Hello,


I'm new here, but have been reading for a long time and trying to figure out what to do. I'm nervous, too.

I am a WW, married over 10 years. Our marriage was good for a long time, and I made every effort to be a great wife. I just got tired...nothing I did seemed to make my H happy. I'd always been friends with the OM (he's my H's stepdad, not bio. dad), and he's always treated me like a queen. I had struggled a long time with my feelings for him (praying, told my H long ago, etc) until I cracked this summer. I told the OM my feelings...time went by, we were left alone for a week in the same house (H on a 6 week trip, M-in-L on vacation with friends), and of course you know what happened.

We've tried to stop it, but you've all heard of the addictive nature of A's. Plus, he seems to me to be so loving and caring. And it isn't just S...we cook, clean, do the kids together, etc, and always have.

I told my H. I'm confused. I think I love the OM and want to marry him. I'm afraid that I'll miss this opportunity of a lifetime. But I've caused my H so much pain, don't want to hurt my MIL, and don't want my kids to be from a broken home.

My love for my H is spent...I genuinely tried for so long with no response. Now my H is "awake," but it's too late for my heart. Will the love ever come back? Are there any other WS's out there who have regained their first love for their BS? I have so little hope right now.

My H wants to work on it...he stills loves me. He's a good man.

My real question: How could I ever do a NC with the kids' grandad? Even if we move away, there will always be holidays, etc, and contact. As ANY WS knows, it only takes 60 seconds of contact, or a look or a kind word for all the feelings to rush back in. I agree that NC is the ONLY way to stop it. But how do we accomplish this?

Also, MIL doesn't know yet. They have a tough M, and none of us want to tell her...she's a pretty emotionally fragile person. What a terrible quadrangle!!!

Please help. And please be respectful. I know this is an unusual situation, but I am a real person with real feelings. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

I've also posted on the Plan A/Plan B forum...I really need help - and hope - to do the right thing.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good place to be under the circumstances.

I suggest that you move away, tell your MIL, have no contact and try to save your family and marriage. Feelings do come back for the spouse.

I know you probably don't want to do that, but I can't see any other way. Your past actions are going to hurt a lot of people, no matter what - your husband, your children, your MIL, other family members.

You probably also need to get counseling with the Harleys. If you can't afford it, please see another pro-marriage counselor.

Believer,

Thanks for writing me back. We are planning to move away. The difficult part is the "No contact ever again for life" that the Harley's speak of. How do I pull that off?...he's family.

Also, we have gotten CMC, but it didn't help. She suggested I keep it from my H until things were "better," (I couldn't, and told him), and thinks it's "JUST an EA," which it was for years, but went to the P level.

I've thought about the Harley's...just so darned expensive per hour! But I suppose it's more an investment than an expense. My H and I will talk about that again.

Again, thank you for taking the time to write.

Habib, it will be difficult to severe contact for life, but that is what has to happen. Who knows, maybe your MIL will be so disgusted she will divorce him? That doesn't mean that your MIL should be cut off from her son or grandkids though. I would suggest that you tell your H the entire truth [that it is a PA] and then make sure that your MIL is told the whole truth. Being honest is the first step in moving forward and recovering. But the MIL has a RIGHT to the truth and should be told NOW.

After the affair has been exposed to the necessary parties, a no contact letter would be a good first step to restore trust in your marriage. It should be written together and mailed by your H. A good sample is in Surviving an Affair by Willard Harley:

Dr. Harley?s (From SAA)

(OP), I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she?s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)

Thanks for writing...I was reading your posts to Papa3 just now.

My H does know about the PA...I came clean with him on it all. My MIL is his mother...he's trying to decide whether to tell her or not, considering how painful it would be for her.

I agree, honesty is always best, but we were hoping to move away, stop the A, and have her never know. I think it would be kill her to have to decide whether to divorce or not...they married later in life and she desperately wants someone to grow old with. Even though they have a very distant, somewhat confrontational relationship, it's still a comfort to her to be with "someone."


