I am curious to hear from women about a few things?
My wife just started a new job in Feb. very stressful / performance and deadline driven. She is working many 12 hour days and is exhausted. This is after being home for the past year and a half with our 3 1/2 yaer old daughter. She told me last saturday she just needed her space - she wanted to go out with her friends from work / without me. She feels like she doesn't know who she is right now.

Is this a red flag? When she says space - what does this mean and how do I give it to her without giving too much - or too little.

She is very emotional and volitile. If I push her or put any of my needs out there she gets angry quickly.

What do I do to keep us strong and give her what she needs.

She suggested we see my family this coming weekend...but my family is a definite soar spot and I am afraid she may be testing me and may give us a huge reason to fight.

What do I do?

cl....

"I need space" is a line that is used as an alternative to "I want to get away from you now".

Sorry, to be so blunt, but that is what it is. My H wanted "space" to think, etc....I came to find out that he wanted to go drinking with his bodies, date other women, etc.

So, space is just the key word to tell you there is trouble in your marriage and it needs to be addressed.

Just think, can you imagine your Wife saying "I need space" when you two were dating? No, noone says that when things are good. Why would I need space away from the person I love and want to be with?

I am not telling you there is an A. I am telling you that she is drifting away from you and that needs to be addressed.

Whether there is an A or not, probably requires more red flags......or facts.

Best to you....
Daisy <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Thanks daisy .
But what exactly do I do - how do I approach her supportively without seeming needing?

This does sound like something to pay attention to.



Have you asked her what this means and what it is that's resulting in her feelings? Does she feel pressured by you in some way? Have you shared with her your concerns over the effect that "too much space" can cause?

If you can state it in a way that focuses your concerns on the damage it can cause to your marriage, rather than strictly on how it affects you, she may be a little more receptive, given that caring for the marriage shows regard for both parties, instead of just one or the other.

What is the source of her anger?

Have you asked her to fill out the EN Questionnaire?

As far as visiting your family, have you shared your concerns with her? I understand what you are trying to say, but if it is stated to her the way you stated it here...



It could be perceived as blaming or accusatory and could possibly cause her defenses to rise.

Maybe you could just share with her that you are concerned with any friction it could cause and tell her you are interested in discussing some ways to combat it.

I recently came across a communication technique that has been very helpful for my H and myself. If you care to read it, it could give you some insight into communicating with her in a manner that is constructive and avoids causing further damage to an already difficult situation for you both.

Here is the communication technique:

This communication technique is comprised of three elements -

mirroring/validating/empathizing

The net effect is that it offers an opportunity for both people to have the experience of being accurately heard, validated as worthwhile human beings, and bonded in empathy.

Mirroring - I am listening so carefully that I can mirror back to you what you've just said.

Validating - I affirm you and your right to have these feelings and hold these opinions.

Empathizing - I can enter into your world and feel what you are feeling.

Mirroring

1.) You recognize that you have something you want to share with your partner (it's best to start with something positive until the process begins to feel more natural, at which time you can use the technique to talk about concerns or frustrations).

2.) Begin by thanking your partner for his/her willingness to talk with you.

3.) State the essence of your message. Make it an "I" message and focus on what you see, think, hear, feel, or desire and then STOP.

4.) Your partner mirrors your message back. Mirroring, in this sense, means responding with an accurate paraphrase. If you find that difficult, you can start by mirroring the exact words. The goal is for your partner to repeat your communication without adding or subtracting anything else. When you are finished, your partner asks if the mirror was accurate.

5.) You say, "Yes, you got it" or "No, not quite." If the mirror was not accurate, you repeat your message once again. Your partner then attempts to mirror you again. Repeat Steps 3-5 until your partner mirrors you accurately.

6.) After confirmation that the mirror is accurate, your partner asks, "Is there more about that?" If so, you say it, and your partner mirrors your additional communication accurately. When the mirror is accurate and you have no more you want to say, your partner then says: "Let me see if I got all of that," and then he offers a summary of all he has heard. The summary reflects the substance of what you said, and avoids the tendency to simply respond to the last words we heard.

