they do help. The best advice I have, is to talk about it with friends until you are sick of talking. Go out with friends and family and try to enjoy yourself. It will be hard at first, but it will get better.

Testing,

You probably want to find someone else because you are scared and lonely... This is normal. But, it is way too soon. You must heal from all this and it will take time. The amount of time it will take varies but it will take less time if you address the issues head on. Therapy, anti-depressents, support groups, exercise, diet, etc. You must really concentrate on taking care of yourself.

Hi Tested.

My WH has been gone for nearly a year now - our divorce will be final sometime in the summer.

I don't feel the desperate loneliness I did at first, but it's still there, sometimes. What amazes me is how many people - friends and family - expect me to now be 'out there', looking for someone else - and I'm still married!

There's no way I am ready for any kind of relationship, not to mention expecting my children to accept someone new in their lives. I am the custodial parent, and although WH moved straight in with his OW after D/day, she's now accepted by everyone - including our kids. However, I know that it will be much harder for them to accept any new partner of mine - even though it was their dad and his OW who broke up the family, and my 'future partner' will have had nothing to do with it! Just the way it is.

Take the high road. Understand that any relationship that you embark on now will be a rebound relationship, and almost certainly doomed to failure. Take care of yourself, your kids. Give yourself time and space to grieve.

Take care.

Alph.

I too am sorry that you are here. Do not worry about starting over with someone new, not yet. It's way too early for that. You must first take the time to heal yourself and take care of your children.

When will the pain stop? It would be nice if we all had an exact date that we could write down in our calendar and know that after that day, no more pain. but it's just not that way. But time will heal, or so they say.

I guess asking the question was way pre-mature. The idea of seeking out any other person in my life actually makes me want to wretch. Not that I don't like women, I just can't stand the idea of participating in finishing off my marriage.

I know that I was a lousy husband for a long time, and I did a lot of things that tended to set up our current desperate situation, but I know that I never abandoned the marriage.

I guess I was just wondering... if someone does express an interest in me, how long till I should hate myself for feeling an ego boost and wanting the attention to continue from that new person?

I'm so hurt and angry that she would tear our family apart the way she is doing it. I'm so distraught that she will gladly admit that she's being totally selfish, but that she HAS to do it, for herself.

I'm just not ready to give up, but I don't know if there's anything left to do.

From my experience, the six month mark is really hard, and so is the day the divorce is final. After about a year or a year and a half, I began to have new hope.

Divorce will test everything you believe in, but try not to let it win. And dont get into a relationship because you are lonely, that only hurts them you and the kids.

but then that is my experience.

If someone does express interest, tell her that you are flattered but need to heal from the divorce. Tell her you may be interested though once you get your life back to where you want it. She will respect you for it.

Again, it is way too early to think about a new relationship.