Background:

We've been together now for 5 years. We have two sons; one nearly 4 the other 9 months.

Our relationship suffered a series of unfortunate events; Miscarriage, death, alot of moving, poverty, unemployment, a stupidly demanding job on my part...

To cut to the chase, neither of us especially myself handled this well, last fall life had degenerated badly. I was a mess, she was a mess. I never bathed, Never cleaned up after myself. She constantly yelled at me, frankly everything sucked. Life was work, a game called Warcraft we both play and the daily strife of our kids.

We'll she came to me one day and said that if things didnt change she was leaving. We'll my demanding job forced me to leave for 7 days the week before thanksgiving and another 10 days 2 weeks later.

These two extended times away from my family gave me a chance to disect not only what was happening in our lives, but what happened and why.

I spent hours crying. I got nearly no sleep between work and sorting everything out. When I returned home just before the holidays, I had in my head a list of things that I/She wasnt happy with and set out to correct them. I didn't discuss this with her save to say that "I was on it" and just to give it a couple of months... that lasting change didnt happen over night.

So I set out to correct what I could that was wrong in our lives unilaterally over January and Feburary.

I had issues kissing. I love kissing. At one point I stopped. K (my wife) hated this... so I worked around to realize that since I had issues with bleeding gums and tooth pain that, THIS was the cause of my not wanting to kiss and not that I didnt love my wife anymore. Well over time I scrubbed my teeth, stopped the infection and pain. I keep them clean 4-8 times daily and now the desire to kiss is there. I could kiss my wife all day long and love every second of it.

Everything that was wrong with me, I had a similar solution... I didn't bathe because there was never any clean clothes in the house. Volia, I spent a solid month doing 3-4 loads of laundry daily. There is always clean clothes and towels now, I shower 1-2 times daily.

I told my job I would work 40 hours a week and that was ALL.

Things snowballed with me. As layers of years of crap melted away I took more interest in my children. I shared a greater load of thier daily "chores".

Nagging and hen picking does something to a good man. It slowly kills him (well it did me). It develops resentment and hatred. Nagging leads to the loss of desire to do the little things in a relationship. Gone are the door holding, the petting, the pampering, the little love things. It's neigh impossible to give someone a foot massage when you are doing a slow burn after being told by your spouse that you are a worth PoS because you left a coffee ring on the countertop.

So I listened. Each time my wife would complain about an activity, an action or a deed I preformed, I would analyze it calmly and decide if it was valid. If so I would make a concisous effort to no long do it. After a while the nagging stopped (though I fear for the wrong reasons) and my desire to buy her flowers, pamper her etc returned. I felt good about myself and good about her.

Most importantly I sorted out that I didn't hate my wife. Sex had degenerated into total BS. 5 minutes, "opps", lets play Warcraft...

Well during a miscarriage we suffered only a couple of months after we moved in together... she died. Blood pouring from her vagina... what was in my mind parts of our unborn baby girl splashing on the floor she bled out and flat lined.

Needless to say she recovered, but this broke me. I didnt cope with it. It killed me inside. It started a spiral of events that basically ruined sex for me.

I never realized this. Funny in realizing this, things changed in me enough to work it out.

Maybe its a combination of things.. but a week or so ago we had enough in us to have sex 3 times one day... Maybe 4 hours total... prolly more time spent in one day that an entire year or so previously combined. Sex is sorted out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Now to the fun part...

Like my wife said the other day; "If you had started this a week earlier, id be over the moon now and in heaven".

During my second trip she began an online affair with the leader of our "guild" in Warcraft.

I won't review the gory details, but the end result is that she is madly in love with him, he her and literally the *only* thing wrong in a nearly perfect relationship and family is the fact that my wife is in love with another man.

Now she wants to be with me. She wants us to have our family. She is still here... but she is in love. She thinks about him all the time, chats with him all day on messages or the phone. She talks about him, she calls me his name.

She is in love.

Sadly she is in so deep now, I think its at the point of no return. I think it has to play out. Sadly I know her and even if I can be man enough to let her play out a failed sexual relationship with this man... she wouldnt return to me. The guilt ... the gravity of what happened wouldnt allow that.

So her choice is to let go of an unfinished love and always wonder about its outcome OR stay with me.

Now we both have reviewed the likely outcomes for each alternative...she herself gave her chances with him "7 months", she knows that he cannot fulfill all her needs. She knows that in time, not really too long in fact she would grow to hate him for what has transpired. The guilt and the strife this would cause our sons would kill it. But love is blind and he *is* very charming and calming.

If she breaks it off with him she will be cursed with "Unfinished Love". How could she possibly fall in love with me when she hates me from taking this other love from her? The blame for all this will be transferred to me and my sons. She will be making a sacrifice for us... she will be giving up even a fleeting promise of eternal "fresh love" bliss. It will be my fault she "lost this" and I cannot win.

