|
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 15
Junior Member
|
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 15 |
see there is someone on here that was told by his wife she had an ONS 10 years ago. On Oct 20/05 I came accross some information that my H had two ONS (that I have proof of) i now feel there is a good chance there could of been more. One was when our daughter was 4 and the other when I was 4 months pregant with our son.
I was & still am totally devistated. He was going out of town the night I found out and I ask him that night if he ever cheated on me he said no why? Always being concerned about his feelings I said no more till he came home on the Monday. Meanwhile I was like a totally sombe, like I was ran over by a truck! I spoke to a counselor right away.
He came in about 2am Mon. I went to work in the morning and he was never coming to work. Which was unusual because he would be in around 10am. I come home from work at 1pm and he was coming up from the basement (not sure what he was doing down there). When I confronted him he totally denided it & as the conversation went on said that I had cheated on him. This is so far from the truth I would never hurt someone that way, I would leave him before I every would destroy his world that way.
He wouldn't confuse till I pull out the proof and showed it to him on paper. Thats when he started crying and trying to hold me and asking me if I would go with someone to talk to with him. At that point I told him to go talk to someone on his own. I find it so funny as he had no details wasn't in our town but didn't know what town it was in who it was with who was with him at the time.
I was tryin to leave to go back to work & he would let me. I told him to let me go & pull yourself together. I had to get up after the morning I found out, get kids off to school, & go to work so don't sit there and tell me your quiting work & not going back.
I was the one who had my heart ripped out of me, not to mention put my life was put at risk, & the chance of a child showing up at our door 4 years younger than our daughter or the same age as our son.
I had so much trust in this guy & now it is like I don't even know who he is.
Mar 20 it will be 5 months & I am still with him.
For how long I don't know, at any given minute I can snap & I will be gone.
I still drive places and when I arrive I don't even know how I got there.
The visions are always in my mind. I look at him like I just hate him!
What am I doing here still. Am I just being taken for a fool?
WHY AM I STILL HERE?
I have so many unanswered questions, to the so many lies!
Any advise out there? This may be over for him but it is still so new for me!
Thanks for listening I really needed this.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 371
Member
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 371 |
((( Anitac )))
I am no expert, so I am hesitant as to give you advice. Things are usually slow around here on weekends.
I just wanted to let you know that you are being heard and you are not alone.
You have come to the perfect place for advice and support and please keep posting.
My very best to you, carnation
Me - BS 55
WH/FWH 50
OW 30
Much evidence says that my H was/is
deeply involved in a very long term PA
Prolly will never know much more than that
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,455
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2004
Posts: 1,455 |
Hi and welcome to MB... sorry about the circumstances which brought you here, but you've come to a good place. You'll find many people who can relate to you and your situation... Not alot from me, but a little bit... 1.) I advise that you read as much as you can about infidelity and marriage building as you can. There are many articles on this site which will give you a better understanding of how these things happen and how to build the kind of strong marriage that is resistant to infidelity and other issues. 2.) If you can afford it, counselling with the Harleys is always a good idea. They will help you come up with a plan to restore your relationship with your Husband. 3.) If you do more research on this site and like what you read, see if you can get your Husband to post here and/or take part in counselling with you. If your marriage and family is important to him, he will have a lot of work to do to repare the damage he's caused. This may be over for him but it is still so new for me! I'm sure he'd love it to be 'over' for him. Based on what you've written, that is far from the case. No matter how much he wants to deny it, this is still an issue that is going to demand a lot of attention and work to resolve. dewt
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Member
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069 |
Have you been honest with your husband and let him know that this is not over with you, and you are starting to lose some feelings for him?
I think I would tell him. Let him put some effort into making you feel cherished and safe.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 217
Member
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 217 |
anitac - I'm sorry you have to be here, but welcome you nonetheless. I know how you feel but don't have any pearls of wisdom since I'm more or less in the same place you are.
Just when I thought I was making progress, I find myself second guessing whether I have really forgiven my FWW.
Here's some advice that will definitely help: Stick around here and keep reading and posting. Learn as much as you can about the MB principles. You can't go wrong with that. There are many wise and caring folks here who will help you. You are not alone.
Are you able to talk with your H about the nature and extent of his As? Until you know the truth and know that he has stopped cheating on you, recovery can't begin.
If you want to make your M work, then this is the right place to be. This might sound impossible now, but you can make your M stronger than before.
