My wife of 2 1/2 years left me about 3 months ago. Just before she left she found a new best "friend" (male). When she first left if we would talk it would always end up in some type of a fight. I do know after one of our fights she went to a hotel got drunk and became intimate with her "friend". I could not tell you if she has been with him since but I am sure that she has. He likes to take her home after the group they hang out with wants to go home.

Now my problem is when she first left she told me that there was lots of times when she could not wait to get off the phone with me, now she calls me all the time (I really never call her). I enjoy talking to her and we do talk for about 30 to 45 mins each time she calls (about 2, 3, sometimes even 4 times a day). We seem to talk better now than we did before. The big queston is should I keep talking to her or is it doing me any good at all. I do want my wife to come back but only if she is the one that wants to come back on her own. I do not need a wife that does not really want to be there. Can anyone help?

Welcome to Marriage Builders, sorry for the situation that brought you here, but you found the best place to be.

Read up on planA. You are in a great position to save your marriage. If you want your wife, yes, let her keep calling. At the end of each conversation, try to see that she has a good feeling about herself. That is one reason why people have affairs, how it makes them feel about themselves.

You can see that her other man (OM) is unable to meet all her needs, that is why she needs to keep you hanging around.

I agree with Jean.

Perhaps the grass was not greener?

Most importantly - stop all arguing.

Read around this site about the love bank and emotional needs. Order the books, "His Needs/Her Needs" and "Surviving An Affair."

Realize that her decision to seek comfort with her "friend" is a symptom of marriage disease. Her unhappiness with the marriage was likely due to each of your behaviors.

Keep talking to her and find a good opportunity to invite her to come home. Before doing that, get smart about love busters so you'll know what they are and how to avoid them.

I do want everyone to know that we did have our issues and I know that my not showing her attention is one of the real big issues. I always seemed to put her second. If she called me when we were together I would always rush off the phone. I would cut her off if she was talking and change the subject to what I wanted to talk about. One of the things that bothers me now is it seems that they are spending more time together and she is really set on us getting a divorce at the end of the year apart. Then again I come back to she now calls more and more. She sounds happier when she talks to me than she did before and there is not much of the dead air time anymore. She has commented that at least now I do not cut her off when she talks and I do remember things about our conversations now. I always try to make her feel special now when we do talk. I Listen.

Keep doing that!

Want to capitalize on her recognition of your improvement?

Find and print out the Emotional Needs questionaire on this site.

Take it to her and ask her to fill it out so you can find other areas that you can improve on, like you have for your listening.

"Honey, I really have begun to understand how I wasn't meeting your needs like I should have been. It's a real eye-opener. But I fear I don't yet know all the areas in which I can do better. Will you help me identify all the rest?"

WAT

Conversation is a top EN for women. Cutting her off, leaving the room, typing e-mail/reading while she is talking, no eye contact or feedback, etc. is the equivalent to saying to her,"I do not love or value you." (Just like for a man, not getting SF is the same.) The things you are doing well now, are probably the things you did when you were first dating and why she fell in love with you. In time, if this need does not get met, she feels dissatisfied and unloved.

So, keep it up!! It lets her know how much you care about her.

did I mess up when this morning I sent her a little letter describing to her how her smile is very special to me and that I hope everyday she finds some reason to smile?

No, you didn't mess up.

Just be careful that you don't dote too much. Don't smother her or become a pest.

Be confident and self assured. Plan on asking her for a date.

Try to mimic what you did when you were courting her.

WAT

Well this was the first time I did anything just trying to see what type of feed back I get. It was a very short card that I had typed up. I am trying to be very much like the way I was when we dated because if she asked for anything she got in a very timely manner. Then I just really showed her more respect than I did in our marriage. Now I have to just get that chance back because I can see where it could really take the self estem from her and the OM now tells her everything she wants to hear. I just want to say thanks for the replys that you have given so far.

One of the major problems that I am having to over come is my temper - not liking that she is not taking marriage the same way that I am - but I am really working on it because I know that it does not help me at all - and the OM gets the benefits. I just wished that it did not take her walking out the door for me to make some changes. I guess you really don't think it will be gone until it is.

Cherish that you've awoken; let go you didn't before.

On your temper...you had that way before you married, didn't you? Want some help with that?

I see great things in your future you.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

LA

Questions

1. The only real interaction we have right now is phone calls - I almost always try to let her call me & she almost always does. I can tell if when he is not around her now because alot of the times she will call me. Is this a good thing for me or is she just using me to feel her voided time?

2. She has made a comment a time or 2 now some of the things I am doing now that she wished I would have done when we were together. Is this a way of her starting to miss me a little?

3. When she calls sometimes she will ask me things about advise, like what to set the thermostat on, where can she find a hammer in wal-mart, should she get something changed on her car that maybe going bad or a machenic has said was going bad. Is this a good sign?

