If w WILL NOT FESS UP'
with PROOF In hand,
should the cards be played?
or should "IT" be allowed to die? Or will "IT" ever die?
seems things are WAY better But can it be just trying to make the TRAIL cold?
I think that the w figures I am hot on to whats going on--some how-- & that may have caused the wonderful change!! ME LIKES IT!!
should I enjoy the NEW WIFE?( just like the old wife before)
Or what??
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Play all of your cards, get it over with. Yup she'll be mad as you've ever seen her, but she will get over it. You have to end the A and then be sure it is ended. Expose until there is no one left to expose to. Get it all over as soon as possible.

My W is still not transparent, still bristles that I check cell records, but does very little to make me feel safe. We still haven't had the A talk, she is nailing me on my bad habits, LBs, etc... I don't know if we will ever get to the root cause of her A or if I will ever feel safe again. I am going to try as long as I can, but please don't fall into this trap. Get all the ugly stuff done up front, then move forward to repair your marriage. I feel like I'm doing alll this backwards and it's not a good feeling.

Think about it!

Your wife doesn't *NEED* to fess up. If you have irrefutable proof...why do you need her to tell you what you already know?

May I ask what your proof was?

Have you done exposure?<----------Very important...can't skip that step.

Have you found out everything there is to know about OM?? Is he married?? If so, did you tell his wife??

Are you plan Aing her???

God Bless,

-Caren

Yes, she does need to fess up. If she does not then she's still telling a lie or will feel the same as.
If she doesn't when she and you know she's busted then why would you believe she would ever tell the truth otherwise.

Fessing up would fall into the area of radical honesty.

She will need to confess and ask for forgiveness. If she doesn't, how can you repair your M? Time to expose.

I'll predict that Caren meant she doesn't need to fess up right now.

Ultimately, for a real recovery, of course she'll have to eat a HUGE piece of humble pie - with ice cream. The works.

And I agree - you can't expect total humility while the Mothership is still in control.

Play enough of your hand such that a reasonable person would say, "yup, that's enough proof." But don't expect her to agree.

My XW married the man she wasn't having an affair with 5 months after our divorce. Still denies an affair to this day. Some will never "fess up."

WAT
---------------
"If stupidity got us into this mess, why can't it get us out?" Will Rogers

WAT-

Correct prediction......I meant if he just confronted her with his evidence, she's probably not going to "fess up"....

Geeze I kept repeatedly taking little snippets of evidence to my WH and he denied....denied....denied....until, of course, I had him on audio tape talking to her about having SF, about what a horrible wife I was, how he could clean up his credit "after" he divorced me and had a clean slate...etc, etc....yeah......finally fessed up after that one.

God Bless,

-Caren

I didn't have real "proof", just a feeling. I just continued to ask, over & over, telling my H that I KNEW what he had done (although he knew I didn't have proof considering his A took place in Iraq, millions of miles away from me, and ended upon his return from his deployment), and eventually I wore him down & he confessed to everything. You cannot have complete healing if you don't have a confession. How can you obtain a serious NC committment, if you don't have a confession? That's the real way to start to heal, to know the A is OVER.

Toolman. I have been somewhat of a devils advocate in your situation. From what I gather from your posts you suspected your wife of having an affair because she was going on vacation with or without you. That started you snooping. This has led to you having “proof”.

Clarify what “proof” you have. Is it a card signed “love, Toolmans wife” to a good friend that can possibly be rationally explained? Is it one of the “typical signs of an affair” like your W bought new underwear? Is it photos of your wife in the arms of another man?

Please define between “proof” and “indicators”. There are many fine lists online that list “things to look for if you suspect your spouse of having an affair”. Sometimes when reading these lists you can connect all of the indicators to your spouse but they are only indicators. They might give reason to look further but do not in themselves prove an affair.

If by “proof” you mean what you mentioned in your post about snooping then that is very thin.

I say this from experience. My wife was secretive, detached and gave me the “I love you but not in love with you”. She worked out and bought new clothes. All things people will tell you to look for if you suspect an affair. When I did monitor her I discovered the problem was not an affair but more related to the lack of communications and commitment between us. Once I knew the real problem I could work on fixing it.

Now – if you have PROOF. Hard, concrete proof that she will not be able to deny or explain away then by all means confront her. If not then snoop but be open for other causes for your marital problems than an affair.

Infidelity is hard. You seem determined in joining the club. While I don’t advocate denying affairs or closing one’s eye on a problem I do not in any way encourage people to automatically assume affair just because the spouse is acting strange. This is too serious a subject to handle that way.

I have slowed down some.
My proof is very indirect. But seems to be a whole LOT of it . Looks like a sly person doing it to me /. may be the man(I hope a man) , I have known a thief in my life - real scum bag- in a position of respect& power.
Stealing mpney & mercandise , for years. what got him is .. he got confident that he would never get caught & Got sloppy , I am hoping this is true of cheats too. ?? yes or no ?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />