Hi all I'm new here and having a marriage crisis. This is long so please bear with me. My husband and I have been seperated for almost a year now. About 6 months ago we decided to reconcile, however we are thousands of miles apart. A couple of months after he filed for divorce I kissed and came very close to having sex with another man. When we started talking 6 months ago I didn't tell him about that incident. There was no relationship, as a matter of fact I stopped talking to him because he got angry because I wouldn't have sex with him. Any way last night my husband asked me if I had been involved with another man since the split, he told me that he could handle it and he already had something figured in his mind. So I told him. Now, naturally, he is upset and doesn't want to continue working on our marriage. At the time of this incident even though our divorce wasn't final I never thought in a million years that we would reconnect. I left in April, came back for some things a week later and found another woman's clothes in my house, and he filed for divorce in June. He later told me that he moved out to avoid any conflict and let someone else move in. I didn't believe that but eventually I forgave him and brushed it uner the rug. I don't want to lose him and don't know what to do to keep him. If it had ever crossed my mind that we would have a future I never would have done it. I also feel like he's being a little harsh considering what he did and the fact that I didn't sleep with the man. Anybody who has any advice I'd greatly appreciate it.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I'm so happy that you did the honorable thing and told the truth. That will be better for your marriage than anything.

This is very new to your husband and I'm sure he is very hurt. I would apologize, and give him some time to process it.

Welcome to MB. Sorry you have to be here...but you're in the right place if you want support and advice.

Is your D final? What led to your separation? Kids? The more details you provide, the better advice you'll get.

How long was your relationship with the other man (OM)? Are you still in contact? It might have been a long time ago for you, but if your H just found out, it will take him a while to process.

Anger is a normal reaction. He'll probably say things that he might regret later.

No the divorce isn't final. I never responded and he never did anything further. We were told if we didn't want to proceed we didn't have to do anything but I found out through the courts that it's still "out there" and that he would have to write a letter withdrawing his petition. We seperated due to abuse and his relationship with another woman (affair undetermined but there were many signs). We have one child, he's 2 1/2. The relationship with the OM lasted about a month. We don't talk because he got mad at me when I wouldn't have sex with him. He thought it was his right because he had been my shoulder to cry on. I understand that he's upset but what I don't understand is that I've put up with so much more bs from him and I was still willing to give him chance after chance. Part of me thinks it's an excuse. And I know I was still married and I acknowledge the fact that I should have waited but I honestly thought it was over for good that time.

So should I step back and let him start healing or assert myself to let him know how much I love him and I would never intentionally hurt him?

How much reading have you done on this site, the basic concepts, plan A and plan B, etc?

Seems like you both have several issues to deal with. At least the D is not final, you are still married, and you are here, asking questions and posting. All of that is good!

You have a lot of work ahead of you if you want to make your M work. But the good news is that you can do it and you'll get lots of support here.

You need to find a way to be together. Long distance marriages are never easy to maintain.

Have you read Surviving an Affair?

Did you husband admit to his affair?

Has he established no contact with the other person?

I'm still checking out the site. No he never admitted to his affair, and for a long time I had a problem with that but I got over it. No he doesn't have contact with her anymore.

We're trying, at least until this incident we were trying. It's not so cut and dry because he's not a US citizen. He was in the process but had to leave after we split.

He wants to work this out. What a relief. I am so grateful to him for that. Now, I don't want to smother him, so what's the right way to go about it?

Back up a bit. What kind of abuse was there?

There was physical and emotional abuse. I'm sure the big question is why would I go back to him if he hit me and talked down to me and the answer is I believe he has truly changed.