I have written to at least ten women and ALL but one never said "No thank you"...they just said NOTHING!

A couple of women have written to me that I wasn't interested in and I replied to each of them. One of them even wrote back and asked why and I politely explained my reasons...that was the end of it.

Do online dating guys go SO ballistic when "rejected" that it is simply easier for women to just ignore them or is the online dating world MUCH ruder than I thought? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

It's like finding a job...don't rely on one method..you gotta NETWORK! Ha Ha

WNB

Yeah, the world of internet dating. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> Requires a thickened skin.

You're right that it boils down to rudeness but I think people are using the fact that the internet is anonymous to not get involved in something that makes them uncomfortable.

In other words they make it easier on themselves by not doing the polite thing by responding when not interested. IMO it is rude, lazy & shows a lack of character.

I like that match now has a "not interested" reply button, but as you say, it is seldom used.
Some people are so far out of my sphere that I won't even respond "no thanks".
And for those who write who are just "separated" I don't reply - rather than give them my tirade as to why they shouldn't be on a dating site (although I've been very tempted).

Hi Cyber-buddy: I guess since I don't like being the "bearer of bad news or negative reactions" - I would find it hard to give a "No Thank You". And for me if I was doing the internet dating search I probably would prefer not to have some guy reply with a "No THank You" - I'd prefer no response at all. See why we truly all are different...

Hugs

WNB -- I used Match and Yahoo Personals for 4 mths. During that time I was totally slammed with interest. I started out politely...responding to all. Responding "no thanks" only encouraged obnoxious guys.

I was surprised by how many guys emailed despite obvious incompatibility or particular requirements I had set out.

Quite frankly, I wanted to spend my time corresponding with potential compatibles, rather than continually fending off livewires who won't take no for an answer, or who either didn't bother to read requirements or just plain ignored them. Yes, sometimes very nice guys also wind up getting the silent treatment on dating sites; it can be all about first/snap impressions.

nams says not responding is rude, lazy and shows lack of character. I think that blanket assessment isn't accurate. Just because someone decides to utilize an online dating site doesn't mean they're encouraging ALL interest. That would be like a single girl walking down the street having to acknowledge whistles and every attempt to get her attention with a "no thanks" and even an explanation if they press for reasons. I don't feel I "owe" all dating site emailers ANYthing.

WNB, this may help. One guy got my attention in a very nice way - I hadn't responded to his initial email. He emailed again, saying he figured I was getting enundated with attention, he realized being new to a dating site could be a little overwhelming, and he hoped I would write when I had time. I appreciated his understanding and we emailed quite a bit after that.

Back in the deep dark ages, I had a whacko man contact me as the result of a profile (it's been several years) and I KNEW he was whacko. He used to be my next-door neighbor. I had talked to his wife who told me about some of the things he had done. So, I knew he was nuts. I never responded to him because I didn't want to open a dialogue. Didn't want to give him ANY opportunity to communicate. I just blocked him and went on.

Then there was a time when I responded with a polite 'not interested' to a man and he sent me a scathing email.

There are nutcases out there. I have encountered them. So, unless I thought I might be interested in someone, I simply never replied. Because I was not willing to take the chance that this guy was a nutcase.

I know most men aren't but there are some who are. And the same goes for women.

I don't respond when I am not interested either, it just seems to open up unwanted dialog.

I think we can all figure out if someone doesn't respond for a request to communicate they are not interested.

If someone responded to me with an actual not interested, I think it would hurt my feelings...I prefer to think he is too busy, or involved with too many people at the time to take on one more (even though I really know he is not interested). LOL

I certainly didn't intend to offend anyone & I'm sorry if I did.

I'm not suggesting carrying on a dialog with anyone, just the pre-made response is fine, most sites have them. I shows you did receive their contact & you've given it some thought & you're not interested. Think of it as not leaving the person hanging.

Yes, someone might write back thinking you've opened a door but at that point DO NOT respond.

There are all types out there & some will respond negatively whatever is done. I don't think not responding will eliminate that, some will be upset that you didn't respond.

I still think it's rude to not recognize the effort someone put into making contact. The lack of character & lack of courtesy comes from knowing someone is waiting to hear from you & you simply let them dangle wondering what's up. They can't read your mind to "know" you're not interested, just buck up & say so.

nams -- I understand your viewpoint, and I'm just clarifying why I disagree. We can happily agree to disagree.

Way I see it, I paid for the use of a dating site to find potential romantic interests, NOT to play polite politics with everyone who nodded my way. You mentioned it's rude not recognizing the effort someone put into making contact - well, sometimes it's really not that much effort on their part since there are also canned "icebreakers" in addition to the canned "no thanks" responses. The canned stuff is pretty clever, good business strategy.


