I was previously engaged for 2 years. The engagment was called off by him. I had 2 issues that I was trying to work thru. 1) - My son still lives with me (Senior) and 2) I am not comfortable living in his home that he shared with his xwife.
How do you go back to being just boyfriend/girlfriend? What's the point of it all?

[color:"green"] Diamond - many people have posted to you on this.

I think if you broke it off with him, he might be more motivated to negotiate.

I don't think there is a point besides having a convenient companion to going back to BF GF after a broken engagement.

You either need to decide that it is the best compromise for you to live in his house, or decide that NEITHER of you will compromise.

From what I remember if you move to his place you would each have an equal work commute? That sounds fair.

V.[/color]

And I'm sure you know that, in its essence, it is not about your son and that house... and THAT might very well give you the answer on 'what's the point'...

Belonging2Myself,
I'm not quite sure what you mean by your response.

I do feel that if we could start off fresh, the only issue remaining would be my son...who, I would feel coming into the new house arrangement (should that have happened) would work...but not with it feeling like his house is his and his childrens.

Sunnyva39,
No, my commute would double (50-55 minutes one-way). He is not even 15 minutes away from his work.

I guess what I need to discuss with him is this: that I can't/won't move, marry, etc. until my son is no longer an issue. This could very well mean that he would be living with me during the time of college...who knows?

Hm... because I don't think your son or that house is reason not to marry (each other); moreover, to call off the engagement (btw, what does he say, why did he?).
That could be just a part... a part of a deeper issue you (both) have...
I mean, if you can find&love&accept each other in any other part of life, I don't believe you wouldn't be able to solve this one, for both of you to be pleasant solution... 'Only this' cannot be an obstacle, at least not for calling off engagement... I.e. this is just consequence, and NOT CAUSE(s) you should be aware of...
...that's what I meant by my response, that's what I believe...



See? Feeling, not that house.
And, who made that feeling? You, him, both of you...? And why?

Just a part of what I mean lies here (too):


But if his commute would double (too), you'd take it?
For you feel it as his 'selfishness'? And your 'sacrifice'?
And he... would want to marry you, but how come you cannot accept things and not to change his life so much...?

And from that, (and going deeper <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />),... many things to conclude...


You haven't yet??!


Also, I don't understand why you didn't discuss this before the engagement (and agreed upon, at that time)...
Is it because, at that time, this seemed to be an easy 'problem' to solve? And what changed that this is not now?


---
Does this response now make more sense?

Belonging2Myself,
A little background: When my husband and I divorced, I moved out of the home. I had no where to live. I roomed some with a cousin, some with my Dad. I thought that by leaving my sons at the family home, they would be more comfortable. I had nothing to offer them. They had a pool, 4 wheelers, country living, etc.

I eventually did move in with BF. I lived with him in his home for about a year. My younger son (who now lives with me) was not nor had ever much, gotten along with his father. I decided to move back to my home town and have my son live with me. This I did not contemplate happening - as I did not have anything to offer him - a house with a broken fence in town was all I could provide. So, here I was engaged, yet moving out.

I honestly did not think that my son would continue to live with me. His dad had just added on a game room and such. I thought it was just a phase - that within the year we would be married. I still did not feel comfortable with the house, but we were making cosmetic changes - which did not occur the year I was there as he looked at all the hard work "they" had done, and thought it was ok. I thought I would eventually come around. So, I guess we both created the feeling of the house - but he has told me over and over and over again, that we can make all the changes we want to.

I do believe that he called it off, because he did not feel that it was ever going to happen. We have discussed since then, and I let him know that I just needed time to adjust to the changes we were making and that I was closer than I ever was on accepting the house. But, I'm not sure how long he is willing to wait...

My X is getting married in July (supposed to be a secret - he has not said as much to me). His future wife will be bringing her 2 girls (5 & 10). There is no room there for my son...and X has made it very clear, that our son is not moving back with him - so, here I am. I am not able at this point to even suggest a date...My son may be going to a local college in the fall - if that happens, he may be living with me during that time.

My commute has nothing to do with my decision. I would not change my mind if he had to commute. I was just stating that I felt that this was just one more unpleasant circumstance I would be making for myself on top of everything else. He, on the otherhand, has not had to flip his world upside down. He's had some adjustments to make, but not like mine.

The home he has is absoultely beautiful - but I see it as everything they did to make it their own. We are gradually adding our own touches to it - but it's not the same.

Sorry this ended up being so long. I just wanted to shed a little light.

Thank you for additional facts...
(Now I'm even more confused <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)


How did you feel (re: the house, and in general...)?
How would you feel if there weren't 'that house' you lived in?


Why? Why not staying in that house and bringing your son too?


Yet you decided to move out, change the town, life...


I could understand, but it is unusual to move in then move out... you discontinued your life together, stopped building it...


<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
All I can say is that you mustn't leave your son now, like no parent of his wants him...

He could study in the town of your bf...?


Compromises are a muss, but it's always that one side gives/takes more and the other one less...


So, if you have to choose to live in that house or lose him, what would you choose?


Sorry I cannot help you more...
I just thought to 'provoke' you to think what are real causes... to help you decide 'what's the point'...

Some people can build a better relationship if not married, some people ruin relationship if it doesn't end with weddind bells...
And you know that you have to know deeply in yourself what can/will make you (un)happy then communicate that with him...
And... every choice has a price...

