how do i go about helping my mom through all this... i dont know what to do anymore it is like i am stuck in the middle between both parents and i dont want to hurt any of them... i am almost i ntears writing all this because i love them both so much.. i feel that if i take any sides i am going to lose one of them..

You can love both of your parents. Don't take sides, and if they put you in the middle, just let them know that it makes you uncomfortable.

The best way to help your mom is to make a nice life for yourself. That is what we moms want.

i just dont know how to go about it.. we seem to always be arguing over stuff... i dont want to do that with her.. plus sometimes i feel she doesnt want me around her i just want to sit and cry 24/7 because of that.

Arguing is very normal. Your job at this age is to pull away from your parents. That can be hard on the parent. I had a HORRIBLE time when I was your age, so I know how it is.

Start making smart choices. The time between now and when you are 25 is important because what you do now will effect the rest of your life.

okay ty... i just need to get my life together that way i can help my mom out.. i mean i cant move out because i have no where to go and have no job... i know exactly what you all are saying...

I can really relate to where you are coming from. When I was 17, my dad left my mom for the OW. It was horrible.

I was the oldest child and my mom depended on me.

I was the one that discovered the affair, too- accidentally.

I hated feeling like I was in the middle, too. Back then, people didn't seem to try to work on the marriage, they just moved on with the other person.

In any marriage there are issues that come up- no marriage is perfect. Both of your parents are responsible for the marriage up until the time of the affair.

At the time of the affair, your dad made a bad choice. If he no longer wanted to married, he should have left the marriage before engaging in a relationship with another woman.

Now, what are you supposed to do?

You love both of them.

Your mom is fighting for her marriage and your family.

Your dad is fighting for what?

You can support her by not passing information about her to your father. You can support her by respecting her and not doing things you know are going to cause her pain.

You can be the best person you can be and that will take a lot of the pressure off of her. She wants what is best for her family. It is up to you to do the best you can to be the best person you can be.

Hon, you shouldn't get involved in thier fight, but you also should not condone your father's affair or associate with his mistress. She is not a good person as she helped break up your very own family. What your father has done is very wrong and very bad. And while he is your father and you should love him, it would not be right to condone what he has done or pretend like it is right. That would not be fair to your mother to condone the affair or to associate with the mistress who helped break up your family. That would be a betrayal to her.

The way that you can support her is to love her and help her through this very trying time. Losing your partner to an affair and a divorce is as devastating as the death of a child. Just consider that when you think about what has been done to your mother. She needs your love and support very much right now.

ty.... i will do that... i am so glad that you guys are here... you all are helping me tremendously... i appreciate it very much and my mom does too.

One thought: your mother might be irritated with you when she is upset about her own situation -- just like I tend to get irritated with my dog when I'm preoccupied with a problem. It's not that I don't care for the dog ... just not ... please, dog, not right now.

It's important not to take it personally, and just go off and read a book or something till your mother is ready to interact with you again.

Being emotionally independent will be a big help for her.

aam,

LOL, bad dog, leave me alone, I am having a moment!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Okay, back to subject.

Okla2, what Melodylane said is sooooo right.

You can love your dad, but not what he is doing. Don't try to be in with him so you can be with him.

I don't know how else to explain this. Why do you kids seem to think that your what your dad is doing is okay? It is not okay.

You can love him, but let him know what he is doing is not okay. If you let him know it is okay, it is just going to hurt the family, and your mom, who so much wants for their marriage to work and has changed so much, tried so hard.

And okay, I will say it. You need to apologise to your mom for calling ow MOM. Wrong. That hurt her so much.

Could you tell us what it is about your dad that you all would do this to your mom? Is it just that your dad wasn't there that much and had so much support from your mom that you think he is all that? Don't mean to be mean, just asking what is up. Why are you and your brother's so afraid of telling your dad he might be wrong?

Talk to us. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Love in Christ,
Miss M

i am afriad to tell my dad because i am scared that he will never talk to me again. i dont want that. i cant answer for my brothers. but as for myself i am just afraid of him and what he might do.. i dont know how too go about telling him anything anymore..

Isn't your Dad different now?

Do you feel that he is his NORMAL SELF?

Doesn't he seem different..like someone under the influence of a drug or alcohol?

bump^

Love in Christ,
Miss M

no he is not himself anymore... i dont know what his problem is... he has been buying me stuff and taking us out to lunch... he really never did that before... but dont get me wrong when he is not around his nw (new woman) he is the same erson towards us kids but when he around her everything is all peaches and cream... i dont know what to do anymore...

