Hello everyone I'm new here....but here is my story....On Saturday January 21st, my live in boyfriend of 6 years had to work that day....he said he would be working a little late since he was in the middle of training...he would normally work until 11:30 AM when 6:30PM rolled around and I hadn't heard from him I tried calling his cell no answer I tried a few more times no answer long story short he called me at 7:30PM to tell me he went out after work with two guys from work and drank too much....I told him I would come pick him up he said he was okay to drive home. The following week he was out late after work people from work were going out after training for dinner....when he got home at 1:00AM Wednesday I was very suspicious...at 3:00AM that same morning I turned on his cell phone and found an email message from his co-worker Erin that said ...."I miss you bad" I woke my boyfriend up and said I want you to know that Erin misses you bad....he came hom the next night but spent it emailing and text messaging Erin from my computer in my house...Friday night he didn't come home at all...Saturday morning when he came home I told him to pack his bags and leave he didn't want to go but I made him....He lived in a hotel room fro 1 week....then got his own apartment....was still seeing Erin.....I told his boss and his parents what was going on and a few of my close friends.....I also called Erin's husband.....My boyfriend told me she was just someone to hang out with and drink...I cut off all contact with him.....he then started calling me to go out on dates etc of which we did.....We are now trying to work things out....He has cut off all contact with Erin he has even quit his job as he knows that is the only was he would ever have a change to get back with me....We went to counceling for the first time on Monday also one of the conditions of us getting back together again.....I'm having a very hard time with trusting him again....He just wants to act like nothing happened and move on which I can't do....Part of me wants the details of there "friendship" He tells me they never had intercourse but she did try and give him a BJ twice of which both times he couldn't get it up.....I don't know what he did to her part of me wants to know part of me doesn't but either way he won't tell me....just keeps saying it was nothing.....ARe there people out there that could get beyond this a trust again....I could really use hearing from you....Sorry this is so long......Thanks for any insight you can offer......

This is what pre marriage relationships are for. You tried him out as a partner and he failed.

Not only did he cheat on you, he helped a married woman cheat on her husband and family. He has no respect for marriage or the people he helped hurt.

Pretend you are single and that last paragraph described a guy a friend of yours was trying to hook you up with. Would you date him?

You are lucky. He showed you his colors before you guys got married or had children. Cut your losses and find a man with values.

Friend, some think it's impossible to apply MB principles when the couple is not married. It is most certainly difficult, at best, because that little "piece of paper" and the ceremony of marriage are symbolic of a deep, spiritual commitment unmarried couples simply cannot show. That having been said, I think you and your boyfriend can revive your relationship by following the precepts Dr. Harley expresses in Surviving An Affair. I suggest you order that book and read it well.

Your boyfriend seems willing and some of the necessary steps to break up the affair have been accomplished. Now the rest of the process needs to happen and those steps are detailed in SAA. Trust is a thing that can only be built up slowly again. He'll need, for instance, to be radically honest with you about everything that has happened and what happens in the future.

There should never be a time you wonder where he is. There should be no secret email passwords, no locked cell phones, no late night calls, no instant messaging to others now, or in the future. In short, he and you need to be completely transparant with each other. Bit by bit, day by day, the trust can be rebuilt. It's a long process though, equal to or greater than the period necessary to build the trust level you had before his physical affair.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

uhfin,

You seem to have handled the situation and your boyfriend in a very intelligent and self respectful manner. You are obviously a very strong and rational person as witnessed by your actions. Don't compromise your stance or your ground rules.

The decision on the future of your relationship is completely in your hands.

You will find that most people here dish out two contradictory views. If it’s a marriage with kids then we do all we can to end the affair and help in reconciliation. If it’s pre-marriage, short time relationship or no kids we tent to tell people to run.

The reason is quite simple. Those of us who have handled infidelity know the pain. What is more we know the extremely hard work that is required to get your relationship to a point where infidelity is not likely to take place. That means a point way above where the relationship was previous to the affair.

In my view you are looking at a couple of years of hard MC and relationship work before you can feel safe. For that time marrying, kids, buying a house etc are all extremely bad ideas. Have to concentrate on the relationship. If you kick him out of your life you on the other had are talking about 6-8 months of a broken heart.

Thanks for all the help.....Somedays I'm not so sure I can forgive him and have a life with him......we had a big fight this morning because I told him I wanted to see his cell phone bill he said he wasn't going to live like this....I told him his choices go him to this place not mine....I told him either he shows me the bill or he can pack his bags and leave....I told him I wasn't living with his threats......somedays I think I'm so clear on what I want etc....and other days I think I'm crazy just out of my mind....I think I should just cut my losses and run......I didn't ask for any of this....He sounds so surprised when I tell him I don't trust him at all.....he want to forget about it an move on....I can't do that....and lately I just keep thinking about what they did together he says they didn't do that much....but he won't talk to me about what they did wants to forget about it....is embarassed by it....not sure if I can move on......Somone once told me give time time.....

unfin04,

I too have a BF of 8 years that has cheated on me while he was in grad school. I want to make this work out and give him annother chance. He has abided by all my demands and seems to want this to work out too. Right now I am depressed because we came from a party with our close friends and I look at the other couples and think that they could never cheat on their SOs. I came home and asked him again how he could have cheated on me and he just says he's sorry...like he wants to avoid it. Which he probably does...There are days I don't want to be with him and others when I can't live without him. Flashbacks come at me randomly and they can be tough. They suck and I want it to stop. As someone in your shoes, give it time, find out if you really want it to work and let me know how you are doing. good luck!

Thanks its comforting to have somene to go to who is in the same position as you....Somdays I think I work it out with him other days I'm not sure and then somedays I just think I'm out of my mind.......He just thinks I should trust him know.....he just doesn't seem to get it....he says it is fustrating for him because he isn't doing anything wrong and I don't believe him I can I after what he did to me....I am also wondering it is that she didn't want to be with him anymore, she was married, is that why he came back or is it as he says that he realized he made a big mistake....I guess only time will tell.....but to be honest I'm not sure how much time it will take and if I can hang in there and trust him again........Keep me posted on your situation......