Good luck! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Belonging2Myself,
When I moved into his house, I was somewhat uncomfortable. She/he had wallpapered EVERY room...he wasn't much into changing it at the time. He looked at it as very hard work, money spent, done. I thought with time, I would become more comfortable - didn't happen.
I would love to start fresh. If it weren't for the house itself, I believe we would've been married by now, or at least have a date set- still engaged with a date set.

My son was upset with my divorce in the first place. He has not taken to Gary yet. I don't think he would've wanted to move in...he would've had to change schools, move away from friends, hometown, commute to work, etc. He only came out to see me once in the year I was there. It was best for me to move back to our hometown and have him live with me.

My son could not study in either of our towns. There is no college courses there. He would have to commute.

I don't want to choose between the 2. I want Gary to understand that my son will not be needing/living with me forever. I feel that I was being punished (broken engagement) with stepping up and taking responsibility for my son. I suppose if it really came down to it...I would choose my son. No person should make you choose them over your children. Time would've taken care of my son, then we could've continued to build our lives together.

We did discuss some on Sunday, and Gary did say that if he could fix things he would...I would need to give him back the ring so that it could be re-presented to me...but things are no different in the fact that we can't set a date...so again, here I am.

[color:"green"]See it bothers me that he doesn't take your feelings into consideration. Not about the house, not about the commute. It seems very selfish. I also don't really care for his all or nothing attitude regarding the marriage etc. There has to be a compromise somewhere...

V. [/color]

IMHO, if he really loved you he would be willing to sell the house and get a new one with you or at the very least find an apartment or house where you could both be closer to work, church and/or schools.

I don't understand why he's holding on so tightly to this house. It belonged to him and his X, therefore it will probably never belong to anyone else.

Doesn't he realize that no matter whether it's with you or someone else most women won't what to live in the same house that was shared with an X.

I don't want to choose between the 2. I want Gary to understand that my son will not be needing/living with me forever. I feel that I was being punished (broken engagement) with stepping up and taking responsibility for my son. I suppose if it really came down to it...I would choose my son.

I don't think you should have to choose either but, it's nice to know that if you did have to you would choose your son. I truly believe that would be the correct choice, it has always been my belief that your children are always your children. Whereas, your bf/spouse can be your bf/spouse today and tomorrow he could be nobody.

Again, JMHO.

MND2K

This has been a somewhat on-going discussion. He wins. I will not ask him again. He has made his choice to stay in that house. I respect that. I on the otherhand, have chosen not to move there as of yet - and didn't get that kind of respect from him. Not sure if it will ever happen.


His family is a very close-knit family. His parents live just behind him. His older brother lives 2 miles down the road. His sister will be building within walking distance of him and his parents. I guess he figures he worked hard for this beautiful home and he's not starting over. The children's mother moved 60 miles away - so, maybe he's thinking of them too.


I don't think he looks at it that way. I have asked him, what if I had gotten my home I shared with my then husband. He'd look at it as "cool. everything is done." Not sure he would really feel that way until it actually happened.



I'm just taking one day at a time. Not much else I can do at this point.

Thank you for your comments/insights.

Hi Diamond,

I responded to you a while back about your sitch.Doesn't seem to be much better.It's a tough one.I have a beautiful home and wonder if I will be in similar circusmtances too one day.I can't imagine moving out of it although for me,my STBX really didn't live in it long enough to make any kind of lasting impression.All his stuff is long gone and it really is my home.If I also had a lot of family close by it would be very hard to give all that up.

However,I do think your son should be the priorty and whatever has to be done to ensure his security and well being then do it.Yes it's sad that your BF put pressure on you/didn't make it easier and I do agree that there's more going on than just the house issue.I sense a control factor.He didn't get his way and then,as you said, he "punished" you by dis-engaging.That to me was very sad to read.There did not seem to be any comforting,resolution making or support.He has his life settled where he is and expects you to filter in somehow.

Anyway,if I were you,I would concentrate on my son and whatever happens to the BF can be dealt with on your own time frame.If he is willing to wait til your son finishes school/college then fine,if not,then maybe it wasn't meant to be.If there is just no way to incorporate your son and yourself into your BF's area then put it on the backburner for now.Rehashing a situation that cannot be solved right now will only induce a lot of stress.Hopefully you can enjoy some time together but as I mentioned before,I would feel discomfort being with him now after I was "demoted" back to GF status for MY choices.

How are things these days? Has he told you he loves you lately? Do you still feel good about the relationship?

AmericanBeauty,
I am taking just one day at a time with BF...my son struggles with my divorce still and I will not make any hasty decisions concerning him. I do feel discomfort - especially around BF's family. Nothing has changed in our relationship - except the dis-engagment.

I don't bring up or rehash anything. You are right, it doesn't do any good...I still continue to feel that his house is not right for me (at least right now) - and it kinda made it more so to me when he called off the engagement.

I am looking forward to landscaping/outdoor furniture this year as I didn't think I would be at my house for this long last year, I did not do anything...so, that will keep my mind off of things.


BF and I tell each other every day that we love each other...It just makes me somewhat mad/disappointed to have him "give up" on my situation and not help to see us through it.

I am at a point in my life that whatever happens between us, I will accept. I have reached a point that I am comfortable with who I am, where I am living, my job, friends, etc. It was his choice to dis-engage and it is my choice to make the best of it.