BS 40 (me) FWW 39 D13, D10, S5 Married 12/95; PA ~3/96; EA ~1/10 D-day 2/16/06 (ten year secret) Current status: Newly discovered EA My story (part 1)
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 15
Junior Member
|
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 15 |
Thanks to all for your advice and support.
Hope you all can help lead me in the right direction and get through this. I have told him it is not over for me. but have not discussed anything since beginning of Feb.
No I have not told him I have started lossing feeling. I just feel when I look at him, I think how could you of done that. I get these images in my mind and I feel so much hate for him.
Intention: You found out Jan 16/06? You sound like you have such a better handle on it than I do! How are you doing in you sound so in controll. Congrads. You found out 10 years later? It was a ONS?
All I have proof of there were 2 ONS 25/07/91 and 12/12/93. He said they were both just ONS and nothing has ever happened again. (like that makes me feel better).
How will I know if this is true and how will I know if he stopped.
All he says when I try to get answers for him is I love you.
I still have so many unanswered questions that I don't know how to get answers to.
Thanks
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 330
Member
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 330 |
I understand what you are going through, I have the same situation my h had a so called friend for 10 years. He`s not good either at answering my questions so I keep digging for more proof. Mine will denie denie. The only thing is mine can`t remember what he tells you from one minute to the next so I catch him pretty good. Keep asking and keep digging if you can. I understand no matter how long ago it was it feels like it JUST happened yesterday. This is a wonderful site you have come to the right place. Good luck in your M.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 543
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 543 |
What am I doing here still. Am I just being taken for a fool?
WHY AM I STILL HERE? I don't know about being taken for a fool. If you are, you're in good company here at MBs. Most of us have questioned the same thing. Let's face it. As devestating and horrible it is to find out about your H's affairs, you have had 11 years with him that involved loving behaviors. Your life, the lives of your children, are all tied into those 11 years. It's hard to just forget about them. And now, of course, you go back to try and figure out when he was truthful, and when he was lying. Did he really mean it when he said he loved you, desired you, and bought you that beautiful pair of diamond earrings? Or was he trying to distract you from things he was doing on the side? It's like someone steps into your life, and grabs back all the gifts they ever gave you. What a shocker! Leaves you wondering "What did I do wrong????" This did happen to you just a few months ago. It doesn't matter if the behavior was years ago. You just found out, so its consequences are recent for you. And, you don't really know how long it went on...or if it's still going on. Most WSs are glad that their BSs doesn't pursue the details. It's hard to admit to some behaviors that can be pretty shameful when seen in the light of day. It's much easier in some ways for the WS to just have the attitude that it's over, so what's the need to discuss it? Don't keep picking at the wound....etc. But, it's not over for you. Therefore, it's not over for your marital relationship. Different BSs want differing amounts of information about the affair. I wanted explicit details. Yes, there's the memories in my mind, but I think my fantasies would have been even harder to manage. Have you gone in for any counseling? Could be helpful right now to get support and help you think clearer. Take care...
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 217
Member
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 217 |
anitac - I found out 2/16, barely a month ago. Yes, it was a ONS ten years ago. My wife held that secret for a long time. Click on the "My Story" link in my signature block for the details.
The "good" in this situation for me is that she confessed of her own free will. She did so as part of her study of the Bible and her desire to have a relationship with God.
She could not accept forgiveness because of this secret she was hiding. So it helps me to know that the situation allowed her to understand the real meaning of forgiveness. Now we are both on the same spiritual path, which is a wonderful thing.
The down side is that now I am being tested in my faith and perseverance. Am I really the forgiving person I always thought I was? Now that it is personal, I realize what a hypocrite I have been. I have a long way to go.
You're going to need to confide with your H and tell him that there are things you would still like to talk with him about. You'll get all kinds of advice and support right here.
So stick around and pretty soon you'll be helping out someone else.
BS 40 (me) FWW 39 D13, D10, S5 Married 12/95; PA ~3/96; EA ~1/10 D-day 2/16/06 (ten year secret) Current status: Newly discovered EA My story (part 1)
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 31
Member
|
Member
Joined: Mar 2005
Posts: 31 |
There must be something about that 10-year mark. My STBXH (by his choice) also kept his dirty little secret for nearly 10 years. He didn’t come completely clean, however, but admitted to a one-time incident. It was after he moved out and nearly a year later that he finally admitted that wasn’t true either and that it was more than that. Lucky me! I got three d-days for the price of one! I too was pregnant - with our third child – at the time, and knew that something was going on, but when I confronted him he denied it all.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 15
Junior Member
|
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 15 |
Thanks for the replys Heartmending that is just how I feel the images in my mind that is why I so what to know the truth. Your right the fantasies are hard to.
