This being my first post here (and my first visit) I want to say what comfort I have felt just knowing I'm not alone. Here's my story and sorry in advance if it runs too long.

My wife and I are both 30, starting dating at 16, married at 25.

We have been through the best of times and the worst of times. When we were 18 we lost both of our fathers, hers to a long struggle with cancer, and mine less then 2 months later from a heart attack. These tragedy's made our family's so close, and we were even closer. She went off to college, and I stayed home to work. I had started a business with a friend and we were doing very well. I would make the short trip just about every weekend to visit her and spend the weekends with her in her dorm. I was ready to ask for her hand in marriage when I caught her in a lie, she had met a random guy and was kissing him. She swore no sex just kissing and I believe her. Well after days of hashing this out with her I figured it best to hold off on asking for her hand (she had no idea I was even thinking about it). Well to continue, fast forward 4 years, she finished school, business was doing great, and she moved in with me. This living arrangement caused a rift in our families closeness (her family a bit old fashioned had many problems with this). Her relationship with her family suffered greatly over this time, but we remained stronger then ever. Fast forward 3 years (or so) Some more deaths from my family and still closer then ever, She went back to school part time (worked full time), and I proposed to her and shocked her. For the next 6 hours all she could do was stare at the ring on her hand with tears in her eyes repeating "Oh My God". We were so happy. The next day she called her mother to tell her the news, but her mother wasn't thrilled to say the least. She called her grandfather (across country) and he was genuinely happy for us. She asked him to come to our wedding and give away the bride. He was so honored, and couldn't wait for the day. We went ahead with our wedding plans set a date and booked a hall. She told her mother everything that was happening and when her mother got off the phone she immediately called grandpa and convinced him not to come. Well my wife was devastated and after long talks with each other and my family we decided to just elope, and thats what we did.

Business is doing great, school and work kept her very busy and as she neared finishing school we decided to build a new house. Things progressed with the new home as to be accepted. We went on a poorly timed vacation 1 week before we closed on the house, but had a great time. came back on a Sunday, closed on Monday and when she returned to work on Tuesday she was fired (for no good reason). At this time I start having difficulty with my business partner and the business soon fails. New home neither one of us working and savings account that is dwindling. She finds a new job after about 2 months and I start trying to get a new business off the ground which doesn't look good. At this point I'm falling into a state of depression. She takes on extra shifts for the money and things get worse we hardly see each other, she works overnights and socializes with her co-workers after work.

Last February she drops the bomb "I want some space" unhappy and can't see the light at the end of he tunnel. I ask her if she's seeing another man and go on to say if she is then it's all over, she says no, she just needs space. We talk for hours and hours and have some great communication going. She decides against leaving and I continue to try getting my business moving to no avail. My depression is mounting and I am blind to it. Money get even tighter. We see each other less and less. I have a feeling there's something going on with her and a co-worker but have no proof and won't insult her like that.

I want to start a family and I discuss this with her and she wants to as well, but after several months theres no luck in that department.

Fast forward about 9 months.....

I have found a great real estate deal which would put us in a great financial place, but requires us to move very far. We check it out and decide to go for it and put down a deposit. The place won't be ready until late this year.

Fast Forward 3 months....

So this weekend she tells me again "I need my space".
I ask her if it's another man and she says no. We talk again for hours and she tells me she doesn't want to move and about how she doesn't like the person I've become, and yes it's true I was very bitter, angry and depressed. I still love her so much and I promise change. She doesn't think its possible. So now here's where things get interesting...

The next day she asks me "hypothetical" if she were to have kissed another man would I forgive her? I asked are we talking about only once she says yes and I say I would forgive her. I then ask her if she did and she says no (but she's a terrible liar) I said to her I would be hurt more by her feeling she couldn't tell me anything , and being lied to. She then confessed that she did kiss a co-worker (not the one I suspected so I guess I was half right). We talk more and she still is confused about what to do. Monday shes off to work and I don't know why but I started going through her overnight bag, I was so scared of what I might find but I couldn't stop myself, but to my relief I found nothing. So she's home from work Monday night I cooked dinner and we get to talking. She wants to know again "hypothetical" if she were to sleep with another man would i forgive her. I answered as honest as I could and told her I could answer a hypothetic question like that theres to much emotion and I don't know how I would react, Did you I ask, and she says no. We continue talking and she finally confesses to an affair that has been going on since before she told me she wanted her space 13 months ago.