She still harbors resentment for our years of troubles. She has not dealt with them like I have. This will be yet another burden and I fear that it will be unsurmountable.

So we see a bit of how f'ed up this all is.

Now let's add Warcraft into the mix. Online games are addicting and life destroying. I play them to recover lost adventure from my youth. My wife plays them because she is an unfullfilled "leader of men". She loves the rush of taking 40 people into a situation and leading them to a common goal. She loves the power, the sense of accomplishement and the sweal of self worth.

Now this guys is the leader of an established guild of 100s that does the highest things possible in the game. It took years to build this. Basically what he has done is offer my wife all this power, he lets her run "raids", he has given her power. He wants her to be one of the top leaders of the guild.

Warcraft and this man offer her something I cannot. Diapers and daily worrys about money or what kind of RV are we getting cannot compete with killing dragons.

The thing is this game makes her so very happy. It enriches her life and *that* isnt a bad thing.

Sadly though her emotional lover is firmly meshed into that. He is there, charming... flirting... they are doing great things together and this reenforces thier relationship. I cannot compete with that.

So we are screwed.

Shes tried to break it off with him several times now. They just want to be "friends". They have convinced each other that they can fulfill in eachother things that thier husband/wife cannot.

I asked her what this man gave her that I didn't.

She said: He's like an anchor.

-- *Im an anchor* Far better than he could ever dream to be. I *know* her. I' here for her. If I didnt leave for all this *nothing* will drive me away.

She said: He's calming.. He relaxes me. You stress me.

-- *Well duh!* I've been busting my [censored] for this relationship for months and shes been ignoring it and enjoying her new love. Dealing with 20 phone calls a day.. trips to hotel rooms.. lies and half truths.. the fact that my wife loves another... How could I not be stressed?

She refuses to see the cycle. Every fight. Every harsh word. Since January has had its origin in this man. She gets angry, guilty or stressed because of this and turns to him for calming. Of course he calms her.


So I wait.. in limbo... One day she says everything will be perfect... the next she does not know.

In short im at a loss... Im dying inside here.

Let’s have one thing very clear: I am not a middle-aged computer illiterate right-winger who thinks technology and computer games are the last traces of communism.

Having said that then I guess both of you really have to handle your game addiction. Look up olganon.com. If you really think this is not an addiction then why not do the test recommended to alcoholics? Go on the wagon for 30 days and see how you cope.

Why do I say it’s an addiction? Despite both of you acknowledging this is threatening your marriage I am not hearing of pleads to leave the guild or stop playing.

Although not an addict I have been in the situation of being consumed by computer gaming. If nothing else it eats away at time you should be interacting with people you love and who are important to you; namely your family. If you spend 40 hours on the job, do the chores and so on then what time do you sacrifice for the gaming? Nothing much left other than the quality time you should have for your family. If your wife wants to save the marriage then you both have to realize you actually need to go further than that. You two have to save your family.

Now. Back to the affair. Is it still emotional? Have they met? Do you know who this persona is in real life or is he just “Wulak The HorseSlayer”? Find out if the OM is married or in a relationship. If so then expose to them. Maybe you should also expose within your Guild? Or possibly the threat of exposure within your Guild is enough?

Go to Marriage Counseling. I strongly recommend following a path or methodology like offered by MB. Without a path you just meander about trying to fix problems but possibly walking past issues.

You didn't bathe because there were no clean clothes in the house? It sounds to me like there is something else going on here.

Ya when you work from home and are working 15 hours daily things tend to blur... its easy to stay in your PJs all day, put off showers until a nebulous tomorrow that never comes and then when you finally pull your finger out and tend to it find there are no clean towels and a 5 foot mountain of dirty laundry that you can select a semi clean item from to wear..

I never said it was a pretty situation just that it was resolved.

Online gaming is addictive yes.

Used however as a hobby it is no worse than golfing, orchid growing or knitting.

The problem with online games is that they can replace real life. This avoided and viewing them as a hobby and not a crutch for dealing with life they are fine.

In our case they enrich our lives and not run them. In this particular case the target of my wifes love is also entwined in the game. This makes it harder.

Giving up a love is hard. Giving up TWO loves is worse.

You play a FANTASY game that has done this:

Been the Medium of your Wifes A.

Caused you not to bath, or brush your teeth.

Caused you not to do laundry. (I assume this also means your children have no clean clothes)?

Has driven a wedge in your real life activities, and your M.

You can "TRY" to call this a hobby if you like, but I can promise you, NO ONE on this board will help you justify your actions with your HOBBY.

If you want to save your M, you have some work to do. Which will require NO more gaming, also cutting off the communication between your W, and her (Guild Master).

It time to come back to reality. At a minimum for the sake of your childern.

