I just filed for divorce last week and it's killing the both of us. When we met and decided to get married we thought it would be forever, we never thought that we would be getting a divorce. After we got married I went back to NY and she went back to Texas till we could get up the money to get our own place. I trasfered to a Resort on the beach down south and got our first apartment. Later I lost my job and my pay droped 3 dollars, she had to get a job right away to help me out. That lasted about 9 months and after the 2 jobs she quit she didn't find another one. That was over a year ago. And with all this extra time on her hands she was spending alot of time on the computer.



We finally moved in with her mother to try and get out of debt. She said we could stay here for about 6 months but I talked her into a year since it was over 26,000 dollars in debt. My wife once again tried (not very hard) to get a job and after about 7 months of being here still didn't find anything. She had gone on this site called MySpace because she had saw something on TV about it and rememberd she had an account on there she hasn't visited since last sept. She loged on and saw that an ex boyfriend had writen her to see how she was doing. She wrote him back and he gave her his cell phone number. One night when I had to work she and her friend Jessica wanted to go to this bar to see a local band play. She called her ex up to see if he wanted to go to catch up since they haven't seen eachother in 6 years, and he said he had plans. Well he showed up anyway. The next thing you know it her friend jessica said she had to leave at 11:00 and asked if it was ok if her ex could take her home. Well they both got drunk and her friend jessica told her she wanted to see them kiss. She said she did just to get her friend to shut up and stop asking and didn't get home till 4:30 that morning. I guess they were just talking the whole time from what she says. They hadn't seen eachother in 6 years and when they were dateing it was only for a month and they had only had sex twice in that time. He told her the reason he broke up with her was because he could not compete with her ex boyfriend Ken that she had just gotten out of a 2 year realionship with and had been engaged too. I guess he felt that he was just a rebound and that she had talked about Ken all the time.



I thought she might of done something with him that night but a few days later after she was off. (that time of the month) we ended up having sex and I knew she didn't do anything. Well the next night after her night out with him she wouldn't give me our cell phone when I was off to work. He called her at 11:30 and wasn't off the phone with him till 5:30am. If she's just trying to catch up with an old friend like she said then why would she need to be on the phone with him for 6 hours. The next morning when her mom got up to go to work and saw she was still on the phone she went in there to get it from her since she is paying for it and they got in a fight. My wife bit her and drew blood it was pretty bad. But her mom did have her pined down on the bed and was almost breaking her arm, so they were both at fault. Her mom told her she wanted her out of her house and out of her life and never wanted to see her again.



Ofcourse I wasn't due home for another hour and a half. So she called her ex up and told him what happend. He asked if she wanted him to come pick her up because he had the whole day off. She left me a note telling me and said don't think anything bad but my mom wants me out and I just needed to leave, he was the only one I could call. When I called her to talk to her at 7:30 she said she would be home later on. I guess he came to pick her up at 6:30am and she didn't get home that night till 9:30. I was asleep and all my cloths were packed up. The closet was empty on my side and I had, had enough. I was sure at this point she had done something with him. Even if she didn't she didn't come to me with her probelm like she should have. She called him.


The next morning when I got up I went out to try and start my car to see if it would make the trip back home. She came out and was asking me what's up and the next thing you know we are mutual agreeing on getting a divorce. She said she didn't want it to come to this but it is. She said we've been fighting for a long time now and why not just end it now insted of being miserable for the rest of our lives. Of course I don't remember who started the convo but now it's all my fault and I am the one leaving her. Funny how the it's always the guys fault in the end.


The next week we went to file, a day or so later she called him again because she knew she would never see him for a long [censored] time. He came to pick her up at around 12:30 and she got home that night at 9:00. I'm pretty sure she didn't have sex with him only because I've had to go threw her stuff in the past to find out the truth and I had gotten a hold of her journal. She had writen that he had asked to have sex with her but she said that it wouldn't be right and that she is still legally married and that she's still in love with me. He told her "well then I guess you'll have a reason to come home then" Obviously all this guy wants is sex. With all the text messages and voice mails me and her mom have been leaving him he finally broke down and said he was out of the picture and if it costed him loosing a friend then so be it. He just doesn't want anyamore text messages or voice mails. So I don't think he will contact her again and she will see how much he really didn't care about her.