It must be really hard for you to deal with this, I hope others post to you with better advise than I have. I just think it is really sad that you kids are afraid to let him know how wrong he is.

Why would you believe that your father would not speak to you or have anything to do with you if you told him what he is doing is wrong?

Come on everyone, help!!!!

Love in Christ,
Miss M

So don't you see that the NW has a "Spell" on him..

What if you believed me if I say it is an EVIL SPELL?

Would you approach this any differently?

I am sure you wouldn't be having these fears if you only saw your dad and not this strange character he has become (which we call WS), right? If so, you and your brother along with many others are in the same boat as your mom.

So the WS has expanded his circle of contempt to more than just your mom. It is a bad circle to do this to anyone. You children are not protected from this WS though you mom has tried.

One thing we have found, when a person allows themselves to become a WS as your dad has the method others choose to deal with him as a WS becomes very different than if he was your real dad. You do see the 2 personalities, right?

So here's suggestion:

1. When he acts like your dad, you act like his daughter and show him the love you have for him as your father.

2. When he acts like the WS (or stranger character) you do like you were told and DON'T talk to strangers.

Example of speaking to a WS:

WS: H2, you'd better be nice to the OW. She told me to buy you a new laptop.

H2 (that's u <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> and let's say you really want a laptop): Excuse me? The OW is not my friend and I don't except anything from strange people....isn't that what you taught me?

WS: OW isn't strange.

H2: Really......that seems to be how myself and many others see her. How come you don't? (then walk away)

See as a child even when you deal with a WS he is inhabiting your father's body and by that stance alone you have to give him 'some' respect but you don't have to cower to him because he is a WS.

I post to your mom a lot about a technique called reverse babble. The general purpose of reverse babble is to give back the guilt and hurt the WS trys to put on others. It is hard for the BS (your mom) to do her husband but the WS is not acting like her husband and even now he isn't acting like your dad. So this method (while it takes some adjusting to) can be a tool to help you learn how to give the manipulation, guilt and pain back to the WS.

When this is done, the WS often acts childish....some even throw a tantrum. But the effect has it's results. The person (you, your mom, etc.) will not walk away with as much guilt and hurt as originally intented by the WS.

See your dad doesn't have full control of himself when he acts as a WS. This is sad but should not be excused or allowed. You and your family are better than that. You and your family deserve to be treated with respect.

If your real dad saw someone else treat you as he has been treating you, what do you think he would do?

Think about that last question when you face him and it will give you the strength to NOT allow the WS to use you to enable his affair.

It is good to see you posting. Hope we can help.

take care,
L.

First of all, I hope you are supportive of your mom. You are here first asking questions about a much older man...and an inappropriate relationship I might add.

Giving you a navigator? Honey I used to have one. You couldn't afford the gas at your age right now. That is a gift for SERVICES TO BE RENDERED..and that is that.

You should end contact with this person asap.

And as with your dad, your dad is definitely a WS. I talk to your mom alot. She can tell you about me. Your dad is out there hon and is ONLY THINKING OF HIMSELF right now. His whole universe is temporarily centered around "What P wants and what P perceives as he needs". That's it. And he is doing that too with regards to his kids. If you can't support his new lifestyle, then to the curb it is!

But is this what A REAL AND LOVING FATHER OR MOTHER WOULD DO? Would a loving father or mom force feed an immoral person to their kids? Would a loving father or mom leave their family in financial ruin, force the stay at home mom to have to work NOT JUST ONE...BUT TWO JOBS...just to make ends meet? Would a loving father or mom leave home and leave all the bills at home too? And would a loving father and mother AFTER HAVING LEFT THEIR FAMILY give their FINANCIAL AND EMOTIONAL SUPPORT TO SOMEBODY ELSE AND TO THAT OP'S KIDS?

NOOOOOO!

It isn't right. It is against God's laws, karma, laws of universe..every dogma imaginable. It is unthinkable. Yet it happens all the time. My xh did it. nobody knows why. is he happy? heck no. is my ds confused? yes! but my ds knows who has his heart...me. who has ds's best interest always...me! And my ds is loving, and 100 percent although he's just seven, helpful and wonderful to me.

You need to realize ALL YORU MOM DOES..and how she feels low rigt now. She needs encouragement and support.

