Good Wednesday Morning.

I trust everyone had a good evening. Let's have a great day today!

Thankful, it was good to hear from you and I am so happy that the A is over. Now there is a great opportunity to rebuild your M, and have the kind of life that we all dream of. I think that you know that the affair was a big roadblock in the road to recovery, but there is still much work to do. Your H must become an open book to you and be willing to do anything to rebuild your trust. You must figure out what happened in your M to create the atmosphere to let this A happen in the first place, and how to meet each others ENs to prevent this from reoccuring. Much work to do, but you have accomplished a giant first step in the demise of the A. I am so happy for you. Get to work.

Soon, how are you this morning? What movie did you watch and how did the evening go? I admire your sensing that I was getting down yesterday in talking about the gifts and good times. I have been feeling a little down the last few days, and somehow you picked up on that. Thanks. I'm going to keep in upbeat today and smile alot. Did you smile for me when you put the guys in their PJ's last night? I did just thinking about it and when my son was their age. Good times (like the Schweedy Balls).

Let's all have a good day!

Good morning!

Thankful, I will ditto everything Tired has said above. This is so wonderful...I'm a little jealous I must say! Keep up the good work, and still remember...tough love. You do the work that you need to do to show your H that you have changed, I too am so very very happy for you and your family. I will keep praying for you, as Tired is right, you still have a long road ahead of you. But getting the OW out of the picture was a giant leap.

Tired, I'm ok this morning. A little down, but not gonna let it ruin my day. The movie? Well, I rented two...I can't remember the name of one of them, it's got Dakota Fanning in it and it's fairly recent...something about a horse. The other, was some movie I've never heard of but it's god Randy Travis in it and a little boy who likes to build airplane..John John in the sky or something like that. The oldest likes airplanes so I thought he would like it. All of the other movies they had he had seen. Were they good? Well, I don't know. We didn't watch either of them. I went and got the boys after work and then came home, ordered a pizza and gave the boys their bath. Put on their warm, fuzzy footed pj's (yes, I smiled when I put them on) and as were getting ready to watch the movie the oldest looks at me and says "I'd rather watch Rudolph in my room". I was quite dissapointed I must say, I was looking forward to us all watching a movie together and eating pizza and then snuggling. But it didn't happen. That's ok. If he wants to watch Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer in March, then he can watch it.

Maybe tonight we can watch a movie together. I hope so.

Tired, it IS ok that you think about the good times and get down. That's natural you know. And if you want to talk about then we will. I know for me, it's aggravating when I think about the good times and get down, but at the same time it feels good to get it out. If I can just get it out, then I can let it go and those feeling will come back again but I'm still hoping that those times will someday be less frequent than they are now. Make sense?

I am so happy for Thankful. I hope her H continues to keep pulling his head out of his [censored]. I hope she keeps posting here and updating us. I hope her H is truly coming out of the fog.

Are you having a good day so far? Or is it too early to tell yet? Oh yeah, did you and Sam run the roads last night?

I'm very happy for Thankful also. I just hope that her H is coming back to the M, rather that just ending the A. I know that is a big step, I just pray that he is wanting to come back.

Kids do the unexpected sometimes. Make a big meal and they want mac and cheese or something. Maybe you can watch movies tonight.

Sam and I went to visit my brother and his family last night. They have a 3 yo daughter and Sam loves to play with her.

My day is going ok. STBXW is out of the building for the rest of the week, so I feel free. I can go to the bathroom without worrying about running into her. This seems so weird to me. I'm 6'-2", 225 lbs. and I'm terrified of bumping into a 5'-10", 125 lb. woman. I'm usually not scared of too much, handle pain pretty well, always emotionally strong, and I'm scared to death of her. Makes me feel like a coward. I've got to grow up.

I just don't know how you are able to work with her in the same building. I could not do that, no way. And you are not a coward. And it has nothing to do with growing up. Look at what you've been through, being scared of running into her should be expected.

I suppose you are right. Still, it's not in my nature to run away or hide from my fears. Usually, I'll take so much, then I have to confront it. But this time, there's no way to confront my fears, no way to win. I often thought that if there was just someone that I could fight, I would either beat someone up or get beat up, either way I could get some resolution. But I can't beat up my STBX, I love her, and would never hit a woman anyway.

Soon, how did it go with H last night? Did he work late? Sorry to be nosy, just curious. You said that you were feeling down, anything new, or just the same old grind?

Just the same old grind. Nothing new. It just bothers me that we go on like this, acting as if nothing is wrong. Having these moments of bliss, yet were getting a D. It just makes no sense to me.

Yes, he "worked"late. I got home before he did last night, it was a little after seven when he got home. Tonight he has a funeral to go to. Which I'm sure he will go to. He kept asking me last night what as wrong with me. Nothing was really wrong, I was just being quiet. And I get that way sometimes when I get to thinking about this whole mess. But he doesn't like it when I get quiet, I'm not sure how he wants me to act. Happy and doing cartwheels? I don't ever tell him what's wrong with me anymore because he doesn't feel I have a right to be upset, so I just keep my mouth shut.

You are not being nosy. So don't worry about asking me questions.

