Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 37
R
Member
Member
R Offline
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 37
Hello, I am 32 with a 5 year old son. I recently discovered that my husband had an affair in 2004. The A ended badly in early 2005. I knew that we were having problems, but I never suspected that he was having an affair! He had complained that we weren't really getting along and that we did not have anything in common. He said that he couldn't talk to me the way he could talk to his 'friends' (I guess that was the OW). No matter how hard I tried he avoided my attempts to make things better between us. He was so cold, mean and distant. Now I know that it was because he had the OW.
In fact, during our rough period in 2004, I had somewhat of an EA. I felt horrible about it and came clean. His reaction was extreme anger although the EA I had never became physical. In fact I met this other person one night when my WH had told me that he didn't think he loved me anymore. Anyway, my EA was short-lived, unexciting and never became physical.
Since March of 2005, our relationship has drastically improved (When the A ended). In December of that same year, I discovered through old emails that 'something' had happened in 2004 b/w him and the OW. He lied for months saying that they had been good friends and had 'messed around' but that it was never sexual. Finally, a month ago I found another old email (from late 2004) and he finally came clean about the affair being sexual. She was actually someone I had known and who had been to our wedding.
I am consumed my alternating feelings. One one hand, our relationship has been much better in the past year, but I am angry that I was in the dark for so long. We are in counseling now and that has helped but I am consummed by alternating feelings of sorrow, rage, depression. Other days, I think that we will be able to make it. I am consummed by the details.
Here are my major questions, is it really possible to have a good marriage after this? I don't trust him at all even though his A is definitely over. I check his voicemail, emails and instant messages constantly. He hates that I do that, but has reluctantly granted me access. I have confronted him about a text message from another woman, a younger sister of his friend(harmless, but flirtatious) and those have ended. But I am really stuck. I feel so betrayed. I feel like I will never be able to trust him ever again. I don't even know whther or not to believe that this happened only with one person as he claims. I am so angry that he did not give me a chance to fill his EN. Instead, he left me home alone with my son while he had fun with the OW. He never gave me a chance. I feel like something inside of me has curled up and died. Is it worth it to continue counseling? Is it better to just leave and start a new life? When will I feel like myself again?

Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 469
H
Member
Member
H Offline
Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 469
Hi Renee,

Welcome to MB. Sorry you have to find this place, but it is the best place to e, under the circumstances.

Cutting to the chase, YES you can have a good M again, actually you can have a better M than you previously had.

Continuing couseling, be sure your C is pro-M. Many are not. Ask if your C is familar with and supportive of MB principles. If not, he/she can do more harm than good.

This - Recovery - is a long, long, bumpy, difficult ride. It is not easy, but your M, your child is worth it. Your child deserves an intact family. Certainly, you deserve happiness, but you will find a deeper, greater happiness in working toward a better M, instead of tossing it aside just b/c you can.

Checking your H's VM/e-mail. He hates it; all the WSs do. Tell him he is earning back your trust by doing this. You won't need to do it forever; maybe just a year.

You will feel better. It takes time. I know.

Recovery takes 2-5 years. Invest that long in your M, your family. You all deserve it.

Blessings, and good luck.


me-FBS M-6/84 3 great kids A-2/03-5/04 DDay-5/8/04 WD - severe-5/04-9/04 with continuing C; NC ltr-9/3/04 In Recovery with God's help Praying for all WS/BS. Blessings!
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 37
R
Member
Member
R Offline
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 37
HealingT4J (and anyone else who can help)- I have another question for you. Things in our M are going well(with counseling). He is really making changes and we are spending a lot of recreational time together. At times I feel like things are ALMOST perfect- except for the fact that I have been betrayed. When I ask my FWH how he's feeling about us, he says that he thinks we will be okay. The A with the OW was 'exciting' because it was never suppossed to happen. She was not someone who he could have had a real relationship with, but she was fun. (yeah, she left her kid at home) What he has with me is a family and a 'future'. In my heart, I find it hard to believe that we will ever be ok or that I will ever love him the way that I did before. How did you deal with these feelings? Do you ever love your spouse again the way that you did before?

Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,975
W
Member
Member
W Offline
Joined: Feb 2005
Posts: 1,975
Renee,

I posted to this subject on either the recovery or general questions location.

Who


I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03

Recovered
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 221
G
Member
Member
G Offline
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 221
Hi Renee,
I also posted to you on the recovery board posting you did.
Hang in there, you are still in a very raw stage of recovery but I see very positive signs already.

Press on,
GTPO


BW-34 FWH-35 Married 12yrs 4 children DD 8 DD 6 DD 4 DD 2 d-day 7/03 Beautiful Recovery

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 366 guests, and 106 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Limkao, Emily01, apefruityouth, litchming, scrushe
72,034 Registered Users
Latest Posts
Three Times A Charm
by Vallation - 07/24/25 11:54 PM
How important is it to get the whole story?
by still seeking - 07/24/25 01:29 AM
Annulment reconsideration help
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:05 PM
Help: I Don't Like Being Around My Wife
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:01 PM
Following Ex-Wifes Nursing Schedule?
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:21 AM
My wife wants a separation
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:20 AM
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,035
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2025, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 8.0.0