Validating

This part can be a little tricky. Most people think of validating as synonymous with agreeing. Whether you agree with what has been said or not doesn't matter. You are supporting the notion that "truth" is subjective, that every person is entitled to his or her own feelings and point of view, and that your perspective doesn't issue forth from the center of the universe.

Your partner has valid reasons for seeing the world as he or she does. It's not for you or anyone else to dismiss or demean these views or even try to change them.

Examples of validating statements:

- I get what you are saying, and you make sense.
- I can see how you would think about it that way.
- I absolutely see what you are saying and why.
It makes sense that you...
- I can see that you have given this plenty
of thought, and I can see what you are saying.
- I didn't know you thought about it like that,
but now that you tell me, I can see how that
makes sense.
- I want to understand you better and what you've
just said helps me enormously.

Empathizing

The empathetic message is:

You are not alone. Although I recognize that we are separate individuals, I can feel at least some of what you are feeling.

To get a sense of how important empathy is, imagine an interchange where your partner accurately mirrors you, and states your right to have your feelings, but is dead to any empathetic understanding of what your experience has been. This encounter would make you feel alien and alone.

Impairment of this capacity causes a bigger gulf between two people than an impairment of language. Two people who speak different languages can still connect through their ability to put themselves in each other's place.

There is no need to be defended or ready for battle. Instead, the sender thinks, "Oh! My partner understands and is sympathetic. I guess I don't need to brace myself for the onslaught or push harder to get my point across. I am being seen and heard. I'm not alone."

Specific ways to express empathy to your partner:

- After listening to you, I am feeling
your (sadness, anger, happiness) and I
am feeling (sad, angry, happy) , too.
- I can imagine that what you've told me makes
you feel (sad, angry, happy). I'm so
glad you told me about it.
- I really feel like I can feel where you're
coming from now. Thank you for sharing this
with me.

This would then involve switching places.

You need to find out if she's involved in an affair. The desire to go out "with (new?) friends" without you is a red flag all by itself. Here's a thread on checking up on spouses.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...rt=all&vc=1

I sincerely hope you find you do not have to deal with an affair. If not, you can locate a good pro-marriage counselor and find out what's not working in your marriage and fix it.

what is she angry about?

She is generally quick to anger - not necessarily at me -- she is just a combative type - it is her coping skill. She came from a physically and emotionally abusive childhood and is very sensitive to feeling like any pressure or demands are placed on her.

She is a very boundary oriented person and if she feels invaded she shuts down. But now I feel like I am invading at every turn. even if I try to take her hand. I am on the other hand not very boundary oriented and was never taught good boundaries...my family steps all over everything.

I suggested counseling in the past but she is not interested. I think she is afraid they will identify her issues - and she being a perfectionist is always right - she likes to put blame on me and my being too needy.

I love her tremendously and want this to work - for us both and our daughter...I am also very tired of walking on eggshells.

a quick p.s. to this - right now we only have one car - so we all drive in together and home together....when she has to work late she has to rely on me to come and pick her up. I suggested a second car so she could have some down time on her way home - but she said no it would just be another bill. If it was an A then I would have thought she would jump at the prosepect?

When my WH wanted more space, he had restarted his A.

I see a lot of red flags. Check, check, check--you need to know what you are up against...if anything. At minimum, she may be drifting away. Very possibly an A.

The car thing is a good sign, but she could still be staying late to be with whoever she may be having an A with. Her remark does make her seem more innocent though.

The "I need my space" is a huge flag, but don't start freaking out yet.

Now is the time to Spy. Without sending messages you feel something is wrong. She will just be more secretive.

Have you told her you would like to go out with her and the new friends to meet them? How does she respond?

Do you have someone who could watch the kiddo on short notice, and surprise her? If nothing is going on, she should be happy to see you, right?

Whoa there everybody.

Wait a second. Just because she tells you she wants space and to go out with her friends without you DOES NOT NECESSARILY mean the end of the world. Yes, all of the other advice you have received here about this being suspicious, is valid, but extreme. Yes, Yes, Yes, all of these other things might be going on, but isn't it possible, just POSSIBLE, that she simply wants to hang out with HER friends apart from you and just have a good time. Why read so much into it. Wanting space does not equal an affair. Sometimes it equals wanting space. Nothing more.