I think I'm having a problem with this because it seems to imply that, let's say in my case, I must take actual responsibility for someone else's feelings...when I've been so happy learning to take responsibility for my own. Discourteous? Okay, I will acknowledge that, it can certainly seem, even be, discourteous not to respond to everyone. But lack of character? I really don't think silence on a dating site is indicative of lack of character. That seems really strong and overly condemning to me in the face of what I consider poor character to be (thievery, use of illegal drugs, lying, cheating, inability to remain employed).

If they're THAT interested, hey, they also have the option to inquire again.

That one guy with whom I corresponded was pretty upfront with what he'd learned during his time on the site. He said sometimes he played the "numbers game," would rip off a bunch of icebreakers based on pictures, and out of any who might reply THEN he'd consider investigating their profiles more. Now that's a different twist, isn't it. In that case, who is really being discourteous by your standards?

Sometimes a "no thanks" wasn't exactly what I wanted to convey. I only concentrated on 2 or 3 potentials at a time...dating sites do seem to BE a numbers game in the beginning no matter how thinly or thickly sliced. If/when those potentials fell through, I'd consider others who'd expressed interest...and I myself was taking a chance at that point - they may have already made a connection in the interim. Oh well, that's just the way of it.

I didn't send out many initial emails myself (and I can see how sites can be frustrating for guys as they tend to get the job of pursuing). From one I sent, I got a very nice email rejection - he'd just ran into an ex-girlfriend that same week and wanted to see if a rekindling was possible, otherwise, he would have been very interested. He asked if he might email me should that fall through and see if I was available and still possibly interested then. Well sure, was my reply (whew, he was cute! lol My bad luck), and I sent him best wishes and hopes for his happiness.

From my initial emails sent, I got one "no thanks." I'm with weaver, it hurt my feelings! I responded asking, gasp, why. He replied that I was very attractive, and although he may have made a mistake that would haunt him for the rest of his life, his decision surfaced amid a smoky haze of normal confusion. I immediately grasped the veiled reference to my smoking, and humorously pointed out his selection of "any" in that category. Touche', said he. We continued friendly flirting for awhile, both knowing it was highly unlikely we'd date. Then we got back to the reason we were there, finding people and compatibility we were really interested in, and dating site life continued on our separate tracks.

Nams...I am with you. I do understand there are real whackos out there, but that doesn't drive the way we interact with real people does it? All sites have a "Block" function that SHOULD keep them off your back.

I guess you and I will have to agree to disagree with our esteemed colleagues! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi Laura, I actually hesitated to take such a strong stand on this because I saw you, in particular, were in the "other" camp. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

However...the reason I use the phrase lack of character is because I see rudeness as a lack of character not simply an isolated act.

As an example, if a man does not get back to me with a "no thank you but..." & then comes back to inquire if I'm still interested after a time I already know something about him. He didn't have the b...s to say no thank because he's one, not courteous enough & two, possibly he doesn't want to "be the bearer of bad news" therefore lacking in nerve. Two traits I find unattractive. There are certainly case by case exceptions but over all I have gotten some information by his lack of action.

This tells me he's rude, or at least not courteous enough to not keep me dangling, & therefore, lacking the nerve/b...s, the character to care enough to let a person know where they stand. It may be a minor flaw but a flaw none the less. I guess it's right up there with knowing you've been given too much change at a store & keeping it. You don't deserve to burn in ****** but you know it's not right & it speaks to who you are.

So on a character scale, not to get back on a dating site is at one end & murderer is WAY far down the other end.

The fact that feelings may get hurt is not reason enough to not say no thank you. No one wants to be rejected but it's important to know that this person, for whatever reason, will not be part of your dating experience. The canned icebreakers & no thank yous don't have be be an exact reflection of why you're not interested, just a way for people to know to move on. It's up to the individual to provide more as to their reasons if they want to.

I don't think you're having to take responsibility for another's feelings. How can you? What they do with the no thank you is their business. You've simply let them know you won't be contacting them so they can go forward from there without wondering what's up. Closure if you will.

I think it's interesting you contacted someone who had said no thanks. You have every right to wonder why but they, just like you, don't need to go into detail if they so choose. Nobody "owes" anybody the why, but to provide that if asked is going the extra step. The intentions have been made clear with the no thank you, time to close that door & move on.

Your example of the guy who wasn't interested due to the fact you smoke is an interesting one. He said no thank you, you wanted to know why. He was courteous enough, had enough character to buck up & tell you why, knowing you might be disappointed. Don't you think better of him for having taken the time to respond to you? You even got to have a little fun with him. It's all because he cared enough, had the character, to respond & not leave you wondering.

And, yes, WSnowBS we can respectfully agree to disagree with our beloved MB friends. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

This is why internet dating is abhorrent...it DOES encourage one to be rude because of the relative anonymity.