Your dad? He needs encouragement to SUPPORT HIS REAL FAMILY. He's a jerk. He is a selfish jerk.

And sadly, I am helping your mom grow. If this man doesn't wake up...one day some very kind and nice gentleman, who DOES VALUE FAMILY AND MARRIAGE...might come along and it would be a sad day for a man like your dad to wake up...realize HE LOST EVERYTHING FOR A CHEAP CHEAP WOMAN...and that the real woman and life and kids he so deeply loved...are now surrounded by the love of another man. It can happen. I just hope and pray your dad doesn't do that too late.

You can show love to your Dad. When your dad respects YOUR boundaries as a child. What boundaries? Well there are legal ones for starter. NO parent is supposed to spend the night under same roof as adult of opposite sex when the kids are in the home. That is standard legal language. So if your dad wants you to spend the night...say "it's ok...as long as D goes". You don't have to accept that. Even our court system sees it as immoral and damaging.

You don't have to like OW. Or pretend to do so. Who would anyway? She is the one who encouraged your dad to make stupid and foolish choices and encouraged him to FINANCIALLY AND EMOTIONALLY ABANDON YOU AND YOUR BRO'S AND SIS. You can see your dad and spend quality time alone with him WITHOUT THE D PRESENT...OW, D, IS low. Immoral and low.

You can work to having a loving relationship with your dad....but you gotta realize he is NOT behaving as your dad right now. Yep. He's a WS. And you will know that sometimes you will see your "real dad" there...in his eyes and in his voice...and other times you're gonna see the "alien WS" in his eyes, actions, and in his voice. You gotta learn who is who. Orchid is good at showing this.

You're mom is an incredible woman. Be THERE for her. BE GOOD FOR HER. And BE GOOD TO YOURSELF.

at 19? You should be finding a way into college. Finding a life path. Focusing on where you wanna be in 10 years. How you will make a positive difference on this earth. How you will support yourself. How you will better yourself. College is a great place. If you want to date, DATE LIKE MINDED PEOPLE hon.

Now if YOU WANNA GET MEANINGLESS TOYS and bling...YOU CAN DO WHAT MY XH'S WIFEY NOW ...yea, the immoral golddigging ow did. You can have relationships with men and accept trinkets for life. She never attained an education. She majoried instead in a "ME degree". She is an imbecile. She has jumped from man to man...and when she couldn't rely on a man, she lived with other "models" in an apartment. She is a predator. A leech. A parasite.

She can never obtain self worth, real happiness, or esteem. Why? She never EARNED IT HERSELF. She stole from other people's boyfriends...men...and lastly, my family.

that is the story of the life of a woman who lets men support her. sad sad story with which will have an even sadder ending.

who will you be?

I pray that you will want to become a woman who chooses life on her terms...and that you do nto pick the easy rode in life...but the worthwhile one. That you endeavor to find a job that betters your fellow man. That you through the process of getting a real education, find yourself..and find real meaning and truth in life.

I wish you these things...and wisdom with lots of love too.

Your mom wishes these same goals for you also. She is an amazing woman.

deleted

H, if your dad would never talk to you unless you accepted his sleazy affair then that would be emotional blackmail, wouldn't it? Now, do you really think your father would blackmail you like that? I hope not, but if he did, you wouldn't want to reward him. And you should let him know that you cannot be bought off for a little attention [that you deserved anyway] and a free lunch. Your price is higher than that.

You don't have to lecture your dad, but it would be helpful FOR HIM if you let him know how very disappointed in him that he has chosen to have an affair and do this to your family. Let him know that you won't be around his mistress [she is not a "new woman" but an old who*e] as her presence is abhorrent. Tell your dad this.

And never be in her presence.

THAT is love, hurtin. If you love your father, you don't condone his wrongdoing, you don't accept it. BECAUSE YOU LOVE HIM. When you love someone, you don't accept them at their WORST and sit there while they are destroying themselves. That is called ENABLING and is not love. Alot of people think that saying cute nice words is "love" but it is not. So don't be fooled by that.

This woman is your enemy, hurtin, please keep that in mind. She is MEAN and does not have your best interest in mind, but only HER own interests. Her goal is to destroy your family and take away your father so she and her kids can have him. She aint your friend, dear. She is trying to befriend you so she can more easily take your father away. So please don't be fooled by her phony nice words, she is anything BUT nice.