Yes, I've seen the NC letter. I understand the concept. Thank you for that. But, what do we do about Christmases? Family reunions? Funerals? I guess I could just stay home while my H and kids visit their grandparents...any other practical suggestions?

Plus, they will always have our phone # and we'll always have theirs...they are the Grandparents. I know we are addicted to each other...if there is any way to maintain contact, we would do it, I am sure. As much as I want to have NC, I know how powerful these feelings are on both sides...I'm afraid of breaking down to call him, or email, etc. in the future someday. Harley says that you will always be vulnerable to this person for the rest of your life. I mean, we've got YEARS to go here. Ugh. It just seems impossible to me right now, logistically speaking.

I'm afraid of all the pain of W/D, then getting over it, restoring my M, then seeing them again for Christmas some year or talking on the phone for one of the kid's birthdays, and all the old feelings come back and I'm sucked in again. Harley says if you have ANY contact, you will be in a state of perpetual W/D...it's difficult to resign myself to that. I feel like giving up.

Thanks for your help and advice. It encourages me. I've scoured the MB website 10x-plus, read every book he's ever written at least 3x, but it's good to have another person to hear it from afresh.

Habib, she has to be told. It would be cruel to allow her to go on seeing you in front of her H without knowing. She will also have to know why you have cut off contact. But the bottom line is that she has a right to this information and to not tell her is cruel, manipulative and dangerous. She has to protect herself from HIM and YOU. She may not want to grow old with someone who slept with her own DIL; that is her right to make that choice.

No contact will be much easier to keep if everyone knows the score.

And yes, it is sad, but you will have to stay home for holiday visits. There should never be any contact again. I would probably also restrict theOM from ever talking to your kids and your H probably wont want to talk to him either. A sad, but unfortunate reality.

Habiba, here is an excellent post about withdrawal put together by Suzet that might be helpful: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rue#Post2686313

I agree with Melody. It seems like a very hard thing to do.

But it is much better than running off with your FIL, hurting your husband and MIL, and explaining to your kids why grandpa is now "dad".

Melody Lane,

Thanks for the super-realistic advice.

""She has to protect herself from HIM and YOU. She may not want to grow old with someone who slept with her own DIL; that is her right to make that choice. ""

""No contact will be much easier to keep if everyone knows the score""


You're right. She should know and make her own decision. Boy, that really brings it into the light of day and destroys the fantasy! Whew! I needed to hear that. Thanks.

Would we just not let him know our new phone #? Or email? (This is assuming they stayed married) I suppose I'd have to ask them to change their phone # too. I know we'd call each other if we could, esp. during W/D. I guess my H and she would be the only ones who knew the #'s in the future. I wish I'd known all this before...but it probably still wouldn't have prevented it all. What a mess.

Thanks for the W/D link...I need to look at all of those I can get my hands on!

I'll post on our progress soon.

Again, thanks ML

Believer,

Thanks. I'm beginning to see all the consequences of this mess...which is a great step in ending the A. It really helps to hear an objective viewpoint. Can you say, "Fog Lifter?"


When this is all over, I should write a novel about it. Maybe Jerry Springer would have me on his show?

There are some good thoughts in this post. I hope that more people will respond to you and give you help in this difficult time.
God bless you.

Habiba, I too am struggling with withdrawal. Please feel free to reach out, should you need to.

Habiba,

What makes you think your H would EVER want to see OM again. He is his step-father, and he is the OM, and he has hurt his mother. There is NO reason that H would EVER want that man near him, near you, or near your children.

My guess is that his mother would come and see you whether or NOT she divorces OM. I would also think that your H would NEVER allow that man in his home again.

You really have no idea what you have done do you? That family has been ripped apart and no man with any brains would ever be around your OM again for any reason, except to dance on his grave.

