Looking for information that will help my show by actions that these theories in HSHN and LB will work for my marriage. I might be on my own for a while until hubby can see me trying and that what I'm doing alone makes a difference and to pause and think.

I know that I am just as responsible for our mess as he. I am eager to relearn how to treat my husband, but might have to guess at his EN before actually getting the information from him.

Our marriage is in dire straights and sometimes very abusive emotionally. This has to change for both our sakes and our two young boys. I was raised in a home and was verbally abused for as long as I can remember, so I never learned how to treat a husband. I've tried the best I knew how, but know I need to learn more and do a lot better. When things are calm it is nice. It doesn't take much to change that. The one thing I am happy to say is we have just about completely stopped the screaming and bad treatment around the boys. We've gone through 2 marriage counselors. There is an affair and possible pronography addiction and all the dishonesty that goes with those two topics. I have a thick history of emotional and physical abuse (previous boyfriend) and have been working on my self confidence and standing up for myself. My hubby doesn't share emotions very well or hardly at all. When they build up the anger is not far away. He is also very defensive.

How much difference can one spouse make going solo with this program?
Clara <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Most everyone on this forum starts off alone. The spouse that is having the affair rarely is interested in anything but continuing their affair. So, to answer your question, your chances are just as good as the rest of us.

If you had such an abusive childhood, I wonder if independent counseling for yourself wouldn't be helpful. The tools we are given to work in relationships are those that we learn from our parents. In your case, you need to find some better tools so that you won't fall back on those that are damaging to your marriage and family.

Is your husbands affair ongoing? If so, you need to read up on plan a and get to work exposing the affair. These topics are covered in this forum, look around.

I have had private counseling and have been and continue to work out those issues. I think that will be a life long journey. For now, my Mother and I have talked at lengths about this issue and have rediscovered each other as Mother and Daughter. A lot of bare bones honesty happened there. My Father and I are on the beginning of that journey. So, far everything is looking very possitive as my Father is eager to be there for me now and recognizes he wasn't in the past. As far as my two rapes (sorry, didn't mention that before), I have processed that and for the most part it is in the past. Thanks to a counselor's help. I currently am building up my self esteem and confidence and to eliminate any past reflexes that will haunt my own children.

My husband got sexual with a strip club dancer a few times. Not sex, but they both got frisky in the club. (don't know how much detail I can go in this forum) I found out that he was lying to me about going to clubs, some private lungerie clubs and pornography. The reason for telling me was a fear he contracted an STD. Yikes. We had an aggreement 8 years ago that if he went to a club he would tell me. No lap dances where physical contact was made and don't go in anger. I was really ok with this. Physical contact for me took it out of the fantasy realm. The lies grew from there. I don't really know all that has happened, but we are working on that. He claims he isn't going to clubs anymore, but is very defensive about porn.

I would like honesty to be in our marriage as a natural element. (goal) and yes, it is my top 2 EN.

Clara

Don't say it's ok for your spouse to go to strip clubs unless your are also ok with lap dances and heavy petting and flirtation. It's like leaving a child alone in a candy store and expecting him to not touch anything, just too much temptation.

Being a faithful spouse is not just about having good intent, its also knowing about how to keep yourself out of tempting situations.

How on earth would your husband be worried about STD's if he didn't have sex of some sort? What happened exactly? Don't worry about telling details here if you like, you are completely anonymous and we are all adults.

What are the details on the affair you mention? Who is she? How do they contact and how often? Etc. Give us some details and we can help you further.

I don't know if technically you can label it as an affair. He saw her (his info) about 4 or 5 times at a club. She was the dancer. She let him touch her under her panties (I'm trying to be good here) and she returned the gesture. Yes, they made intimate contact with skin. He is not too forth coming with details. He found that his penis was very sore and had a burning sensation. He was scared and told me then. I do not believe I have the entire story, because it doesn't make sense.

The other thing we are dealing with is a possible addiction to porn. I said I want none of that in my life now and I will be there for him to overcome and move past this. He is very defensive and not forthcoming to information at all. I would love some honesty here. I need honesty here.

I was ok with the clubs because I thought he needed visual stimuli as he requested. Sexual adventures should have included his wife and been a mutual concent. Not secretive. With the betrayal the clube are definately out of the question.

