Hi!

Things haven't really changed much in my circumstances. My wife and I are still talking and she's still living apart from me. She went on a date last night, and that just about broke me. ("He was a perfect gentleman.")

Anyway, it seems that our conversations often go to the religious foundations we both have. I'm afraid that I sound preachy and condemning to her, but the only source of strength and committment I have is my faith, and the reason I can't give up is because of my faith.

I don't want to beat her over the head, and I know that I have really blown it with her more than once by wrapping DJs in religion. I don't want to do that to her. I want her to know that restoration and forgiveness is hers to be had if she just turns around.

As much as she hurts me, I can't hate her.

For those of you with strong religious beliefs, how did you live them honestly and clearly, but with God's love towards your spouse, if your spouse was making decisions to destroy the family?

Thanks.

this is something I struggle with everyday- I dj religion topics regularly. WH is also out of the house ( as of March 16!) All I can say is that I just pray pray pray for WH- that the Holy Spirit shakes him up and turns him around! Dont know what else to do b/c he has definitely been abducted by aliens!!!!

me 29 (bs)
wh 30
dd-5 ds-14 months old

d-day- 1/27/06
wh is living away from home
admitted to contact w/ OW YESTERDAY!!!!!!!

tested..

why are you allowing yourself to listen to your wife going on dates...

what good does it do to expose yourself to such knowledge..

ARK

ark,

You're right, I guess. I just wasn't ready to let go. I know that was a mistake, but, still, I wasn't ready.

I grew a spine last night, though, and it's a new ballgame, and she doesn't like it.

At this point, I guess I Plan-A'd too long, because I feel almost no affection for her whatsoever. I *know* that I love her, because I've chosen to love her, but I don't know if I have any more tears to shed over losing her.

I remind myself of two things regularly. One I learned here from ML early on, the other I learned from a dear friend one year prior to d-day.

1. I cannot change my WH. Even God is not gonna change him. HE has to want to change first. It's called free will...it is only my actions that can HELP show him the way. HE has to want to get there, though. Of course God wants your marriage to work. He likes marriage. If it were as simple as God "fixing" it, we'd all be in recovery. It is a condition of the soul. The WS has to be ready to return to God first (his/her first love) and then to the marriage (the earthly love). This helped me because it showed me how to pray for WH, and it reminded me that my actions would not change WH--either would my words of Biblical wisdom. He has to be ready to accept them.

2) Apart from God we are capable of anything. This is important in remembering that the WS is still a child of God, just like me. THe same promises that comfort me as I cry at night and empower me that I am gonna be okay because God has a plan for me are the SAME promises WH can claim if he only repent and turn from his wicked ways.

I say embrace your faith right now. Cling to Him.

I don't know if that helped, or even answered your question.

One thing that has helped me is a prayer journal--only this is one I plan to give to WH one day if he ever comes to his senses. It will hopefully one day show him my heart was always committed. Will hopefully show him an earthly love mirrored here on earth. I write letters to him, too, in this journal. Words that one day may be read as a treasure. If they remain for my eyes only, I will look upon them as a path to my own recovery. No regrets.

Sounds corny, but what would Jesus do? When he was insulted and attacked, how did he respond? With love and compassion and forgiveness "for they know not what they do".

Seems to me like Jesus understood a thing or two about the fog too. The fog of sin. Remember that you will never be tempted/tested beyond what you can bear.

Something else that has helped me - usually people pray in one of two ways:

1 - Dear God, please take this unpleasant situation away from me, i.e. pushing away something I don't want, like the pain of being betrayed.

2 - Dear God, please give me that thing that I need that I don't have, i.e. desiring something I don't have, like a WS who has left.

In both situations, the implied assumption is that my happiness depends on a change in circumstances, but here is a third alternative.

3 - Dear God, please comfort me and strengthen my faith so that I can continue to trust in you as you develop my character through this situation. I know that I can confide in you and that you will sustain me in every way.