So I think a NC letter might be appropriate and I doubt you will have to worry much about visits to or from OM ever again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

God Bless,

JL

sfjaj,

Thanks for replying...I was trying to email you, but couldn't figure it out...if you'd like to share about w/d, I'd really appreciate it. I'm hearing so many negative things about the OM right now, and trying to believe that he's as bad as the posts say, but I've known him for years and he's always been good to us all...that's why this started in the first place: it's hard to w/d.

I'm afraid to admit my feelings for him on this post, since some of the responses are a bit harsh...if you have any insight, I'd love to hear it.

I'm afraid of my MIL knowing...I know it was awful, but somehow I believed that she didn't appreciate him anyway, or seem to love him (she's been neg. and critical for the past few years), so I guess I wanted him to know that he was appreciated, respected, etc. This is so wrong, but it's funny how the motives start out being good, i.e. to be kind, encouraging, etc. Then things get ugly...

Things did get "ugly" and good intentions did go wrong. I hope you are beginning to see that the A did no one any good, not even you or the OM, and in fact it did everyone around you a lot of harm and grief. Your MIL has already been hurt; she just doesn't know fully how much and why. She deserves to know what the 3 of you already do. The selfish desires of you and your FIL have already done so much damage; don't keep acting on those desires by failing to tell your MIL, and by holding on to thought of a relationship with the OM. He is not a "bad" man, but neither is he the good man you think he is. People can change, for the better or worse. Both of you took many steps down a dark and evil path; don't keep walking it, but have the strength and courage to return to a right path. From what I've experienced and read, you can "get over" the affair, be forgiven from your adultery, and be fully reconciled with your husband, even moving to a much better place than you ever had with him, or even thought possible. But it all comes down to choices and actions that you do now. Each step is critical -- don't waiver anymore. God is for your marriage, and against this illicit relationship with your father-in-law. Let it go now while you still have a chance at saving your marriage. Your BH won't wait forever for you to decide what you want, if you even could being near the OM. As others have written to you, I tell you also that exposure and repentance and moving away are the only ways the A will ever end for you. When my own A was exposed, my H found out rather than me having the courage and grace to tell him. It was so difficult for a while afterwards, partly that we were both in such deep pain (caused by me) and partly that it takes time to restore trust and love (and here the burden is on you to be loving and trustworthy). The love is still there from your H, and even in you; it's just been pushed back by your sinful desires. As Jesus said to the woman caught in adultery, "...Neither do I condemn you. But go and sin no more." (John 8)
Sorry to be so "preachy" to you. May God give you a heart for Him and for your loving husband, even an undivided heart. I continue to pray for you. Let me know where you are at in this right now, so I (and others) can better pray for you. If you'd rather, you can send me a private message on this site, though the forum is a "safe" place where no one knows you and you can write freely.
May you feel the embrace of our Heavenly Father this day!

Dear 1FC,

You always challenge me so lovingly. Thank you.

You are right, I do still love my H...it has just been pushed back by my sinful desires.

You're not "preachy," keep them coming.

H has been away this week at my request. I got some space, time to think and be alone in the evenings. He's coming back Sunday. Then hopefully will tell MIL soon...I just want to get it over with: the waiting and dreading is awful.

He seems stronger now. I know the board is doing him good. He will move me to another city w/ 2 youngest kids as soon as my contract job is up (3-4 weeks or so). Then he'll follow when school is out w/ our school-aged son and look for a job there. In the meantime, while staying here, he'll get to spend time w/ his Mom, hopefully helping her sort things out, comforting her, etc.

We have lots of friends in the other city, good memories, etc., so hopefully those memories will jump-start us.


I'll keep you all updated on how it goes!

Habiba...

I posted to you on cold's thread...a question. You didn't reply in your next post.

When you say you have a double burden...do you mean burden?

No judgment.

LA

LA,

I've lost track...which topic is Cold's thread under? I need to learn to put things in "favorites."

I'll look it up...I lose track, too.

LA

Here's the link:

Why Women Leave Men

LA