We need to move past this, but I feel that there is so much secrecy that we have to keep the topic on the table to clear it up. Let me explain defensive. He will do whatever it takes to redirect the conversation away from him. He won't get physical, but will get angry and verbally abusive or just pin it on me. It is obvious that he went and did something. My mission is not to point fingers just get all the facts on the table so we can clear it and move foward one day at a time. He thinks I want to judge him and won't forgive him. I've got too much going on to carry around that burden.

Yikes. that was a lot of details. Personal too. Does that help?

I'm not aware of any STD's that can be transmitted via hands, although I may be wrong. Sounds to me like they had sex. He's hiding details from you because there is stuff he doesn't want you to know.

Is he still seeing her in any way? When did this happen?

Until the affair is over, working on many of the marriage issues is impossible. If it is over, then see if you can get him to listen to you and agree that you both need to work on this. Have him fill out the emotional questionairre, see if he'll read and discuss the book His Needs Her Needs with you.

Other than his word, how are you sure the affair is over?

By the way, I should have been more clear. He feared he had an STD, he didn't. Yes, I agree and that is why I still wonder about the story. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

You snoop. You check cell phone records, you check his email accounts and listen to your gut feelings. How is he acting around you, is he behaving secretive or odd? He already did enough to constitute infidelity, have you sat down and talked about this incident and if he is still seeing the other woman?

If he feared he had an STD then he is either very uninformed about how they are transferred, or they had sex. Period.

Crap, I just through shredding all the cell phone bills. Our bills and debt have gotten way out of hand and I just recently took them over to get us back on top. To organize and maintain the amazing amount of paperwork, I shredded unimportant paperwork. Do I feel like an idiot.

Right now it is hard to gauge his reactions. His father was very recently diagnosed with colon cancer and is going in for surgery tomorrow. There is no way I will put him on the spot for some time. I can't do that to him. He will be going up there, to help take care of them. Yes, I have confirmed this because I'm close to his parents.

This whole snooping thing is tough for me. I found some porn sites on his web browser and brought it up during marriage counseling and got chewed out from the counselor for invading his privacy and that I needed to make strides to rebuild trust and not look for ways to tear it down.

Right now I am using my time (on this forum) to check out theories and prepare my self for moving foward with this relationship and how to deal with these issues properly.

Your marriage counselor is an idiot. Many of them are (sorry if I offend anyone). You don't just blindly trust someone, trust is earned. If you found porn on his computer, who tore down the trust? You, because you looked for it, or him, because he was hiding it from you? If you snoop more and discover an affair, would that be your fault too? Is your counselors head up his @ss while he is counseling you both, or does he remove it temporarily to talk with you?

Even Dr Harley says there shouldn't be blind 100% trust in a marriage (im not directly quoting, but its in HNHN book). You have the book, it's in there.

You can often logon to your cell provider's website and view the call logs there. You can also call them or go to a local store and ask for another copy of bills. You can also install a keylogger on his computer if you are confident enough to try it. It will show you everything he types.

As far as messing with his computer, he is way more efficient than me. A system administrator. If he wants to hide it he can, there is no doubt in that. I will get a copy of the cell phone records and try that.

Yes, the counselor and I would get into arguments. He also believed I was responsible for my happiness and my H his. We were not responsible in each other's even in marriage. We had to deal with our own issues. After a few weeks of arguing about that and my favorite argument. "I have to to accept that this is the best it is going to be before I can move on." That one sent me on a whirlwind for about a week every time he threw that in. Yes, I called it quits with that therapist. He was excellent for individual therapy, but for a couple he scared me from the beginning. My H insisted or we were threw. I gave it the best try I could. He did help me out with personal issues, but no couple issues. When we quit, my H and I had a blowout. He assumed I was quiting because the pressure was on me and I was finally in the hot seat. I had enough of wasting my time, emotions and money with this person. Sore issue can you tell. Shortly after that H called it quit, had a huge screaming match and left. I said he could comeback if he agreed to try the MB. He agreed, but not eagerly at all. Now, I'm in a holding pattern (understandibly) but waiting for his father to heal, before we continue again. Trust me, I cannot touch this one for he is barely dealing with his Dad. I know this is hard for him.

We will get to the bottom of this. We have to. When I was a little girl my father had an affair and my Mother's spirit died the day she found out. Only recently is she coming back to me. Over 30 years later. This will not happen to my boys.

Back to my point. My H is going to be involved with his Dad's recovery for over a month maybe two. What kind of productive things can I do that would make a positive impact in our marriage?