I have hobbies such as Golf, and computers. I play golf, I am also a computer geek.

I can go without touching either for a month (with the exception of work).

Can you, or your W say the same?

Spoken like a true addict.

So let’s compare this to a hobby. If your hobby was adversely affecting your family life would you not consider lessening time in the hobby or even quitting? Ever heard the term “golf-widow”?

Could it be that you are afraid that if your wife has to abstain from online gaming you will have to also?

Inhell-

I am actually ending my posting on these forums, but was asked by someone to come back and specifically reply to your situation.

Please take a look at this thread from the recovery board...it might provide some very valuable insight into what you're both dealing with.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...part=1&vc=1

This is MY story. The game was EQ, not WoW. But other than that, a similar situation. I wasn't a work from home H/dad, and I've always taken care of myself and my family and such. But again, that's not the real issue here...the gaming situation is.

Read up on plan A and B. Realize that the ONLY way for your marriage to recover is if she is in no contact (NC) with OM. PERIOD. Otherwise, forget it. Nothing you can do will matter.

How do YOU end that contact? In this case, it's via the game.

The only way my wife and I recovered was to QUIT the game for nearly a year...to ensure that no contact was established. Now, I know that OM left the game as well, and we do occasionally still play.

But you were right...her love with OM IS tied up with her love of the game. But you were wrong in the second part...the ONLY way to end one love is to end them both. I know...I've been there.

Take charge here. Cancel your subscriptions today. Or change the account passwords so that she can't log in...and BREAK YOUR OWN ADDICTION as well. No more play for you either. Just like dealing with an alchoholic, you don't sit there and tell them no while sipping a beer!

Read my posts. Look for a thread here on the GQ section by CARDSONLY where you can clearly see what you're wife is going through as well.

START PLAN A now!!!!!

AND...END THE GAMING.

Hmmmm....Ever heard of multi-tasking? Throw a load in the machine, do some of your "work at home" while it agitates, when it's done, throw it in the dryer, throw another load in the washer, "work at home" while machines do their work, and so on. Laundry is one of those things that can be in process while you tend to other things.

Face it, your addiction to on-line games is interfering with your life. It enhances nothing. Stop the gaming, have W go NC with her exaulted guild leader, and start working on your M.

Guys I have begged her to end the gaming.

The thing is folks. We play in moderation. We game 3 nights weekly, only after dinner and only after the children are down.

If we play any other time its spontaneous just like deciding to go watch TV. The problem is that it serves a valid purpose in our lives. If not for the fact that her online lover was also connected to the game this would be a non issue. Much like TV or Road Trips or anything else we do.

The issue is that she loves the game, she loves this dude and she wont stop. To save my marriage i'd cut my arm off. Quitting gaming is not nearly as hard.

And for the record. As a prior needle addict some 25 years ago now... no one knows addiction like I do. We do something that is a bit too fun... I'd like to not be doing it.

I have no idea how to get her from this person or the game.

By cancelling your subscription...by shutting off your internet service if need be!

I told you friend...I've been there. Great...she loves the game. I understand that. BUT...if that game means more to her than her family, her husband, etc...then OF COURSE it's an addiction. If you don't want to call it that, fine. Call it whatever you like.

At this point, because it's her primary means of maintaining contact with OM...it's POISON to your marriage. Addiction aside...since it's how she's still getting her 'fix' of OM, so you need to end it now.

Again, read up on plan A here. Consider the exposure aspects of that as well.

The bottom line is that if you don't take action, nothing will get better. And if you CONDONE her continuing to be 'with' OM...even via WoW...you're not going to be able to accomplish any real recovery.

Make it clear to her how you feel. You know that her continued contact with OM will destroy your chances of reconciliation. It HURTS you more than you can say that she's still 'with' him in that manner...and so it's got to end.

Not even talking addictions right now. The REAL addiction you need to deal with is her addiction to OM. The only way to end that...cold turkey no contact with OM. That means removing the game from your home as well. No other way to see this my friend. Again...go read up on what happened in MY case.

Same situation...wife fell in love with someone she met via online gaming. I KNOW what you're dealing with here.

Inhell,

""Now she wants to be with me. She wants us to have our family. She is still here... but she is in love.""

""If she breaks it off with him she will be cursed with "Unfinished Love". How could she possibly fall in love with me when she hates me from taking this other love from her?""

Dude, SNAP OUT OF IT!!!!

Unfinished Love!?!?!? Where did you dig that up, from your game? Thank God it is unfinished...easier to stop

She is deeply in FOG...to bring her out of the fog you insist on NC..No Contact. The chemicals that are drenching her brain will lessen and she will start to come back to reality.

YOU THROW THE COMPUTOR OUT THE WINDOW if neccessary, no need to cut off your arm.