Some ounseling. Certainly could use more.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 428
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 428 |
So sorry you are going through this.
How do you know these were ONS and not ongoing affairs? His desire to hide the facts from you is a common reaction. Some people tell their spouse every exact detail, others hide it all. I think its a self defense response, more designed to protect themselves from the pain than to protect you.
If you decide to work on the marriage with him, it'll take time to regain the trust and love you lost. But it will return if you both are good to each other.
We've had some discussions on this board lately about the spouse of the affair partner and whether they should be informed of the affair by the other persons spouse. For example, in your case, if one of the women your husband was with was married or had a boyfriend and he knew about the affair way back then, would you have preferred that he inform you of the affair? To me its a no-brainer (yes), but there are those who disagree. Just wondered your opinion.
Best of luck.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 15
Junior Member
|
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 15 |
Sundog Thanks for the reply.
I came across the information that one would never expect to come across in a million years. We requested his medical records after his dr. privledges were suspended. They were hand delivered to our house and recieved by our 11 year old son. I feel I had every right to look at the contents, as I would have nothing that I would not want him to see in my records. And much to my surpise this is what I came across.
In 1991 he saw the dr with symptoms four days after contact. Was treated with an antbiotic. As I read further he saw dr again in Aug 1994 date of contact was Dec 1993. At that time I would of been four months pg with our 2nd child. There were no symptoms but was treated with an antibiotic.
Why go to the dr 4 days after? Had symptoms! Did anyone think I should be treated? Why go to the dr 8 months later? Had no symptoms! He said guilt. Dr's not to bright is he?
They could of been on going. I don't know. He tells me ONS. He said it wasn't in town. He was on the road alot at the time. Can't help but wonder if this was a regular behavoir.
Thanks for listening it feels so good to get this off my chest
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 428
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 428 |
You are the kind of person that needs to know the details of what happened so you can assimilate it and begin healing. It's like cleaning out an infected wound so it can heal. It hurts like ******, but always having that question or wonder in your mind might drive you mad.
Is your husband truly remorseful? Is he still begging you to stay and forgive him? If so, explain to him why you need your questions answered in detail. He is still listening to what he wants instead of what you want. He wants to pretend it never happened and forget about it. Sit him down and explain that this is how you can begin to heal, that he can tell you everything and you'll listen and not leave him.
If he truly wants your love back, he needs to understand that this is a requirement, not an option.
Is he willing to join this forum and start his own thread? Maybe we can help him out.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 15
Junior Member
|
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 15 |
Yes I need to know the details. It is driving me mad. At any minute I feel like I could just snap and I will be gone.
I THINK he is remorseful! He did beg me to stay and forgive him. We have not discussed anything for about a month. And when I have ask he just says I love you.
He tells me he doesn't know where it was, what they looked like, or names. Does this sound possiable! He said he just wipped it out of his mind.
How can I get him to tell me.
I haven't even told him I have been on this forum. I have not discussed this with any family or anyone other than the counselling that I have seeked.
I just feel I have to figure out what to do before I drag anyone it this.
Thanks for helping me head in the right direction.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 428
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 428 |
Well, it sounds to me like just being honest with him is the best way to get what you need.
Let him know that until he 'remembers' the details, you don't feel like you are able to love him. Unless he was very drunk, he should remember it pretty well. Our memory has a way of making such exciting events almost indellible in our minds.
How are you supposed to forgive him if you don't know what you are forgiving him for?
Your marriage is in trouble. My opinion is that your husband should know the pain and trauma that you are going through. If he truly loves you then he should be open to doing what is necessary to help you heal.
Do you want to save the marriage? If so, bring him into your situation.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 15
Junior Member
|
Junior Member
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 15 |
I certainly would remember.
Like you say unless he was really drunk he should remember fairly well.
That is what I have continued to ask. Were you drunk? Were you on drugs? All I get is the same answer I don't know.
Your right I don't think I can forgive him until I know the truth.
Yes may marriage is in trouble and I don't know in which direction to run.
That is the thing I don't know if I want to save this marriage. I think I want to but, I don't know if I can live with what he has done.
I see my counslor on Monday and hope to work through some of this.
Thanks for the help.
|
|
|
0 members (),
466
guests, and
130
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,035
|
Most Online6,102 Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|