Thank goodness it's Wednesday. Only two more days to go! This dad gummed weather stinks! I wish it would make up its mind whether it wants to be cold or warm. One day it's 75 degrees, the next day it's 25 degrees. Someone told me a few minutes ago that we may get some snow this weekend. What! Snow! It's spring....I don't want no stinkin snow right now!

We are supposed to get some snow too! I can't believe this weather. It seems to get stranger every year. We must be getting old, talking about the weather and all.

I think working in the building with my STBX is a lot easier that what you are going through. I simply don't know how you do it, living with a man who wants to D you. It's obvious that you love your children very much, to bear this cross. I admire that very much, even if I think it is killing you emotionally to do this. You DO have every right to be upset. Sounds like, you get quiet when you get stressed, I'm the same way. I learned a long time ago that it's better to say nothing when I'm upset, than to say something I will later regret.

Do you have big plans for the weekend? Try to think of something fun for you and kids to do. If H wants to join, let him, but if he doesn't, go have fun anyway.

Yes, we must be getting old talking about the weather. Funny. Atleast we're not exchanging recipes or scrapbooking techniques. Good times.

I do get quiet when I get stressed. I tend to bottle it all up inside and let it eat at me. I used to let it eat and eat at me until I exploded, but that hasn't gotten me anywhere, ever. So I too have learned to keep my mouth shut. I think the being quiet has stemmed from my childhood. My dad always taught us not to show our feelings. That's the way he was.

Plans for the weekend. I have no idea what to do. It's going to be colder than a well diggers [censored] so I'm not sure. I'll have to ponder on that for a while. How about you? Do you and Sam have any big plans?

Another question, you like Aerosmith? What's up with Steven Tyler? What's this mystery sickness that he has? Mancow said first it was throat cancer, now he says the rumour is bird flu? I was just wondering cause it's driving me crazy. Thought you might know, again, don't know why...just asking. I'm silly like that sometimes.

I like silly questions, they somehow go better with most of my answers. Don't know about Steven Tyler, haven't been keeping up with that. Tyler had one of my favorite quotes of all time. When told that Wilt Chamberlain claimed to have slept with over 10,000 women, Tyler simply replied "Is that all?" I thought that was hilarious.

I was raised much the same way. My dad was the best father in the world for me, but he would tease and pick on me all the time. It taught me humility I guess, but maybe also some low self esteem. When I had enough and would get mad at it, he would get mad and whup my [censored]. I learned to hold in my emotions.

I got some quilt making ideas, Just kidding!

Sam and I will get Zach this weekend, my son. Sunday is his 16th birthday, so we will have to do something. I'll go get him Friday and he will drive himself home on Sunday. It's gonna be weird, watching him drive away. Talk about feeling old.

Shoot! This is driving me crazy. Aerosmith has cancelled all their concerts for the rest of the tour. I hope it's not throat cancer or the bird flu. If it's bird flu he's up shat creek without a paddle. Listen to me, you'd think that Steven and I were close friends.

It sounds to me like your dad went to Irma's [censored] Whoopin Academy.

So what kind of plans you got for Zach? It get's harder I guess for birthday ideas as kids get older. Taking them out to eat, maybe a movie is about all you could do I guess. But, heck! He's getting a truck! Is he excited about it? I bet he is. I know I remember how excited I was to start driving. I wasn't allowed to start driving by myself though until I was seventeen. And even then, I was only allowed to drive to school and back.

I don't know what we are going to do. I was going to cook some steaks on the grill (I love to grill and smoke meats) but the weather may be too bad. I guess we'll just play it by ear. I think he is pretty excited about the truck. I hope he's careful in it. I think he will be.

Yep, my dad could whip a butt in needed. He teaches school and coached for many years, so he knows how to get his point across. He was and still is the best dad in the world though.

Have you checked the web to see what is wrong with Steven Tyler? Got me curious now.

There is nothing on the band website. I did find something on that myspace thing where someone is posting that he is having throat surgery today I think. All I know, is according to Mancow, is it's throat cancer or bird flu.

My dad only whipped me once. All he had to do was give me that look and I knew I was in trouble. Now, my mom, different story. She didn't care a bit to whip my [censored]. But I always needed it!

I got several beatings from both. Mom's didn't bother me too bad, but my dad could get my attention. I always needed it too, and didn't get as many as I should have.

Throat cancer or bird flu. Not a good list of options to choose from.

I am so fargin pissed right now that I am about to blow it.

About two months ago, H asks while driving down the road, "what do you think about oldest son going to Disney with my parents, and brother and sisnlaw at the end of March?" I say "I think that his first trip to Disney should be with his parents, we'll have to talk about it". Now, this is before we both decided that D is the thing to do.

About two weeks ago I ask H, "Are you planning on going to Disney and taking oldest son with your parents?" He says, "I dont know if they are still going or not">

Just now he calls here and casually says "oh yeah you need to start getting Milas clothes together", "for what" I say.
He's going to Disney with mom and dad, ON MONDAY.

Don't you think that he should have told me a little earlier? I mean, if I were going to take the boys twelve hourse away I'd damn sure tell their father about it.

