This is a really hard one for me. I need some input on how to procede with more counseling.

Since D-day, I have spoken with 3 different counselors. I had an appointment with the first counselor before I even confronted CH. I had maybe 8 sessions with her and about half were with CH. CH walked out in the middle of our last session. The counselor DID provoke him. She was annoyed by CH's lies and attitude. And truly, he is as ball-less as she intimated. A couple sessions after that, I stopped going because it seemed all I was doing was rehashing the pain.

I spoke with Steve Harley 3 times. CH did once. I like Steve a lot. CH refuses to speak to him anymore. CH preferred to speak with someone on our insurance plan.

I requested that CH find a counselor for us...a marriage, not divorce counselor. CH gave me the name of someone on our plan but couldn't bring himself to make an appointment. Since February, I've had 2 appointments. This week, I have scheduled another for the last slot in the day.

The counselor is encouraging me to get CH to this session. I sent him a letter with the appointment card. I wrote that CH could use the time or we could use it together. I said that our counselor would like the courtesy of a cancellation at least 24 hours in advance. Will CH go? I think there is about a 20% chance. I'm not sure he'll be able to talk to ANY counselor.

All this verbage for the central question: While I have the feeling that more counseling would be good for me, I don't know what direction to take. I've never done any long term counseling. Dr. Phil says to do it if you can. I find it difficult to open up about myself. I wish I could have a session like at 4 am when all my demons are upon me. That's when I have issues. At 4 in the afternoon, the world never seems so dark. If CH won't use this next appointment, I will.

Does anybody have any advice or suggestions? I feel like I need to do this for myself but don't know how. I can't work on my marriage alone but I can work on myself. Please any ideas!

I agree, you can work on yourself when a WS does not want to work on the M. Soon after D-Day, I started some IC (hoping it would be MC, but FWW was not ready). I started trying to work on myself, but the counselor was obsessed with rehasing the A, so I kind of know what you mean. I quit going.

My advice, is first decide what you want to work on. Relationship you, or general you.

As I write that, I wonder if there is a difference.

Anyway, my point is, if it's relationship you, I would refer to EN's/LB's that you were not doing/doing with your WS. Pick one and talk with your IC about why you didn't/did do that. Not as MC, but just as bettering your ability to have quality relationships. If you believe in the MB principles, you will need to address that for your M or any future R. For example, if recreational companionship was an EN you were not meeting, dig deep into that. Why didn't you, did you think it was an issue, what are strategies for being better at it in the future.

If its general you, follow the same approach. If your self esteem is low, talk about it. If you have a lot of guilt or fear, talk about it. Why do you have this? How does it affect you? What are strategies for eliminating it? All good questions for an IC.

I think I quit going to my IC because when I challenged him with these kind of questions, he came up short with any answers. Maybe one day, I'll try another one.

I guess overall, I feel like you can get the most out of counseling if you come in with what you want to work on and get going. Take charge. You'll feel better if you work on fixing what you think is wrong, rather than letting the IC pick the dysfunctional behavior du jour. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> If after a couple sessions the IC thinks there are other priorities, then discuss, debate and decide.

And when your demons come at 4 am, don't just let them come. Fight back. Write them down and tell yourself your going to bring that up with the IC at the very next visit and then go back to bed.

Take care

Grape:

I was in long-term therapy many years ago for depression and childhood issues. My marrage was great then and afterwards. The IC was very beneficial to me and I am thankful that I did that. What I learned then, helped me in coping with my H's infidelity.

I also did IC in trying to cope with the infidelity..with the same counselor. It was more for support. I had already changed and really didn't need to work on changing myself anymore.

We also tried couples therapy once the A had started.. I've already talked to you about the foolishness of that in our case.

What I'm saying is that, IMO, individual therapy, couples therapy and therapy with a CH are three different things.

I can't understand your present counselor wanting your H to come in..What will you be working on..your marriage? Your CH does not want to be in a MARRIAGE right now..that's evident...

I would say. It's your choice what you want to get from counseling. Do you want to work on INDIVIDUAL CHANGE? Do you want SUPPORT for yourself or do you want to work on your MARRIAGE? I can't see how a traditional counselor can help you with your marriage at this point. However, you certainly can obtain HELP for YOURSELF...

But you say:



Wonder why this is so?

Maybe you haven't found a counselor that you are comfortable with or tell the counselor this and maybe he/she can help you with opening up...

Last night, I had a counseling session. Of course, CH didn't come. I sent him the appointment card but he claims the mail service is soooooo bad at his apartment complex that he didn't get it. CH also said that he couldn't come because he had a "major" business call that night.

I went by myself and had a good session. The counselor feels that it's really CH that needs to be there, not me. He feels that I'm in a pretty good place. I have a good relationship with my kids and my family. I'm functional and beyond. I may have had issues with my dad but the man is dead and I've moved on. Nobody is perfect but I seem to be pretty healthy. He told me to write down my 4 a.m. monsters to help banish them.

The counselor thinks that my CH is stringing me along. He's giving me enough encouragement to keep me from filing but not enough to recovery the marriage. He also believes that if CH continues the way he is, I should be prepared for him to disappear from our kids' lives.

We talked about how I can support DD. We talked about how my inlaws have disappeared from the kids' lives.

At the end of the appointment, I told the counselor that I probably wouldn't be seeing him for a while. He agreed. He said that until CH can drag himself in or I draw my line in the sand, we don't have much work to do.

So, there you have it.