Well here is the situation. My wife and I have been together for almost 5 years. We have an amazing 3 1/2 year old daughter. We have had some stress over the last year...we lived in a house my parents owned and wanted to buy it out from thm so it would be in our names andhave the security of owning our own home. This turned out poorly and much fighting occured between my parents and I and my wife and I. She thought I was being taken advantage of by them, and was a wimp, etc...
So we decided to move and buy our own place. And we have little to no contact with my family.
Other than this situation - I believed we were on steady ground and that we loved each other and were in it for the long haul. I took my vows very seriously - especially with a child involved.
So things were peaceful - our new home is beautiful and I thought - GREAT WE CAN BE HAPPY NOW!...and we were getting along great - I felt very close to her.
She is 33 - and is a very volitile creative person - she is a perfectionist - she can be very sweet and generous and then very cold and distant. This has pretty much always been the case with her. I am a couple of years older - am very calm and take things in stride - stuff doesn't really get to me - I am consistent. I thought these differences were what made us work so well together.
For the past year and a half she has stayed home with our daughter. She has begun working again this past couple of months. Her new job is very high level, crazy, stressful and deadline oriented. She has been working 12 hour days 3/4 days a week. I knew this was a difficult transition and was supporting her in what ever way she needed. Not making any demands of my own, taking care of the baby, house, dogs etc... But I thought WE were fine...she was affectionate and things were good for us as a couple.
then last week - she got a critique on her work (remember she is a hardcore perfectionist) usually she would look to me for guidance or to talk...but out of no where - she came after me and told me she needed her space. That she couldn't feel guilty about me and my needs. She told me she is very stressed about her performance at work - and needs me to leave her alone about her hours and if she needs to stay late - then she needs to stay late. If she wants to go out after work and have a drink with coworkers to unload...then she is going to go.
I am doing well in my career - and she has told me she doesn't want to hear about my successes - that she used to be that person. She doesn't want me to touch her...not even in a simple affectionate way like holding hands like we had always done in the past. She used to call or send me an e-mail during the day just to say hi - this has all stopped. She told me she feels like she has no time to herself and feels trapped. She wants to go out with friends - and does not want to include me in this - and told me I should feel free to go out on my own and do stuff too - EXCEPT we have a toddler at home. She justs snaps at the two of us constantly.
Normally she is a talker and now she is quiet. She has lost alot of weight. I asked her what was going on and if I needed to be worried us or if I had done something- she said no. I told her I was worried about her...she said I was worried about myself.
She does still call me honey occassionally and will say she loves me when we depart in the morning - I feel like these are small victories and tiny glimpses of my old wife....but no contact.
I love her very much and support her in all that she does - but now I am starting to get scared. I feel the ice thickening.

Because you're posting this on an infidelity forum, you suspect infidelity?

It's possible.

Some of the things you describe are consistent with infidelity - but are not necessarily smoking guns.

The going out with friends without you is definitely suspicious and not healthy even without infidelity involved.

You would do well to get smart about marriage building principles in general and start implementing the ideas you aren't already doing.

Watch for evidence of a "friend".

One things about these forums...it is often said..."trust your gut feelings".

You wouldn't be posting here if you didn't have a gut feeling something wasn't amiss in your marriage.

For that, I'm sorry. However, it doesn't mean you are powerless to do anything about it.

Purchase and read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley. Read it cover to cover, then hang on to it for future reference.

Until you have the book, go to the home page and begin reading about infidelity and how it can sneak into your marriage, regardless of how good you might think it is.

In the mean time, check her cell phone records for the repetition of certain phone numbers. Check credit card receipts for meals for 2, check for location of purchases, gifts, etc. Check Radio Shack for a voice activated recorder for her car, and for your home phone. Check pockets for receipts, and search her car for clues. You may want to install a keylogger on her computer, which will find any "secret or hidden" e-mail accounts she may have. You may even want to hire a PI to do some covert looking into this new life she wants to lead. All of this VERY discreetly!!!

Sit on all you find and do not confront her with ANY of what might appear to be suspicious. Even if you are certain she's involved with someone! Instead, post here with what you find, and allow people who have been through this to guide you along a proper course of action. You will make far fewer mistakes this way, and save a lot of time and energy.

Read a few posts from people who have just discovered infidelity in their lives, and you will find they are so very much alike, and wayward spouses all behave in a pretty common manner. MarriageBuilders is a proven program to help you through this process.

It's not an easy path, and all of the work will be up to you. Wayward Spouses are capable of just about anything to "justify" what they've allowed themselves to become involved in. I hate to say it, but your W is showing some very typical signs of being involved.

Get the book... the advice you receive here will primarily be based on the Marriage Builder's philosophy. Even if she's not involved there are many things in this program that will help you build a better marriage.