Am I wrong to be upset here? Or am I over reacting? Tell me if I am. And the fact that he never said I"m sorry I should have told you, well he did but ofcourse I had to tell him...you don't even think youve done anything wrong. And ofcourse he conveniently told me as he as walking back in to work because his work is more important than resolving anything with me.

I'm so sick of this. So sick. Am I wrong Tired? Shouldn't we have sat down and discussed this together? Am I wrong?

I need to calm down. I hate it that I'm not allowed to get upset over anything, even things regarding our own children. He turned it all around on me like I was doing something wrong. I'm so sick of this.
Please tell me if I'm wrong.

No Soon, you have every right to be upset. Decisions made regarding the children, whether M or D, should be made jointly. I would be furious too.

I think it was disrespectful of you to not bring this up in person, some time ago. These are your children too, and what you have to say should carry equal weight as what he says.

I afraid that you are going to keep holding it in, until you blow in one massive fireball. I did that. It felt good although I said some hateful things that I regret.

Be careful in this not to punish the child. He would probably have a great time and he should maintain a good relationship with his grandparents. Try not to turn this into a battle with them, or your boys will lose out on a lot. Your H however, is showing a blatant disregard for your feelings on this. I'm sorry.

I am so ticked. You see, I know him like a book. He knew he was going to Disney he just didn't tell me. He said he told me. he didn;t. He mentioned what I THOUGHT about him going. He never said yes he's going.

He says that I'm upset that he's going with his parents. Tha'ts not the case at all. Do I like them, no I don't. But I would never purposely keep either of my children away from them. it's the fact that he knew they were going and didn't tell me. I have every right to know.

That's why he has been so nice to me lately. He was just buttering me up. That's the reason why he wanted to "have a family night" last night.

He says I shouldn't get upset becuase if they were going with my parents he wouldn't care. I've treid to explain to him that it wouldn't matter if he was going with Jesus himself, that I'd still need to know about it. He said "well you have left the boys at your parents house without consulting me first" I think there is a big [censored] difference in 45 min away and twelve hours away. He says, "there have been times when I've come home wanting to spend time with the boys and you have let them spend the night with your parents". Well, if it bothered him then he should have sat me down and told me.

Why does he always have to turn everything around on me? Whjy? Why can he never admit that he is wrong and apologize for it. All he would have to have done is when I got upset, he could've said" you know you are right, I should have talked with you about this, I'm sorry". but he can't. Everything is always my fault. I'm sick of it. Tired of it.

If I wanted to I could call the lawyer and let them know that he has violated the D papers because HE put in there that neither of the boys were to be taken any more than 100 miles away.

I am so angry. And I'm the type that can't deal with anger. I just blow up.

I'm sorry for ranting. I'm just tired of everything being turned around on me. I'm tired of not being allowed to have feelings and be upset. I'm tired of everytime we have a dilemma, he HAS to go back to work. He can't talk to me. His job is more important than me or our boys.

He called here a little bit ago. I told them to tell him I was gone. They know we were arguing, it got pretty heated. Especially when he called me a ****** again. Which has nothing to do with our argument. I'm not a ******. Yeah, I made a mistake. I have been forgiven, and then he made the same mistake but it's ok for him to do it.

I'm tired of this crap.

I'm so sorry Soon. I hate this for you. I think he sees your point in all of this, maybe he's just to stubborn to admit it.

I can't imagine being too busy at work to deal with a W and family. He's spoiled rotten if he can't see how important that is. I would do anything to have a chance to work on my M and reunite my family.

Probably the worst of all is him bringing up the past. He does that because he knows it hurts you. Why does he want to hurt you? I think your H needs to grow up and see the world for what it really is. This is not a game and if he does something stupid now, somebody is going to get hurt. Whether his W or his kids.

Don't hold all of this in Soon. Come on here and rant all you want, or at least go outside and scream for a little while.

Well, I'm over it now. But now I have to go home. It's times like this when I realize what kind of marriage I'm in. His work is more important and his family is more important. If it's like this now, I can imagine how this co-parenting thing is going to work later.

What I'm upset about, is all he had to do is tell me that he was sorry for not telling me earlier. But He can NEVER do that. I can't think of one time that he has ever apologized to me for anything serious, anything that's worth apologizing for.

He is so consumed with his job and what his family wants that everything else in un-important.

I'm so upset right now. I'm over the anger. Now, the hurt has set in. I can't keep the tears from welling up in my eyes and I hate that. Trying to hide it. And everyone keeps looking at me. I'm usually good at hiding the feelings but not this time.

I don't want to go home tonight. I want to just say, oh by the way me and the boys are flying out to California. Oops, I forgot to tell you didn't I?

I'm so tired and worn out today. I was fine before he called, and then everything went to pot.

I'm sorry Tired, I wanted to only talk about good things today. And then this. I'm sorry.

He just stopped in here to apologize. I don't even care. I don't care anymore. I might tomorrow, but not right now. He's not sorry. He's not. I'm tired of being called a ******, I'm tired of being talked down to . I am tired of it all.

Where in the ****** are you?