My W has stated she wants a divorce. We're both in our early thirties and been together for 6 years (married for nearly 3).

Our problems started last year when my wife went into hospital (I won't go into the details). When she came out she felt I wasn't there for her emotionally. A few months later my wife got the test results back from the hospital, during this time my dad was taken into hospital and had a life threatening issue. During this time I was working my preferables off travelling around the country doing my job. I was totally stressed with the thought of nearly loosing my wife and my dad. She called me to tell me she was clear but I didn't respond in a sincere way, as I should have.

Things got worse for me, my aunt then fell ill and this caused many other family related issues. Then my dad fell ill again and during this time I was away from home Monday to Friday. When I was at home most of my time was spent sorting my work gear out for the following week ahead. During this time the W and I stopped communicating and doing the things we used to enjoy doing together, pictures, romantic meals, weekends away.

Things got worse and I started to realise this and cut back on my work hours. At this time it was too late, I tried to make an effort round the house and spend time with her but she had withdrawn. As time went by I realised she wasn't herself, I suspected she was seeing someone else because of this and I started to question her work travelling and calls she was receiving on her phone.

She didn't like this but because she wasn't communicating with me refused to tell me I was out of order and bottled it all up.

Earlier this year 2006 (and this I'm not proud of) I retrieved her password to her email account. I then looked at the emails and found she had been communicating with a guy at work. After various attempts to give her the option to tell me she eventually broke down and told me the full story.

This guy at worked kissed her and she responded but then they started to communicate at work via text and emails. She has since said that she enjoyed the attention and felt like he was interested in what she had to say. She explained I was not there for her and he was. My W states it was nothing more than an emotional relationship, this I do believe.

This hurt, from the start of our relationship I was insecure because she is a very good looking woman. I thought I would be the one that strayed from the marriage path and not her.

Anyway, things got progressively worse after that. We went to a marraige counsellor who was quite frankly USELESS.
We then attempted to deal with the issues ourselves. My W was still distant (in terms of communication) but not in a physical sense. We slept together in the same bed but over the space of a few weeks I begain to get angry with her because of what happened. I felt I was the victim in this all (now I know I'm not and I had played my part in all of this).

During this time she was unaware and I didn't explain how I felt. She travelled to the place where this other guy works, she also has to communicate a lot with him about work, all of this I found difficult to deal with. I told her to go and confront him to see if she still had any feelings for him (as she said she had just switched them off), I was unsure and didn't want her to come back without seeing him, me thinking everything was Ok and then she saying it wasn't (I hope you understand this bit). My W spoke to him, I didn't feel she told me the full story so started filling in the blanks. We spoke later that night, at this point I had built everything up in my head to be a big issue - so I told her if she fell pregnant I couldn't be sure it was mine and would want a DNA test (one of my hurtful comments).

Since then the anger was growing inside of me because of the way I felt I was treated and it got the better of me. I said some VERY VERY hurtful things, which I now truely regret. I have read various books / looked at various sites but all of it was too late. I made my mistakes and now she is adamant that she wants a divorce. So much so that we both took our wedding rings off this weekend and she has now gone away on holiday without me.

She went to stay with a friend for a week to have some space. Since then she came back and has been adamant she wants to be alone and doesn't want me in her life.

She has said I've always been insecure and controlling as well as maniputlative. I would agree to the insecure comment but not the rest. The controlling issue came around because I felt I had nothing in my life. I'm now going to the gym and doing other things out side of my marriage. She thinks I'm manipulative becuase I have been printing things off of websites to try to help her and myself to understand our situation (another one of my attempts to resolve issues but made it worse).

I want to know what do I do? I can move out but due to financial reasons would prefer not to. I know if I move out it would give her space to consider all of this but I believe I can show her I can change for the better and I'm not talking short term changes.

I know that all of my problems last year stemmed from me working to hard, not giving my wife the just attention she deserved and not having things to do in my life (not my married life). I have now started to do things for me but feel it's too late.

She doesn't know that I've posted this or that I've put my wedding ring back on (as I couldn't bear the thought of not wearing it). She would go mental for me posting this information about us.

She is withdrawn and says she will never forgive me for the things I have said to her. Is this ever possible? Should I just move on and give her what she wants a D?
I am getting help with my issues by reading books about anger management and insecurity issues but need to know, where do I go from here? I have said to her I'm disappointed in us for being in this situation and I'm disappointed in her for not even considering I could change, even though I have proved this with other things in my life. I can read my W like a book, there are times when she says things but the look in her eyes implies the opposite.

Sorry it's long but I need to explain the problem to give everyone a clear picture.

Thanks for reading, any help/advice is appreciated.

Is she still adamant about a Divorce? You may want to try posting this in the GQ forum as there is much more traffic there.

I am glad that your are here seeking help. And I am glad that you are taking responsibility for your own actions in making the marriage the way it was. But you must realize that no matter what you said to her, no matter how hurtful they were...she made the choice on her own to have an EA.

If she is willing to work on your M then there is still plenty of hope. I will be keeping up with your posts.

It is good that you are reading up and trying to get in touch with the things that you need to correct within yourself. But your wife must realize that she has things she needs to change within herself as well.

Thanks for your response.

She is adamant about a divorce but every now and then something tells me she is not.

You are right we are both responsible for our own actions, me in what I've said and her in what's she done.

She finds it difficult to deal with the guilt and the hurt. She is an only child and our marriage is her longest relationship, so (in my opinion) she doesn't know how to deal with other peoples feelings. Her dad is quite old school, woman at home, etc. My W rebels against that and that has also caused us problems.

She knows she needs to sort herself but can she do before our marriage is over? I hope so but her stubborness will mean she wants out before fixing anything.

Would she be willing to post here? There are many people on here that can help you both. I don't always know the right things to say, but I am a good listener. I was unable to fix my own marriage, so I don't feel comfortable giving people advice on how to fix theirs.

That's why I say to post in the GQ forum. I think you'd get more help there.

It sounds as though she isn't sure about the D. Have either of you filed yet? If not, there is still plenty of time to work on this if she is willing.

I think there's more chance of ****** freezing over than my wife posting here. She is a private person. She freaked when I posted some details about this on another website (to do with my anger issues).

She seems like she is never sure nor not sure. Then other times she is 100% sure. When I posted on the other website she was excited when someone responded and was very interested in what the person had to say. I might be able to talk to her about it but every time I try to help her she puts the barriers up and I'm back to square one.

She won't get over what I've said but the funny thing is she isn't even willing to try (not really funny but you know what I mean).

I bought a book on Divorce - 7 step remedy, she has taken it with her on holiday. Hopefully she will read some of it and come back refreshed enough to have a go but be willing to try.

We haven't filled for divorce but she says she wants to do it when she returns. I brought it up saying that she doesn't seem to know what or when she wants a divorce, this made me think she is unsure but then she reacts with anger and says she will do when she returns.

I see you moved the post to GQ. Good.

I will move over and try to post with you on the GQ forum. That way you wont have to go back and forth.