Hello, I am 32 with a 5 year old son. I recently discovered that my husband had an affair in 2004. The A ended badly in early 2005. I knew that we were having problems, but I never suspected that he was having an affair! He had complained that we weren't really getting along and that we did not have anything in common. He said that he couldn't talk to me the way he could talk to his 'friends' (I guess that was the OW). No matter how hard I tried he avoided my attempts to make things better between us. He was so cold, mean and distant. Now I know that it was because he had the OW.
In fact, during our rough period in 2004, I had somewhat of an EA. I felt horrible about it and came clean. His reaction was extreme anger although the EA I had never became physical. In fact I met this other person one night when my WH had told me that he didn't think he loved me anymore. Anyway, my EA was short-lived, unexciting and never became physical.
Since March of 2005, our relationship has drastically improved (When the A ended). In December of that same year, I discovered through old emails that 'something' had happened in 2004 b/w him and the OW. He lied for months saying that they had been good friends and had 'messed around' but that it was never sexual. Finally, a month ago I found another old email (from late 2004) and he finally came clean about the affair being sexual. She was actually someone I had known and who had been to our wedding.
I am consumed my alternating feelings. One one hand, our relationship has been much better in the past year, but I am angry that I was in the dark for so long. We are in counseling now and that has helped but I am consummed by alternating feelings of sorrow, rage, depression. Other days, I think that we will be able to make it. I am consummed by the details.
Here are my major questions, is it really possible to have a good marriage after this? I don't trust him at all even though his A is definitely over. I check his voicemail, emails and instant messages constantly. He hates that I do that, but has reluctantly granted me access. I have confronted him about a text message from another woman, a younger sister of his friend(harmless, but flirtatious) and those have ended. But I am really stuck. I feel so betrayed. I feel like I will never be able to trust him ever again. I don't even know whther or not to believe that this happened only with one person as he claims. I am so angry that he did not give me a chance to fill his EN. Instead, he left me home alone with my son while he had fun with the OW. He never gave me a chance. I feel like something inside of me has curled up and died. Is it worth it to continue counseling? Is it better to just leave and start a new life? When will I feel like myself again?

Hi Renee,

Welcome to MB. Sorry you have to find this place, but it is the best place to e, under the circumstances.

Cutting to the chase, YES you can have a good M again, actually you can have a better M than you previously had.

Continuing couseling, be sure your C is pro-M. Many are not. Ask if your C is familar with and supportive of MB principles. If not, he/she can do more harm than good.

This - Recovery - is a long, long, bumpy, difficult ride. It is not easy, but your M, your child is worth it. Your child deserves an intact family. Certainly, you deserve happiness, but you will find a deeper, greater happiness in working toward a better M, instead of tossing it aside just b/c you can.

Checking your H's VM/e-mail. He hates it; all the WSs do. Tell him he is earning back your trust by doing this. You won't need to do it forever; maybe just a year.

You will feel better. It takes time. I know.

Recovery takes 2-5 years. Invest that long in your M, your family. You all deserve it.

Blessings, and good luck.

HealingT4J (and anyone else who can help)- I have another question for you. Things in our M are going well(with counseling). He is really making changes and we are spending a lot of recreational time together. At times I feel like things are ALMOST perfect- except for the fact that I have been betrayed. When I ask my FWH how he's feeling about us, he says that he thinks we will be okay. The A with the OW was 'exciting' because it was never suppossed to happen. She was not someone who he could have had a real relationship with, but she was fun. (yeah, she left her kid at home) What he has with me is a family and a 'future'. In my heart, I find it hard to believe that we will ever be ok or that I will ever love him the way that I did before. How did you deal with these feelings? Do you ever love your spouse again the way that you did before?

Renee,

I posted to this subject on either the recovery or general questions location.

Who

Hi Renee,
I also posted to you on the recovery board posting you did.
Hang in there, you are still in a very raw stage of recovery but I see very positive signs already.

Press on,
GTPO