I told her I forgive her and ask her to come back to me. She said if she were to do that she would have to end it with the other man but she's not sure she's ready to do that.

I again started to snoop after she went to sleep and found a letter in her purse from him. Apparently she told him about the move and he had been in contact with another woman and was making arrangements to be with her. He says he will support her in what ever decision she makes about the move.

She tells me she loves him and still loves me. She is just very confused.

I am sick to my stomach. I haven't been eating or, sleeping, barley drinking and I have been crying like a baby. (I never cry).

I don't know what I would do if I lost her I can't even think what my life would be like. I felt so alone until I found this forum.

I have no insurance, hardly any money, and I need professional help.

Hey Buddy. I am really sorry that you have to be here, but hang in there - you are at the right place. We have all been there.

I don't feel like I am "qualified" to give you advice, but I thought I could share with you my experience. I was in the same boat. My W was deeply in the "fog" and thought she had met her soulmate that was 20 y older than her. She openly told me how much she loved him and how they had this special bond that she had never had. This turned out to all be BS and I am confident that it is in your WW case as well. IMHO, there is nothing that you or anyone else can tell her that will make her see her differently RIGHT NOW. She is in the fog. It may sound strange, but the best thing that you can do for the both of you is focus on yourself right now. I started reading Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil, which really boosted my self-esteem and gave me motivation and course direction. The first half of the book is about finding yourself and you've got to do that. Read Dr. Harley's material on how A happen and "love units". It really helps to understand "why".

I also lost 20lbs after D-Day, which was bad for my health initially, but helped me and the situation in the long run. I looked better than I had in years. I started focusing on myself and building my self-confidence. You better believe that my WW noticed. I bought two new flattering articles of clothing each week. I wanted nothing more than to keep my family intact, but I let her know in my actions and my words that if this is what she wanted that not only would I be okay, but I would be happy with or without her. She was no longer just "in love" with him. She was realizing that this was real life with consequences. One of the turning points was one night that she went to OM's sister's house and said she would be back before kid's bedtime (She took the kids with her). I knew she wouldn't be back on-time so I planned a night out by myself. I left a note at the entrance stating that I waited until bedtime and expected her to be late. I was going out and would be back later tonight. I cut my cellphone off and went and had a couple of beers and played darts (Something I loved to do before we had kids). I came back home two hours later and she had plenty of questions. I told her exactly, but frankly (almost like it was none of her business), what I had been doing and that I enjoyed the social interaction. I noticed that she had her wedding ring and her engagement ring back on. She came out of her fantasy world for a while.

This was not the end of our struggle, but it was a significant moment. I also previously made her leave and be with OM after she continued to have contact with OM. She was back the next day. The next most significant event was when our whole family got sick with the flu. I waited on her hand and foot as she got sick first. I then took care of the kids, then I got it and she took care of me. It was a terrible time for all of us, but it was bonding and she said she knew after that week of sickness that this is where she belonged. She was still coming out of the fog, but luckily the OM freaked out and his true colors began to shine through. She saw him for who he really was and was horrified, I believe, at what she was almost sucked into.

I guess to sum it up, when people have an A, they get to see the only the good and fun sides of their OP. It always appears that the grass is greener on the other side, but it rarely is. WW and WH don't know what they have until they either lose it or come very close to losing it. I have talked with lots of people with similar situations and not one that had a D was happy about their decision. They all felt that it was a mistake and wished they had done what they could to work it out.

