Things are getting better.

WW and DDs got back from their trip to see grandparents on Thursday. Since then, WW and I are sleeping in the same bed. We had a good weekend. We went shopping, started a new house project (painting the living room), and had some good family time with the girls.

But we didn't spend anytime talking about us (where we are, how we feel, etc.) I guess I should be happy that things are getting better, but I have an uneasy feeling WS is going to "pull the rug" from under neat us.

I tried a few times to instigate love making, but she was cold to that and she got a little frustrated with that. She says she's not ready for that... I feel like I need it desperately. I feel like I need us to, so it will help me get over her affair...

How long will it take her feelings to change in that area?
When is the right time to instigate that?
Do things seem better from what I have said?
What usually happens next?

Trying to be patient,

PD


Me (BS): 30
WS: 29
Married:6 years (12/20/99)
D-day: 01/09/06
DD: 5
DD: 10 months

PD,

Time and patience are the watchwords right now. I would not push love making, and I would not push relationship talks just yet. Here is the deal. YOU have a decision to make and you need time and data to make it. The decision YOU have to make is whether to remain married to your W or not.

It is true she could leave at any time. You have NO control over this. But, what you do have control over is YOUR decisions. No matter what she does or doesn't do, you will have to decide if she is a W worth your time, love, and effort. You will need to see actions, you will need to hear words that coincide with her actions, you will need a sex life, you will need to feel that she is worth keeping.

You don't know any of these things YET. I would strongly suggest you pick a time in the future to reevaluate your marriage and your W. In the mean time be the best H you can be and surely the best father. Focus on the kids right now. Your marriage decision will become very easy if things don't change. Your marriage decision will become very easy if the A has not ended or restarts. Your marriage decision will become very easy if she does not open up to you and explain her thinking...THEN and NOW. Your marriage decision will become easy IF she can not express AND show you the changes she is making in her thinking and approach to things.

This site offers many tools, but the single most important thing these tools do, is buy you time to make a RATIONAL decision about the person you are married to. Take the time, use the tools, and I think you will find that your decisions will NOT be as hard as you think right now.

Your job right now is to be a great father to your children. Your job right now is to be a patient husband to your W.
Your job right now is to collect data so that in the future (you set a date for reevaluation of your marriage), you have what you need to make a decision.

You don't feel this now but you control more than you realize, but you don't control your W. She is probably still a bit in withdrawal. She is facing the fact that no matter the reason she violated HER own beliefs and boundaries. She is facing that she hurt someone that she promised to protect.

In short SHE has issues and they are very painful. Let her sort those out, and you collect data, and take care of your children.

I know this is NOT what you wanted to hear, but this seems to be the normal progression toward recovery.

God Bless,

JL

Hello there pda,

you and I seem to be in the same boat. Our d-day's are only a week or so apart. I to am facing the same exact thoughts and feeling you are. This site has helped ma a bunch in trying to be patient. I don't have any advise for you other than your not alone in how you feel. I read your post and it sound very similar to me. I wish you luck my friend this is a terrible time for both of us.

Gosh, JL, that advice is AWESOME! I learn so much from this site. Even though I'm kinda burned out on focusing on my relationship and reading SAA, etc., this site and posts like this always give me food for thought and good information.

Thanks!

Chaka,

I am glad I could be of help. You are too kind with your comments. But, you are right, there is a lot to learn. Personally, I am Just Learning. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Seriously I am not kidding.

God Bless,

JL