So is it possible to have sex with someone you have no connection with, no attraction to? This is what I am struggling with. My husband tells me that his 2ns was because he wanted out of our marriage. He wanted to be alone and have no one in his life and he knew by doing this that everyone in his life would leave him. He was very upset and angry at the time for many reasons. Things in our marriage were bad and I wasn't a good wife. This was four years ago.

He tells me he was never attracted to the woman. She was a trainer at his work (he just started a new job that he hated). He said they never really talked or were alone. They went to lunch together as group one time. I wonder how it is that she would invite a married man with a pregnant wife over to her house if she didn't think he was attracted to her. Or if there wasn't something between them? Which he says there wasn't that he doesn't even know much of anything about her. A

re there women out there that just want to see who they can sleep with? Is she a ******? Was she just really attracted to my husband? Was she using him (he thinks she had a boyfriend at the time) like he was using her? What did she want? He says she knew he didn't care about her. So why would a woman be willing to settle for someone who is using her? I just don't understand. I have never had sex with someone that I didn't have feelings for or was attracted to. My husband says he never talked to her again, never really saw her except in passing and avoided her at all costs. He says he never wanted to be with her, just that at the time it seemed the only way he could leave me.

Is it really possible? Was he just horny? Was he really that angry that he could do that? Did she just seduce him? I mean from what he has told me, this woman isn't attractive at all. How could he sleep with her and her with him?

All of those things are possible.


Here's a key point. Is everything you know about what took place based on what he has told you?

If so, he is very likely not telling the whole truth, if much truth at all.

HOw do I find out the truth then? It happened four and a half years ago? I was out of town. He has really never had the opportunity to do it again. He finally admitted on his own that it happened when he never had to as I would have never found out.

How do I know it is the truth?

What is the current state of your marriage?

Have you two cured the marriage disease of which his affair was but a symptom?

How much of the details do you need?

You already have a lot more "truth" than many, many other betrayed spouses. The fact that he confessed something he wasn't forced to provides you with this.

More details will be provided at his discretion - you can't force them out. If you really need those, the way to get them is to foster the best relationship you possibly can.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying you don't deserve to know everything you want to know.

The key to being able to better answer your question is hearing the answer to the question about the current state of your marriage. Is your marriage healthy? Or is the disease still present which will allow in another affair?

WAT

THe current state of our marriage is better then it has ever been, even though I am an emotional wreck. He is wonderful really. I have changed alot over the years. I wanted to make our marriage better and started working on myslef. I think this is why he finally confessed. He just couldn't live with the guilt and me trying to do everythign in my power to be better when he really could reciporcate because of his lingering guilt. He really thought I would leave him when he told me.

I have asked for details. He has willing given them to me. I just struggle with the trust issue. He is being an open book and very much emtionally there for me. He wants to be transparent. He doesn't want to lost me or our marriage or our son (I was pregnant with him when the affair happened) He feels horrible for the pain he has caused me and our family. He is doing everything he can to make it better. I just can't get past the fact that he actaully had SEX with someone else. I would never do something like that. And part of me feels like he should have to live with the decision he made. He made the decision to sleep with someone to end our marriage. But I love him dearly. I think we can have a great marriage, but will it always be tainted by the fact that he did this. He abused my trust, he violated me, he was thoughtless.

Congradulations on the health of your marriage! I'm sure you deserve a lot of credit and admiration in your role as wife and mother.


It will be tainted for as long as you allow it to be.

Yes, he abused your trust, he violated you, he was thoughtless.

I'll add, "he was astonishingly selfish."

But now, what will it take for you to forgive him? What more do you need from him about this?

Have you sought forgiveness from him for the bad juju you brought to the marriage that helped incubate the marriage disease?

JMHO

WAT

Thanks worthatry.

I have admitted my role in why our marriage was so bad, but I will not accept the fact that that made it okay for him to sleep with someone. In my book, that is never acceptable no matter what. I have apologized for how I was, and even better then apologizing I changed over the years before I even knew about the affair.

He knows that while our marriage was bad he was wrong in handling it the way he did.

I just don't know if I can completely believe what he is telling me. And the truth is he doesn't remember a lot of the details as it was so long ago and he has been spending every day since it happened trying to forget it. He has told me all the things he remembers.

I just don't know how to move past it. I think I am doing better, then all of the sudden it hits me. He did this to me. He slept with another woman. I want to move past it I just don't know if I can.

I hope I didn't give you the impression that It WAS OK! No one here will agree to that! Well. no one with all their faculties.

Not that this will relieve your anxiety, but there are folks here who would cut off an arm to change places with you. I didn't even get a chance to rebuild my marriage. There are a lot of folks here that not only have to live with images of their spouses boinking a scumbag or a skank, but who also have to pull out of the carnage that divorce creates.

Your H sounds like he learned his lesson. Please be thankful. Read other stories on this forum to gain some perspective.

It's not my intent to diminish your pain. Hardly. It is what it is. Many others here can relate to your "demons."