I did tell her that we could get a babysitter and all go out...she told me I wouldn't want to hear them talk shop all night...just like she wouldn't want to hear my coworkers talk shop all night.

I think she is feeling alot of pressure from work and motherhood etc...and is feeling like she is missing out on something. She has not made any of these "drinking" nights out yet though...just talking about it and it is clear I am not invited.

I'm with killerjoe - despite the red flags, I'm not jumping on the affair bandwagon yet.

Is it possible? You bet.

Dead ringer? No.

Caution needs to be exercised, but calm down and go slow.

More generally, going back to your title question, "What do women want?" I found the book, "What Women Want Men To Know" by Barbara De Angelis to be very helpful. My SO had me read it soon after we got together and it, together with MB principles, has helped us establish a very satisfying relationship.

WAT

Agree. But this is enough of a red flag that she sure could be moving towards having an affair. My FWH seemed angry all the time both in general and at me for no apparent reason.

I recommend looking at the emotional needs questionaire to see what needs she has that you may not be meeting.

With diligence you may be able to turn this around BEFORE it leads to an affair.

Who

Well next wed. is the big night out at the bar...i try to smile and be ok with it but...ugh.

I wish I just didn't give a ****

Don't wish that you didn't give a ****, because once you don't, that's when the damage will occur.

If possible, try to discourage her from going to a bar, I know she'll be upset if you do but that was a big factor with my FWW, she even started working at a bar against my will. She said that was where she could be herself and talk. That's also where she met the OM's (other morrons).

If she packs a lunch, put a little note in her lunch box wishing her a good day at work, telling her you love her, etc.

Also try to maybe just have a relaxing evening out on the town just you and her and not talk about any of your problems.

The "I need some space" line does not necessarily mean an A, that's why I took up golfing, not to have an affair but to just get away from everything once in a while, doesn't mean I don't love my wife or want nothing from her, I just need alone time once in a while, but do be careful and put some extra effort into showing her you still love/ care about her. Make her feel special because with her feeling that way and wanting space at a bar, there will be competition.

Good luck, and do research here and look for signs. Stop the A before it starts cause that is a lot of pain to deal with. Ask her once in a while what you can do to make her day better.

This sounds like where your attention needs to be. If you have a history of crossing her boundaries all the time, it's natural and healthy for her to want time apart from you.

I also noticed that you state you have a lack of boundaries, and you follow it up by a "walking on eggshells" remark -- you need to start learning to implement your own respectful boundaries NOW. No romance can survive long-term without them.

So what are some examples of specific complaint she has about your crossing her boundaries? What do you plan to do about them?

What exactly is the the purpose of the title of your thread? Given your wife's history and personality as you've described, I could see where she would find it downright offensive. Do you make sweeping generalizations like that often when you're talking to or about her?

I just sent her a little e-mail telling her I was thinking about her and hoped her day was going well.... that was it...hopefully this won't be an intrusion...sad that I even have to think that.

Thanks for your input mineownself...I do appreciate it. I really just wanted a womans perspective when I titled the thread not at all meant to be insulting. perhaps you are just the person I need to hear from in order to understand her better.

Specifically - if she feels any pressure from me for affection of any sort...she shuts down. If she feels pressure from anywhere, i.e. work - she puts a wall up around herself...me being the one she lives with gets the blast of this. But then I have to listen to how fantastic everyone she works with is and she just shuts me out.

Well "what do women want" implies that all women want the same things and can therefore be lumped in answering that question. That's pretty insulting. We can be lumped to the degree that all humans can be lumped, such as we all want oxygen, water, food... Beyond that, nope, people are individuals.


Ok, what are some examples of that? What are some of the ways you try to get affection from her?

really just small stuff. I reach for her hand in the car and she is unreceptive. I am afraid to hug her - so I have given up trying. She used to love it when I played with her hair, now she says no thank you.