I have been living with my girfriend for a little over 5 years. We bought a house together 2 years ago.
She come from a rough home with a sometimes alcholic mother, a father who left and hasnt seen since she was 2 and a step father that was abusive and is in Jail.
I thought things were going ok for the longest time and they really werent. We fought alot. She had a hard time holding down a job and was very needy untill about 8 months ago, she became independent and has had a full time job since. Things becan to change and no longer felt needed and our relationship becan to get distant, She told me a month ago that she was not happy and that it wasnt me and that she needed to figure out whats wrong. She left 2 weeks ago because she said if she stayed that she would end up hating me and didnt want that, and thought that if we got to councilling then we could get back on track. After going once to councilling, and reading alot on this site, i have come to realise that alot is my fault. I wasnt doing alot, no compliments, no listening, i was insensitive, really controlling and so on. I have come to believe that i am someone i never was, and am reverting back. My friends agreed and i am doing my best to continue. We have only scene each other once since, we went out for dinner. I felt it went well, but she does not want to talk about the situation untill she gets to a counciller that wont be for a few more weeks. I am so sad, depressed, and want to start working on this now, cause i feel like i know alot more and can help make it better, i know that with all this new knowledge we will be happy, if she will work on this too. Please help me

Hey ((Ryan)),

This is your 1st big chance to show her that you are working on you by not controlling the situation or nagging her about counseling. She has agreed to go correct? And she has an appointment in two weeks, correct? Further, she's clearly communicated that she desires to look at things after counseling. That sounds like a pretty good plan to me.

So let her do that and in the mean time work on you. At every chance in the mean time and on, show her through your actions, not your words that you are no longer controlling. Fill her love bank, as she will let you, with the admiration and appreciation.

Basically, what I'm saying is clean your side of the street and let her worry about hers. Let me let you in on a little nugget, your GF, from your description has some emotional health issues. That being said, because she could not choose a partner unlike herself, I would venture to guess you have some emotional health issues, as are becoming apparent now. So she works on hers, you work on yours, and whatever happens you are both healthier people....

thanks for the advice, for some reason i have a hard time not pushing her , and i cant help it, i have never been emotional before in my life, now all i want to do is try to show her how im changing. How do i fill her love bank when i hardly get to see her?. We are going to try to date, and she said as long as we dont talk about it then we could otherwise she didnt want to see me.
I have a hard time staying at our house without her and i cant sleep in the bed. I cry for no reason hysterically. She feels that i never cared for her when she was in this relationship, and is mad that i care now. I always did care i just didnt know how to show it. I feel so terrible

Well, if you have a hard time not pushing, just remember next time you start, you are pushing her right out the door. She's already agreed to counseling, she's already agreed to dating, the biggest way to blow all that is to keep pushing. And "I can't help it" is a cop out, you control you, you can help it and have thus for chosen not to help it, well put your big boy undies on and choose to help it.

As to her love bank, didn't you say y'all were going to start dating, well that's your chance to make big time deposits. Show her admiration, affection (if she'll let you), and appreciation. Further, do an internet search on "active or effective listening", study up on it, and begin applying it on the dates with consistancy.

Remember, this isn't all about you. I'm sorry you cry and have a hard time in the house, but also see the validity in what she says. You didn't give two squirts about her before and now that she's gone, you all a sudden care...... Show what you can...

Before you talk to her again, read through the Love Busters section of this web site and DO NOT DO ANY, I REPEAT, ANY LOVE BUSTERS...you can't afford any withdrawls....

i really appreciate your help. My one biggest fear i have is all the resentment and anger she feels toward me for letting this get to where it is. As much as i do my best when we are dating will this not be in the back of her mind the entire time? She mentioned to me last night that if we can date, and i dont push that maybe we would never have to worry about the us we had, just the us we become. Is that a valid statement? Another thing i wonder about is how long we should be seeing individual councilling and not couples counclling. I have only seen mine once and will again tomorrow and like i said she doesnt see hers for a half of a month or so. I do feel very proud that I am learning alot about me and things that i need to change and i have told her that i am thankfull that this has happened so i could be the best person possible for me, others and her, and i have thanked her numerous times. It took this drastic action to wake me up. I will do everything in me to follow what i have learned on here and what i learn in councilling. I know she felt in the relationship like i do now not with her, and that is the most terrible feeling. One other question i have, is when and what would be the best step to encourage her to read the book that i will read when it gets here (the book on this site) and to read about love busters etc, cause im sure that if we can both be on that page, we should be able to work on this together.
Again, i know now is not the time (it would be pushing) but is there a time?

“”“My one biggest fear i have is all the resentment and anger she feels toward me for letting this get to where it is. As much as i do my best when we are dating will this not be in the back of her mind the entire time?”””

OK, there’s an old saying that says something like “When you dream in yesterday and live in tomorrow, you are peeing on today…” You can’t change, take away from or add to what happened 5 minutes ago, 5 hours ago, or 5 years ago, it is what it is. Not only that, but what it is for you isn’t necessarily what it is for her. So there is absolutely positively not a single thing you can do about the past. BUT and as you can see that is a BIG BUTT, there is something you can do about RIGHT NOW. You may not be able to take away anything but you can make a living amends for everything that happened. Part of which would be ensuring that you never ever ever never do the controlling stupid stuff again, period, end of statement.

“””She mentioned to me last night that if we can date, and i dont push that maybe we would never have to worry about the us we had, just the us we become. Is that a valid statement?”””

That is an AWESOME statement….. Dude, she’s given you the flippin map, are you going to read it. To me this is her saying to you “I’m in it for the long haul, so don’t screw it up”… Listen to her.

“””Another thing i wonder about is how long we should be seeing individual councilling and not couples counclling. I have only seen mine once and will again tomorrow and like i said she doesnt see hers for a half of a month or so.”””

Easy answer, as long as it takes….

“””It took this drastic action to wake me up.”””

I think you’ll find you are not alone in that. During a speech, James Dobson once said “It takes extreme controversy to bring about extreme change”, I’ve found in my life that statement to be very true.

“””One other question i have, is when and what would be the best step to encourage her to read the book that i will read when it gets here (the book on this site) and to read about love busters etc, cause im sure that if we can both be on that page, we should be able to work on this together.”””

After you read something like His Needs/Her Needs simply say to her, “Sweetie, I just read an awesome book about X, Y, & Z. In it I learned that I used to X, Y, & Z and how that would make you feel. I think I am really starting to understand and I never want to go back to that again. Hey, would you like to read the book.” If she says yes, give her the book. Is she says no, drop it….

Once again i appreciate it, she has been through councilling a for years for many different things, but hasnt been in a while, so i do know that she knows how it works. I expressed to her that if she was comfortable, to think about something about me that i might have not yet realized that i may want to share with a councillor.
I still cant believe how clear things have gotten since reading everything on this site. It almost knocked me over reading it. I know that its not all me, but wow, did i ever screw things up. I will do everything to stay with the knowldege to not let history repeat itself and to make us both happy. We have a dog that is like our kid, when she left she had to leave her behind, and that made me feel terrible because she absolutely loves this dog, as do i (its like our kid) So recently i told her that our baby needs us and we need her, and that any suggestions she had i valued as to how to have visitation. I took her down on sunday, we went out for supper then i left, and i was to pick her up yesterday, but i told her that she should keep her for another day, she was happy. I was telling her today that instead of just dropping her off now and then, that if she didnt mind if i was going to work that instead of leaving her alone here, that how bout i drop her off with her for the day, and she was extremley happy.
Saying all of that, is there anything i need to know about this situation, any do's dont's or extra considerations?