A course of action for you may be to seek individual counseling and seek your H's support for that. Please be open with your H about all of this. Tell him about this forum and mention that he would be embraced here. Both of you can add the value of your experiences.

Consider posting on the "In Recovery" forum to get input from others struggling with similar issues.

WAT

Thanks. I am in individual counseling and he is very supportive. Do I just need to drop the past and my issues with what happened and how it happened.

He keeps answering over and over again the same questions to the best of his recollection. But I know that it is taking a toll on our marriage and on him. It is just that every time he tells me he cared nothing for her and that she didn't mean anything I get this reassurance that makes me feel better. Then I start thinking he is just telling me what I want to hear so that I will feel better. When I tell him this he says, "I have told you that I have done the worst possible thing to our marriage. I don't know how you could believe that anything sugar coats what I did. It is bad no matter what. It was wrong. It was the worst mistake I have ever made. I will never do it again. But everything I am telling you about how I felt is the truth."

Then I start thinking what if he has had four years to formulate this story so that it will hurt me less. That he only remembers it the way he wants to remember it.

I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING CRAZY! I am so self absorbed right now in my own pain. How do I get out of it?

Disclaimer: I never had the challenge of recovering a marriage from infidelity, so i am speaking only from a position of being a croggy old balding guy - with reading glasses. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


No. You need to resolve these issues for the good of you and your family.
For what it's worth, he could be entirely truthful about this.

Please read around this site. Stories abound of WSs (wayward spouses) who in hindsight cannot believe what they did. When they get "over" the affair, they frequently speak of how disgusted they are with themselves and how the mere thought of the OP (other person) turns their stomachs. So, despite what they (or your husband) thought they felt about the OP at the time, saying they "cared nothing" now is either with the benefit of hindsight or a genuine reflection of rationality. I'm very inclined to believe them. The stories are too similar and too consistent to not believe them. Keep in mind I'm talking about WSs who have genuinely repented.

Maybe I was jumping to a conclusion in my earlier response when I suggested you not believe him. Similar to the consistency of repented WSs, unreformed ones are similarly, consistently deceitful. Perhaps I misjudged him based on your brief description. Maybe he's not just remembering it the way he wants to remember it or he's dealing with his own guilt and remorse and has to downplay it to himself.

This doesn't diminish your "crazy" feelings. I don't have the magic words to make it go away. Please continue your counseling and seek out othrers here who you can identify with.

WAT

I feel that I have had so many ups and downs lately. Some moments I think I will be better and other times, I think how will I ever live with this?

My FWH is being wonderful. I made a mistake a little over a month ago and called the FOW (former other woman?). As you see, he had a 2NS four years ago with her and never spoke to her again. I don't know what I was thinking or what I thought a woman like her would tell me. After all, she was willing to have sex with a married man with no relationship, so why did I think she would be truthful with me or even care?

Well, she told me that she didn't know what I was talking about and hung up. The next day her husband (she might have been dating him at the time) who works at my FWH work (he doesn't even know who he is) called my FWH and said "Why is your wife calling my wife about something that happened 4 years ago?"

My FWH then left work and came home. He was so completely upset and felt betrayed by me, but he understood why I did it. Still he felt he could never go to work again and what if someone there found out about it. He is so embarrassed by what he did. What he did four years ago was a terrible mistake and I didn't want to cause problems at his work for something so long ago.

Well, while he was home he called and checked his VM messages. The FOW had left a message and said to call her at work to talk about what had happened (she used to work at his work and knew how to get in contact with him). I was standing right there when he got the message and he looked like he was about to puke. He let me listen to the whole thing and he immediately deleted it. He said he didn't even know who it was until she said her name as he really never knew her and never talked to her again.

He was so upset to have to hear from her. This made me happy but I also felt bad that I was the one who caused her to contact him again. She never called back.

I know he is disgusted by what he did. He is a changed man and I believe it. He is working so hard to help me gain trust back in him. I am just so caught up in how you can have sex with someone you aren't 1. attracted to or 2. care about.

Well this is interesting....

Does the H realise that you and your H were married 4 years ago when this happened? Wow...what an odd response from a married person.

My H had his ONS 9 years ago while I was 8 1/2 month pregnant. I ferreted the truth out three 1/2 years after the fact.

So we`ve been in recovery for a VERY long time now. We don`t discuss it anymore. It`s a non issue that no longer has any bearing on our present day lives. I had a very remorseful WS too.

I think you and your H are going to be just fine. I think you are going to recover fully. Be patient with your H, be patient with yourself and keep the faith that this too shall pass.

BTW, my H did not like the OW either. But she was all that was available for an easy lay.

Who says you have to be physically attracted to her? Perhaps just the intensity and excitement of the situation is attractive enough.

I remember back in my single years being attracted to more than one woman because of the situation more than her specific attributes.

It's also worth noting that a lot of men seem to have affairs while their wives are pregnant. This could be for lots of reasons: less available sex, less attractiion to wife while she is 'bigger', subconscious fear of having to be responsible for children.

