How is it that people keep going. I know that I have caused my divorce. I have never cheated but I also have never been the best husband I should of been for someone that I feel I can't live without. I'm a very insecure person and I have always been cheated on in past relationships and I put all of that on her when she has never given me reason to think that. Now that I am not living at the house with her or the kids all I can think about is her being with someone else. Not even being in a relationship but just being with someone else. Don't get me wrong the idea of her being in a relationship is killing me too because that means this person is around my children.
I know she is hurting too this is killing me inside definately the hardest thing I have ever gone through. She started staying out all night because she couldn't stand being around me and always assumed I would cause an arguement. I know I acted crazy when she would go out all night and just keep trying to call but all I could think about it she is hanging out with her guy friends doing who knows what. How long before that goes away? I'm in such a depressed state and keep tormenting myself with these thoughts of her sharing a experience with another person other than myself. I know i'm not looking for anyone I feel like I would have nothing to give another person.
I am trying to just give her space right now because I know i've said a lot of hurtful things that i'm really sorry for it still kills having to say to my kids I won't see you tomorrow i'll see you in a couple days. They are all I have left. I have no motivation to do anything. Nothing interests me right now. This hurt that everyone feels is the worst feeling anyone can ever go through. I have had my days where i'm fine with what is going on then my days where I don't even want to get out of bed. I still love her more than anything and I guess I just wish I would have done things different to make sure it didn't get to this. If she came to me and said she wanted to call off the divorce I would be all for it even though really thats probably not the best thing to do. I've only been gone a couple days but I miss her so much but she hates me so much.
I read through posts on here and it seems like half the people ended because of an affair and I can't imagine how that other person must feel to know that their partner has already been with another person i'm going through just thinking about her being with someone and its driving me insane I don't know how to get over this... I know it takes time but thats all I dream about and then I wake up and thats all I think about.

People move on day by day.
Are you seeing a counselor? If not, that seems like a good first step for you to help you understand and process your life.
This site shows you how to recover your marriage if you so wish. The tools are here - in the concepts section. Read them to become a better person, for yourself, and for your family.

Divorce isn't the easy answer, it is hard on all involved.

Hi Bryan. Sorry you have to be here. I'm in a situation somewhat like yours. My STBXW left me because she could not stop her A. It is the hardest thing I've ever gone through also.

First, stop taking all the blame on yourself. Sure, you did things that helped create and environment for the A to occur. But, you did not make your wife be unfaithful. That was solely her decision. An affair is based on selfishness and entitlement. She feels like this is something she is entitled to do.

I doubt that she hates you. She knows deep inside that what she is doing is wrong, and may pretend to hate you to ease her conscience.

How long were you married? Did she express unhappiness prior to the affair(s)?

Now is a good time for you to work on yourself. In order for her to ever consider working on the M, she must see that you have changed. Read the MB principles on this site. She must also be willing to give up the A, come clean with you, and work to rebuild your trust. My STBXW wouldn't attempt to do any of these things, so the D is still ongoing.

The thought of our Ws with someone else is a very hard thought to take. It makes me sick at my stomach to even think about it. I would suggest seeing your doctor to get some AD's. They really do help. Time will help you, but it seems like you will never feel good again. You will. Learn from your mistakes, improve yourself, let her know that you have changed and want the M to work, and pray. The rest will be up to her.

You will make it through this and you will be a better, stronger person for it. I know it's so hard, but it does get better.

No I am currently not going to therapy I have in the past but unfortunately I did not use it like I should have. I never opened up and never got to the true problems and how to deal with them and make them better. I do plan on going back really soon I need to go back. I want to change myself for the better and just hope that in the future she can see that and maybe we can be together again for us and the kids. I know that I have my issues and that its not fair to put my issues on them. I just want to do whatever I have to do to get the people I care about back in my life full time. I know its going to take a long time but they are the only things that are important to me.

