I've been getting bad vibes again for the past couple of weeks. He's been working rather late every night and going into the office in the weekends. He always calls me from his desk phone to let me know that he's really there, but there are many hours of unaccounted for time that he could be up to something. I hate feeling this suspicious, but I can't shake this bad feeling. I've tried talking to my husband about it, but he always says that he's just stressed about work, nothing is "going on" and he's too tired to talk about anything "serious". This morning I turned into my evil spying wife persona (who I really hate, btw!) and looked in his coat pockets. I was looking for his cell phone to check the call list. I didn't find it, but I did find a key ring with a car key (not his) and two newly cut house keys (not to our house). My suspicious mind is of course jumping to all sorts of conclusions about these keys. The quesiton is, what do I do with this? Do I confront him about it? He'll only get defensive and be upset that I went into his pockets. If it really is something to worry about, I'm sure he won't give me the straight truth about it.

I really hate all of this! I have no idea what to do anymore and I just feel so frustrated!

Take the keys and put them in another place. Don't say anything and let him wonder where he left it. If he asks, give him a poker face. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> When he asks where are his keys, go find his regular keys and give it to him. He will wonder about the 'other ones' but watch his face 'cuz he can't tell you about them, right? Be smart.....let him squirm...

He is playing a game with you and if you can play it back, it will soon help you find out if your suspicions are correct.

My hunch is something doesn't smell right.....sniff the air.....what else can you come up with?

L.

Orhid -- It's funny that you say that, because that was my first instinct! Other than that, I can try to check his cell phone at some point (I think he's keeping it in his car), but that's about it. He doesn't bring his laptop home anymore and he doesn't use my computers for anything but solitaire. But, I will keep my antennae up...

Trust your instincts, bronwyn, they are probably very right! I would keep snooping [and don't hate yourself for doing it, hate HIM for putting you in that position!] and don't accuse him until you have some real evidence. Be a super sleuth!

I wanted to add something to these great ideas as well.

Ask yourself some questions.

What does he do for a living? Could these be bosses car keys, new office keys? Could they have anything to do with work at all?

Don't ever fret about snooping, this is your husband. Not a roommate. One thing that let my husband and I keep going was coming to the understanding that "Whats mine is yours" should be the rule of thumb.

My purse, pockets, his coat, pants, the car the computers, EVERYTHING is free game. For both of us.

Privacy really shouldn't be an issue in marraige. When you say "Til death do us part" it should be a given that since your lives are now "one" theres no corner or nook that is "All mine" You should at the very least be able to share stories, or talk about things.

I agree with taking the keys. Though I find it hard to act like I don't know about them. I've always had a difficult time with hiding things.

The scenario in my house would go something like this

>H digging in his pockets...looking for something<

"Honey whats wrong?"

H "I can't find these keys I had, have you seen them?"

"Oh, you mean the ones with the house and car keys on them?"

H "Yes, I need them (excuse here)"

"I'm sorry, but no. I need reassurance that they aren't for something else because of our history together. My own personal peace of mind"

H >if guilty< (hissy fit here)


I would stand very firm on the fact that I need reassurance, and if he wanted them back he could just take this great chance to prove me wrong and show me what they go to. Let me try the keys in them. Then I would offer up a reward if I WAS wrong, for example I would make his favorite dinner...with a gingerbread cake after etc.

If he was guilty there would be no way on this green earth he would take me to where they go. But he also wouldn't let it rest because I now have the keys. I would give him back the keychain without the new keys on it. He would then be forced to tell whoever he was with that his WIFE has keys to her house and car.

Not a pretty situation for him to be in.

If I am wrong, and I end up looking silly thats where the reward comes in. Not only does it give him the chance to prove himself to you, in a real world way. (which honestly doesn't come very often, not in a put your hands on it way)

But it also shows HIM that even though you're still insecure and suspicious (For good reason)...you're a big enough person to say "I was wrong"

Just some thoughts,
Snuggles

Stay up later than him tonight, and go get his phone out of the car. If he keeps it out of the way, you can bet it will tell you what you need to know.

Trust your gut instincts and do some snooping. Don't confront him until you are sure.

Well, I checked his phone and saw there was one call to her (OW) last night. I confronted him about it and his explanation was that he needed a work-related phone number from her. On a Saturday night?! I repeated my request for NC and he again refused saying that it would look "weird" if he couldn't contact her for work reasons and he was worried about his job security (they don't work in the same company, but they have a lot of mutual professional contacts). While it is true that his income is vital at this point (he got us into a lot of debt that we're just starting to crawl out of), I don't buy the supposition that cutting off contact with the OW would somehow risk his job. So, I am just going to keep plugging away at this point until he finally sees the light (or I get fed up). Now, I spoke to the OW a few weeks ago and she claims that she is happily attached to a new boyfriend and has no romantic interest in WH, but I am still wary of any contact between them. Until my husband lets go of her completely, we have no hope of any kind of recovery. He says that he only thinks of her as a friend, but I don't feel like that's the case.

You have no hope of recovery while there is contact.

Let's see - you have been married for 2 years, and he has had 2 affairs, and put you way into debt. You can't trust him, and he is too "tired" to talk about it.

I think I would start thinking about Plan B.

Well, we've been living together for 5 years (after 2 years of "courtship"), which at the time we both (supposedly) agreed was a full committment in of itself. We'd both been married before, so we didn't want to be dependent on a piece of paper to validate the relationship. We started talking about marriage when we started talking about having a baby (I got pregnant one year and one miscarriage later) and we ended up getting married when I was nearly 5 months along (we lost the baby in the 3rd trimester). This is why I'm still here -- we have a 7 year total history, he is the father of my first child and despite everything I still really do love him. But I am not going to be a complete idiot about it and I do have a back-up plan ready to be put into action. In my case there will be no "Plan B". If I don't get an agreement for NC along with a committment to the recovery process from him soon, then I will be making a complete and final break. If I were 5 years younger or we had living children I might feel differently, but as it is, I don't have a lot of time to waste. I just want to make sure that this back-up plan really is the last resort.