4. When she left we had (still have) a house under construction. The other evening she asked me what I had been doing and I told her that I had been picking out colors for the house in the kitchen and I actually was very excited about the colors that I had picked out and was telling her about it. She got very quite and started crying then told me (in a nonconfrontational tone) that she just really could not take hearing about the house that she had put alot of her heart and time into. I quickly changed the topic to not cause her anymore sadness. Does this maybe show some signs of regret on her part?

5. Before if we had a fight on the phone I would not have much of a conversation with her for a period of time but now if we have a disagreement (I try to end it and not go on and on) she still seems to call me just about the same amount of time.

6. When she calls alot of time she will set her self up to have to make a followup call (she will say I will call you after while) If she ask me to call her back after while I normally do not get the chance to because I wait so long that she will normally call me back asking if she had missed her call (she has caller ID, she knows).

7. I always try to compliment her about something in every phone conversation we have. I try to make her feel special.

Do I need to be doing more to make love deposits or for now just try to not to commit love busters and not add pressure?

This all sounds very positive to me. She sounds like she is doing many of the same things I did when I was a WW. I would ask my BH questions that I am sure I could have figured out, just so I would have an excuse to call.

Keep up what you are doing, making her feel good and avoiding LBs. Yes, she may be just "using" you to get a feel good fix, but isn't that what pulls a person in any direction?

The thing I am not sure about is how to convey to her that you still want the marriage, without sounding beggy and whiny. Hopefully, you will get some feedback on that.

justwokeup,

Wow, sounds like you're making good progress with your phone calls. I sense that she misses you and just keep putting in love deposits. If she asks about where to find something at Wal-mart, I suggest telling her and then saying that you would be happy to go with her to get it, either you pick her up or vice-versa.

To me it sounds like the end result will be you going to bed at night and she will be beside you. If you're working on the house, if I was in your shoes, I would build her a room, if she likes crafts, build it for that, if she's a computer person, build her an office and make it so that when she sees it, she can feel it's hers.


Also what I would suggest, try asking her out on a date and concentrate on her, make her feel good and not talk about your separation, problems, OM, etc. but if she brings it up, try to be as nice about it as possible.
If OM is against it, it will show his true self and score points for you.

Good luck,

Thanks for everyone feed back it does help me from doing the love busters because I am one that if it does not work in a day or two then I want to try to fix it but I really think I need to keep going down the same long road I am going down now. Any other feed back is very much welcome.

I just got some positive feed back from my little that I sent my WS. It was only a thank you but for me right now it will do. Below is what it said. I really do hope it made her smile. I hope to find other ways to make her feel special in the future but not to smother her too much.
Let me know what any of you think.

Your Smile

Your smile is more beautiful than a summer sunset over the ocean. Your smile is more refreshing than a cool spring morning. Your smile is more wonderful than the scent of a fresh cut rose. Your smile can brighten any rainy day. Your smile makes the people around you just have a feeling of true happiness. Your smile is one of God’s greatest accomplishments. The best thing about your smile is that it brings you everywhere it goes. I hope that each day you find a reason to smile, because it adds to your natural beauty.

Really beautiful, IJ;

I was thinking of the little things I did during my Plan A...and I realized, I did them differently...they weren't to get my WH to love me...or appreciate or admire me...they were reminders to me of my love. Like a double gift.

Turning down his side of the bed, or the bed in the room he was in...lighting candles and putting on his music for when he got home...smiling a lot...hanging a fresh towel for his shower after I did...writing in a journal a lot of what I wanted to be telling him repeatedly...to keep me from smothering him...giving foot rubs, but feeling the abject pleasure of touching him, not doing it to get him to like me again...briefly touching his shoulder or forearm when I walked by...smiling a lot...speaking less, listening more...stopping my constant judgment, even in my head...

All I can think of right now...the little stuff gets by me, though at the time, it wasn't little at all...

LA

Plan A is coming easier and easier for me as every day goes by. I am not sure if the WS is really affected yet or not but she has mentioned that she misses members of my family and that she was crying after a dream the other morning. She would not tell me what the dream was about, I think it delt with some type of fight we had in her dream because she asked me if we had had a fight in the last several days. The only thing I know is that she still comes up with a reason to call every day and I am going to stick with my current plan of not using Love Busters and trying to make Love Deposits.

May I hazard a guess about the daily calls?

You may be her touchstone...as long as you are there to hear her words, she exists, she's real, because you are more real to her than her life.

You're a real man, IJ...

LA

I know that it is a long way from a done deal but this site and group of people have given me a prospective that not many other people have been able to. My WW is really following the path said by some many others on this board. She always has to be on the go and it really drives her crazy if she is in her apartment alone for too long. I don't know if it is regret or guilt but I can tell she is starting to say little things that I do keep in the back of my head so that I can keep going down this same what seems to be a little more productive (than fighting) path.