Try to image how you would behave in a public place and a person expressed interest.

Since I have been separated, I have been approached by a couple of women. I was VERY polite to both and thanked them for their interest. I know how hard it is to take that risk and I appreciate their bravery.

I don't think most women in these situations have an appreciation for that and feel like they have a license to be rude (Get lost, loser).

I saw a TV show not long ago where a woman dressed up as a man and attempted to meet women in coffee shop...all on video. The women routinely slammed "him". The woman went to the restroom and changed into her female attire and came back to discuss the encounters with the women. Every one of them were affable to the woman and apologized for their previous rude behavior (If I had only known...)

So, there is a sense of entitlement to be rude simply because they have the power to be.

Interesting, no?

I don't feel a "sense of entitlement" to be rude. I simply did not have time to respond to every wink, icebreaker and email I received. Sorry guys, I just don't think it's rude to concentrate on where my interest potentially DID lie rather than where it did not. I was paying to find connections, not win a Ms. Nice 2006 award.

I just pulled up my Match account. In 4 mths time, my profile was viewed 2200 times. Emails over 30 days old are auto deleted from the system, so I can only accurately report the final PARTIAL month. I received 82 - NEW - emails. I don't have time, people. So I suppose label me rude all you want. I don't agree, but I'd rather wear a judgmental label than scramble around trying to cater to a bunch of strangers when I've got other stuff needing my attention too, like my daughters, work, sleep, home chores, etc. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

I understand why you did what you did. The internet dating medium forces this behavior. That's why I, personally, don't like it becasue it FORCES you to behave in ways that would be considered rude IRL.

I'm not criticizing your behavior...I'm just saying I think internet dating is fundamentally flawed.

I can, however, suggest an improvement.

Why don't you develop a "rule" for your email that acknowledges the receipt of the mail and briefly states that you appreciate their interest. You don't have to commit to a personal response. Let your computer do the work for you. Many times people just want to know that they're not being completely ignored...nothing is worse than being invisible.



Laura...read the above carefully. Imagine how it might sound coming from a man you might be interested in...

Low

I'd think he was being time-conscious, pursuing another connection at the time, or simply not interested. I wouldn't think he was intentionally trying to hurt me, or dangle me. How could he be dangling me? That's a PRESUMPTION of interest where none has been established yet. I just see it entirely differently. If I initiate contact, I feel it's MY responsibility to mind my manners, not the other way around. If I hear nothing back, no sweat...I just keep looking.

(I do agree it's fundamentally flawed. I made some connections but nothing I wanted to pursue long-term...so is that considered semi-successful, or totally unsuccessful? lol. All the interest was overwhelming but a nice ego stroke, I guess. Okay, how about this, if I go that route again I'd be willing to add some kind of general statement to my profile so there's less dangling.)

I whole heartedly agree.

The problem I have is after making a connection, meeting someone and starting to date...do you just pull yourself off of the dating site? Or keep your profile active and keep talking to other guys, with the possibility of meeting them too?

This is a real problem for me, I don't know what the correct way to handle it is...haven't started going steady yet, but you might...so are you still available to receive communication and new posibilities? I guess I am only able to date one guy at a time, but it seems like guys are comfortable dating more than one girl at a time.

What does everyone think about this?

I think you should treat it just like real life.

Think about why you want that exclusive commitment. Do you expect that from your date?

I think it's healthy to keep your options open during the dating phase...so I guess that means keeping the profile up.

If I was a guy and a woman took herself off the market when we started dating...that would scare me. That signals something I'm not ready for.

Low

Thanks Low. I think I worry too much about the guy whom I am dating's feelings, when I should be looking out for myself and keeping the options open until he has asked me for exclusivity.

[color:"green"]Weaver, why not ask him for exclusivity? I would say that you have been dating for a few months and/or sleeping with him then asking for that is not too much to expect. I certainly would not be with a guy and sleeping with him if I suspected he was still seeing other women at the same time. (ewwwww)

Nams, How can it possibly be rude not to reply. Do you say everything that comes into your head, or do you screen it for how offensive it is before you blurt something out?

Everyone (I would hope) screens their conversations to some extent, and part of that is not replying when to reply would cause more hurt than not replying.

Personally I have enough self confidence to shrug it off if someone does not reply. Needing a reply is more of a control tactic. (If you don't reply you are rude.!?)

A few times I did respond with a "no thanks" and immediately got emails asking why or emails that implied that I was too judgemental to take a chance.

I agree with some of the other posters - opening up any sort of communication with an angry person just leads to more angry communication from them - and if I screen my replies and decide from the profile that I would rather not - it is my option to limit the communication.

Just like it is my option not to tell someone every thought that flies through my head. Screening is a good process.

V. [/color]

sunny,

This is a new guy, so no intimacy yet...and I am with you on that.