She left 2 days ago to go and move in with her aunt and uncle about 2 hours away from here. They told her that she would have a crufue of midnight and that she wouldn't be spending all her free time on the computer or on the phone, she would help out around the house and earn her keep and that she would go out and get a job. I just hope that her time out there by herself with the responsabiltys that she has will help her to grow up. She's written me a letter telling me how sorry she was about everything. She told me that she never thought she would have any feelings seeing her ex again. She just thought he would like the music and invited him to see the band. She didn't think that he would be saying all these sweet things to her. I had found a letter that she wrote to him saying that she had thought alot about what they had talked about and she does want to be with him but she wanted him to wait for her because she didn't even know when she would be able to come back home and get her own place. And that she did still love me and didn't know how long it would take for her to get over me. I don't know if she's just completly confused or if she just needs to have a man in her life all the time. Her dad left when she was only 2 years old so I'm sure that has alot of reason to do with it but I keep telling her that being alone will help her to grow. I've been single for 2 years before and it changed alot about what I feel is important and what isn't. In the letter she did write me after she moved out she had told me that she will always love me and always miss me so much, she said she doesn't expect me to ever forgive her for what she has done and wouldn't expect me to take her back. But sometimes I think if she really did change and really did grow up and realize that you don't act like this when your married then I think maybe it would work out. I really don't know, I mean she did say she wishes it didn't take her getting kicked out and getting a divorce to wake up to what she had been doing. Can this woman ever change. She's 25 now and I'm 26. I would think after the marriage she would have gotten rid of her old ways but it just seems like her friends are always going to be more important to her than her family or her own husband. Sorry this was so long but in order to really understand everything we've been going threw I had to put it all there. I am still in love with her and I am a very forgiving person I do miss her alot and it's so hard that all of this is happening. Please Help.......



UPDATE! It's been about 6 days now since my wife has left to live at her aunts and uncles. I finally broke down and called her to see how she was doing. She asked if I was physic because she was just thinking of me calling her and when I asked why she hadn't called me yet she said she had not asked to use the phone at all and had only gone online twice in the last week and only for about 5 mins to check her mail, which is true cuz I was on one day when she signed on and she only took time to read my e-mails and that was it. I asked why she hadn't tryed to contact her ex and she said she did try to call him when she was leaving on her cousins cell phone but he didn't pick up, she also said that she wrote him an e-mail but he did not respond and she didn't care either way. She told me that those feelings for him were stupid and she just felt that with all the bad things that were going on in her life she needed something to hold on to and her heart was crying out for it. When I asked her if those feelings were still there she told me NO. She did tell me that she was just hoping this whole thing was a dream and she wants to just wake up and everything be back to normal. She also told me that she misses me so much and is still in love with me and that she had even thought about objecting to the divorce before it's final. I don't know if she truly knows what she wants or not and I don't know what to do. All I know is that I am moving back to NY in 2 weeks and have already transfered with my job and everything. This is the third time now that she has gotten drunk and kissed a guy that was with her and after the second time she promised me she wouldn't drink anymore and was sober for 11 months till her old friends started callin her up and coming over. I don't know if being away from her old life will make her change or not. Any advice at all????

Why do so many people read my story then not even reply. Is this not a seirous question????

Hi Mikey. I read your post. Am at work now so can reply only in spurts, but I did want to welcome you. I'd also like to suggest that you edit your post and break it up into paragraphs for easier reading.

You'll get replies...the weekends are a little slower.

The number of page views doesn't equal reading your story.

I suspect that the majority of people behaved like I did when they saw you post, lots of text, no paragraphs, tried to read it, got lost at the 3rd line and quit.

Break it up into small pieces and I'll bet you get some more interest.

It's hard to take in in it's current format.

Thanks for the advice and welcoming me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mikey - do you think she'd consider attending marriage counseling with you?

My first impressions are that she's very immature and not ready for a committed relationship. Is that how you're feeling too?

I do belive her when she does tell me she's in love with me and that I am the best thing that's ever happend to her an doesn't want to loose me but sometimes I wonder if she was ready for all of this or if she just thinks we rushed in too much.

