I haven't posted in a while. I have been in Plan A now for about 9 months. I know that is too long, but am having a hard time going to Plan B. I feel like Plan B initiated by the BS...like asking the WH to leave...means that BS is ready for D if that should happen. I do not want to divorce, but am at my wits end.

My WH will not confirm that there is OW. For the past 9 months life has been up and down. There are time when WH makes an effort and acts like he wants to be married and a part of our family and other times when he does not. I found out about OW back in June 2005. I have had no concrete evidence since then other than WH not committing to our marriage. So reasonable deduction is that there is OW.

WH told me during Christmas that he wanted our M to work. That he did not want it to end. But he has done nothing to show me that. He comes home every night, but does not eat dinner with us. A lot of the time he has a work function to go to. Which is true, but he chooses to go to all of them. He is retiring at the end of May and he could be slacking off a little, but he is not. He is home every weekend and acts fine, but not like a husband. He is nice and we get a long and talk, but no intimacy or R talk at all.

I did get him to open up once very briefly about 2 weeks ago and he said he thought he wanted our M to work and that he could not leave me and the kids even if he wanted to. I gave him some MB stuff to read, he said he did but who knows.

I know it is time for Plan B, but I am scared. My situation is this. WH is in the military and we are far away from any family. All my close friends moved last summer so I am alone a lot. My WH is in NYC and always has people around him and things to do. I am a stay at home Mom and home school my youngest so getting a job is hard. At night I am driving my 2 boys to hockey and lacrosse and since we have no family to help it is all my responsibility.

Since we moved so often my husband was always the best friend I had. We did everything together as a family. When he retires we will have to move and we will choose where that will be. If I am in Plan B then I will have to decide where to move me and my kids and go somewhere alone. I am scared about this.

I feel like my WH is enjoying these last few months of being in NYC and being a Marine and then he will decide if he wants his wife and kids. I think this is unfair and I need to make some decisions.

Any advice? Thanks!

I think you need to EXPOSE him before doing PLAN B. I think that was the FIRST NAIL into the coffin for my FWH's A. What do I mean? Finding out who the OW is...catching them if necessary...

Why? You are evidencing SELF-RESPECT and that you are IN THIS FOR A FIGHT..A RIGHTEOUS FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE...

Gives the message: "WH, I know exactly what you are doing and I will not be fooled by you any longer..."

Didn't I talk to you many months ago about a trip to the city?

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HI Lost!
I was thinking about you this morning and was actually going to call you out to see what was happening.

Where is your family? Would you consider moving there? Have you been getting your ducks in a row?...gathering financial info, insurance info, investment info, starting a nest egg for your self.

Have you told your H that you are not happy with the way your M is now? Do you know what you want from him to make M better? Have you thought about your boundaries?

Do you plan to stick it out until May when he retires?

I know how you feel. Our situations are similar. I have drawn my line in the sand. I do not want a D but I WILL not stay in a M that I don't feel loved or valued, I feel like a servant who is invisiable at times. I've made a stand...work on M or separate. He won't work on M (other than coming home at night) and he won't leave. In NJ you can't force someone to leave...there is no legal separation...so I am filing for D...hopefully I will be able to delay the judgement. I have come to the point that I would rather be D and have my self-respect than stay in a M and have NO respect.

This is a difficult situation. It is just another way WS avoids accepting responsibility, forcing BS to take action. How is your love bank holding up? My reserves are very low.

You may have to force a R conversation and tell him how you are feeling. Set down the boundaries. Let him know that you are not happy with the M and you need to see action. You need to take a stand for yourself. Don't play the blame game but tell him what you want and what you expect. You want to be his wife and you want him to be a husband. You may be married but he is not being much of a husband right now.

PLEASE keep posting!

Honestly I am having trouble getting proof. I have talked to my WH about this OW and he says there is nothing going on. Now, we all know that's not true, but I have no proof. He has a work email that is passworded that he does all correspondance from. He has a government car that can't be bugged. He has a work cell phone that is passworded. So before exposure there has to be proof and that is not easy to come by.

WH has no parents or family to expose to. I will eventually tell my parents, but they are of the type where they will never speak to him again if we reconcile so I want to make sure I expose to them at the right time.

I did force my WH to have a conversation. Can you say pulling teeth??!!?? He did say that he "thinks" he wants to stay married. He said he can't imagine breaking our family apart, but his actions show otherwise. When asked about OW he said she is nothing. I asked him did he love her and he said no. I asked him to talk to me about her and he said no.

I never wanted to move back home near my parents. I will be very unhappy if that has to happen.

I did ask him one time to move out. In fact I got a bag and put his clothes in while he stood there and watched. I told him to leave. He said he didn't want to leave.

I am just not sure what to do at this point.

Check out Hurtinginokla's thread for a post from Merge.

Have you asked him for the passwords? His response will tell you a lot.

In my case...I really do believe A is over...but he still will not admit to anything of commit to M. I think he is truely stuck in a mid-life crisis. I don't know how to help him out of it.

My WH's responses to direct questions about his secret activities never told me anything. He could lie with a STRAIGHT FACE..giving NO INDICATION of his DECEITFULNESS...

We recently joked about this. He told me that he was able to "ACT" by convincing himself "at that moment" that his "lies" were the TRUTH... HE WAS SO CONVINCING!!

Can you employ a PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR?

No money for a PI.

I saw the post to hurtinginokla, but need to go back and really read it.

I really believe my WH wants to be married and single. Does this happen often? My WH also seems stuck. I see flashes of my H and then WH creeps back in.

Plan B seems to be the answer, but he will not move out. And I have 3 children so I'm not going anywhere.

I really feel lost as to what to do right now.

How are you?

Have you come up with some kind of plan?

What is your support system in real life?

Lost:

The danger with your situation, just like with mine, is that my FWH got DEEPER and DEEPER into the A, the LONGER that I ENABLED it. Plus, without D-Day, I'm pretty sure he would have maintained the status quo..just like your WH for as long as possible. He would have had his fun with her and then come home at night to go to sleep..going away with her some weekends...YUK..This went on FOR YEARS!!!!

What would YOU DO if YOU DECIDED that YOU COULD NOT TOLERATE THIS SITUATION ANY LONGER?

You say that you can not afford a PI? Why not ask him for some extra money and not tell him why you need it? He probably has a secret stash somewhere...

How about telling him that you will help him find an apartment that would fit within his budget after paying you the spousal and child support that you are due? He would be obligated to do this given that he is in the military...

Plus, it seems that YOU NEED TO GET AWAY some weekends or even weeknights..Don't you need a break from being the LACROSSE MOM? Get yourself a hotel room..in the city even..and make him have to help you with the parenting duties..Why do you have to do this all by yourself?

Just SOME ideas I had...

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