This is a rough road that we as BS take. We take it because we believe in ourselves and our WS. It is going to be lonely, disappointing, and frustrating until she comes out of the fog and then your work as a couple can begin. I'm sure that you are already pretty close to bottoming out emotionally, so take charge of your life. I was a victim at first, just letting all this happen to me, then I decided that I was going to grab this thing by the horns. This is my house too and I wasn't going to let this continue. I truly thought there was little or no hope for us, but by getting myself together and preparing and demonstrating that I could move on without her, actually pulled her closer to me. In retrospect, I was actually emotionally and physically preparing myself for divorce and also thinking about what to tell the kids.

The contact with the OM has to end. I'm trying NOT to tell what to do, because your decisions are very important, but if the contact continues, it is going to be very difficult for her to get out of the fog and another PA is very possible, if not probable.

You can't and don't want to "control" your wife, but you can control yourself. When I was in the same emotional state that you are in, my wife did have sympathy for me, but that really doesn't help much. You need her to see the qualities that she fell in love with. You need to be strong and self-confident.

Lastly, you have to prepare yourself for the anger and resentment that you either have or will have for your wife and OM. As your WW comes out of the fog and you feel more secure with your relationship, your resentment will start rising. You think at the moment of despair that if she only realizes what she is doing and runs back to me asking forgiveness that everything will be hunky dory, but it's not. That is where the work for both of you will begin. She'll come out of the fog - you just have to be firm, patient, and supportive.

Sincerely, I wish you happiness. You need to find "yourself" and chart your path to happiness.

DH
Me BS 41
DFWW 35
DD 5
DS 4
D-Day A#1 22OCT05
D-Day A#2 15NOV05 (Seven year secret)
NC 15JAN06
Status Recovery - many more good times than bad

DevotedHusband - How did you emotionally and physically prepare yourself for divorce? Any details or info would be helpful.

Were you doing "Plan A" at the same time? or something similar?

How can you tell when she is out of the fog?

Thanks.

I pretty much hit bottom after about two weeks of tormenting myself. I wasn't eating, sleeping, paying attention to my kids, and falling behind at work - I was just a sobbing pathetic mess. I was making no headway with her. She was certain that she and OM were meant for each other. I was usually up all night and one of her friends gave her several "help" books. I started reading Relationship Rescue by Dr. Phil and it got me out of my rut. The first half of the book is about figuring out yourself. It really helped me gain self-esteem when I needed it most. I started eating right and exercising and was looking really good. I got control of my emotions. I got control of "me". It was obvious that nothing I was doing was helping the situation, so I started working on me and doing things I wanted to do and letting her know that I, under no circumstances, would allow this relationship to continue while she stayed with me. I posted to an online dating service, but never dated. I just wanted to check out my options. I started noticing other women when I was at the market or out with the kids and also enjoyed the attention that they were giving me. I had no plans to jump into a relationship, but it made me feel handsome and desirable. It helped give me the self-confidence to deal with our failing M with calmness and dignity. I said and did some hurtful things earlier that I now regret, but after I got myself together, I handled the whole thing better and my FWW noticed me more. She could see my self-confidence and she could see that I was not going to pine over her for the rest of my life waiting for her return. It seems a little immature, but when they are in the fog, they are really in a fantasy world. When they see that their "real life" is started to crumble, it puts this fantasy world in perspective.

The first inkling that I had that she was coming out of the fog was that night I left for a couple of beers when she did not come home on time. She was very jealous and couldn't stand the thought of me with another woman. (Go figure!) After I had some hesitant commitment from her and a NC contract, I treated her very well and tried to give her some trust. I guess when I really knew that she was out of the fog was when she stopped saying that she was so sorry for how much she hurt me and started saying how sorry she was for her actions. It was like she knew it hurt me but she couldn't stop herself and she wasn't remorseful for the act, only the pain that it caused, but when the fog cleared she was deeply remorseful about her actions.