I remember being incredibly terrified while my wife was pregnant. I never cheated, but I was scared to death of being a father for the first time, and I did feel trapped in a way. A trapped person will sometimes do stupid things to feel a bit of freedom.

Just some thoughts.

If a man could not have sex with someone he was not attracted to nor cared about, prostitution, as a profession, would cease to exist. The fact that he knew the woman means that at least there was some connection.

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Daisy37- It is really good to hear that you are recovered. It gives me some hope. I am not sure about all of the conversation my FWH had with FOW current husband, but it was a weird response. Maybe he doesn't know what a slut his wife is?

It is also interesting that we kind of had the same situation. With the ONS and then and EA a few years later. I am not sure whether to acll it an EA for my FWH though because he literally talked to the woman a couple of times while at work and emailed a couple of times over a years time. I read the emails and there was really nothing in them. I also talked to the woman and she verified everything. She didn't know he was married (he lied) and was felt terrible and swore to never contact him again. She was engaged. He asid it was like he was just wanting to get caught so he could confess what he had done.

Sundog- it is interesting that you bring up the thing about affairs and pregnancy. My H didn't want to have a baby because our marriage was rocky at the time. He had to quit school to get a job to take care of us. He just had started this new job and HATED it- but he had to do it. We were in debt. I had gone off and left him while I went out of town with my mom. I was always spending time with her and neglecting him.

I was immature and didn't understand how a marriage relationship should be. I took him for granted and didn't value him or his opinion. I put my family before him. What an idiot I was. I didn't even realize the strain he was under nor did I realize how I put him last in my life. He wanted out of our marriage and he swears that this is the only reason he slept with her. It was his way out. He was miserable.

Well, when I came home from out of town, he realized he couldn't leave a pregnany wife. So he decided to just hang on until the baby was born. Once he saw his child he said everything changed. He couldn't leave him or me. He saw things differently.

I also started to change. I realized what a horrible wife I was and turned our marriage around. I became the wife I should have always been. He became #1 in my life and still is. I took care of his needs. I listened to him. I read every book about being a better person and wife. But there was still something wrong. Our marriage was rocky despite my best efforts. He didn't want to have any more kids.

It wasn't until d-day that I realized why. He was living with this horrible guilt and just couldn't give what he wanted to our marriage. He broke down and told me because he knew I was trying so hard and didn't want me to keep having to carry our marriage on my own.

Right before he told me, he said, "My world is about to come crashing down." He said that he held off so long telling me because he was buying time with me and with our son. He knew I would leave him as soon as he told me and although that is what he wanted when he did it four years earlier, things were so different now. The thought of losing me was so devasting he held off as long as he could. He couldn't any more. He wanted to be able to reciporcate what I was giving him.

He still tells me all the time that the day I told him I wanted to work things out and I wanted to stay together was the greatest day of his life. He had never felt so wonderful and loved.

Then guess what, he wants to have a baby more then I then I do. The only reason he didn't before was because he knew he had to tell me and that I would leave him and that would ruin another child's life. He just couldn't do that.

Now I am pregnant and he is more excited then me. It is so different from the last time.

Just writing this out is making me feel better and realize how lucky I am that things turned out the way they did. It is hard, but I have hope that getting through this will be worth it.

I really think the situation and emotions were more of the cause of your husbands affair than anything else. It's often noted that the OP is less attractive than the spouse in several ways, yet the affair happens regardless.

Also remember, no matter how badly a spouse is treated, there is no excuse for having an affair. We can understand why it happened, but still not condone it.

Congradulations on the child.

Thanks sundog. I truly believe in my heart that his affair was really from the situation and circumstances regarding our marriage. Although it is hard to get my head to believe that. And my FWH agrees that no matter what things were like, that is no excuse for what he did.

He made a poor decision. I am just having a hard time accepting that as I know I would never make that kind of decision. I make bad decisions all the time, but I could never do that. I am just trying to come to terms with it.

It is funny that traicionado mentioned prostitution. I asked my FWH if since there was no attraction, no contact after, no emotions or feelings could it have been like having sex with a prostitute. He said, "No, because then it would have been about the sex. I didn't do this for the sex. I had one thing in mind and that was isolating myself from everyone and everything in my life. And this was the only way I knew how to do it. I hated myself and my life." He even stated that he hated her. He hated how he felt before, during and after the sex. He said there was no tenderness. No emotions. That he used her and he feels like he is a terrible person for what he did.

I just wish I could accept what he is telling me and move on. Everything about his personality and the circumstances seem to agree with what he has told me about how and why it happened. I just live in fear that someday he will come back and say, "well I didn't really tell you everything. Here is what really happened."

I think I feel this because I was lied to for four years as to what happened on the night he didn't come home (I was out of town and his mom was at our house all night long waiting for him). In fact, I questioned it over and over again, on and off for four years. Then one day he comes out and tells me the truth.

My therapist thinks I am afraid to let go and be happy again, because I was happy and things were going great and then BOOM! He tells me this devastating news. She thinks I want to stay in my misery so that atleast if it happens again, I won't fall so hard and far.