She told me the last time I was going to leave that she wanted to change and I had asked her if she would consider counseling and even said I would go with her if she wanted me too and she said "Why bother all I am gonna do is talk about my mother and all she did to me growing up"

did I mention that she suffers from depression, she was on paxil when we met, she didn't like taking it because anyone that has had to take an anti depresent knows it changes you amd turns you into a zombie. Besides once she ran out of her pills our insurance ran out and they were never filled again.

Ok Mikey,

I took the time and read your story. The way I see it, you guys have been through alot and you are both probably feeling a bit shaky and insecure. She is turning to someone else instead of you. If I were you, I would wrap her up in your arms and tell her you want to be with her and you love her. ASK her not to talk with him (dont forbid it or you might push her away) and give her your time to listen to why she feels she cant turn to you. She is sad and maybe immature, but I think she loves you alot, or she would be gone already.

People give up WAY to easily (myself included). If you love her, work hard for your relationship. I think she really wants YOU, but is grasping for something to hold on to. Make that "something" YOU!

just my opinion...and good luck....dont get divorced until you can no longer think of any other option. you will regret it 6 mths or 1 yr later

I think the reason she didn't turn to me is because ever since we moved in with her mom she thinks I side with her mom all the time and belive everything her mom tells me about her. Her mother would say things like "Ya'll need to get a divorce" everytime we would fight about something or she wouldn't try really hard to get a job. That's all her mom has ever wanted since we got together, just cuz her marriage didn't work doesn't mean ours can't.

If that is true, then I would go pick up your wife and drive far away from the unsupportive family of hers. Talk alot, allow yourself to be vulnerable, and start new. She needs to know that a man isnt going to leave her. Im sure she is just grabbing for straws right now.

Go to her, tell her you love her, you want her, you dont want to leave and get divorced. Tell her mom to never say the D word again. Both of you get jobs, and start making your life again. Ask her what she wants out of her life. What is her biggest fear, what are her dreams and hopes, and then make it your point in life to make sure her fear doesnt happen, and her dreams do. She doesnt want to be alone, and her ex will just hurt her.....you have the commitment right now from her. DO NOT LET IT GO

it's hard right now seeing as her mom kicked her out of the house last week and she's at her aunts 2 hours away. The only way I would be able to see her again is if her aunt drove her here to her mothers house and I don't think they want to see eachother anytime soon.

in fact me and her mom had it out last night over the phone when she found out I broke down and called my wife on Saturday afternoon. She told me I need to leave her alone and that she's not going to learn her lesson or realize what she did was wrong if I am there for her and give into her.

take a bus, get a ride, use the phone.....

how old are you and your wife?

the mother has WAY to much influence on you two. go go go away from anyone who doesnt support what you want

I turned 26 in October and she just turned 25 in November, and yes her mom butt's in WAY too much.

you guys are old enough. I still say, get your own place (together) and put your noses to the grind stone. All this external noise (her friend, mother, aunts) is just getting in the way.

the longer you wait, the further she will go away from you. i think she is looking for you to be the rock she never had in her life.

i love this site, so much more positive then the other fourm I was on where everyone just made fun of me and told me I'm crazy

what if I give in too soon and she just thinks that I am always going to be here and keeps hurting me over and over again.

Mike, I read your story and because of the feedback people gave you it inspired me to keep trying until my wife officially hands me the divorce papers.

DON'T GIVE UP!
Keep your head up!
You will not give in too soon, think of the positives of your relationship.

Take up a hobby, do something you always wanted to do then it gives you the space to be you within the relationship.

If you are positive and you can get her to be then you will both work at it. If you look at the negatives then it ain't worth getting out of bed in the morning - I've learn't that much.

all I can think of is the positives in our relationship that's why it's so hard on me, her mom will never understand that. She just say's "So then remember the good times and move on" this lady really needs to mind her own bussiness.

Mikey

Quote from SVAN:
"the mother has WAY to much influence on you two. go go go away from anyone who doesnt support what you want"

My mum can be influential but I've learned how to not let her be. Thank her mom for her advice but take a step back and think about you and your wife. If you love her then no matter what anyone else says... you will still love her. I read somewhere that external people always have an agenda when it comes to divorce. It sounds like her mom doesn't like her own daughter.

Next time she says something bad about her daughter, thank her and walk away. Over time she may realise you are not interested. Think about your good times and don't let this woman influence your attitude towards YOUR marriage.

Good Luck!!!