This site has helped me tremendously, but it was after we were somewhat into recovery. I regret giving and receiving attention to other women, even though her heart was with him at the time. I never pursued any type of relationship and never even got a name, but I think it made me more aware of when women are flurting with me. My wife has always told me that women flurt with me and I never notice. I think it was better to be naive. I have noticed women before, as I am sure all men do, and have even fantasized, but never pursued anything nor have any plans to. It is just more obvious to me now that there are a lot of women that are very open to flurtation and looking for attention. I am now also "educated" with Dr. Harley's concept of love units, which makes me believe that I could have anyone that I wanted as long as I deposit enough love units.

As I stated before, I know that I am committed to this M. I do trust my FWW to a great extent, but I also believe that this could happen again if I don't meet her needs. I am trying to do that, but sometimes I do feel sorry for myself and wonder if life doesn't have something better to offer. There are no guarantees with life, so I could trade this recovering M for something that turns out to be much worse and drag my kids along for the ride, but I know in my heart that I won't do that. I know that I am doing the right thing for my kids, my wife, and for ME. I think it is just a mental game that I play with myself sometimes.

Okay, I am babbling again. I hope this made some sense. It continues to be a roller-coaster ride but the highs are higher and the lows are not so low.

Don't be a victim - clear your own path to happiness.

DevotedHusband,

Thank you so much for the kind words and support. What makes this so much harder is I have no one to talk too. I can't go to our friends, I could never hurt her like that I love her way too much. My family loves her and doesn't think of her as "married in to the family", she is thought of as another sister and daughter. To tell them would break their hearts. We've been on the outs with her family for sometime but that is changing for the better, I spoke with her sister last night for the first time in 5 years and almost broke down in tears talking with her. She wants to start anew and that is such a big step for my wife's side of the family. I am trying so hard to keep my cool about this. I know I can't push her, and she did say she would end things with the other man but can't say for sure when. We are booked to go on a cruise in 4 and half weeks, we booked this with friends and family 7 months ago, 10 of us all together, and now she talks like she has doubts about going. When I proposed to her we were on a cruise, and I want to propose all over again on this cruise, but not sure she still wants to go.

On another note, we both play darts as well. We're in a dart league together and I'm having an awesome season. We ended up missing last-nights game and stayed home and talked.

When we talk it's good but hours later I think after she has time to think about what has been said she changes her feelings. She did tell me about the details of the letter this morning when we woke up.

We HAD a friend once who was a real slime ball and cheated on every woman he was with. We never understood how he could hurt people the way he did, or why the other woman would get involved with him, his reputation is very well known.

I asked her why she would want to be with a man that would get involved with another mans wife. And why she would want to go to him knowing he has another woman lined up if she comes back to me. I think that was BIG moment, I don't think she thought of it like that.

Each minute feels like forever. I walked her to the front door this morning and saw her off to work. After she drove away I cried for three hours. All these thoughts going through my head is she going to see him today, will she end it, will she go back to his place.

I'm trying so hard to get myself together and I never knew life could be so cruel. I was always the rock.

I'm looking for work, sent out some resumes, but it's tough times in the job market. I fear if I don't land a job soon she won't take me seriously at all.

I want to pick up the phone and call her but I know I can't smother her. I know I just have to wait.

I too was and still am the "rock" in our relationship. That is what she needs to see RIGHT NOW. This is the hardest part of this whole thing and this is one of the hardest steps. As long as my wife could have her cake and eat it too, she had no intentions or realizations to end the A. I know that your self-esteem is shot right now, but you've got to pick yourself up. You don't want her to feel sympathy for you. You don't want her to be with you out of sympathy. There is NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING that you can tell her that will get her out of the fog. Your actions are the only speaking that you can do that she will notice. It sounds like she is already made her decision to be with you, but just is having a hard time breaking it off. The OM will do anything to make her jealous and lead her on. The OM, who my FWW was in love with, did a similar thing. He had a date with another intern while she was contemplating D. She freaked of course, but it was all part of his game. This will all come to light, but YOU can't make her see it. You really can't. Get it in your head right now - You can't say anything that will convince her that he is not right for her.

I know it is a hard thing to see right now, but if you get yourself together - and I mean really together - she will notice. If she feels like you are gaining your independence back, she will notice.