You must fight for your M with whatever means available to you. You have come this far in setting yourself straight, get some "cajones" and set her straight.

k

OK...easy everyone. Yes, online gaming is addictive. Yes, that might be part of what's influencing Inhell's choices...but lets focus on the issue at hand...not on the gaming aspect of it. Bashing online gaming won't help.

Same drill as always here. NC is top priority...so that means in this case that since WoW is a HUGE part of the contact, that needs to be removed from the picture.

I just wanted to congratulate you for making such positive changes in your life, IH.

That you were able to recognize your own faults and systematically fix them shows determination, will power, and a willigness to do what's right for your family. Good job, my friend.

BTW, I agree with No Contact being necessary to stop this affair. I know, easier said than done. Read up on all of the MB concepts, and please post here with specific questions....you will get the help you need here.

Lori

InHell,

You are fortunate in having Owl help you out. Please follow read his story and follow his advice. Let’s not concentrate on the gaming addiction. It’s a moot point per se. You do however have to find ways to encourage NC and to maintain that. It won’t happen while you are gaming where you are. An option might be to change guilds….

I however think you need to possibly stop online gaming for some time. Just a month might be enough. Not because of the game but because of the emotional environment your wife finds there.

Look – I’ll accept that this is just a hobby. Heck – I have C&C running in the background right now. However at the moment you have to concentration your marriage. That might entail sacrificing hobbies for the time being. Be it OLG, golf or Tropical fish raising.

Ok, lets say the gaming issue has been addressed. Except again this is the medium for the A. If you are to have ANY hope of NC which will be a requirement to end the A, and get back on track focusing on the M. You will HAVE to end the gaming also. I am also aware do to the time and effort you have involving this game that will be a factor to quiting.

I guess the next step is to get your wife onboard with what needs to be done.

A couple of direct comments to you guys... then I'll update my thoughts on the matter in another post.

Owl: Seems our paths are very similiar indeed. I really appreciate your commentary and it has been very helpful.

Krusht: My friend I have snapped out of it. One of the things that Plan A/B or Plan 59 from Mars lacks is empathy toward the other side. My wife carries grudges like trophies. Once betrayed or wronged it is neigh impossible to overcome that. *If* she feels that she was dragged out of this against her will, resentment and hatred will fester inside her and in 6 months or 6 years or 20 years it will explode out and *nothing* will save the relationship. *this* is the "unfinsished love"

To the rest that posted. Thanks. Regardless of what is said it is helpful to see other input on the matter <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


I'll post some other thoughts in a different post after breakfast.

Geeze, Inhell, get rid of the freakin' game!!! Sheesh, I am not allowed to have any IM on my laptop because of my A (carried out mainly through IM). As cool as IM is -- way cheaper than LD phone calls -- I can easily do without it.

I cannot for the life of me understand how computer games can be considered "valid" or an "enrichment" to your lives. My, my how did you ever survive before computer games came along? Must have been just awful for you. Where's my violin?

Sorry, that's a bit abrasive, but gosh golly gee, this is a no brainer.

Inhell-

Actually, keep posting to this same thread...it'll make it tons easier for everyone to track what's going on in your situation.

I can appreciate what you say about your wife holding a grudge...my wife and I are opposites as well. She gets angry QUICK...flashfire temper...burns hot, fast, and then out. She'll be angry for a while, but rarely 'holds a grudge'. I'm the opposite...I don't hold a grudge...I TREASURE a grudge. Hurt me or make me angry, and it's likely to be YEARS before I ever consider letting go of it.

You need to realize something tho. There is no 'nice way' of working to end your wife's affair and re-build your marriage. It's completely contrary to what she 'wants' (read...THINKS she wants) at this point. So ANY action you take that leads to the end of the affair or to fix things in your situation will make her angry...there is no other way. Read that again: YOU WILL MAKE YOUR WIFE VERY ANGRY WHEN YOU TAKE MEASURES TO END HER AFFAIR.

What really makes a difference here is how you RESPOND to that anger. The trick here is...don't respond angrily at all, regardless of what she says/does. She gets louder...so you get quieter.

Please...take the time to read about plan A. Learn all the stuff you can here on MB. Read up about the "love bank", love-busters, the 'dynamics' of an affair if you will too. Learn about emotional needs, and see how they apply to your situation.

And...read what Dr H has to say about how to END the affair. Exposure, plan A, and POSSIBLY plan B (but that is not needed in all cases).

It will make our advice make a lot more sense to you.

And if you've read my post, and then read the info here, you'll realize I did a decent 'plan A' without even knowing it. This is what we're trying to help you get to as well. But taking active measures to end the affair are a big part of what you need to do as well.

Let me know what you think of the info here.

GBH-

Read what I posted earlier...let's focus on the AFFAIR...not the gaming.

I also suggest ending the gaming, but based on ending the affair. Bashing gaming at this point does nothing positive.