Best wishes,
SD

Hey CL~
Many of us have stood in your shoes.
This a very important time that YOU don't react and fly off the handle on her.
VERY TEMPTING it is to just unload all your feelings... DON'T DO IT.

This is very important that you not accuse her, make demands, pass judgements, no angry outburst at all!...

Why?
This is your time to learn.... You need to understand. Yes, you want answers... I know this. There is a loving way to get where you want to go.

The typcial reactions will lead to further problems.
No matter how mean and cold she is be loving, caring, understanding by LISTENING to her.
She has probably given you many keys and signs to read but you have not understood them. How do I know this?
Dude, I did the same thing.

I lost my mind when I did some research and found cell phone records that proved my wife was having and affair.
When I found out my wife was acting just like yours is.

I blew up on her. I cornered her at her sisters house and threw the phone records in her face. It was ugly... Looking back on it I know I just drove her to the OM.

Why would she want to stay with a man that called her names, made selfish demands, passed judgments, and yelled and screamed in anger? SHE WON'T...

This is what is known around here as D-DAY.... The day you prove she is having and affair.

This day is key... Remember you can't take time off the affair clock, but you can sure add to it my friend.

Read the MB books and articles just as others here have suggested. If you feel anger building towards your wife, remove yourself from the situation peacefully. IT IS HARD... I know this... You can do it?
Do you want your marriage to work???
You must become smart and understand how to approach the rescue of your wife.

Treat your wife with love and respect while you are learning about affairs and how to deal with them.

Have you told anyone of your concerns yet? Be careful with this. Don't expose yet. Learn while what you can before deflecter sheilds go up.

How you approach your wife with the informatin you learn will be paramount to saving your marriage.

When you approach her about your feelings and what you are thinking have it planned out first.

Think of a plan of action before you fire the first shot! Think of what she might do or how she will react. Have a thought out response.

Do this lovingly and let her know how much you believe in your marriage. You must be the rock and light house to save your lost wife. Do not waver or show any signs of giving up on your marriage. It is important that you don't assist her in leaving the marriage. If she is to go, do not help her do it.
Don't pack her bags and through her out. Do not ask her to leave. Until you know what your dealing with don't take actions like this.

I can imagine your thinking of all kinds of scenario's of what she is doing out of the house. Don't worry about it.
You can't control her and don't try to. That will drive her away.
Listen to her, be firm about your belief in your marriage, acknowledge her pain and struggles, be her best friend.

In doing so you may get her to choose to return to your marriage before she completely leaves it.

I know at this ten seconds you are not sure if there is an OM. That's okay. Most of my advice is general enough that even if she is not having and affair, it will help you to communicate with her and asses the situation.

Be strong... If you become weak and feel it's to hard to continue with out anger. Come here and let it out...

Learn the MB tools... GOD BLESS... Don't forget the lord. Turn to him for support as well. He loves marriage...

I'm confused, CL...

You have posted in three different forums...and the last one was to Other Topics a short while ago. I don't see a response to your responses here.

I believe this is the correct forum for you. Many of your issues contain flags for an EA. I can imagine your fear becoming greater posting here. I get that. I believe you are in the right place, though, even without an affair, because this gets the most traffic.

We can help you face your fears, real or not. I hope you respond here.

LA

hey shattered dreams...thanks for your post - it was definitely helpful. I don't know if she is actually with someone else, thinking about it - or just completely worn out from daily life...either way your advice seems on the mark...I gotta just be strong and lay low until I have more information...I know she is exhausted from the new job and her focus is not the family...I hope thats all it is and if I over react then I am certain I am screwed. I am just trying to be cool and not overreact...I hope it works. thanks

"If she wants to go out after work and have a drink with coworkers to unload...then she is going to go"

This is a big red flag for me. If she is stressed in her job, and working 12 hours a day, why would she go out drinking after work? It just doesn't make any sense.

I think you better start checking for an affair.

Those of us who have been on these forums for a while see red flags that you many not see at this time. That's why you buy the book and READ it immediately.

This whole marriage building thing is about KNOWLEDGE, and knowledge is POWER. You can learn how to influence your W by your actions. You can learn in what ways your marriage may have become vulnerable.

The time to act is NOW... if she's in an EA (emotional affair)you may be able convince her to stop before it becomes a PA (physical affair).

I hope for your sake she's not involved, but if I were you I'd be cagey as a fox, and keep gathering information from every available source. Knowledge..... well, you know!

Keep us posted, ok?

Best wishes,
SD

Thanks for the replys...I am definitely checking into all the points noted. Last night I picked her upfrom work and her mood was greatly improved. She was all talk and chattery. She got good feedback from her boss and she seemed to loosen up a little bit (but let me know that she still wasn't great) She always qualifies a positive with a negative.

Anyway she suggested we all go out for dinner. Which I thought was a good sign. We went to a restaurant where we know alot of folks and it is sort of a social thing - so it was a positive and we were a family out in the world.