I am sorry about your unemployment. I know that is like pouring salt on a wound. I actually thought I was going to lose my job during my ordeal. It was unrelated, but things were looking really bleak and I had to tell my FWW in the middle of all of this. It is weird how similar all this is. You may have to settle for a "right now" job instead of the right job. Being forced to be around other people will take your mind off of it for a while.

I agree about the cruel world remark. I used to think that most people were good and gave them the benefit of the doubt, but now I think differently. Not to toot my own horn, but I am one of the nicest guys that you would ever meet. I still stop for stranded motorists and would give the shirt off my back for a friend in need. (This actually was a contributor for our failing M.) After all this, I seriously thought about changing my "nice" personality. I was tired of being the nice guy. Nice guys always finish last, right? After getting myself straightened out, I decided against this, but I do look at the world differently, but in some ways for the better. There were many problems that both me and my DW contributed to damage our marriage. Not only did I take some of that responsibility, but I also look at some of the situations that other people are in differently. I was real quick to jump on the bandwagon when a friend of a friend cheated on their spouse and called them scumbags and the like, but now I am actually unlikely to judge anyone. Unless I can be in their shoes and understand how they feel, then I can't judge them.

Nobody can make the pain that you are going through go away right now. It appears to me that you and your wife are going to make it. You are actually closer to recovery than we were when I found out. It is going to be frustrating. It is going to continue to hurt. You can't MAKE your wife see anything. You can't control her. All of the sadness and pain that you share with her right now will do no good. She needs a reality check. Get yourself together and show her what she is missing out on.

Wish I could help - I sadly know exactly where you are at.

DH

It seems that thing are improving, but slowly. Yesterday was a very rough day. She ended up coming home late from work again, like around 11:30. I know she did have a lot to do yesterday, but she didn't call to say she'd be late until around the time she'd be first leaving. The thoughts going through my head all night were just so scary. We talked on the phone her entire drive home (1 hour) and it seems as if she wants to come back, at least thats what I hope, but she is still confused. She says she wants to have some time on her own, but I keep telling her I'm so very scared of that. She says it doesn't mean it would be over just time apart. I fear so many things about that, what if the grass is greener, what if she goes to him. I feel so insecure. Yesterday I found some old pics from our high school Jr. prom. I had shared them with her and she took most of them and has them with her at work today, I think thats a good thing.

We fell asleep just after midnight, and 3 hours later I woke up shaking very badly and my heart was beating so hard and fast. It didn't get any better after 15 minutes and I woke her up saying I think I need to go to the hospital. She at that moment turned so genuine. She held me and put my arms around her and told me to think of happy memories. We then shared stories that are so dear to us from all the years we were together. I remembered a necklace I got her after we were dating for a month. She asked me if I remember what happened after I gave her that necklace. Thats when we had our first passionate kiss. She then kissed me like that, and it was such a good feeling. Kisses the past few months had felt so empty, like she wasn't even there, but last night was really different.
After about 45 minutes and a lot of laughing I calmed down again. This morning while she was getting ready for work she was talking to me about my fears of her leaving to have some space. I don't know if that went well or not but at least were talking about these important areas.

Tonight she works an extra shift that requires her to sleep at work (she works in group homes). She still can't say she loves me, when I say it to her, but she says she knows I love her and that deep down she does love me, but she can't say it right now. That never was a problem in the past 14 years.

I'm afraid to admit that the shaking has started again, not as severe, hopefully I can control it this time.

I have decided to give religion another chance. I turned my back on it so many years ago, and that has been eating away at her. She seemed supportive of this and we'll be going to a new temple on Friday night. For this she needs to leave work early, but she says she'll make the effort. Leaving work early has never been easy for her, even if early meant before she was planning on leaving and after she'd been there the required amount of time.

Now I face another day alone and the night with an empty bed. I hope I will be able focus more today then yesterday, but I'm not going to worry about it.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. Sorry you have to be here...but given the circumstances, it is a good place to be for support and advice.

Have you read the basic principles of the site, plan A and plan B?