There is no affair thats the thing. I truly beleive in my heart nothing has ever happened with anyone. I could be wrong but until its proven otherwise she has never done anything like that. Right now the only reason this is happening is because it is what is best for the kids. They don't need to see both of their parents miserable. We knew each other for about 2-3 months and then were married and have been married for almost 3 years. We jumped into it really quick but figured there are people that are together for 10 years and get married and are divorced within a year. We knew we wanted to be with each other but unfortunately I have not been the best husband and guess I just didn't see the need to change certain things. Drinking being one of them. I'm not a crazy drunk or anything I don't drink at the house at all but the problem is when I do go out and drink I don't know when to stop. So hard to explain everything because I would need to write a book as i'm sure most everyone here is the same way. Unfortunately we only get to tell the big things thats happened recently and not all the good things or even all the bad things we have done ourselve.

I don't think your children could do any better that to have TWO happy parents, living together as a family.

Is your W now seeing someone else? If not, IMHO you have a good chance to rebuild your marriage. Are you willing to make changes in yourself in order to meet her EN's?

I would suggest posting on the GQII forum, as that is where the real pros post, and they can help you far more that I could.

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JAC< No, it's not silly to have hope. Heck, my D will be final sometime in May. And even I still have hope. I'll still have hope for a long time after the D is final.

From reading your story, it sounds as if your H is involved in an A. Everything you say is typical things a WS says. And if he is, there is nothing you have done to deserve it. But you can do things to improve yourself. I don't have much time now, but I'll try to post later.

B,
You've admitted to alcohol problems. Have you done anything about this? This addiction brings depression which carried through your initial post.
You cannot recover your M, if you are not recovered. Without help (and/or personal change), you will be the same person your wife didn't want at home.

What are you willing to do to become a better person? Is alcohol really more important to you than your family? It's your decision. AA is a good resource. And alanon for your wife.

I hear everything you say. My wife hates me right now she doesn't want me to stay at the house can't even stand talking to me right now and this just kills. I know I deserve it because she started hanging out with a few different guys that I know are just friends but I freaked and acted crazy about it. I was and still am looking at it like well she didn't start hanging out with other people until she said we were going to get a divorce so its like what am I suppose to think. I've really screwed up and my only hope is to get myself in a better place and let her see that and hope she thinks she made a mistake. Thats all I can do. I used to be a really bad alcoholic and i've been good about drinking and not doing it to much for about a year now. I just don't want to get so down that it becomes the only way to deal with life outside of work. I'm pretty damn scared.

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Well, if you are a fool, then we are in the same boat together. As I said, our D will be final in May. I still cook his meals, do his laundry, iron, just like I always used to. We still have SF. AND WERE GETTING A D.

People tell me I'm stupid for still doing it and maybe I am. But it's what my heart tells me to do.

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Your not dumb! SF, sexual fullfillment.

Go to the just found out forum, there is a thread on there up towards the top that lists all the abbreviation and stuff.

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Nothing you have said is silly or stupid stuff. It's those things, the little things I think that we will all miss the most.

How do I do it? It's hard, very hard. We agreed that we'd live together until the D is final for the boys. What makes it so hard is that we get along fine. You'd never think that anything was wrong. But there is, we have had problems for a while. Filed for D in August of 04. At the mediation in Feb 05, he decided that he wanted to reconcile. But there was never any reconciliation. He started to lie, I found out that he had an affair of his own (I was first the WW) and continued to spend more time with his brother and parents than he did me or our children. He says that D is the only option that we have left, yet he says that he still wants to be my husband and he doesn't know if D is the right thing or not.

These things are all typical of a cheating spouse, I know first hand becuase I've played the game. The "working late", the lies. He hides everything. He says that he cannot get over my A, but I believe that he is just using this as an excuse to get out of the M. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. I'm tired of all the lies, the other women, everything. I was 100% committed to making our M work, and his agenda is different than mine and I cannot take it anymore.

I love him with all of my heart. I would do anything for him. He has a wife who loves him and would do anything for him, and a beautiful family...if he wants to throw it away then I have to let him go.

But it is hard and I don't know how I do it. Zoloft works wonders.

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JAC, if you don't want a D, don't even consider filing. Inertia causes many D delays. Just because he says he'll file, doesn't mean he will.
But, you do need to protect yourself if he leaves. Ask if he's considered a separation agreement denoting how bills will be paid, and money allocated. He can't leave you with nothing, but once he's out, he won't want to finance your life.