A friend of ours met up with us and ended up sitting with us for awhile (no worries - definitely not a candidate for any type of suspision.) Anyway - after awhile the baby started acting up so I offered to take her home so my W could stay and have a respite for the rest of the evening. I got home around 9 and she came in around 10:15 so not late at all. In my paranoia I checked her phone / e-mail and there were no outgoing e-mails or calls or anything while she wasn't with me. She thanked me for giving her this time...but also informed me she still wanted to be able to go out....that she needed what guys call a "poker night." - (where is my poker night!)

I talked with a trusted friend of mine about this...and they said they thought she had some manic / depression tendencies and the transition from being home into a crazy work schedule was too much for her - especially when she is so fragile in ego. That she could be immature and is very influenced by new things and people. Until she feels like the big fish in the small pond in her job she wasn't going to be happy. I just miss my wife and our daughter does too.

This morning when I dropped her off she kissed me and said sorta sweetly "I love you bug." I don't know what her deal is and she is making me silently go crazy inside.

How about counseling? MC/IC? Your actions matter, too. Influence, not control or cause. Certainly not cure.

I bet you were more aware and attentive, open to listening without judgment from the time you picked her up through this morning. That matters. I believe you are committed and will act from love...be very careful of resentment (where is my poker night!) because you create those and they can undue all the good stuff, like unravelling a ball of yarn. Messy stuff.

Thank you for posting.

LA

Thanks LA - you are right about resentment...I feel it creeping in alot. I try really hard to be kind and understanding but then I get frustrated with her antics. I am working my tail off too and taking care of everything on the home front and I am exhausted. It would be nice if I could feel like we were in this together and if there could be even the smallest amount of intimacy to just know that we are connected in some way.

She told me last night she and the girls from work are going out next week. I guess that everyone at this new job does this from time to time....I don't know if other spouses go or if they are also not welcome.

How long do I go without touching her (not even in a sexual way - I wouldn't even attempt that right now- just everyday stuff)? Do I try from time to time and keep getting rejected?

tell me am I just being an insecure idiot...should I just leave her be until she is feeling better?

***tell me am I just being an insecure idiot...***

Not at all. Your gut is screaming at you for a reason.

***should I just leave her be until she is feeling better?***

It is not normal for a wife to treat her husband the way she is treating you.

If you are not welcome and not invited to her social gatherings in a public place, that is a HUGE red flag.

My sense is she's got a "friend" at work and doesn't want you around when he's there -- but she still likes coming home to you and having YOU take care of her, too.

Most likely she's learning to let two men satisfy her emotional needs and that's why she's acting so strangely.

She's testing the waters to see if you will go along with this and let her bully you into staying out of her social life.

Once she adjusts to having two men, CL, it will practically take a nuclear bomb to pry her off that fence.

Don't let this happen. Show up anyway at the "after-work party," whether she wants you there or not. You'll get your answer.
Mulan

Hey Mulan...thanks for the post. Yeah I know I shouldn't be treated like this and I am really sick of it. I think you are right about this...

***My sense is she's got a "friend" at work and doesn't want you around when he's there -- but she still likes coming home to you and having YOU take care of her, too.***

Unfortunately - I can't just show up at her gathering...I don't have anyone to watch our daughter. Any other suggestions?

You know I have been a rock for her through all of her constsnt and drastic ups and downs...I am not sure I am up for this one.

If you don't have a dearly trusted friend who you can confide in, and call upon for a huge "favor", then I would suggest you consider a PI.

Most WS will deny anything and everything, even if you catch them in the act. They displace all blame on the BS, and do everything to convince you you are hypersensitive, if not crazy. "Just friends", "you are controlling my life", "you are invading my privacy", "too smothering", "I need MY time away from US".... all of these remarks are red flags.

Have you considered the keylogger, recorders and done a thorough snoop around the house yet? Some of the recorders are able to be used in cars, where a lot of private conversations take place. Voice activated type...make sure it's hidden well.

If she is involved, and if she finds out you are snooping, you'll catch he!! from her, and she'll take any covert activity deeper underground. Remember, calling cards cannot be traced, or reveal the identity of a caller. Has she bought any of those lately?

New clothes, perfume, lingerie.... especially that she doesn't wear in YOUR presence?

They all make mistakes and leave clues around, but when we are too trusting, we overlook the obvious, and many just go into complete denial... naw he/she wouldn't do that to me.

Stay focused and think with your mind and not with your heart... your heart will allow you to be tricked.

Hang in there...
SD

Out,

""Unfortunately - I can't just show up at her gathering...I don't have anyone to watch our daughter. Any other suggestions?""

Very lame excuse dude!

FIND SOMEONE TO WATCH HER!!

Do I detect some Conflict Avoidence here?? HMMmmmmmm???

k

Bumped to top for "cl" ^^^^^^^^^^^

thanks man...I am really lost here and any advice to bring her back is helpful.