Your W will have to commit to no contact (NC) in order for you to start your recovery. You have a good chance of success.

Continue to read and post here and prepare for an emotional rollercoaster.

Hello,
I am a former WW, now happily married to my BH. I just wanted to encourage you along with Devoted Husband to be strong, work on healing yourself and making changes in you that may have contributed to the A. Your heart is in the right place, and I am proud of you to be so intent on saving your marriage. But please face reality, and in a way prepare yourself for the worst (yes, it can get worse!). That way whether your marriage lives to thrive again or not, you will be a better person. Remember "God works all things for our good and His glory" (Romans 8:28-31). God is not for adultry, nor divorce in most cases, but He is there for you now. Reach out to Him, and you will find He is near. Find your strength in Him, and your W can't help but notice the change in you. No one is attracted to weakness, except out of compassion, and she will fall in love with you again if you show her the best of you. That is how my BH helped to save and renew our M.
Keep hanging in there, and try to make your life better during this time of trial.
God bless you,
I have come full circle now

1fullcircle,

Thank you so much for your kind words. It is a true comfort to hear from a woman who has been in this situation. I'm so glad that you were able to find what was truly important to you.

Today I left the house for the first time since finding out. I didn't think it would be so hard to do. It was all just so overwhelming seeing daylight. I went to the local bookstore to look at some books to help me better understand. I found a book "A.D.D. & Romance", I thought it was my biography. I was diagnosed with A.D.D. at age 17, but never seeked any help for it. Not truly understanding all the effects it had on my life I was stunned when I read this book. So much about my behavior I wasn't able to control that I now know had a huge impact on this whole mess. I have made the decision to seek help and get me fixed.

I spoke with my WW tonight and shared all I had learned. She too agreed, my not understanding my condition caused a lot of my faults. I asked her if she had spoken to the OM since she told me, and she said she had. I asked her if she told him she told me, and she said she did. I then asked what his reaction was and all she said was he was shocked. I left it at that, but had so much more I wanted to know. But I know I can't push, and she will decide what she wants when she is ready. I reconfirmed our plans to go to Temple tomorrow night, which I hope is a step in the right direction.

I was able to fill out some more job applications on-line today, so we will see what that brings.

The shaking is still happening, and I'm still not eating, just no desire, I'm not even the least bit hungry. I have lost 5 pounds since all this has come to light. Hopefully things will improve this weekend.

Saturday we really have no plans. Sunday we are going to an engagement party for a family friend (her side). There I will see her mother for the first time in 5 years and hope to be able to mend our relationship, just another step forward. Afterwords I had suggested visiting her grandfather in the nursing home. He has Alzheimer's, and his memory is really suffering. I'm sure he won't remember me, but I would like to see him and be there for my wife, something I have been neglecting for far to long.

ISLMW,

I think one thing you might do is cancel the cruise. You two don't need to be spending the money right now. You are in shock and don't realize the gravity of this yet. She is in an active affair and until it ends your marriage has NO CHANCE.

Please read the articles here on Plan A and PLan B. Also see if you can get in to see a Doc about addressing your depression. Depression coupled with stress is very bad and very hard on the marriage. The fact that she has been having an affair for well over a year and it continues now, is not going to be easy to take. You will need all of the help you can get.

One of the major things about plan A is the fact of exposure. The affair is still going on, and it needs to be exposed to OM's W if he is married, to your family etc. When exposing to your family ask for HELP in repairing your marriage. It is crucial because affairs do well in the dark of night and not nearly so well in the light of day.

If the affair does not end your marriage is over. Frankly, it is over now. The only question left to be determined does it remain over forever or does it get rebuilt. She burned it to the ground with her affair, she knows it. You need to face it.

Please read the articles in this site. They will help you as will the people here. You need a plan and that is what this site if for, providing information necessary to develop a plan for rebuilding your marriage.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

Your depression and anxiety are normal. Just don't let them get in the way of reconciling with your WW, and don't give in to LBs like angry outbursts, etc.
Keep hanging in there!